u/Witchy_Metal_7353

Ok so, this was my best shot at analyzing this new song. I genuinely love it so much. The bolded text is my annotation of the lyrics. Feel free to add in what you guys think this song is about or lines you particularly enjoy!
/
/
/

My best friend fell in love with a girl and I killed her

(This line/ the ‘she’ in the song possibly could be referencing the singers pre-transition self. Killing your former self is common imagery in the trans community.)

She lies by the tree in the graveyard where we built a swing in the summer
You looked at me like a stranger
You looked at me like someone you don't know

(This person who he’s talking about may view the singer differently, maybe after coming out.)

You looked at me like a lover
You looked at me like someone you couldn't let go
You couldn't let go ohohhohhhhh

(Line could be a double meaning, as in they couldn’t let go of their love for the singer, or they couldn’t let go of how they saw the singer before his transition.)

I never told him I liked him like that
Stuck straight through my heart and fell right out the back

(Imagery of cupids bow, it hit the singers heart but went through and came out the back, as in the singer had a crush, but then fell out of love before he was able to confess.)

He had me in his palm but I crumbled like sand
Did that make you feel like a big strong man?
Did that make you feel like a big strong man?
Did that make you feel like a big strong man?
Did that make you feel like a big strong man?

(The idea of friend being a big strong man is sarcastic, especially if this person didn’t see the singer has his gender, a man. This tone presents as something like “did disregarding me help your own fragile masculinity?”)

I couldn't move but sometimes I still miss it
You felt it too but I held your resistance

(The singer might’ve felt stagnant while being in a complicated relationship with this friend. The friend felt that he was holding the singer back as well, but the singer held onto the relationship anyway or the “resistance” to the singers identity.)

Lay in my room like I don't feel the distance
I always knew but I thought that I didn't

(Oftentimes, when people can tell a relationship isn’t good for them, they will repress red flags that come up, ‘I always knew (that this was bad for me) but I thought that I didn’t.)

We're face to face on the floor of my kitchen
You won't shut up 'bout the girl you've been kissing
But you're holding my hand like you don't know the difference

(This can be interpreted two ways. Either the singer is hearing about a genuine other relationship the friend is in. But a more interesting interpretation to me would be that the singer *is* ‘the girl you’ve been kissing’ it would make sense within the context of the friend not seeing the singer for who they are, and that leading to the line ‘you’re holding my hand like you don’t know the difference.’ Which in this context would refer to how the friend just sees the singer as a ‘girl he’s kissing’ and not the man in front of him.)

I always knew but you told me I didn't
You always knew I'm not part of your plan
You loved somebody who never existed

(These lines strengthen my point above, the singer knows that the friend is seeing them in this mismatched way, but the friend denies this. They still love someone who doesn’t exist, aka, the singers old self before transitioning.)

Did that make you feel like a big strong man?

(Again, this same mocking line, which is only more and more powerful as the story of these two fills in.)

(I always knew, I always do)
(You loved somebody, Did that make you feel like a man?)

(‘I always knew I always do,’ is a really strong line here. It shows how perceptive trans people can be to others relational bigotry. Oftentimes, those who are gender diverse can sense when they make bigoted or ignorant people uncomfortable.)

I never told him I liked him like that
Stuck straight through my heart and fell right out the back
He had me in his palm but I crumbled like sand (I always knew but you told me I didn't)
Did that make you feel like a big strong man? (You always knew I'm not part of your plan) (I always knew)
Did that make you feel like a big strong man? (You loved somebody who never existed) (I always do)
Did that make you feel like a big strong man? (Did that make you feel like a big strong man?) (I always do)
Did that make you feel like a big strong man?

(Rest is a repeat, but gives the song more emotional power and emphasis.)

I just got back from therapy today and it was really frustrating. I got to talk about some surface level stuff, but when he asked me more about my emotional state all I could say about it was “i don’t know”. Which sucks because as soon as I get home I know exactly what I was wishing to talk about but while I’m in that room it gets so clouded and I always just feel so emotional but somehow numb at the same time. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me.

