Mom is acting like she’s baby’s mom and is making me wildly uncomfortable -4 months pp (long rant/ help)
My mother is completely overstepping her role as Grandma. She acts as though she has the same permissions as a parent and assumes she can do whatever she likes and does not respect my boundaries.
This is my first baby and the first grandbaby ever.
I’m not great at standing up for myself or telling people ‘no’. Especially, because I know my mom just loves the baby, and is expressing that, it makes it harder to tell her off. Each individual action isn’t too bad, but it’s a very cumulative effect.
Main examples:
- when early postpartum and learning to breastfeed, I would leave the room. Mom kept insisting that it was fine, I wouldn’t be judged, I could feed anywhere and she didn’t see breasts as sexual. I had to tell her several times that *I* was not comfortable with it.
- Following me into other rooms while breastfeeding and asking to look at baby
- Touching or kissing baby’s feet and hands while breastfeeding
- Constantly hovering behind, and touching baby, no matter who is holding her
- Playing with baby during diaper changes (I snapped at her during this and she stopped)
- Constantly stroking baby as I am trying to do something. My hands knock into hers as I adjust clothes, clips, harness etc.
- Coming into my bubble to kiss baby sleeping on my chest. Right in my cleavage and her glasses hit my face
- Told her one time that baby had a long night so she express shipped a book on fussy babies
- Texting excessively and panicking if I don’t answer
- Deeply sniffing baby
- Making comments that ‘baby fits perfectly on me’ ‘it’s like she was made for me’
- Almost calling herself mama, ‘come to ma- nana!’
- Hugging fussy baby before giving her back when I asked for her
- Keeps drawing attention to fact she used to have babies “aw, I’m not even holding her and I’m still swaying! i guess you never lose it!” (says this all the time)
- I allowed kissing and she is CONSTANTLY kissing her. All the time. Literally, 20 times in an hour visit. It’s icky.
- Brother held baby when I left the room. She fussed and mom praised herself for not taking the baby, and only helping brother readjust. Why would you take baby, unless he asked? You’re not her mom??
- empathy-bombs me, pushing me to admit how hard it is because she has a need to be the supporter
- taking away from my ftm experience. She got to do this several times already, I want to figure it out myself!
- guilts me if I try to take a single weekend off from visiting and sends sad faces and texts when she is missing baby
The final straw was when my aunt was visiting. I didn’t want to embarrass her so didn’t say anything, but am kicking myself now.
Baby hasn’t had her first roll yet and was wiggling in the direction mom was facing. Mom went on to say, “oh, if you roll to me, I will be soo happy! I would lord it over your mom FOREVER. Yes, I would!” She went on for several mins about this.
Then, she was saying, “I chose Nana because it’s easier to say than Grandma (dad’s side). So, when we ask who the favourite is, you’ll say Nana!”
I thought those two things were absolutely wild to say and am still shocked.
As one-offs, none of these things bother me. My brother has touched baby’s toes during a feed. Other Grandma has said baby smells good. Etc etc. But every visit, my mom does ALL of these the ENTIRE time.
I don’t want to visit my mom anymore. I am constantly positioning myself away from her, barely let her hold her, cover baby up. When I feed baby, I am now confident enough to feed in public. But when I go visit mom, I have to lock myself in another room on another floor because mom is so invasive.
When I was freshly post-partum, I thought I just had raging mama-bear hormones. But over the weeks, I’ve slowly put my finger on why she bugs me so much. She acts as though she has the same permission as me. Like, she has the same access to baby as me.
She cannot watch and enjoy baby from afar. She is always right beside whoever has her and is constantly touching her. She inserts herself into every moment, no matter how intimate. I feel like I am in a competition with her every time I visit.
We are 4-months post-partum now, and I have absolutely had it. I haven’t seen mom since the “roll to Nana!” thing, but I am psyching myself up to start setting firmer boundaries. I’m making little scripts.
The first is the kissing, because it genuinely gives me ick. When she gives an extra kiss, I am planning to say, “We’re going to start having just one kiss for hellos and goodbyes!”.
If she says, “I can’t help it!”, if I’m feeling sassy, I’ll say, “yes, you can!”.
I’m also practicing in the mirror saying, “I’ve got her!” for when mom hovers or touches.
I need help with more ‘lines’ though! I need help coming up with easy to say boundaries that I can have ready to go, so I’m not on the spot.
I do not want to ever leave baby alone with mom, even when older, because I don’t think she would respect my role as mom. I think she’d take ‘firsts’ for herself and steamroll any boundary. So, I need to nip this NOW.
I am having trouble because my mom had a lot of kids. My dad worked a lot. She had no ‘village’ and had a rough post-partum. So, I know she is giving me some of the support she wishes she had. I know she just loves the baby and is expressing her affection, and it’s not coming from malicious intent. I am also worried to damage our own relationship.
But, also, I am TIRED of being uncomfortable, so SHE can be comfortable. Time to turn the tables.
Help pump me up!