u/batsdontwearhats

So I’m autistic and have a hard time reading people and understanding why they behave how they do. Before you even say it, I know the silent treatment is wrong. TRUST! Lol. I wouldn’t go as far as to say it’s emotionally abusive unless there’s a manipulative aspect to it tho, and I’ve found that a lot of the time when people do that to me it’s because I’ve actually upset them somehow. They still needed space and didn’t communicate that, which is also wrong- but where I’m going with that is basically saying I’m pretty sure I’m in that situation right now.

So a couple months ago me and this guy that I’ve had something with for years now (not officially dating tho, which adds another layer of confusing nuance) finally worked out some issues we were having. In part, a lot of the issues were to do with my mental health. Anyway, he had promised me that he essentially wouldn’t disappear for months at a time like he had in the past ever again. This was in September of last year that he told me this, and had been good at being consistent until early this year.
Anyway, that didn’t last long because he was doing some questionable things that ended up triggering me- and I totally snapped at him and went backwards w bpd emotional regulation. After I snapped at him in late February/early March ish he started disappearing again. I’m pretty sure he’s doing it on purpose too, as he literally apologized for ignoring/pushing me away after one of our friends noticed he was being a dick. Said it’s a trauma thing and he didn’t like being accused of lying so he just shut down instead of facing the wind (so to speak).

Now he’s doing it again and I don’t really know why??? He says that I haven’t done anything wrong and that him and I are good. That he needs space.
When I’ve vented about the specifics to other people, their responses range from “he’s using you for sex” to “he’s just like that with everyone don’t take it personally” then back to “he’s not into you anymore” to even “it sounds like he’s talking to someone else”
I’d love to be able to talk to him about it but he’s not giving me the opportunity to. We do have a talk coming up soon, something about boundaries, and hopefully this will give me the chance to communicate these feelings of abandonment I’m experiencing.

Before you even say it, I know the silent treatment is wrong. TRUST! Lol. I wouldn’t go as far as to say it’s emotionally abusive unless there’s a manipulative aspect to it tho, and I’ve found that a lot of the time when people do that to me it’s because I’ve actually upset them somehow. They still needed space and didn’t communicate that, which is also wrong- but where I’m going with that is basically saying I’m pretty sure I’m in that situation right now.

So a couple months ago me and this guy that I’ve had something with for years now (not officially dating tho, which adds another layer of confusing nuance) finally worked out some issues we were having. In part, a lot of the issues were to do with my mental health. Anyway, he had promised me that he essentially wouldn’t disappear for months at a time like he had in the past ever again. This was in September of last year that he told me this, and had been good at being consistent until early this year.
Anyway, that didn’t last long because he was doing some questionable things that ended up triggering me- and I totally snapped at him and went backwards w bpd emotional regulation. After I snapped at him in late February/early March ish he started disappearing again. I’m pretty sure he’s doing it on purpose too, as he literally apologized for ignoring/pushing me away after one of our friends noticed he was being a dick. Said it’s a trauma thing and he didn’t like being accused of lying so he just shut down instead of facing the wind (so to speak).

Now he’s doing it again and I don’t really know why??? He says that I haven’t done anything wrong and that him and I are good. That he needs space.
When I’ve vented about the specifics to other people, their responses range from “he’s using you for sex” to “he’s just like that with everyone don’t take it personally” then back to “he’s not into you anymore” to even “it sounds like he’s talking to someone else”
I’d love to be able to talk to him about it but he’s not giving me the opportunity to. We do have a talk coming up soon, something about boundaries, and hopefully this will give me the chance to communicate these feelings of abandonment I’m having.

This has been really hard on my mental health and I’m really struggling to pull myself out of limerence, paranoia, obsession, etc… because I know it won’t solve anything. It’s just my brain seeking control where there is none right now. So what do I do to stop my mind from racing in the meantime?? How do I communicate about this in a healthy way when the time comes???

I’m an artist, and I used to use Pinterest for random images I could use in a digital collage. It used to be something where you could look up a specific vibe you were going for, and it would show you actual relevant posts to your search. Now it’s just ai slop and ads selling things

It’s gotten to the point where I can’t use Pinterest. It’s ruined for me. Is there a way to turn this off? Or anything in settings to reduce the constant bombardment?

The individual I’m about to describe is likely predatory at the very least, and I do not want any interaction with them - but at the same time I feel like maybe I could step in one last time to make that absolutely clear. I’ve also heard that you’re never supposed to interact with a stalker, as that can make things worse tho.

