Maybe my understanding of this history is wrong, please feel free to correct me. I apologise if this is the wrong sub.
(Last two photos pre-T) For the past three or so years I've been getting it buzzed once the hair starts to get over my eyes. I don't wish to do that anymore.
I have an important interview coming up around October, for entrance into an MIT degree. There's only about 30 spots open, and hundreds of people apply each year. So they interview, and appearances matter, plus personality. Grades are not so much taken into account, unfortunately, because I'm getting straight A's in the pathway courses.
Anyway, I have no idea how to go about my hair. Curls are generally seen as unprofessional, they're impossible to get nice looking. I also worry because I do not look my age. Maybe I come across immature? I'm 8 or so months on testosterone, know I mainly have to play the waiting game regarding that, really.
Coming out of my second psychotic (best to describe) episode from August to December last year. I'm befuddled. My only diagnosis is 10 years old at this point, of unspecified depressive disorder. The first psychotic-like episode was 7 years ago, 4 months in length.
I have zero desire to share this with my doctor/GP. I've not been in therapy for 5 or 6 years. But all my years in therapy was useless. Breathing techniques, that's about it for all the years I was in. Both therapists I've had let me go. At 12 for being "uncooperative", I really wasn't comfortable or able to answer much. Later at 17 because she said there isn't anything more to do for me.
I'm extremely unwilling and uncomfortable to open up. And any time I've attempted to about these experiences it gets nowhere or ignored or dismissed. I'm currently taking ~37mg Venlafaxine. Although I'm prescribed double that, it's hard to stay on top of. And 25-50mg promethazine for my sleep. Which isn't helping. I have constant nightmares and vivid dreams affecting my sleep quality. Always waking up throughout the night in sweat and a state of confusion or altered awareness.
But since these two episodes were 7 years apart, I don't know what to think regarding that. I don't abuse substances, and there weren't any big life changes preceding. Stuff like that. It's probably not worth putting me on antipsychotics. For the record, I have not felt depressed for 4 years either. The doctor put me on that when I described the distress, lack of motivation, apathy, difficulty concentrating, etc. at the end of last year.
He tried me on bupropion prior, which had absolutely zero effect. The same goes for the meds I was trialed through in my teens. (Fluoxetine, Sertraline, Trazodone, Amitriptyline, Citalopram, Mirtazapine).
I'm very well acquainted with how depression is for me, and this is not it. I don't feel unlike myself in any way. And it's far from the same feelings. I'm not suicidal, I'm not self-harming anymore, or so on, like I was in those times.
So, what now... For information. The first time it was largely dissociation, hallucinations, and paranoia. Now it was delusional in many aspects, disorganisation. And the classic negative symptoms before, during, and after.
I know the answer is probably to get evaluated but I'm honestly not going to do that. My general personality and past experiences hold me back. And I don't have this desire to go anyway. It's hard to conceptualise the future, I basically live entirely in the present. Just keep trying to look after myself day to day?
I can't see it myself. But the voice passes me.
Bruising dark green, awaiting sporeprint.