u/Winter_Bear134

Hi, all. So, this year, I’ve been seriously questioning my sexuality, which I’ve never done before in my entire life. I thought I was straight, but I did that by default because I knew I didn’t like girls, but I don’t really like boys either. Anyhow, I did a lot of research and, with the help of you guys here on Reddit, I found out that I’m actually aegosexual. The definition pretty much explains how my situation works. I’m also the same in terms of romance, although I haven’t really looked up if there’s, like, an aegoromantic label. If there is one, then that’s perfect because I’m that.
Either way, for maybe about a month since I had been questioning my sexuality, I’ve gone by the label of aroace. I’m 100% sure I’m aromantic, but I wasn’t too sure if I was asexual. And the main reason is because of my aegosexuality contradicting that, because I knew I felt an attraction to fictional characters, but obviously I wouldn’t want to engage in anything with them and me. I’m just, like, an observer. I enjoy observing, kind of, you know?
Anyhow, aegosexual is what I am. I’m pretty sure of it. The question I have, I hope it doesn’t sound too dumb, because I know we shouldn’t define ourselves by labels, but if I’m aegosexual and aegoromantic, which, by the way, I’m not sure if it’s a thing, I’m just mentioning, would it still be okay to go by the label of aroace?
It’s because I’ve been going by that label for about a month already, and I feel secure in using that label and explaining it to others. But, if I really sat down and talked to someone, I would explain I’m actually aegosexual. But, you know, isn’t it part of the asexuality spectrum? I just wanna know if you think it would just be, like, all right if I went by aroace, or if anyone here goes by aroace even though they’re aegosexual or a different type of asexual.
I also really like the aroace flag. It’s cool. And I know I could technically identify however I want to, but I’m just wondering if anyone else does this, which is identify themselves as something, but they’re really just within the spectrum of it. I really would like to be called aroace, even though I’m actually aegosexual and aromantic.

TL;DR: My actual sexuality is aegosexual and I’m aegoromantic, but I still want to be identified as aroace. Is that appropriate?

I don’t expect many to read this, as I’m just trying to sort myself out. but I think there’s no harm in sharing how I feel here.

Growing up, a lot of people thought I was gay.

some classmates thought I was gay, my friends thought I was gay, even my family thought I was gay. I don’t know what it was. I don’t know if it was the fact I acted like a tomboy or my alternative style of clothing. I was a bit emo. So it could have been because of that maybe? No idea what it was. But besides that, I knew I wasn’t gay.

I’ve never seriously questioned my sexuality at all.

Although, there was a time I briefly considered I was bisexual because, when I pictured myself in a relationship, I couldn’t tell a difference between imagining a man or a woman. Neither one felt more natural to me than the other. It took me a while to realize why. It wasn’t because I wanted both equally. It was because the thought of being in a relationship made me equally uncomfortable, regardless of whether I pictured myself with a man or a woman.

So to make things easier I thought to myself: “well, am i attracted to women in that way?” And the answer is no, I’m not. I just don’t see girls that way. Yes, they’re attractive and all, but I wouldn’t picture myself married to one. So there it is. I’m straight, right?

No?

I’m 22 now, and most of my friends are getting into relationships, getting engaged, or are already married. In fact, my sister just got engaged around two weeks ago. I’m really happy for her. The thing is, I’m already at the age where people start getting into serious relationships.

I’ve never had a boyfriend, ever. Never had a first kiss, never even held a boy’s hand. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever had a crush on a boy.

I’m not sure what qualifies as a crush. But I know a few male celebrities who I find attractive. That was, of course, after learning a lot about them and feeling an emotional bond with them. I don’t usually find someone attractive at first sight. I’ll find them attractive after I get to know them, if that makes sense. And when I do find someone attractive at first glance, I’ll just sort of appreciate how handsome they are. In a sort of artistic way, you know?

Anyhow, I’ve come to realize that I don’t think I’ve ever had a crush on a boy.

