u/amber8977

Help. I don't know what to do.

I am from New Zealand, I moved to London to be with my partner in 2024. Found out he's been getting handjobs at massage parlours, once last year in March, he proposed in August, and again in February this year. He was never going to tell me and I found out. We were meant to be getting married in 6 months.

I live in London, and am on the other side of the world to my family and feel incredibly alone. I have friends in London but he was my core person.

I am absolutely heartbroken.

We live together in an apartment, so if I stay in London I need to get a new flatshare (or ask him to leave and get a flatmate), I also am between jobs so need to find work.

If I go back home to New Zealand I can live rent free with my parents, and I have friends there. But New Zealand there isn't a whole lot to do, it's winter, and I'd be in limbo. Whereas in London there are lots of events (concerts, parties, etc) and I'm pretty busy here so good distraction. But I feel alone a lot because I don't have close friends here or family, and it feels hard. Like really hard. I don't have anyone to come over and hold me while I cry. I have friends but not close like that. Some days I'm ok and kinda happy, other days all I do is wish I was home with my parents on the couch.

What would you do? Sometimes I think I should stay and try and have a fun summer, other times I think I should just go home. If I go home I don't think I'll come back to London. It would be too hard to rebuild here again.

It's a 30 hour flight home, with severe jetlag.

I have $150K USD saved, but that was for a house deposit

TLDR: How do you best move through the early months of break up? What helps?!

Help. I don't know what to do.

I am from New Zealand, I moved to London to be with my partner in 2024. Found out he's been getting handjobs at massage parlours, once last year in March, he proposed in August, and again in February this year. He was never going to tell me and I found out. We were meant to be getting married in 6 months.

I live in London, and am on the other side of the world to my family and feel incredibly alone. I have friends in London but he was my core person.

I am absolutely heartbroken.

We live together in an apartment, so if I stay in London I need to get a new flatshare (or ask him to leave and get a flatmate), I also am between jobs so need to find work.

If I go back home to New Zealand I can live rent free with my parents, and I have friends there. But New Zealand there isn't a whole lot to do, it's winter, and I'd be in limbo. Whereas in London there are lots of events (concerts, parties, etc) and I'm pretty busy here so good distraction. But I feel alone a lot because I don't have close friends here or family, and it feels hard. Like really hard. I don't have anyone to come over and hold me while I cry. I have friends but not close like that.

What would you do? Sometimes I think I should stay and try and have a fun summer, other times I think I should just go home. If I go home I don't think I'll come back to London. It would be too hard to rebuild here again.

It's a 30 hour flight home, with severe jetlag.

I have $150K USD saved, but that was for a house deposit

TLDR: How do you best move through the early months of betrayal trauma? What helps?!

Help. I don't know what to do

I am from New Zealand, I moved to London to be with my partner in 2024. Found out he's been getting handjobs at massage parlours, once last year in March, he proposed in August, and again in February this year. He was never going to tell me and I found out. We were meant to be getting married in 6 months.

I live in London, and am on the other side of the world to my family and feel incredibly alone. I have friends in London but he was my core person.

I am absolutely heartbroken.

We live together in an apartment, so if I stay in London I need to get a new flatshare (or ask him to leave and get a flatmate), I also am between jobs so need to find work.

If I go back home to New Zealand I can live rent free with my parents, and I have friends there. But New Zealand there isn't a whole lot to do, whereas in London there are lots of events (concerts, parties, etc) and I'm pretty busy here so good distraction. But I feel alone a lot because I don't have close friends here or family, and it feels hard.

What would you do? Sometimes I think I should stay and try and have a fun summer, other times I think I should just go home. If I go home I don't think I'll come back to London. It would be too hard to rebuild here again.

It's a 30 hour flight home, with severe jetlag.

I have $150K USD saved, but that was for a house deposit

TLDR: How do you best move through the early months of betrayal trauma? What helps?!

Found out a few weeks ago my fiancé cheated on me twice at massage parlours with happy endings. Proposed to me in between. Lied for 18 months since the first time. Said he was never going to tell me. While I was begging him to have more sex with me!

