u/bagashit

I don’t have a support system, I don’t have much privacy - me and my mom have to share a bed because my room was used as storage before I moved back in and we’re still clearing it, my moms agoraphobic so she doesn’t leave the house and I don’t exactly get out much either... im technically agoraphobic but don’t see myself that way

(long story short, I have an important surgery coming up, the reason for the surgery was one of the main reasons I stopped going outside, there was some trauma reasons too but mostly it was the need for surgery so I won’t have to worry about that anymore once I’m post op and I will be able to go out in the future - though I’m broke so won’t be able to do much other than loiter around and go home)

Obviously I have more awkward/ different circumstances to a lot of people but I’m curious how other people regulate their nervous system when they have no one to turn to, still live at home or don’t have anywhere to go? Or just in general no matter your circumstances

Meditation doesn’t really work for me anymore but I still try. The only thing that keeps me slightly grounded or gives me any sense of joy or slight peace, is my Pinterest folders I’ve made, decorating my dream space (whether that’s finally having my own bedroom, apartment or an imaginary dream home)

it gives me dopamine and I like to imagine it even if it feels impossible.

Tw:drug/alcohol talk I guess

I’m trying to avoid substances/drinking. It’s so tempting. I feel like that’s the only thing that’d cut it at this point but I’m wanna avoid it because I have an addictive personality.

I’m also curious if there any ways, such as advanced nervous system regulation techniques for cptsd ect that can help Because even if I ‘snuggle up with a blanket and watch tv’ or any relaxing activities, I still ache to my bones from stress and I’m still dissociating.

I think maybe I’m just coping because I know what I need (friends, touch, to get away from this house, be able to finally crumble around someone and relax) and I can’t get it and there is no way to replace anything that’s needed for human survival but I just wonder if there’s anyway to make any of this actually more bearable. There’s got to be because I remember being able to feel calm sometimes as a kid despite it all but I feel like I’m not capable of that anymore.. idk

Yesterday i had an argument with my mother about her enmeshment and constant inappropriate sexual questions. Im not gonna get into all of that because im still processing it but it got me thinking about how, Growing up, my parents would control me, shame me, tell me i wasnt allowed friendships or relationships and if i had them theyd say they were brain washing me and taking me away from them, yknow the usual.

..but then now im an adult, despite still trying to control me, theyve "stepped back" because they still think im a virgin in my 20s because of them and that means theyve done their job

(even if i tell them things like, i dont tell you everything because im trying to keep you at arms length, theyll still tell me they actually know all my secrets and that i have a sextoy or something and didnt wanna tell me they knew just to try and fuck with my head and tell me that ultimately i have nowhere to hide but still. The sentiment that theyve done their job is still there. That im miserable and friendless at nearly 30 and now im ready to be in the world in their opinion even though they still tell me they see me as a mentally challenged toddler)

My mom is still obsessive and controlling in the ways she was before but now she has new behaviours of trying to force me into friendships and relationships with every person i have an interaction with and she gets really creepy and voyeuristic about it as if shes excited to finally unlock and see a vulnerable part of me she didnt have access to before and didnt let her step foot into before. It somewhat reminds me of when i told my mom im getting my boobs removed (something ive wanted since i was 11) and she starts rubbing her hands together like a fly practically licking her lips while she asks me if ill be emotional and cry after and basically writing a play about how she imagines the whole thing. She asks me in such a weird and unnecessary way like she wants to watch me, like shes playing dolls or that my journey is her journey. I just know if i got into a friendship or relationship and she found out about it and "supported it" while similtaniously disapproving she will have, in her mind, the benefit of controlling and bitching and pushing them away and the benefit of "being supportive" and trying to insert herself into my life and my relationship, control me and drain me of a new life energy (happiness) shes never witnessed me having before/new vulnerabilities and she then thinks she gets to ask me all sorts of new intimate or sexual questions. If that makes sense.

But yeah she wants to colonise and live inside my misery and my happiness because its all hers to control

Has anyone else experienced this?

Sorry if the post is all over the place, i get abit scattered when im stressed thinking about things.

I wanted to order it when it was available on Amazon but I didn’t have the money then, but now I do, it hasn’t been available anywhere for weeks probably longer, I’m worried I missed my chance because I wanted to get one for myself and one for a Christmas gift

I have notifications on my emails but I’ve not gotten anything at all and it’s making me nervous

I was watching a news interview earlier about the recent ohio case and they mentioned the turpin family and they said "there was this cadence about all of those children that was very present when they were first rescued. You could hear that there was a different cadence, almost like their own language that you could visibly hear when you spoke to them"

And i believe, i have that. I always just called it a speech impedement even though its not because idk what else to call it. Does anyone else have or have had this?

