u/Visible-Dragonfly710

I made friends with a guy in work after we had a few online meetings and realised we had things in common (he pointed out how we seem to have a lot in common) and I was helping him with a specific, but personal issue, we both said we find the other easy to talk to.

There has now been some flirting which turned into seriously sexually explicit talk. He's been single for a while. I know he finds me sexually attractive and he has called me sexy several times. However, I know he is enjoying the attention after being single for some time so I assuming this is all that it is for him, as he has mentioned not being fussy.

However, he once said in one of our meetings that I was looking radiant. He also complimented my social media profile picture in a meeting (he said I looked "very lovely.")

I haven't had many male friends as an adult so not really sure (plus I'm autistic so never sure about social stuff).

My partner (M44) and I (F40) disagree on some things in the bedroom and I don't know if this is because I am inexperienced, we are incompatible or if he is being unrealistic or I am, so I could do with some objective viewpoints please.

My libido is waning when It was high before and he was never in a position where he had to try and get me in the mood, I was always up for it. Time has passed and I feeling like I am running ragged, some difficulties in our relationship and it is not that often I am just in the mood.

My partner is quite strict in how sex works for him, no spontaneous sex. For him there needs to be a time and a plan. His rational it is much better sex, he knows what he is going to do, as do I and talking about it and discussing is the turn on he likes. This is how our sex life has mainly been for a few years now.

I do like this, however I also like the variety of being spontaneous. I like going to bed together, cuddling up and kissing and seeing where it leads and letting it happen naturally. When I have raised this I have been told this doesn't work and it is just fantasy and how are we supposed to know what we are going to do.

I have a much more reactive desire these days. Sex is often the last thing on my mind by the time I have been up for 15 hours working, cooking, shopping and cleaning and other life stuff. I am then exhausted. I get very little help with these things and they are probably 95% done by me.

My partner's way of finding out if sex is potentially on for later, is to ask me in the evening if I am in the mood or not. This is no longer working for me and most of the time now I am not.

I explained about reactive desire and how I could easily be in the mood with some general kissing and touching throughout the day or evening but he then asks what I am doing to get him in the mood.

He gets frustrated that I don't initiate more, which I understand, but I get fearful over this due to feeling like I am doing things wrong a lot (from his feedback).

He has said some things over time that have stuck in my head, been quite hurtful and have given me anxiety about it. Specific issues from early on are repeatedly brought up every time I try to discuss why and where I am struggling, and I have got anxious to the point I cannot have sex at the moment. I also have not been able to discuss it. I tried and he immediately brought when he had an issue years ago. I get his early issue, we have discussed it and what would be done differently in hindsight, however, this cannot be changed.

He uses drugs (not hard ones) daily to manage his mental health. He uses these each time before we have sex too, and has told me this has only been an issue for him with me (which is now in my head). He has called me 'not normal' in the bedroom (for thinking sex can start naturally through kissing and moving onto foreplay) and suggested I get therapy. He has said I have a very young mindset in how I think about sex and it's not real. He complains I don't do things to him but when I ask what he wants he is unable to actually clarify what it is (he doesn't know), but I am expected to tell him what I want. I recently asked him to do something that I like, that he likes doing to me, but because it was in the moment he told me after that this is poor manners and I shouldn't ask then, only beforehand. He also expects to arrive in the bedroom to me being 'ready' and when I said I'd like it if he got me aroused he told me he doesn't want to have to do that and I should be ready.

I know he has his frustrations too and I understand them, which is why I don't know if my issues above are valid or not (when we do have sex it is great and has been very frequent until recently).

My partner (M44) and I (F40) disagree on some things in the bedroom and I don't know if this is because I am inexperienced, we are incompatible or if he is being unrealistic or I am, so I could do with some objective viewpoints please.

My libido is waning a bit compared to when we first got together. It was very high before and basically he could have had me more than once every day and was never in a position where he had to try and get me in the mood, I was always up for it - moreover than him on many occasions.

This was for the first few years. Given time passed, stage of my life now, feeling like I am running ragged, and some difficulties in our relationship my libido has naturally waned and it is not that often I am just in the mood.

My partner is quite strict in how sex works for him and he does not do spontaneous sex. For him there needs to be a time and a place and a plan. His rational is it always turns out to be much better sex, he knows what he is going to do, as do I and talking about it and discussing is the turn on he likes. This is how our sex life has mainly been for a few years now.

I do like this, as it has lead to some very fun things, however I also like the variety of it being spontaneous. I like going to bed together, cuddling up and kissing and seeing where it leads and letting it happen naturally. When I have raised this I have been told this doesn't work and it is just fantasy and how are we supposed to know what we are going to do.

I have a much more reactive desire these days. Sex is often the last thing on my mind by the time I have been up for 15 hours working, cooking, shopping and cleaning and other life stuff. I am then exhausted. I get very little help with these things and they are probably 95% done by me.

My partner's way of finding out if sex is potentially on for later, is to ask me in the evening if I am in the mood or not. This is no longer working for me and most of the time now I am not.

I explained about reactive desire and how I could easily be in the mood with some general kissing and touching throughout the day or evening but he then asks what I am doing to get him in the mood.

He gets frustrated that I don't initiate more, which I understand, but I get fearful over this due to feeling like I am doing things wrong a lot (from his feedback).

Given he has more experience than me, he has said some things over time that have stuck in my head, been quite hurtful and have given me anxiety about it. I have always been able to put them to the back of my mind and focus on us instead and prioritise a healthy sex life as this is important to us both, however, specific issues from very early on are repeatedly brought up every time I try to discuss why and where I am struggling, and I have got anxious to the point I cannot have sex at the moment. I also have not been able to discuss it. I tried recently and he immediately brought when he had an issue years ago and I just couldn't explain my point by then. I get his early issue, we have discussed it and what would be done differently in hindsight, however, this cannot be changed.

We do not go bed at the same time and he would like sex when he comes to bed (3/4/5am - which I used to do for quite a while but I was so exhausted during the day I had to stop). We do not wake at the same time (I would quite like morning sex, he does not). I have a longer day and so do not have as much energy in the evenings as him. He also uses drugs (not hard ones) daily to manage his mental health. He uses these each time before we have sex too, and has told me this has only been an issue for him with me. He has called me 'not normal' in the bedroom (for thinking sex can start naturally through kissing and moving onto foreplay) and suggested I get therapy. He has said I have a very young mindset in how I think about sex and it's not real. He complains I don't do things to him but when I ask what he wants he is unable to actually clarify or name what it is (he doesn't know), but I am expected to tell him what I want. I recently asked him to do something that I like, that he likes doing to me, but because it was in the moment he told me after that this is poor manners and I shouldn't ask then, only beforehand. I don't understand this personally as if he directed me or asked for something in the moment I wouldn't see a problem with it. But he insists this is not the done thing. He also expects to arrive in the bedroom to me being 'ready' and when I said I'd like it if he got me aroused he told me he doesn't want to have to do that and I should be ready.

I know he has his frustrations too and I understand them completely, which is why I don't know if my issues above are valid or not.

I close relative of mine passed away a couple of years ago. I am struggling to process the events that led to this and the NoK was not very clear at the time, and now doesn't remember the specifics. I would like to discuss this with a doctor or have copies on the notes at the time.

Is this something I can request? I just really need to have it clear in my mind, even though I'm sure I know what happened, I just want confirmation.