u/abbanahimanenge

I’m 28M, my girlfriend is 28F. We’ve been together for 4 years and living together for around 3. I love her, but lately I’ve started wondering whether I’m staying because I genuinely see a future or because we’ve already invested so much time into this relationship.

The biggest issue is that I feel like I’m always the one repairing things. We fight quite a lot, and I genuinely cannot remember her ever coming to me after a fight and saying sorry or trying to make things right. No matter who was wrong, I’m the one who eventually goes over, starts talking again, hugs her, apologises if needed and tries to get us back to normal.

I’ve tried talking to her about this when we’re both calm. I’ve tried explaining things as gently as possible without attacking her. Usually it goes one of two ways: either it becomes another argument, or she just looks at me with almost no reaction and doesn’t really respond. It feels like there’s nowhere for the conversation to go.

Every few months we’ll also have one massive fight where everything explodes. She can cry and scream so loudly that I genuinely worry the neighbours are going to call the police because they’ll think something serious is happening. Eventually we calm down and things go back to normal, but nothing really gets resolved.

The other thing I’m struggling with is attraction.
I’m quite into health, grooming and presentation. I try to eat reasonably well, exercise, dress properly depending on where I’m going, wear deodorant/perfume and generally make an effort. I’m not claiming I’m some model, but I care about looking good and I want my girlfriend to find me attractive.

She’s gained quite a bit of weight over time and doesn’t seem particularly bothered about changing her lifestyle. She notices it herself and will avoid certain clothes because she thinks they make her look bigger, but she doesn’t seem interested in eating better or taking care of herself physically.
I know saying that is going to sound shallow, but for me it isn’t just about weight. It’s the feeling that she doesn’t care about looking good for me anymore. I still care about looking good for her.

Same thing with clothes. She buys a lot from SHEIN but somehow never seems to have a good outfit for a nice restaurant, special occasion or dinner with colleagues. There have been times where I’ve genuinely felt embarrassed because everyone else has made an effort and she hasn’t.

She’s also very quiet around my colleagues. She’ll smile, laugh and answer if spoken to, but rarely contributes much, so I often feel like I’m carrying the whole social interaction.

Then there’s sex.
She has basically never initiated sex in our relationship. I’m always the one starting things. She doesn’t really come onto me, initiate sexting or make me feel sexually wanted. When I try sexting, some of the replies are so dry that I instantly regret starting it.

And that part has really started messing with my confidence.

It’s not even about wanting sex constantly. I just want to know what it feels like for my girlfriend to want me enough to initiate something herself.
When I look at everything together, I feel like I’m always the one initiating: sex, flirting, reconciliation after arguments, serious conversations, affection, social effort, all of it.

And lately I keep thinking: if I stopped initiating everything, what would actually happen to our relationship?

I also need to be fair to her. Earlier in our relationship, I kissed somebody else and told her about it. I know that hurt her and I take responsibility for it. Sometimes I wonder whether she still carries resentment from that and whether some of her emotional distance comes from it.

But if that’s the case, I’d rather actually talk about it.
I don’t want to be the guy controlling what his girlfriend eats, wears or weighs. I know she’s her own person. But I also don’t think I can pretend that attraction, health, intimacy and effort don’t matter to me.

The worrying part is that I’m starting to resent her. Small things bother me now because they all seem connected to this bigger feeling that I’m putting more into the relationship than she is.

So I’m mainly asking the men here who’ve been in long-term relationships:
Have you ever reached the point where you still loved your partner but felt unwanted, unheard and like you were carrying everything?

Did counselling or changing the way you communicated actually help?

Or once you started losing attraction and building resentment, was the relationship basically already over?

I genuinely don’t know whether I should keep fighting for this or accept that we might just be incompatible.

I’m 28M, she’s 28F. We’ve been together for 4 years and living together for around 3.

I love her, but I’m honestly starting to feel exhausted and I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if we’re just not compatible anymore.

The biggest thing is our fights. No matter whose fault it is, I’m ALWAYS the one who goes back to her. I’m the one who starts talking again, hugs her, apologises, tries to fix things, tries to make the house normal again.