I am devastated, shocked, did not see this coming at all.

Pls help me with working out my logistics:

--> I am from New Zealand and living in London

--> I am in our apartment alone for July, I don't have a job (I left my tech job just before I found out about this, to job hunt and have some time off), and am alone a lot of the day. I schedule seeing a friend atleast once a day, like going to the pub, etc. But I don't have my best friends here to come over and hang. It's building friendships (and a lot of my friendship and support system here was him)

--> I deeply miss my family right now, just want someone to cook for me and hold me. The problem is the flight is so long (30 hours), and I get jetlagged for 2 weeks after I get home which seriously knocks me around (12 hour time difference).

I'm trying to see people, build deeper friendships, let people in etc, cook for myself, live by myself, job hunt and interview, while being extremely sad. The whole situation is hard. I do have community here but they are friends not close friends, and a lot of my life revolved around my fiancé

Originally I was determined to stay in London - there isn't much for me in New Zealand right now (I've lived in London 2 years) but now I don't know

I don't know whether to A) just book a flight home for a month and then come back to London and sort stuff out, B) do some travel around Europe or C) get another job in London and trust it will get better with routine

I will tackle moving out at some point - I could possibly stay in our apartment and get a flatmate for the spare bedroom. Just a lot of memories here, and ties me into a lease etc.

It's summer here in Europe, peak winter in New Zealand

TLDR: How do you make logistical decisions when you're heartbroken - and can anyone help me decide what to do? What helps? All I want is to go back to how my life was before D day

I am so sad.

Found out my fiancee cheated on me, then proposed, then cheated again this year the day we sent out wedding invites.

I am viewing flats at the moment, interviewing for jobs (I left my job in tech to take 1 month off to recover from stress before this came out, so annoying), and trying to get myself in a better position so I can leave

But whenever I have a moment to step out of logistics and actually feel my feelings, I feel so fking devastated. I’ve never had a break up of this monumental level - I was meant to be married in February next year and now I’m about to be single in London and flat sharing again

Does anyone have any advice for coping each day? My family are on the other side of the world in Australia. I have friends here but I’m struggling. I know it will get better and I’m determined, I’m just trying to cope

Any advice, big or small, would be so so helpful

My fiancee cheated on me twice at massage parlours with happy endings. One 18 months ago. Was never going to tell me (I found out), and we were due to marry this February.

I am organising to leave him (thanks to the amazing support of this forum), but am scared.

I've told him I want 'space'. He has agreed to stay with a friend for July, leaving me at the apartment alone (and paying his half of rent). After that he says if I still need 'space' he could get a short term rental for August.

I just left my job (it was high paying in tech but very stressful). So have no income, but have savings. This makes finding a new place to live a bit hard.

We have a 2 month break clause on our lease (so can move out but need to give 2 months notice). I'll then be navigating London's rental market which is... terrible

My options:

A) Job hunt vigorously and take anything I can, get job, give notice on our apartment, move into a temporary flatshare on 1 August and look for a longer term flatshare, partner can be left with flat to deal with (he can afford it)

B) OR trust that he will get a temporary place to live in August, to give me more time to work out what I'm doing, even if I break up with him (currently he just thinks I want space), and take my time finding a good job, grieving, and flatshare hunting

C) Don't get a job, spend July having fun in London, travel Europe in August, then move back home to New Zealand in late September

D) Keep the flat and get a subletter in, although this breaks my lease terms and the landlord wouldn't be happy (he's very involved). I could put someone new on the lease and replace my partner, but I can't sign new lease until I have a job as he takes proof of income

I have 130k pounds saved up. But that was meant to be for a house deposit one day. Our rent together is £2,700 per month.

