u/anhedonicghost

Day whatever. Twenty something.

I can't afford it. I don't care? I'm planning to kill myself anyway. Getting more and more serious.

Relapse would be a very conscious thing. I order online. I have to deposit money, wait a week or two, then I can send it, and then a week later if all went perfectly I have ketamine.

I guess I'm still healing. I hope so.

It's like no matter what I do, life keeps throwing more bullshit on me. And I'm just done with it...? Like can I be done? And just blow it all on narcotics, and a gun and a bullet? I'm sick of life. Just sick of it.

Ketamine took away these thoughts. Oh yeah, it stopped working... I must block that out. Because I keep forgetting, that at the end, it stopped making me feel better...

Well nevermind then. I won't relapse. I was just thinking about it.

I'll still post this. Maybe someone will talk about it? I don't know if that would help. I think I'm lonely... My roommates and my sibling are home, but I don't want to see them... So I don't know why I'm asking for someone to talk to me...

I miss when K fixed it all. This is why I did it, this feeling. It's worse than ever now, of course.

Most of all, I miss when ketamine was a focus. It was the thing I was missing in life, before I decided against my best judgment to learn to buy it online. I knew that couldn't end well, but I thought it would be opioids or something that got me. Not ketamine.

I miss when that was all I needed. I just had to find ketamine, and that was the magic elixir to cure my depression, like nothing else ever could. And it absolutely fucking did, for a while, despite all the sickness and poison from it. Despite the fucking brain damage. It made me happy, made me want to be alive. Made me care. Fixed me.

Now I have nothing.

There is no magic elixir, not even the hope of it. That it could exist somewhere, and all I have to do is find it.

All I have left, it seems, is the wreckage of my life, the ruins of my personality, the tragedy of my existence. The same as it has ever been.

I wish I'd never heard of ketamine. I wish I'd never had that hope. I wish I'd never done it and seen what a life without suicidal thoughts and depression could be like. The contrast to my normal consciousness is excruciating.

-Tommi, for anyone who knows me from KWHOLE. I'm trying to attend more...

About as long as ive gone in a year. And it'll be longer. Because i can only get it online. So im hardset for another two weeks minimum.

Idk what to say. I still want to die. So bad. Trying to taper down off phenibut too now, slowly. Dont want to exacerbate it, but i know I need to stop that too.

I know objectively my life isn't that bad. Im only 35. Have some things going for me. A place to live. Friends to live with. People to talk to. A car. Cats. Two laptops. Things I want.

A job, even if i hate it and it's oppressively hot, like seriously im gonna die next week which im fine with but man what a way to go. Die on my feet at least. But it's inside. They give us gatorade and popsicles and they got a big ice machine. Pays me okay but im in debt from k addiction, and it bores the hell out of me any more. But lots of people hate their jobs and dont want to die.

Maybe ill find the motivation to get professional help again. Or maybe ill just kill myself. Idk.

Probably won't relapse tho. Even if i want it.

It cant help me anymore.

I dont think it ever did.

-Tommi 🩷

Still trying, for now. I think I really will end it soon. When I am able to. The picture of my continued misery becomes clearer, more insistent. I try to ignore it. Focus on the good. Appreciate beauty, be thankful. I am so glad that despite all my pain I am still a good person, I still contribute good to others. I try my best.

I just feel like I'm getting worse, and I can't stop it. Drugs are pointless. Should I just do opioids again or something? I don't think they would help either at this point, if I could afford it. But I feel that pull, like it's the last option. It's not. I should get help. Therapy. New antidepressants they got since I last tried. I don't think I can. Wish someone would set it up for me. Maybe I could ask somebody, I don't know. Hate asking for help. I'm sure anyone reading this relates to that, if nothing else.

I think my physical health is bad. Kidneys hurt all the time. Tired a lot. Diet sucks, can't fix it. Skinny tho. Back keeps bothering me all the time. More and more. Working full time kills me any more. Have to get the money.

I wish I could stop. And try to heal. I don't know how to go about doing that. Would it even help?

I think I'm more likely to end it, sooner or later. I hate it. I don't want to murder this sweet, gentle person who never deserved any of this. I hate it so much. It shouldn't be like this. I don't deserve to kill myself. I don't deserve to have to keep going, either. I just don't fucking deserve this pain and misery. Why does it have to be this way? Where did it all go so wrong?