I genuinely cannot remember one fight where she came to me afterwards and said sorry or tried to make things right. If I don’t go to her, we’ll just sit there not talking.

And yes, I’ve tried talking to her about this. I’ve tried bringing things up when we’re both calm. I’ve tried explaining how I feel without shouting or attacking her. Usually one of two things happens.
Either it somehow turns into another fight, or she just stares at me with basically no reaction. That’s it. No proper conversation. No “I understand.” Nothing. It feels like talking to a wall sometimes.

Then every 3-6 months we’ll have one HUGE fight.
And when I say huge, I mean she can cry/scream at the top of her lungs. It gets so loud that I genuinely start worrying the neighbours are going to call the cops because they’ll think something serious is happening. Then somehow we make up, go back to normal, and nothing actually gets fixed. Then a few months later it happens again.

The other thing is attraction. I know Reddit is probably going to destroy me for saying this, but she has gained quite a bit of weight and keeps gaining.
I’m pretty into health. I try to eat properly, exercise, look after myself, dress well, smell good, wear deodorant/perfume etc.

I’m not saying I’m some model. I just care about looking good and I want my partner to find me attractive. She basically eats whatever she wants and doesn’t seem to care much about the weight gain. She knows she’s gained weight too because she avoids certain clothes because she thinks they make her look bigger.

I’m not expecting her to be skinny. What bothers me is that I don’t feel like she even cares about looking good for me anymore.

Same with clothes. She buys so much random stuff from SHEIN but somehow doesn’t really have one proper outfit for a nice dinner, special occasion, work event etc. Sometimes I honestly feel embarrassed taking her somewhere with colleagues because everyone else makes an effort and she just doesn’t seem bothered. She’s also really quiet around my colleagues. She’ll smile, laugh, answer if someone asks her something, but that’s basically it. So I feel like I’m carrying the social side too.

Then there’s sex. She has basically never initiated sex. Like ever. I’m always the one initiating. She doesn’t really come onto me, sext me first, randomly start something sexual or make me feel wanted.
When I try sexting, sometimes I get such dry replies that I regret even starting it. After a while it actually messes with your confidence. You start thinking, does my own girlfriend even want me?

And that’s kind of where my resentment is coming from.
I initiate fixing fights.
I initiate sex.
I initiate flirting.
I initiate serious conversations.
I try to look good.
I make the effort when we go somewhere.
I carry conversations socially.
And I keep thinking… what does she initiate?

I also want to be fair because I’m not perfect either.
Very early in our relationship I kissed someone else and told her about it. I know that hurt her and I take responsibility for it. Sometimes I wonder if she still resents me for that and just never says it. If she does, I’d rather know.

I don’t want to be controlling. I don’t want to tell her what to eat, what to wear, how much to weigh or how to behave.

But I also don’t think I can pretend attraction, effort, intimacy and communication don’t matter to me.
The worst part is I’m starting to resent really small things now.

Stuff that probably wouldn’t have bothered me before now annoys me because everything just feels like another example of me caring more.

I still love her.
That’s why this is hard.
But I honestly don’t know how many times I can “communicate” when every conversation either becomes a fight or gets no response.
Am I expecting too much?
Would you suggest couples counselling?
Or does this just sound like two people who love each other but are completely incompatible?

I (28M) and my girlfriend (28F) have been together for 3 years and living together for 1 year.

I am looking for some honest advice because I’m starting to feel lost in my relationship and I genuinely want to understand what I might be missing.

I love my girlfriend deeply. We’ve built a life together, live together. This isn’t a post about trying to prove I’m right or paint her as the villain. I know I have flaws too, and I’m sure there are things I could do better.

The issue I’m struggling with is what happens whenever I try to raise a concern or discuss a problem.

I’m naturally a solution-oriented person. When something is bothering me, I prefer to talk about it, understand each other’s perspectives, and figure out how we can improve things together. I don’t enjoy conflict and I don’t bring issues up to attack someone. Usually by the time I raise something, I’ve spent days or weeks thinking about it first.

A recent example involved adopting a cat. At the time, I felt we already had enough stress on our plate financially and personally, and I expressed that I didn’t think it was the right time. Eventually I agreed because it was something she really wanted.

