u/angery-borg

Hey all, i could not put into words how much turmoil and pain I’ve been through these last few months but my husband and I finally decided we are going to divorce because I’m cf and he was a fence sitter but ultimately decided fatherhood is too important to him to grow old with me. Pls don’t judge me for not knowing earlier- we got married when we were in our early-mid 20s and due to some immigration issues and we love each other so much. When I was at that age I just thought “maybe one day but prob not” bc that’s what people do, but as I get older, I realize I didn’t have to follow the life script despite everyone making subtle suggestions about when I’m having babies, where is my grand babies, etc etc. I’ve always found that to be repulsive and learned more and more that it’s not something I want, or really can have: I have CPTSD, PMDD, and bad depression, all of which predictive of PPD.

Because of childhood neglect/lack of stable home, I’m also hyper independent and take care of everything: I financially supported my husband for 7 years, I took care of finances, made investments, did all of our taxes, cleaned the house, cook us dinner, do our laundry etc. he didn’t even have a credit card at 28. I applied one for him. He never checked the mail and never paid a water/electricity/medical bill on his own. Every tax season all I ask is for him to get me his w2 but he doesn’t know where to get it so I had to call his mom to get it from her. During this time, I was working at a FAANG company and burned myself out to the point of being hospitalized. He visited me every day and I felt very loved and supported, but he never took anything off my plate: I was still the breadwinner, the house maintainer, the accountant, the financial manager, etc you name it. He does take great care of me and my dogs, and he’s very caring, loving person. He’s aware of all my mental health issues and he stayed with me through it. And for that, I was happily carrying him in our life style and provide for him.

I’ve brought up many times with him that I’m unable to give birth due to danger of PMDD and severe depression. I also brought up that I’m carrying way too much to be bringing on more responsibilities. He just said he’ll “do it all” and he again and again asked me to be “open minded”. He also said he’s not 100% sure and his priority is me and he’ll do what’s right for us and is open to the idea of being CF. However, he hates that I’m staunchly cf. He saw that I sub to cf and regretful parents subreddit and berated me for it. He called me being radicalized, selfish, and “unilateral” in our family decision making. He said if I kept participating in cf, then I’m selfish and I don’t care for our family. He called me at my high stress job to berate me and I sobbed in the office.

All of this comes to a head recently when one of his relatives died and he came into a large sum of inheritance. While I know I’m not entitled to it, I felt as his wife who’s provided for him for 7 years and extremely burned out from my corporate job, he could use that money to pay towards our mortgage so I don’t have to bend over backwards at work to pay each month. I was so excited when I saw he finally got his inheritance in our joint account and said “does this mean I can finally quit my job and take a break?” Beaming. His face changed and said “hm yea I’d be ok with putting it down for the house but I want to save that for childcare”. CHILDCARE. Knowing I do not want a child. Knowing that he won’t have a child with me. It’s a slap on the face hearing the word childcare when I was the one caring for him all these years. He said that he doesn’t like to work (lol) and doesn’t have other passion, and he needs raising children to be his main purpose in life. I said to him you don’t make enough money, you don’t possess life skills, and you haven’t truly adulted. He said once he has a kid he’ll change and do whatever it takes to take care of the baby and be a good father.

Hearing that his first reaction to seeing his inheritance is “childcare” deeply, deeply hurt me. He said he wanted to be together and make it work but his first reaction isn’t to take care of the woman who took care of him for years, is for a hypothetical family that doesn’t exist. 5 days later, I asked for a divorce.

Now we are in the process of prepping our house for sale. I will be out of debt and on my own. I’m relieved I don’t have to carry a dead weight who’s delusional about the sunshine and rainbow of parenthood, but I’m also so so so terrified of being alone after spending so much of my adulthood with him and his family. I know I’m doing the right thing, but it is so hard. It is too much. I’m in so much pain. I resent him so much for all the decisions he’s made

EDIT: Wow thank you all for the overwhelming support. Seeing all these kind messages makes me feel strong this morning. I feel more and more ready to be on my own as time goes on.

Married my husband when I was 26 and him 24 and we’ve been together for 7 years and married for 5. Please don’t judge me for marrying him without knowing what we want. We had to get married quickly due to green card issues (my work visa was expiring and I was about to get deported)

We truly love each other so much. We are best friends: we have two lovely rescue dogs, we play video games together, we go out to the same diner every week for breakfast etc etc. we appreciate each other’s humor and I feel at times only he gets my joke. I don’t have any family in the US and his wonderful family has treated me as if I’m their own. I had a terrible traumatic childhood and he’s listened to every one of those difficult stories and loved me through them. I am also always for him. When we met he was smoking a ton of weed so in order to help him/us save money I learned to grow (really fucking good) weed. I financially supported us for the last 7 years and I’d do that for the rest of my life if it’s just the two of us. We were both fence sitters but after a hospitalization and a very personally and health wise challenging time, I decided and vocalized to him that I do not ever see myself having children. I realized the problem I was having that caused me to be 5150’d was because I was taking on so much: managing finances, working stressful jobs, taking care of every bill, keeping a schedule and logistics for everything, and house chores. I realize I cannot add children to that equation. Since we married so young and I’m hyperindeppebdent as a trauma response, husband never really needed to grow up: he went from having his mom do his laundry to me doing them. I got him his first credit card at 28. I showed him how to check the mail boxes for mails. I’m ok with it all but he wants to bring children into the equation. I cannot imagine taking care of another human being. I felt like I finally began to live after quitting my highly highly stressful FAANG job and if we bring a child to this world I am forced to go back and provide for them. I will never be able to live for ME when I finally realized I have the permission to live for myself and no one else. After 6 months of back and forth and bargaining, we decided we will separate today. It hurts like crazy and I’m staring to look for places to move into while we sell our house. I know I’ll be ok but I am so not right now.