u/West-Muscle-7964

Ben mentioning Jacques stories being like “I have AIDS does anyone have a tractor I can borrow” made me think of the analog to Jacques I have in my life, named “Tim” who always has the craziest updates either on instagram or in person. Feel free to tell me about your Jacques

Once I invited him to a Christmas party like a month in advance as part of a group text and he quickly responded “I just got hit by a 18 wheeler so idk if I can make it tonight”. This is an extremely normal message from him

He’ll constantly post stories with quotes like “stay expensive it keeps the wrong people away” with photos in the lobbies of these “luxury” apartments full of knock off west elm furniture. Or like “hustle so hard they can’t afford where you are” and a picture of a menu with $15 slider burgers

He recently caught HIV from his DL baby daddy, exposed the guy and became friends with his wife. And then like a week later posted himself getting a full std panel AGAIN, and then within like an hour getting trashed at the bar. Them for like a week straight he would post clips of himself getting topped by this guy on insta before they’d before removed

Idk how it happened, I never envisioned becoming a person like this.

I grew up really heavily bullied, bad at school, socially isolated. I think from middle school until college I didn’t have a single play date, birthday party, sleepover, anything. I’d go to school, speak to no one, come home to an empty house while my parents worked and my brother was at friends and I just played video games. I made a few friends in college but the urge to isolate myself from other always returned. I’ve always felt wrong, shameful, like there’s a wall between me and the rest of society. I work from home, i have like two meetings a week. I use the apartment gym when no one’s there.

I’ve tried to make friends I really have. Workout classes, coworking spaces. I think there must be something wrong with me no friendships ever grow out of these things. I joined bumble bff and found one guy I really connected with. In the lead up to us getting dinner he asked if it could actually be me helping him move. I decided to put all my suspicion aside and do it anyway. A week later he asked if I’d accompany him on his birthday and I was like one of three people there. I felt really good about being able to show up for someone in that way. And now he’s ghosted me. Isn’t that so funny? I was so desperate for connection I was willing to audition in this way.

I’m addicted to using Grindr I really am. I never hook up. I never send pics I just have a good profile. My body is probably the only area in my life that’s objectively good. I do nothing but turn it on and I can reliably get some big compliments. I do the same with Reddit alts, workout accounts. Man woman older younger it makes no difference for me. People tell me I’m beautiful, or stunning or amazing and for a tiny amount of time I don’t feel hollow, or like I want to grind my teeth to dust, or like I’m a leper. I feel like a ghost in society 99% of the time but these comments give me evidence I exist in someone’s mind. If I cannot be loved, cared for, appreciated, I can settle for being admired. At least for a little bit.