u/Xamirite

I maintain an "imperfect, but still hard-working" persona in front of people I'm not close to. That is, I'm open about having ADHD but still shy away from how debilitating it truly is for me. I don't go into detail about the herculean effort it takes to be half-way decent, nor the borderline daily harassment I'm subject to from my... lets say "modern medicine averse" parents. However, there's this friend group of mine full of people with autism, BPD, DID, etc; people who know what it's like to be different and, all things considered, are pretty understanding when it comes to executive dysfunction.

Things were great for a while. Me and this one girl figured out that we work well when we body double together, and have been in the talks. We hold one another accountable, we go to the library, we motivate eachother, and so on. Today, I felt comfortable enough to talk about how weird it is to finally speak about how uniquely terrible ADHD can be, but that I also fear that I'm coming across as willingly incompetent to the friend group.

To my surprise she reveals that I am, in fact, "blaming everything on ADHD." We have a conversation about learned helplessness and accountability, where I explain while there inevitably have/will be instances where I don't hold myself as accountable as I should, she doesn't see all the little systems, decisions and sacrifices I make just to function. She doesn't know what actually blaming everything on a disorder looks like. It especially hurt because the reason why I messaged her in the first place was to set up some kind of body double to help get started watching some lecture recordings, even though slogging through those feels like hell on Earth.

I don't know. I've always been an achiever, I've always hated how this disorder sets me back, I'm always trying even on bad days. Unless it's another person with ADHD as severe as mine, I just think I'm done unmasking for good. At least this gives me some spite to work with.

Timmy's Adderall ran out this Friday morning, and the pharmacy's closed on weekends.

Twitter is 4tranner nonsense. Tumblr is white nonsense. Other subs are both. There's no online space where you as a POC trans dude can exist without someone ruining your day.

Thanks, blue lady and co. for reconfirming white trans women are awful across the board. Schrodinger's trans man is a clockly, whiny wannabe when it's time to make fun of him but also a buff, stealth serial transmisogynist when it's time to blame him for all the worlds ills. Thanks Stagdad and co. for reconfirming white trans men are still white. I hope all his weirdo followers seethe at the fact I "pass better" for being black, or whatever.

Thanks, Tumblr for being routinely weird about anyone darker than a sheet of paper. I looooove being black in spaces where I'm subtly feared for it. I looooove the same people who flinch at my usage of the n-word being racist behind closed doors. It's soooooo fun. It's not suffocating when dudes insist they deserve grace for being bigoted morons because they're neurodivergent and gay and have BPD and have ten EDs and and and and

Thanks everywhere else for being just as bad, if not worse. The broader trans community is awesome! I have very nice words that are totally allowed on this sub to say to all of you!! Nobody act shocked when trans men as a whole get meaner in the next few months!!! You all definitely don't deserve it!!!!

I like making stuff. I like making stuff well. Whether its my hobbies or my academic career, I enjoy doing the best I can. In particular, in the many fandom spaces I occupy, I love writing/drawing things that inspire and impress. It's the best feeling in the world, especially when what I've made is relatively novel.

The issue is that any time spent not creating or working feels like a waste. I'm genuinely, physically restless on the days where I haven't "done enough," even if I've met a personal quota. I can't consume things normally, either. When I read, watch or listen something that amazes me, I'll be lucky if I allow myself to enjoy it in full before rushing off to start/continue a project out of a weird sense of envy. The accomplishments of those around me feel like a personal failing. I'll often sacrifice the quality of long projects just to get them out as soon as possible; prolonged periods without external praise feel, unironically, unbearable. ADHD only compounds things. Being the "I want to excel at everything I set my mind to," type with the "I can't fucking do anything," disorder is one hell of a paradox.

It's hard talking to friends about the feeling without sounding insufferable. They're E5s and E9s for the most part and have no problem finding intrinsic value of their own. So, when I do the classic E3 thing of objectively being very accomplished but complaining about my own impossibly high standards, they're understandably frustrated. I feel insane living a life where "enough" is a constantly shifting goalpost.

They needed an injured Scottie, BI and Quickley just to scrape by with 5 points. They weren't bad, but lets not act like this was an even playing field. Oh, and Scott Foster may or may not be the antichrist.

I liked what I saw today. Phenomenal plays from Jakobe, Shed, Mamu, RJ, Scottie, CMB and Battle. The defence those last two rolled out was spectacular. Even if we don't win the series, we fought hard and we fought well. This improvement will take us somewhere great, even if it's not this year. Wishing our guys a speedy recovery.