This started about around the end of April-ish when I rejected a guy on Instagram who I had thought I was platonically sharing poetry feedback with. When I said no and that I have something in the works with another person, he did NOT take it well. Insisted that I was leading him on, that he knows be better than anyone else and possibly even myself, contacting me multiple times across several platforms despite me consistently blocking, and the reason I blocked him was because he had sent me a poem (post rejection) stating that if he can’t have me then he can have his revenge. Mind you, I do not know this person and have never met them. I couldn’t even tell you their name.

As of right now, this person has an anonymous burner account where he posts about me and tries to get my attention. Sometimes shamelessly in a sexual manner (we have never interacted this way before). He tries to get others to pass along messages to me, and even some people who don’t even like me whatsoever have now jumped in to defend me from this creep. He tries to get them to give me messages too!!!
He had initially tagged me in a public post where he displayed a lengthy conversation with what he claimed was “an autistic woman who knows how to handle a difficult subject” or whatever.

To say this is not normal behavior for a healthy adult is a huge understatement, but at the same time someone is clearly struggling in part because of me. This is the second time someone has developed a parasocial obsession. The first time was pretty devastating because multiple women reached out to me saying that it ruined their relationships. What do I keep doing wrong? Is it the fact that I’m extending too much empathy? Give an inch and they take a mile type situation? Or could it be the kernel of truth in that crazy guy’s rants: because I’m autistic and female. Likely seen as an easy topic or something to idealize (think manic pixie dream girl)

I struggle with limerence & anxious attachment so to a point I can understand how things develop into obsession. While I’ve obviously never gone as far as these people, I still feel sympathy towards them.

So this train of thought came to me pretty randomly, but I think it’s a mental rabbit hole I may have needed. Maybe you do too? (22f w comorbid autism)

Somebody sent me an anonymous question recently and it really wasn’t that fucking deep 😅 just got me thinking. They basically asked how it feels to have a bunch of people simp over me. REALLY wanted to share my response here so let me know if it resonates:

“It's honestly something that I was programmed to "need" in order to feel self worth.

Working on getting out of the pattern of constantly obsessing over how much reassurance I'll be rewarded for sex appeal. It's the one thing that hasn't failed me yet, or rather the one thing people generally like about me
I lied when I said the act wasn't intentional... even if I don't like it, it feels like if I'm not desired then I'm nothing
If I'm not serving c\/nt then I'm not real.”

There’s so much I’d love to add but I’m trying to make this a brief discussion question lmao.

***For the record, sex appeal is specifically referring to attractiveness. Also I’m not sleeping around or anything & actually have strong opinions against casual intercourse. I had the promiscuity symptom when I was much younger and it’s kinda what got me into this mess. It’s the end result of that imo .

This post is about denying that autism is a disability. Heated subject I know, and it’s probably not gonna help that I have a rather controversial take I’m about to express. Also don’t take this post as me saying I hate autism or anything associated with it. I just fucking hate being autistic. Due to the fact of it being a disability whether you like it or not, it’s robbed me of a normal life. I openly admit that I want to die because I am autistic and I don’t think it isn’t a valid opinion.

This isn’t just because of external factors like society as many may claim. People forget that autism goes beyond our social deficits. Even if society miraculously changed overnight to be inclusive and accessible for everyone, we would STILL struggle. Sensory processing, communication barriers, the many comorbidities that typically come along with autism, any life changes becoming a crisis, struggling to feed ourselves because of issues with nutrition, and that’s just a few I could think of off the top of my head. I’m not going to speak on the struggles of levels 2 or 3 because I don’t have that lived experience, but I imagine their struggles would still be severe as well. Denying this is ableism.

I want to point out that social deficits would still impact us in a hypothetical all inclusive society as well. I mentioned the communication barrier earlier, and this would still persist because it’s more complex than made out to be. I’m not exactly sure how to put to words what it feels like from the inside, so I’m going to quote the DSM-5 here with the first three criteria that you ABSOLUTELY have to meet to be considered autistic.