I can't think straight. I cry all the time. I smile and laugh and it almost means nothing. I don't know why I can't feel it so much any more. It's like my brain has immunized itself to pleasure and meaning. Surely it will swing back the other way, towards the center. It has to. Right? Things like this, of this intensity, they have to burn out sooner or later.

I pray it does. Or I will.

r/depression won't let me post. Mods don't respond. I let them know all about it, don't worry. Might escalate the issue, out of spite more than anything else. Rest assured, I did nothing wrong, broke no rules. That board sucks anyway. Bunch of people even more negative than me with shit moderation, who needs that?

There, i reported them all for abuse. I'm sure it won't do anything, but it makes me feel better.

Doing art for once. Still smoking tiny bits of dmt occasionally. Still dont much enjoy it, not sure if it helps but i dont think it hurts. I do that and my regular background addictions of thc and phenibut, which don't do much these days... Just addicted. Same reason I quit everything. Stops doing much. Not ready to be totally sober ig. That's all rn tho. Cant afford enough lsd to be worth it, dont want alcohol, barely want k and really really can't afford it.

Craving k sometimes. Went to a KWHOLE recovery zoom meeting on Friday. Was really good. Everyone is so sweet and positive. Highly recommend. Need to go more. Just been very depressed and dissociated and it's hard. Schizoid issues too ig.

Idk, im alive. Dont wanna work all week. Who does. Eh.

Stay strong.

Edit: oh yeah! I forgot. A breakthrough. I finally started painting some and drawing and stuff!!! 😊 🌈 💖

-Tommi 🩷

I have a friend who is sick. Well more of an idol. But she says she doesn't have long. Shes about my age. Says she wont see forty. I wish I could give her my years. I don't want them. Life tortures me. I wished I could take my mother's sickness, too. She wouldn't let me, were it possible. But I wished I'd died instead of her. She didnt deserve it. She was happy. Loved life. I hate it. Haven't been happy or at peace since i was a child. I try so hard. I really, really do. It's not enough. I cant give enough. Have less to give now. Life needs more. Not just work and daily life, which i fall short of more and more. But just to relax and enjoy and create. Don't have enough Tommi to do that anymore. Can't focus. Get so irritated and angry and sad and ashamed and afraid.

Lost faith. Lost hope that it will get better. Lose my mind all the time. Staying sober anyway, except weed and phenibut. They barely do anything. Nothing does. Well I play with the dmt I have still. Still don't like it. Just small amounts. Better than nothing. Might help? Eh. Prefer lsd but I cant afford it rn. Or anything, really. And drugs are pointless. Better to just be sober. Anyway. Even if I get better, it would take so long. Ive tried before. Extensively so i know it'd take... years? I can't suffer much more. Need to end it soon. Too much sadness and pain.

Who else? Ive had them since I was like 12-13, i think. Recently im starting to feel more serious about it. Like i really don't want to see next year, don't see the point and cant come up with anything to stick around for.

Do you have them? Did you have them in the past? Is there anything you found that helped?

I think i struggle to find purpose? Something to motivate me to put up with all the perceived crap in my life, all the stuff I have to do and all the despair and boredom. I'm not sure if there's a way to find that, for someone like me.

Yet I know there are schizoids who aren't depressed. I never seem to relate as much to them as the depressive ones.

I've never really tried. Well there was one time that was ambiguous, and I think i did really want it to work, but it wasn't really dangerous what I did. I didnt know that for certain tho. It's silly, really, rather not describe it. It was a long time ago. I wish it had worked. I look back over my life and think, wtf was the point? Why have i put up with being alive for as long as i have?

Why not? Gotta do it sometime. It'll never get better. Tired of going on. December seems as good a time as any. I've got a vague idea of how, but it doesn't matter. I'm smart, I'll figure it out.

I just don't see the point any more. My life is so painful and empty and hopeless.

I don't have the courage to just suddenly do it out of the blue. But maybe if I plan for it, months from now, I can work up the nerve.

I hope I can do it. I don't want another year of my life. I can't imagine anything that would fix it.