The situation later became much more complicated than either of us expected, and it reinforced a feeling I’ve had for a long time: that when I express concerns, I don’t feel heard until after the consequences have already happened.

What hurts isn’t whether I was right or wrong about the cat. The bigger issue is that whenever I try to discuss a concern, the conversation often becomes about my faults instead.

For example, I might say:
“Hey, this situation has been bothering me. Can we talk about it?” I genuinely try to be calm. I avoid name-calling, yelling, blaming, or bringing up unrelated issues. I explain how I’m feeling and what my concern is.

But somehow the conversation often turns into why my concern isn’t valid, things I’ve done wrong, mistakes I’ve made in the past, how I contributed to the problem, why I shouldn’t feel the way I do.

Even when I explicitly say things like:
“I’m not blaming you.”
“I’m not saying you’re a bad person.”
“I’m not trying to win an argument.”
“I’m bringing this up because I want us to work on it together.”
It still feels like she hears criticism rather than a request to solve a problem together.

The end result is that I often leave these conversations feeling unheard. Sometimes I feel like I spend more time defending the fact that I brought up an issue than actually discussing the issue itself.

What’s confusing is that when she raises concerns about me, I genuinely try to listen and understand her perspective, even when it’s uncomfortable. So I struggle to understand why the same thing seems so difficult when the roles are reversed.

Over time, I’ve started becoming hesitant to bring things up at all. I find myself thinking:
“Is it even worth having this conversation?”
“Will this just become another argument?”
“Am I going to end up apologizing for raising the issue?”
And I don’t think that’s healthy.

So I wanted to ask here:
Why is this happening!
What causes someone to immediately feel attacked when their partner raises concerns?
Are there communication approaches that work better than what I’m doing?
How can someone tell the difference between a communication problem and a deeper compatibility issue?
If your partner felt consistently unheard, what would you want them to do?
At what point does avoiding difficult conversations start damaging a relationship?

I genuinely love this woman and want this relationship to work. I’m not looking for validation. I want to understand perspectives that I may not be seeing because right now I feel like every attempt to communicate ends up taking us further away from the original issue.

Any honest advice would be appreciated.

I'm honestly feeling very stuck and would really appreciate some guidance.

28M in Sydney on a 485 till Jan 2028.
I've done my Master from UTS and USYD currently working as a paralegal. I should be getting admitted as a solicitor in the next few months (LPAB + PLT in progress).
The problem is... I have no clear PR plan at all.
I keep reading about 189/190/491, but law seems super competitive and my points probably aren't enough right now anyway.
At the same time, I don't know if I should just focus on getting admitted and working as a solicitor first, or start planning PR stuff already.

Also really confused whether I should go to a migration agent or immigration lawyer now, or is it too early?
Should I start NAATI and IELTS now to boost points, or wait?
Chances of employer sponsorship are also slim and I don't want to mess this up or waste time.
If anyone has been in a similar situation (especiallv in law), I'd really appreciate any advice
Please help!!

Hey everyone,

I’m honestly feeling very stuck and would really appreciate some guidance.

I’m 28 in Sydney, currently on a 485 visa valid till Jan 2028. I’ve done my Master’s from UTS and USYD and I’m working as a paralegal in banking & finance law since last 2+ years. I should be getting admitted as a solicitor in the next few months (LPAB + PLT in progress).

The problem is… I have no clear PR plan at all.

I don’t have skilled experience as a solicitor yet, and from what I understand that’s pretty important. I keep reading about 189/190/491, but law seems super competitive and my points probably aren’t enough right now anyway.

At the same time, I don’t know if I should just focus on getting admitted and working as a solicitor first, or start planning PR stuff already.

Also really confused about a few things:
- Should I go to a migration agent or immigration lawyer now, or is it too early?
- Should I start NAATI and IELTS now to boost points, or wait?

I feel like I’m in a bad position as chances of employer sponsorship are also slim and I don’t want to mess this up or waste time.

If anyone has been in a similar situation (especially in law), I’d really appreciate any advice or direction.

Please help!! 🙏