I was starting to type out my whole life story in relation to this specifically but realised how hard it is to explain especially when you get good at mimicing but still arent speaking naturally (i feel i have to specify here that im not neurodivergent outside of ocd as i dont want anyone trying to tell me this or that about my own experiences)

But for me personally i try to watch vocal exercise/rehab videos/how to relax videos.. i know realistically alot of them wont help and ill probably need something specialized but im trying to figure it out on my own

When i hopefully recover from my agoraphobia, i hope i can socialise enough that talking comes more naturally in more ways than one.

basically i was held hostage in my house most of my life + was malnourished and extremely pale, and now im agoraphobic (unrelated reasons) i havent left my house, apart from a small handful of times in the past 10+ years and even then im completely covered including with a face mask due to having a compromised immune system/ medically unable to get the covid vaccine.

Im no where near at the end of my recovery but eventually when im out and about again, i dont want to look sickly..i want to look like everyone else and not be reminded of my past or stick out in a group/in regular life. I just want to look healthy.

Im tired of glowing in the dark 🙏😭

i have thought about tanning but im scared of skin cancer if i do too much too quickly on practically virgin skin.. +idk anything about tanning anyway...

Im curious how long it took for you guys to get your skin colour back or if you did anything to help it

This will probably be an extremely long shot trying to find this person...but ill try to give as much information as i can remember

I found this woman on instagram a while back, i remember she was in her 40s-50s+ maybe, light skinned, Shoulder length hair, i cant remember her race but i think she was white, i think she sometimes wore glasses im not sure. in alot of her videos, she would sit on (i think a wooden) chair against the wall with a spotlight on her like she was in a theatre, her full body in frame. it stuck out to me because content creators dont tend to film like this in such a grounded way, it didnt feel like she was using influencer lights either, i remember her videos were very visually dark but well lit, reminded me alot of early youtube and how theyd use a proper camera with a view finder than just filming on a phone. she wore a black tank top and red lipstick. Most of her videos were her at this chair, some of her videos by a book shelf or at a round table, she usually used red font on her videos.

She is not nonsensespirituality, thecaitawakening, hopewithholly or montemader

she stuck out to me as she spoke about christianity and/or catholicism in a way id never heard someone speak about it. She spoke about the rapture and how religions use fear and punishment, shame to control and how christianity is based on fear ect which is kinda vague i know, many people cover that but she wrote thesis or essays on it in a way id not heard explored before, i just cant remember anymore to be able to explain why it stuck out to me as much as it did 🥲.

Tbh the way she spoke about it was both in a academic scholarship, psychological and impact on society sense.. (thats probably definitely the wrong term but im not familiar with every category to describe it) but she wasnt giving people alternative routes to deconstruct christianity, she was just studying it

She once spoke about hell in a video, something about shame (and fear maybe) but more specifically gore in religion then was breaking it down as she delved further into what she was talking about. All i remember was she said "take the words eternal. damnation." "doesnt sound very nice does it?" :/ Ive literally been looking for her videos for a few years now because i wanted to read her essays, i could have sworn i saved her videos but cant find her anywhere. I know im being extremely vague but hopefully someone might know who im talking about.. i think she also might have been a psychologist or studied it but dont quote me on that. I know there are literally millions of creators out there so shes most likely lost to the void

Edit; I remembered that she also spoke about the concept of original sin/forever trying to pay for the sin

So.. im kinda working with very little information here but it was a fairly simple black and white art style from what i remember. Could have had splashes of colour in parts or more writing over collaged images but not sure if im mixing two comics together.

The topic was about making art and wasted potential and giving up on dreams, being unable to move or do what youve always dreamed of. Idk.. i barely remember how to describe it but i was watching reels with these topics and i know it was about the same thing so its probably better to describe it through that..

The reel topics:

"How it feels to be depressed and lose interest in everything but youre also restless but you also dont wanna do anything or be near anyone" "i worry i used to think more interesting thoughts than the ones i do now" "if i dont do anything my potential is unlimited"

Possibly mentioning dissociation and thinking youd be in a different place as an adult?

It was covering similar topics, it was 20 slides, 1-2 small paragraphs per page, it was so hyper specific and i could have sworn i saved it to download/screenshot later and its gone. I saw it about 2 to 4 days ago. Not sure when it was posted but im gonna assume late june early july.

I just remember reading it and it was so hyperspecific, and put things into words ive not been able to, so it would be greatly appreciated if anyone can find it

Sorry i dont have more info i just remember focusing on the writing more than anything but the writing was too specific to remember certain lines so i could recite it 🤬, i just remember sending it to myself because it really got to me and i wanted to come back to it later.

Okay so i (24f) have amelogenesis imperfecta, i have a punch of pits and dents in my front teeth and my dentist finally gave me composite bonding but i think she did a sloppy/rushed job. One tooth is longer than the other, i can see the edges of the bonding and places she missed, white wiggly lines from buffing + she got bonding on teeth that didnt even need bonding and its not the right shade, its way too yellow... 😔 and as soon as i left i noticed white parts forming. According to google the white patch can be air pockets which is what i was most afraid of. I have another appointment in 6months. It takes months to get appointments at my dentist. Is there any way to take care of my teeth until then?

Edit: just brushed my teeth and i can feel moisture under them..