TLDR: Can anyone lend me their logistics brain for separation? I also need help dealing with someone who is selfish/nasty
I'm naturally honest, kind and open. This isn't working well for me with him as he is being quite narcissistic / very selfish when we speak. I suspect he is being ok at the moment with moving out etc because he thinks I'll get back with him

My partner (31M) who has cheated when I asked him why, said that it was the novelty - that obviously another girl touching his dick is better than his current partner cos of the novelty

He blames porn for training his brain into craving novelty

It’s really fucked with me - is this true? Are all men like this?

Just such a hurtful thing to say. It’s reframed our whole relationship in my head.

(He cheated on me with a sex worker, twice, handjobs)

I found out my fiancée cheated on me by getting a happy ending (handjob) at massage parlours, twice

The first was in March 2025, he then proposed in Aug 2025, then cheated again in Feb 2026 (on the day we sent out wedding invitations). I didn't know about any of it until now.

He keeps maintaining that he didn't want a happy ending, he just wanted a massage and then couldn't stop once it started happening, and that if roles were reversed he would take me back. He keeps asking to give him one chance.

He never told me what happened, was never going to. I only found out due to other lies which lead to me bluffing and saying I'd been to the massage parlours and threatened to go to the police, and said I knew. Only then did he come clean.

Is what he did bad? Is it enough to leave and ruin our relationship?

What hurts the most is it was a sexless relationship - we'd sleep together once every 2 - 3 weeks. I raised this with him so many times, offering to spice things up, he kept just saying he's tired. I would initiate every few days and always get turned down.

TLDR: My fiance has cheated twice, didn't tell me, was never going to tell me, but I feel like I should give him a chance. Help.

Well, in a hellish nightmare I've found out my fiancée cheated on me with handjobs at massage parlours. The first was a year into our relationship, the second was months after he proposed and we just got a new apartment together. We are due to marry in Feb 2027.

I found out through a web of lies, and then I went through his search history and found massage parlours and had a gut feeling. I confronted him and he lied. A few days later I pretended I'd gone into the parlours and threatened the police and that they'd told me, and he confessed to the handjobs (and paying for them).

I need help. I am devastated and not ok.

• I am leaving him - I have asked him to move out from next Friday onwards so I will have our apartment to myself (said I needed 'space') -- so I can sort myself out
• He is away this weekend and I'm hating being alone already. I don't want this life.... I thought I was getting married in February and now I'm alone in a foreign country in a quiet house and so sad
• I thought once he leaves I'd feel better but I feel worse
• We went to couples therapy and she wants to talk about what led to the cheating, which hurts
• I moved from New Zealand to London to be with him 2 years ago. So I feel really far away from home right now. I do have friends here, but I'm between jobs at the moment which SUCKS, trying to apply for jobs while going through this
• I can't stop going through all of his search history and facebook etc trying to find more, I'm sure he's done other things, can't find it, he keeps denying it. I spend 5 hours+ a day searching
• He's saying he wants to do anything to stay together, and it's so hard not just hanging out with him. I miss him.

I'm just so devastated. Don't know what to do with myself and I don't feel strong enough to leave him. Any advice would be so appreciated.

I don't have much on in my life atm and feel deeply empty/alone without him currently. I'm usually good at making a plan to get out of bad situations but I'm so stumped and so sad.

For context: I've also found out he cheated 3 times on his previous girlfriend. Lied to me about porn usage.

TLDR: How do I get through the hardest period of my entire life? Will anyone ever love me like the love I felt with him again?

Had a moth exterminator with pest control come and spray the house today.

The house now absolutely stinks, gives me a headache going inside for even 5 minutes, and a weird furry feeling on my tongue.

Should I be worried? I’m trying to air the house but there’s hardly any wind in London 🥲😅

TLDR: how much is pesticide sprayed in my home going to f up my hormones?

I was engaged to be married in January next year. I recently found out partner went to massage parlours & got handjobs, once at the start of last year, once at the start of this year - on the same day he sent out our wedding invitations.

I am absolutely devastated. I can’t sleep, can’t eat, am blindsided. He says all the things I want to hear but I don’t buy it, I think he’s just sorry he got caught.

Don’t know how to begin starting a new life, while devastated and heartbroken. How to leave someone I love so much.