There was one instance when I was around 15 where I thought I had a big crush. It was on a friend who I found very enjoyable to hang around. He has a great personality, and it’s just fun being around him. I had these feelings for him, sort of that feeling when you find out your crush didn’t come to school, so you went for nothing? So I said it was a crush.
But there was one thing that was blocking me from confirming that this was a crush.

I didn’t want to be with him in that sort of way, in a romantic relationship. I didn’t want to be boyfriend and girlfriend if it meant all the kissing and intimacy. I didn’t see him that way. In fact, I kinda grossed out a bit.

I remember thinking to myself, this is my first crush, so what do I do from here? Well, usually if you have a crush on someone, you would try to ask them out. I immediately panicked, and I thought, “I don’t wanna be in that kind of relationship with him?”, So that’s what questioned me from thinking it was a crush.

I’ve later come to realize that it wasn’t really a crush, but it was just a really good friend who I really appreciated hanging around with. And those feelings, honestly, were just strong platonic love, not romantic love. And of course, not sexual attraction at all, by the way.

So, this past June (ironic) for the first time in my life, I actually questioned my sexuality.

I was put in a situation where I had the potential to meet a boy, to start a nice friendship with him, and possibly could turn into something else. He was sweet, and he was cute, but there was something blocking me, something preventing me from wanting to have that kind of relationship with him.
When my mom egged it on that we could be good for each other… I actually got mad at her. Looking back, I feel bad because I know she didn’t have any bad intentions. But now, since I got mad at her for the idea of me being with a boy, she thinks I’m gay (lmao).

I don’t know what those feelings were. Many things just popped into my mind. I can remember some being, “why does this have to happen to me?” “Just leave me alone.” “Go do that to someone else.” “This is too foreign to me.” I just felt immediately repulsed by it. And I felt bad because I hadn’t even given this guy a chance to know him. I immediately pushed him away.

As weeks went by, I’ve come to know what the terms aromantic and asexual are. My friends would always joke that I’m asexual because they noticed I’ve never had crushes on guys and whenever relationships would come up, I’d be bored and wanted to talk about other things.

But then I realized,

oh crap, maybe they’re right.

I looked up the term aromantic and I felt that hit the nail on the head. I was 100% confident that that was me. And I felt a sense of comfort knowing that there was a definition for what I was feeling. As far as asexual, I’ve been on and off about considering whether I believe I’m a part of the asexual spectrum. But when it boils down to it, I think I am. It’s uncomfortable to talk about, but because of my hormones, I didn’t believe that I was asexual. But then there are many other things that countered that. So I’m still on the fence of that, but then I’m not sure.

Anyways, for maybe a couple of weeks, I decided I would go by the label of aroace. It made me feel a sense of comfort knowing that with this label, society won’t expect me to build a romantic/sexual relationship with anyone. It was peaceful, that sense of comfort that I felt. As time goes on, though, I started doubting myself. I became very confused, very confused about what I wanted.

I love reading fanfics, and honestly, I’m very corny when it comes to picturing ships I like. But I had NEVER pictured myself in a scenario like that. It seemed so.. unusual. Not natural.

Sometimes I look at my sister with my future brother in law and think, maybe that can happen to me one day. They love each other’s company and they make each other happy, I want that. Then I remember… I don’t want to be romantic or intimate with other people. But then I think, what if I really do? Am I just too scared to start?

I feel like my arms are being pulled between wanting love and wanting to be by myself. I’ve definitely experienced love before, but it’s been platonic. It’s such a strong beautiful feeling, and I honestly wish only that kind of love was the societal norm of relationships instead of romantic.

At this point I don’t know if I genuinely don’t want a relationship, or if I’m just SCARED. But one thing has definitely been bothering me about this situation. It’s that I don’t want to be alone. I feel depressed at the thought of everyone with their partner while I’m by myself.

If I could, I wish all of the relationships my friends were in were platonic, just so that we ALL could be together and enjoy each other’s company without having individual romantic relationships, because seeing them in relationships makes me feel lonely and outcast. Sounds selfish, but I only think about it because I know it could never come true.