I cant fold my laundry anymore. I have so much crap to do and ill be lucky if I get started by noon. Just wanna lay here and listen to ambient music and do nothing. Idk if this is just a depression thing or if other schizoids also struggle to care for themselves and their life. Like I just wanna end it because im sick of having to do shit all the damn time. The anhedonia on top of that makes it worse. Gotta do all this shit and then i dont get a reward because nothing is fun.

I dont know how i keep showing up to work. Im in debt, but hell I could put another five thousand on there. And just end it when it's gone. As if i could ever do that... At least my boss is cute.

I'm the living dead. I'm crazy. I can't kill myself and I cant fix it. Im just undead. It's kinda cool I guess. May as well live in a stupid cringey fantasy about it. If i had the energy and were any good at it id wear goth make up lol. If i had the money id cover myself in weird tattoos like bats and wolves and willow trees and shit. Ahhh I just fucking hate everything ajfhehhebbfjgiisknbrbr kill me.

Off work. Everything sucks. Typical day for me really, when I'm sober. Keep trying to justify getting more, eventually. I know I'll relapse sooner or later. Hopefully later. For now, as long as I can maintain it, I hold the belief that I'm never fucking doing it again still. Should attend meetings, I know. Was considering doing one today. But I cant 😟 I just cant really do anything. My anhedonia has been like this for so long. It's what I used for. It just stopped working and started really, really making everything in my life worse. God i want it. There's no where i can get myself to turn to fix this feeling, I just have to feel fucking depressed now. I dont know how to find any motivation or enjoyment of anything. Yeah... thats my life. Nothing new even.

I've been struggling with caring about things. Especially my job. I used to love it? I'm not sure what happened. Maybe just my ketamine abuse... but what made me have to do that? Was it just a bad decision, with bad effects? I don't know. It seems deeper. I quit, anyway. As of today....

Anyway, I was very late to work on Tuesday. Not for any real reason at all. I just stopped giving a shit. Stopped caring enough to even attempt to get there on time. It was so silly. I just lied and said I overslept. It was so disrespectful to my coworkers. I mean, my job is pretty much always fine about that, nobody had to like cover for me. It's a metal fab shop. Work isn't nuts right now. But it still feels so selfish and disconnected from everyone. People love me. Like people always love me, everywhere. I think it's because I'm a covert schizoid. I've been trying to unmask, and be more open. Feel more, care more. I feel like I have to, for so many reasons.

I love them all, too. They help me. I help them. They are all so cute and silly and fun. I just love them. I hope I can be brave enough to always care this much. I don't want to feel like a big jerk. I don't want to let them down. I want them to be able to look at me with pride and love, and not like they're afraid I'm going to stop showing up or fucking kill myself and they have no idea how to get me to talk about it. I wish I could open up. They all know, it's so obvious. This always happens the longer I'm at a job. People like me, and they notice something is terribly wrong with me, deep down. They hear me talking to myself. Notice the tears in my eyes, or something. Or they hear comments I make when the mask slips and the see how dead inside I am, how lost.

I can still choose to try, though. I can still choose to be good. And not a fucking psychopath. I don't have to identify with the darkness.

Thank you all. I love each of you. Be good to yourselves, and others. No matter what.

Christ. Enough is enough. Doesn't work. Over with. Fuck it. Fuck everything. Why bother? Just be sad. Sad is fine. I'll just go be fucking sad like I was when I decided k would fix me. And it didn't. It made it worse. So here we are. Had to fucking finish it. So stupid. Kill me. Really. Oh well. Good night, friends. Can't drink, can't snort, can't do fucking anything who gives a shit anyway. Pray for death in sleep. Never happens, pray for it anyway. Try to stop me. Wish someone would. Oh fucking well.

Edit, 24 hours later:

I'm still committed to this. I can't keep doing it. I'm sure I'll have setbacks. Like with anything else I quit. This may be much harder. I'm paradoxically grateful for it, too... I think it helped me unmask from my covert schizoid personality disorder, just a bit. I think it helped me realize how transgender I am. But being on it for too long burns up my soul. My anhedonia gets so much worse. My suicidal thoughts get out of control, even as a line will chase them away so instantaneously, like nothing else I've ever tried. I realize now, that's why... that's why it's killing my spirit... I didn't want to see it before... the one thing that works for me.