- I just quit my job and am jobless. I do have savings

- We just moved into our own apartment & I love it & not having flatmates

- Worried I’ll never love anyone again like I do him, that I’m too old to be single again & find someone

- Feel like faithful people don’t exist, this is the second time I’ve been cheated on

I feel incredibly lost and broken. I need to job hunt so I can move house if I need to (I need proof of income), need to work out where to stay/what to do, have a week holiday w him & friends booked end of this month, how to leave. I could go travelling around Europe solo in hostels etc but it feels lonely to me doing that rn

I do have enough savings to last me 2-3 months without a job comfortably.

Also practically - what could I need to get in order? I’ve never had something like this happen

Eg. STI check, shared finances, wedding deposits sort, delete my nudes from his phone

Wondering if I try find more evidence of cheating incase there is more…

And… will I ever be ok again? 🥲

TLDR: My fiance cheated on me at massage parlours & I don’t know what to do with my life and how to leave , and I’m sleep deprived af 🥲😅

My partner and I are due to marry in Jan 2027. When we started dating he told me in his past relationship he cheated on his girlfriend 10 yrs ago, worst thing he ever did, learnt a lot and would never do it again, but understood if I didn’t want to be with him. I admired his honesty & accountability & stayed.  

A year into dating I asked him what actually happened with the cheating, he said was drunk and a girl climbed on top of him, didn’t initiate it, etc. I said that sounds like assault and are you ok. He said he'd never thought about it like that and yeah maybe. Then for the last 2 years I’ve been providing support - saying things like I wish you were with me when it happened so I could have told you it wasn’t cheating, got you help, etc. He has not wanted to talk about it but hasn't corrected me.

I found out last week (2 years on) that he was never raped, he cheated 3 times on his ex-girlfriend with this girl. I got suspicious because that week he went to an event with the girl who ‘raped’ him, and I went through his phone and found messages with his ex about the cheating. I confronted him and he freaked out and lied. A few days later eventually came clean. 

He has since said he was deeply ashamed of cheating, was scared I'd leave him over it. Said that when I suggested it wasn’t consensual he didn’t know how to respond and told a ‘white lie’, that escalated into a big lie. I am confident he hasn't been cheating on me, as I went through his phone and he never even looks at other girls, he has been very faithful & committed in our relationship. He said he only saw her because he didn’t want to miss the big event that everyone was going to etc. I do believe him that he hasn’t cheated and doesn’t have intentions to cheat on me. He had a very traumatic childhood where he was beaten and has a lot of shame over who he is. He said he was terrified of me leaving him and it snowballed and he feels awful. 

To make everything hurt more I was violently raped in a past relationship when I was 17, which is something I am actively working through in therapy and have been for 6 years. So his lie stung even more. 

He is going to therapy now weekly, we are going to couples therapy, and he is desperate to keep the relationship.

We are meant to be getting married in February. I want to postpone/cancel the wedding for now (we only just sent out invites last month) but he desperately still wants to get married. Says he will reduce his working hours and plan the whole thing, and personally pay for a wedding planner so I don’t have to do anything. I find it really odd and said why can’t we just focus having a nice time living overseas and travelling this year, working on the relationship and communication, and get married later. 

On top of this, this year I have been extremely stressed with work, him being out of the house a lot doing a huge cycling race training, and a bunch of other stuff. He’s said he’s been selfish and overcommitted and didn’t put our relationship first. My aunty has also recently gotten terminal cancer the last few weeks and been given 4 - 10 months to live, which is another reason I want to postpone the wedding. 

Why on earth does he still want to get married when I feel like our relationship is so on the rocks? And how do I even begin to recover from all of this? Do I just leave or stay? There is a lot of love there but I feel exhausted

TLDR: How on earth do I decide whether to marry someone in 8 months, after a relationship betrayal? Is this how love is meant to feel? And why is he so committed to marrying me etc but then his actions say otherwise?

Any advice is hugely appreciated wonderful Reddit humans 💜