u/Wonderful-Elk-

On my side, our main issue is the lack of transparency and repeated injuries to trust by him.

On his end, he acknowledged he messed up and at times that I had a reason to react the way I did, but that he couldn't live under a microscope and I am controlling and that I don't ever believe anything he says regardless of what he says.

He doesn't seem to connect my reactions and how I act (because I realized I did become hyper vigilant, and I distrust most of his moves) to the lies and secrecy over everything he does (good or bad) and the patterns remaining the same without tangible proof of change.

Broken up for almost 2 months. Throughout the whole time he kept sending breadcrumbs, he tried being "friendly" since I have always been clear, and offered to just try to be friends but he kept the line blurry, like refusing to step in, but one foot out.

We talked after something happened with his cat, it felt like he missed me a lot. He wanted to be close at all times physically with hugs or little pats etc. He was avoidant but calm (didn't run away like prior times)
- I asked if he could be able to stop needing external validation and stop messaging tower people. He said I think so, and that he didn't know why he does that, that he doesn't think he could feel for more than me, so doesn't think he'd be different with someone else.
- I said what's next. He said let's start hanging out (which I hate for it to be referred to so I said "can you plan the date" he said yes.

This weekend, he continued very little communication, he said he was going to his friends (I know), but then went MIA (always at the same time on Saturdays) and then said he met a couple at work that invited him over to watch hone videos from burning man... meaning he knew what he was doing and maybe wasn't honest about it.

I forgot my cup and I wanted my cup back. So next day without being obvious I asked what time he was leaving for all the activities he mentioned wanted to do Sunday (church, run..) he got annoyed and started saying he was feeling pressured by me about our date. I said I just wanted to pick up my cup.

I picked up my cup. Did not blow up. Smiled and said thank you have fun. I realized that I was feeling like walking in landmines again. I said I didn't understand why he was blowing up and trying to start a fight.
- He said He said he felt like I was trying to catch him on something he wasn't and wouldn't do (which is more communication than I've ever had from him).
- I said he would look internally why that is — because my questions are bare minimum

Sunday when he went back home was very communicative. This morning making comments about "if we had a baby, it would be sassy" and a lot of "we" talk. And asking how my morning is.

I don't know how to bring up that he hasn't set a date for us. And what I want:
- I'm not okay with communicating with women who are not friends
- I'm not okay with open relationships of any kind
- and that I want a serious relationship to build. Not just "have fun and live life together"

It is so hard for me to read him and know if he really means it and it's just challenged, or he is playing me.

I just know bringing up the lack of planning is "pressure". And my boundaries will be accusing.

I honestly am starting to get the ick. But not really. My head is spinning.

Thank you for reading me.

***Sorry in advance for the length***

We've been dating for 1.5 years. Since the beginning it's been a lot of broken trust (from him, dating apps, texting other women, not sure if physical) then promises happen, rinse and repeat — but always differently. Like we're getting somewhere.

It progressed to him having me meet his family. I still felt that he invited me because he thought I wouldn't be able to, but nonetheless the trip felt like it pulled us a lot closer, but eventually, I saw him not so sneakily sending a snap to a woman from a concert we were at, he lied, so things escalated from there.

Being in detective mode is exhausting, and I imagine the constant accusations are exhausting. It's like a snake eating its own tail.

We've haven't been without seeing each even when mad for more than 5 days. It's always been me building a bridge, asking to talk it over. But this time I didn't. I just said "this feels like limbo, where's your head at?" He said "IMO, we tried" so I left it there — It's been 3 weeks since we've seen each other.

He still reacted to my stories daily, and lately started initiating messages about things we did together, comparing me in stories and being complementary of me, and about food and things that remind him of me. I engaged minimally, but some times with care.

This weekend, he sent a snap asking me to pray for him since he was going to a race he mentioned months ago out of the city... same location where he kept looking on dating apps in the past. I said "y'all have fun" — he ignored that and when he got there sent a picture of a restaurant I like and said "I didn't, but it made me think of you" then went MIA. I realized that now I am the woman he send snaps to while being with someone else. That triggered me.

I sent him a message that paraphrasing reads:

I'm not comfortable with what's happening. I know what I want. I was hoping for an eventual conversation but I don't think we're there anymore. I need to step back. I love you, I wanted this, and part of my still does, but I cannot accept this version of us. I hope your choices make you happy

He replied:

"I understand"

I know he's still out of town and probably doing what he does. But I feel a lot of mixed emotions. Is brief, and the fact that it didn't come with "I wish it was different and I'm sorry" or "I think that's for the best" or even "I agree" — just "I understand".

I felt like I finally created the clarity for myself, and set that boundary. But now I don't know if I should block him. I don't know if he really did understand. My head feels very confused. Felt dismissive when my message wasn't, and I thought there was care, but were just not right for each other like this... but.

He then asked: Would you rather nothing at all or something? — What does that even mean? I replied I do want a romantic relationship with him but not like this. He stopped replying. I'm thinking he was aiming for "friends".

It feels crazy.

I mainly wanted to let this out, if you got here thank you for reading. But if you have any advise please feel free.

And if you're a FA that could provide perspective of what that means, it'll be greatly appreciated.

TYIA. And for reading.

Sorry in advance for the length

We've been dating for 1.5 years. Since the beginning it's been a lot of broken trust (from him, dating apps, texting other women, not sure if physical) then promises happen, rinse and repeat — but always differently. Like we're getting somewhere.

It progressed to him having me meet his family. I still felt that he invited me because he thought I wouldn't be able to, but nonetheless the trip felt like it pulled us a lot closer, but eventually, he not so sneakily sent a snap to a woman during a concert we were at, and I found out he lied and things escalated from there.

We've haven't been without seeing each other when mad for more than 5 days. It's always been me building a bridge, asking to talk it over. But this time I didn't. I just said "this feels like limbo, where's your head at?" He said "IMO, we tried" so I left it there — It's been 3 weeks since we've seen each other.

He still reacted to my stories daily, and lately started initiating messages about things we did together, comparing me in stories and being complementary of me, and about food and things that remind him of me. I engaged minimally, but some times with care.

This weekend, he sent a snap asking me to *pray for him* since he was going to a race he mentioned months ago out if the city... same location where he kept looking on dating apps, and had flings and attempts in the past. I said "y'all have fun" — he then ignored that and when he got there sent a picture of a restaurant I like and said "I didn't, but it made me think of you". I realized that now I am the woman he send snaps to while being with someone else. That triggered me.

I sent him a message that paraphrasing reads:

I'm not comfortable with what's happening. I know what I want. I was hoping for an eventual conversation but I don't think we're there anymore. I need to step back. I love you, I wanted this, and part of my still does, but I cannot accept this version of us. I hope your choices make you happy

He replied:

"I understand"

I know he's still out of town and probably doing what he does. But I feel a lot of mixed emotions. Is brief, and the fact that it didn't come with "I wish it was different and I'm sorry" or "I think that's for the best" or even "I agree" — just "I understand".

I felt like I finally created the clarity for myself, and set that boundary. But now I don't know if I should block him. I don't know if he really did understand. My head feels very confused. Felt dismissive when my message wasn't, and I thought there was care, but were just not right for each other like this... but.

I mainly wanted to let this out, if you got here thank you for reading. But if you have any advise please feel free.

And if you're a FA that could provide perspective of what that means, it'll be greatly appreciated.

TYIA. And for reading.