With my sister being engaged, many of my relatives are saying I’m next, and that makes me feel so… grossed out? At first I’d act grossed out as a joke but…

I don’t think it’s a joke anymore…

I don’t know who I am. Or what I want.

And I never questioned it before until I was expected to be in a relationship. Before all this, I NEVER pictured what my future spouse was like. I pictured my future as.. just me. Who I was. Not who I was married to. But I certainly never pictured myself being alone, I’d be happy with my friends.
This is something I never realized I would have to deal with. For some reason I pictured everyone else in a relationship, but I would always just skip myself because I never considered that being a part of my life. It’s not that I DIDN’T want that in my life, I just genuinely never considered it. It never came naturally to me.

I currently feel a big sense of comfort labeling myself as aroace since it takes all that pressure off of me. But what if that changes? What if I lied and end up getting married? Then again, I can’t even enter the talking stage of a romantic relationship because of how scared and panicked I get. And I think, well maybe I get scared because I’m just too shy/socially awkward to date? Then I think maybe I’m scared because I think it’s something I genuinely don’t want. And then I get all confused again.

Anyways, if you somehow made it to the end of this disgustingly long rant, thanks for reading. This rant was purely out of frustration and anxiety, so talking about it helped me just feel a little bit better.

so recently, I relapsed after a very long time (9 1/2 years) and every time I see my cuts I can’t help but think how they’re gonna look healed. I’m wondering if they could completely fade or if it’s bound to leave a scar. i want to know so bad to see if i have hope of them fading. i was wondering if anyone has pics of how their scars recovered? if not too graphic how they looked fresh to how they look years later. i really have no idea if theyll leave a mark and im not patient enough to wait for years to see results …

I used to sh a lot when i was 12, the last time i did was march 2017. im now 21, and for the first time in almost 10 years I did it again.

Im going through a lot of change in life right now, important people in my life are leaving and im struggling with my identity because for the first time ever im actually questioning my sexuality. theres a few different things like that that are changing, but strangely enough, im not sad. in fact, out of all the 9 years ive been sh free, this year has been the most relaxing mentally. i’m not overjoyed, but a lot of good things happened this year and im very happy honestly, but I think whats triggering this is change. i’m an adult and everything’s so different now i cant help but feel a deep emotion that makes me feel im lost. at the same time, i feel im being ungrateful because ive had so many amazing memories this year.

This is the only reason i can pick at for being why i did it. i knew i couldn’t do it as a teen because when i did, everything got ruined. now as an adult, knowing i have more freedom in controlling what i do and whats private to me, is tempting me more and more to keep doing this.

I hadn’t even thought of doing sh in all these 9 years, but a couple months ago i would see things that reminded me of sh and started getting curious again. i really liked doing it yesterday. I like seeing the marks it left. i wanted to go deeper, but i was afraid it’ll look more than “cat scratches”. i really, really wanted to continue. but i know if i do it’ll ruin all the trust i have with my mom if she finds out. these past 9 years she’s built more and more trust in me since she found out i was doing it, and if she found out now? everything would be ruined.

Im just trying to understand, why? i’m not sad? i looked forward to doing it when i was certain i was going to do it. what is the psychological reasoning behind why i like it so much? im not trying to sound like an edge lord, but i feel genuine satisfaction seeing what i do. i dont want people to see, but i want to see them on myself. if that makes sense.

i really want to do it again. so much. and the worst part? **i can’t find a genuine reason as to why i should stop.**

yes, it would ruin me if my mom found out, but i could hide it in places she wouldn’t see. plus, since im older i may not have much time before i move out. yes, it is bad for my physical health, but isnt smoking too? people still do it. yes i know it can grow into a habit, but so what? the scars will fade, and even if they don’t, i’ll still like them. for the past nine years i still have my scars from when i was 12, and i like looking at them. i do. i just don’t want others seeing it.

why should i stop? i need a genuine fear to hold me back. but i keep asking myself what is the genuine reason to stop if im not hurting anyone but myself? and if this brings me comfort?