I don't know what's been going on, but I feel like I've finally found a moment of clarity where I feel in charge of my life again. It doesn't feel particularly good; all I feel like is I've wasted time. It's like the dissociation left momentarily, and I'm here to pick up the pieces and get my shit together. Things that felt impossible are so frivolous and easy. I don't feel connected to a lot of my relationships, and I don't feel like I relate to them. And I can tell that whoever was here was in a deep depression. I don't remember much, and I feel so confused because I'm not sure what I even forgot, but the more I try to remember, the more I feel shut out. I just know that there's a lot to do now that I'm here. I guess I just wanted to post here to get these feelings out to someone.

(Tried to post this yesterday but I found a lot of typos and decided to delete it, I like this version better.)
/
/
/

Blake is a strong storm on a terrifying night, her soothing presence spreads throughout the body, a beautiful creature built of rain and clouds, covering me, keeping me out of harms way. She never falters in attitude or in words. Her black dress and pale gray skin muddle with the cloud that sits perched on her head, which is always keeping a steady pore of light rain. One might think that she would become soaked herself, but Blake, the creature built from rain a clouds, stays pleasantly dry, her water only being for those who need it. She gives life to the plants and people below, whether or not imaginary plants or parts need water never crosses her mind, because she’s ready to water them anyway.

Before I fall asleep each night, i’ve been getting weird visuals that I can’t place. I lay down, and then I feel a sense of dread, mostly in my chest, and then it’s like everything in my minds eye gets purposefully deleted so that all I see is a dark void. I’ll try to think about something else but the darkness just stays. Then, in the corners of this void, violent line-like sensations begin to attack the darkness, almost like a bear claw. These violent lines scratch at my minds eye and it leaves me shaking and flinching in real life. The lines claw and cover more and more of the void until the lines are all I can see, and the dread feeling peaks and my head twitches. It’s horrible. It feels like my own mind is trying to attack me. These abstract visuals last for hours when all I want to do is fall asleep. Me and my therapist think my brain may be trying to recall something traumatic that I was too dissociated to actually get full visual input of what was happening to me. That could be true, but I’m not so sure. I know this description is vague and doesn’t make any sense, but I hate this, all I want is to have a night where I can sleep peacefully and not feel like I’m in danger.

So, I’ve been having some weird feelings around how my system operates, specifically how gender should be presented/ talked about with others. I currently publicly identify as a binary trans man, and I still identify with that label heavily. But I know that I have two parts inside that identify more on the feminine side of the spectrum and ‘man’ isn’t correct. One of these parts fully still identifies herself as a girl, and another is more fluid with their gender. I know now that they kinda see the gender I and rest of the system identifies with as a “necessary role” to take on so that they can better mimic me as the host. But, I feel bad. I want them to be able to be their truest selves as I am now, but then, would that undo my own progress as a man? I would hate that, and it would only make me feel even worse about myself. I wish everyone could just be one so that I could get a full picture of how I should be presenting or what to do with myself. I know I’m a man and I never want to go back on anything I’ve done to transition, I would honestly rather die, but know that there’s parts inside me that still identify in different ways just had me feeling so confused about my own self. Sorry, this just became a ramble, but if anyone else has any weird gender advice to give I would love that.

Today has been the worst pain day of my entire life. I got back to my dorm and collapsed onto the floor and I’ve been crawling everywhere. I’ve been dealing with intense pelvic and lower back pain that makes it impossible to do anything. This has been with me since I was a child but never this bad. I don’t know what to do, I’m perfectly healthy in my charts. I’m trans so I get my bloodwork done frequently and there’s never been anything wrong with me. I’m so tired of being in pain, I just want this to be over. I used to be able to do so much more but now I’m basically useless. I’m sorry, this became super vent-y.