I'll just quietly go back in my little shell. The way I was without it. What led me to abuse it. I had to try. I had to fucking try to fix my brain with it. I have to accept that it doesn't work, and it never will. I think it did though, briefly, critically. That's what's so difficult about leaving it.

Thank you all again. You are all such angels. I pray for you to have strength and blessings in your own struggles.

I type all this after having fruitlessly scraped my little k-tray. And the jar I kept it in, and the bag, and a pill case I shamefully filled with it and and took to work. I threw the tray away. I got it explicitly for doing ketamine. I should just smash it. If I had any motivation... eh, just like I was before... So it goes.

I've lost all hope. I need help, and I can't get myself to do it. I'm afraid I won't be strong enough to. It's just never worked. I just pray to the creator to help me be strong enough to save myself. It's so fucking hard. I don't want my loved ones to lose me. I don't want to hurt anyone, not even myself. I just can't stand to keep going like this.

just stay inside and kill yourself tommi, it's better this way, just shut up and do ketamine and try to cum and fail again, so cute

at least I opened up? That's what I've been praying for? It was pleasant. I am literally a light in the dark, like I always wanted. Oh well, keep going.

I'm sorry, another rant. Sometimes I ask constructive questions or provide empathy, it balances out.

Yeah?

It's amazing. I still logically know I should kill myself, because when these 14gs are gone, I'll be back to earth, and that hardcore sense of urgency will invade my brain, compelling me to end it.

Nothing else I've done stops the thoughts like that.

It's not even fun anymore.

Nothing is. Alcohol sucks now. LSD is boring. Ig I forgot I hate DMT, lol why did I bother. Only K fixes my suicidal thoughts. And I've gotta quit, I can't afford it, I'm doing it at fucking work, it's destroying my body, etc.

And just be suicidal, I guess...

Well all those thoughts never killed me yet.

Still, it's like being on fire and there's no water, just poison.

It's not supposed to be on the inside of my body.

Everything has been inside out this whole time. That's why nothing makes sense anymore.

Upside down and backwards and inside out.

The air in my lungs shouldn't be there. The life in my eyes should be gone. The sparks in my brain should cease.

I can't do it of course. I don't think I can. I think it would be unconscious, a wild act of self-abandonment. I can see myself doing it, like that, maybe. But even that would take so much strength and focus. I dont have it. I have nothing, am nothing, no one. If i could do that, I could do anything. I cant do anything. I'm pathetic. Broken.

I need euthanasia. Oh God, I pray to you as ever, please pity me begging at your feet, please give me your mercy and end my injured life, I can't continue any longer, I can't go on, please end me...

Where we at?

I often seen things out of the corner of my eye. Mistake shapes. Things in the distance. See things that make sense until the forms resolve.

I disregard my name being called, partially because I hate being yelled at from afar, but also because I sometimes hear it distantly, quietly.

I have weird spiritual ideas that border on delusions. I'm mostly lucid about it. I think.

Yeah. Part of it might be from drugs. Some antidepressants I took made it worse, too. That and the occult, maybe. Or maybe that helps. Idk.

I find it all annoying, but also a bit interesting. My life is so boring, so at least I have chaos like that to keep me company.

I know SzPD can sometimes have these psychotic features, or develop them, so I wanted to ask.

A ____ the back yard and a ____.

Thought keeps coming up.

So hard to feel anything good. Only vaguely happy on ketamine. Alcohol doesn't work any more. I'm sure even k will stop making me feel better too. Shouldn't do it anyway. It's been a couple weeks.

I cant escape my broken personality. If I just had to fix my circumstances, that might be manageable. But it's me. My impaired capacity for joy and connection. I pray for these things, constantly.

I don't want to hurt anyone. I know how it feels to lose someone. I know how it feels to lose them to suicide.

That ____...

I don't think I have the courage to do it anyway. All I ever do in life is complain.

Edit: Took another look this morning. I don't think it'd work anyway. Trying my best not to outline exactly what I'm thinking about. Don't wanna be an inspiration, so to speak. But I gotta let it out.

I'm not sure what else to say. It's so exhausting. Painful. Changes me.