I used to sh a lot when i was 12, the last time i did was march 2017. im now 21, and for the first time in almost 10 years I did it again.

Im going through a lot of change in life right now, important people in my life are leaving and im struggling with my identity because for the first time ever im actually questioning my sexuality. theres a few different things like that that are changing, but strangely enough, im not sad. in fact, out of all the 9 years ive been sh free, this year has been the most relaxing mentally. i’m not overjoyed, but a lot of good things happened this year and im very happy honestly, but I think whats triggering this is change. i’m an adult and everything’s so different now i cant help but feel a deep emotion that makes me feel im lost. at the same time, i feel im being ungrateful because ive had so many amazing memories this year.

This is the only reason i can pick at for being why i did it. i knew i couldn’t do it as a teen because when i did, everything got ruined. now as an adult, knowing i have more freedom in controlling what i do and whats private to me, is tempting me more and more to keep doing this.

I hadn’t even thought of doing sh in all these 9 years, but a couple months ago i would see things that reminded me of sh and started getting curious again. i really liked doing it yesterday. I like seeing the marks it left. i wanted to go deeper, but i was afraid it’ll look more than “cat scratches”. i really, really wanted to continue. but i know if i do it’ll ruin all the trust i have with my mom if she finds out. these past 9 years she’s built more and more trust in me since she found out i was doing it, and if she found out now? everything would be ruined.

Im just trying to understand, why? i’m not sad? i looked forward to doing it when i was certain i was going to do it. what is the psychological reasoning behind why i like it so much? im not trying to sound like an edge lord, but i feel genuine satisfaction seeing what i do. i dont want people to see, but i want to see them on myself. if that makes sense.

i really want to do it again. so much. and the worst part? i can’t find a genuine reason as to why i should stop.

yes, it would ruin me if my mom found out, but i could hide it in places she wouldn’t see. plus, since im older i may not have much time before i move out. yes, it is bad for my physical health, but isnt smoking too? people still do it. yes i know it can grow into a habit, but so what? the scars will fade, and even if they don’t, i’ll still like them. for the past nine years i still have my scars from when i was 12, and i like looking at them. i do. i just don’t want others seeing it.

why should i stop? i need a genuine fear to hold me back. but i keep asking myself what is the genuine reason to stop if im not hurting anyone but myself? and if this brings me comfort?

Hey guys, so I need help. I wanted to reach out and I would love to hear from those who have the same experience as me. I'm not gonna get into details because I'm extremely embarrassed about this and it's something personal for me, but basically, my OCD fear and obsession that I've had for a while came true. There was always subtle hints that this was true, and I tried so hard to deny it. I even did a lot of research and stuff, but today, I just completely found out it was true. I went in the restroom and started crying. Honestly, the situation itself isn't even horrible, but the fact that it was my OCD fear just made me break down because this feels like it was genuinely the worst thing to happen. I don't know what to do. I'm in tears and my brain is scrambling. Honestly, if anyone could share their experience on their OCD fear becoming true, please tell me about it in the comments so I don't feel alone. And by the way, what I mean by OCD fear... I mean, it is, for example, people could have the OCD fear that they have cancer, you know? Like, for several months, they'll see a mark on their skin or, you know, some very subtle sign of cancer. And people could have that obsession for several months. And then one day, they find out it's true. That's the feeling I feel right now. Like I said, I'm not gonna say the fear again because it isn't nearly as drastic as this example, but honestly, the way I'm treating it makes it feel like it is. I don't know what to do. I'm almost in this state of disassociation where I feel deep into disappointment. I'm panicking a lot and I just don't know how I'm gonna deal with this. One of the worst parts too is that this fear is something I can't get support on for real friends. It's way too embarrassing to talk about. And from this subreddit, I know that some of you have OCD fears that are ridiculous to where you can't talk about it. Well, that's me in this situation. i feel like everything is ruined.