u/Wrap-Village-6901

I don't feel very good. Things have been really rough lately. Family, personal, financial, school and allat. I'm over half an entire YEAR clean. I was proud of it tho i didn't tell anyone irl. But it's days like this when it feels like i might fall back into it any second now. The urges are so strong i physically cannot, like, i swear it's not in my head. My skin under my nails starts tingling, then my fingers, my palms, they start sweating and it spreads all the way up to my wrists and it tingles so bad i just don't know how to put it in words. 'Do it do it' 'just do it' 'once you do it, it's over' 'it's really easy, you've done it before, you know what to do. Once you do it, you're finally free' on loop. I know most of it is not true. I'm religious though my faith feels really weak at times, so i'm scared of the consequences too. But yeah, idrk if i can keep going. Just sitting in a corner, clinging to hope that this too shall pass. But i don't know if i really believe it. It just feels so heavy. I don't know what to do. I'm so tired.

I'm blessed, i'm grateful, but it really hurts sometimes lol. I'm so so so jealous i can't help but cry. Especially when they're your friends and you have to stand in tapti dhoop, even then, maybe, you'll get what you've been following the rules and protocol for. And they can just get it done by a dad's call. Not saying they're so filthy rich and shit. But connections go a long way too, and i just...before you come at me saying 'have you been living under a rock, ofc that's how the world works' i know that and though i'm almost 15, i'm just new to experiencing it irl on my own, consciously realizing and noting how miserable i am. I hate that i feel jealous of them because they're good people, their parents are great too. And i feel even more guilty because i resent my fate for not being born in a financially emotionally stable family, and i know i'm so blessed with a hardworking single mother but fuck i wish she had some connections too.

I really really wanted to go but neither do i have the money, nor a dad who's not an asshole, to call them and go 'yeah, fit my son in a slot there somewhere, he wants to go too.' I wish i'd get really really rich one day.

We've all heard "she's too western" or "he's gotten too western" etc right(i know how this may sound peeps i'm a super religious person myself, i'm not targetting religion)

Aside from the islamophobia, and racism (especially towards brown communities, the propaganda after 9/11 and all), what is there to use as an insult? That people have freedom of choice without being judged and labelled and honor killed or forced into child marriages??(yes, it can still happen there, talking about a general comparison)

Again, i love my religion but most of shit some people practice and then hide behind islam makes me so mad, like, you don't represent my religion and are only making it worse for those already vary of it.

I just can't wrap my mind around the fact how someone can say "haw, dekho kaise kapre pehnti hai," "kaise bolta hai, jawab dene laga hai," "boht western ho gaya/gai," "itna nai parhana chahiye tha" etc WTF??? Conveniently ignoring seeking knowledge is a fard for ALL muslims, both men and women, who are you to cherry pick and dictate(reducing a girl to kitchen, YES, IT'S 2026 YET HERE WE ARE) roles????!!!!!! And islam clearly tells us religion can never be forced, you cannot force a person to believe, let them be if they're not harming you or breaking any laws ffs. Also to follow the rules/laws of the place/country you are either visiting or reside in, and if you find that you are unable to practice your faith properly due to it, then move.(our teacher explained hijrah like this, and even two nation theory, pakistan was necessary for muslims to practice their faith freely etc yk the whole ideology definition k neeche waala paragraph in p.s books) It's all so basic, yet culture is so prevalent, people won't even bother accepting(they KNOW the commands, they won't apply them, only cherrypick) and follow biddah's and black magic is so common as if it should not be treated as something so serious. Our neighbour casually says 'oh yeah, whenever my dado visits, she takes all our hairbrushes to take back with her for black magic but baba says it's because she lives us' HUHHHHHH?????????

Idk, i'm really fed up, i didn't sleep all night and i'm just tossing this out in the void. Please be nice in the comments and don't judge or shame each other ffs.

Imma go to sleep now

Peace and love🫶

Lemme explain, i mean, we all speak urdu, of course, but i feel like our regional languages(I FEEL LIKE, ME, THIS IS NOT A FACT NOR AM I CLAOMING IT TO BE ONE, JUST SOMETHING I HAVE NOTICED AROUND ME) like pashto hindko punjabi—ok, maybe not pashto because that's spoken very often on a daily basis. But still, at home, between your siblings and parents, family, friends, when it's not required like work or school professional setting requiring you to converse in urdu/english, do you speak your first languages, or are they dying/fading with genz?

PLEASE DON'T HATE OR JUDGE CUZ IT MIGHT SOUND LIKE A DUMB QUESTION BUT I'M JUST CURIOUS OK??

Look forward and never back. Anything left behind is never worth risking the future for.

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Shit happens. People are messy. Some are cruel, some are shallow, some are lost, but each is a lesson, and most are NOT your burden to carry.

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Your looks, style, clothes aren't ugly, cringe or uncool. You know what IS uncool tho? Being arrogant, snobby, thinking you're better than others just because you have more in materialistic means and not morals. Not stopping by to help those in need when you can. Not providing a shoulder for those who are hurt, to cry on. Being jealous, judgmental and a jerk, basically. Moderate lifestyle isn't an inconvenience, it's a blessing. You'll have to answer for it, afterall, so stop chasing after wordly materialistic goods and build character, genuine bonds where you can.

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Gatekeeping will not give their rizq to you neither will giving good advice hand your rizq to them. Everyone comes with their own naseeb and has battles they don't talk about. Be kind, generous and empathetic but protect your peace. Don't think withholding anything will put you on a pedestal. What's yours will come to you no matter what and what's their's will go to them with or without your help, you choose whether you want to be a part—waseela—in others' joy/happiness/comfort or not.

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You're not perfect. You will sway, you will slip, you're human and bound to mess up. It's ok as long as you acknowledge your shortcomings, humble yourself and strive to keep doing better.

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Always focus on the positive, the beautiful, the bright side of things.

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Give them benefit of the doubt. You never know what someone might be going through. But you do know how it feels to be on the receiving end of that misunderstanding, loneliness, utter hopelessness, shame and guilt. So do your best to not let anyone else feel that way.

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Always support what's right, be accountable and own your mistakes—anyone who does wrong, needs to hold themselves accountable, even if it's the people you love.

No spoilers, no idea whatsover what i was getting into, i didn't even read the description. It was slow at first for my taste but then ROCKY???? SOOOO CUTEEE istg i cried atleast thrice. Why is it so adorable ?? CAN I PET THAT DAWGGG??? Ugh...i wouldn't have forgiven them if they had, yk, but thank god it, yk. No spoilers. Peak graphics, so beautiful. Absolute cinema. Hehehe. I really have an alien-fever now. WHERE'S MY ROCKY ???

Comment first and last letter of your name, let others complete it. Mine's no secret lol but: A, L

Must be nice, being good at something. Oh well! Moving on.