“

CRITERION A: Are there persistent deficits in social communication and social interaction across multiple contexts, not accounted for by general developmental delays, and manifest by ALL THREE of the following:

1. Deficits in social-emotional reciprocity, ranging, for example, from abnormal social approach and failure of normal back-and-forth conversation; to reduced sharing of interests, emotions, or affect; to failure to initiate or respond to social interactions
2. Deficits in nonverbal communicative behaviors used for social interaction, ranging, for example, from poorly integrated verbal and nonverbal communication; to abnormalities in eye contact and body-language or deficits in understanding and use of gestures; to a total lack of facial expression and nonverbal communication
3. Deficits in developing, maintaining, and understanding relationships, ranging, for example, from difficulties adjusting behaviour to suit various social contexts; to difficulties in sharing imaginative play or in making friends; to absence of interest in peers
4. “

So as you can see, it’s more than just being socially awkward or from lack of understanding from others. A lot of the time WE are the ones who don’t understand and it’s hard to express these things especially if you happen to be non verbal. People might not always know when we need help even if they want to, and in my experience I often don’t even know when I need help either. It’s the lack of being able to identify an emotional state which ALSO often comes with autism.

Idk just something I needed to write out before I doom spiraled into my anger on the subject. What are your thoughts??

EDIT::: I forgot to mention that I can’t work, drive, or be out for very long unless it’s a comfortable and familiar place. I still wouldn’t be much help in this hypothetical society!!!

I fucked up pretty majorly with a friend who is clearly experiencing a relapse but not wanting to say it outright. Basically what happened was he’s been acting suspicious for MONTHS and this last Saturday he got super fucked up at a show we were both volunteering at. There’s a separate room in the back for staff, volunteer, the band, etc that’s closed off to everyone else. I just had a feeling something was gonna go down so I pretended to not feel good and fall asleep on the couch in this back room. Pretty much just as I was worried about, my friend came in thinking I was sleeping and did some kind of pill right in front of me. Not sure what I was expecting but not THAT. ((((Obviously looking back I know this isn’t how I should have gone about that so you don’t need to tell me. It was a mistake but I was terrified of loosing another loved one to stupid fucking substances, you know?))))

He didn’t tell me what he took and I did not force him to. In fact, he told me it would be better to drop the subject and not talk about it at all. So right now I’m at a place where I’m not really sure what to do to help. I’m not the kind of person that can just act like everything is okay when something is clearly hurting my friend. It’s not really my business tho in the end….

It’s so heartbreaking because literally this February he was talking about how he was trying to abstain from anything addictive and that he wasn’t touching substances anymore. It unfortunately didn’t seem to last long but I also know how this goes. Recovery isn’t a straight and narrow path. Question is, how can I help them walk it without throwing them off course???? I’ve been shut off now from even mentioning it so how do I show up with my actions instead???

How do you fall in love? This is a comorbity post! Autistic and borderline personality disorder(22f) +adhd and other shit

Currently laying here blushing, warm tingly skin and everything. I might be on one of my positive splits (which is a borderline thing), and I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing but I’m learning to see middle ground. It’s crazy how much a little bit of hope can change your life? (And getting rid of an ableist, racist, rapist, abuser dopehead ex). It’s crazy how one person can inspire a major shift for the better. He stuck with me for three years, two of those waiting until I was ready for sex.
I know that people with borderline/autism/adhd generally have lower base level oxytocin so it can be hard for us to connect with people on top of social difficulties + relationship issues of BPD. He’s been so patient….and I want to try to write this all down for the next time I split. We have opposite attachment styles (I’m anxious, he’s avoidant) and if you look on my page you can additionally find me being paranoid as shit about him too 😅 impressive how someone is capable of handling it. Perhaps on both ends tho???

I’m not capable of feeling euphoria. However, love is the closest I can get. I don’t think he knows I love him tho, I’ve been trying to not directly say it cuz he’s avoidant. Or maybe it’s less of a love thing or more of one of those emotional highs I mentioned? I’m having a hard time deciphering these emotions. Super autistic struggle thrown into the mix lol. Tonight he kept glancing at me for longer than he needed to, to which I usually made myself make eye contact and smirking. Good unspoken conversation??? I wonder what my body language was subconsciously saying hehe 🤭

Anyway, just wanted to document this for myself for future reference. Just because I don’t experience happiness as intensely as my other emotions (which are extreme) doesn’t mean it’s impossible. Stop thinking in absolutes!!!!

Edit: I’m not in love with my ex lol idk how ppl are getting that. ALSO by positive split I mean idealizing

How do you fall in love? This is a comorbity post! Autistic and borderline personality disorder(22f) +adhd and other shit

Currently laying here blushing, warm tingly skin and everything. I might be on one of my positive splits (which is a borderline thing), and I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing but I’m learning to see middle ground. It’s crazy how much a little bit of hope can change your life? (And getting rid of an ableist, racist, rapist, abuser dopehead ex). It’s crazy how one person can inspire a major shift for the better. He stuck with me for three years, two of those waiting until I was ready for sex.
I know that people with borderline/autism/adhd generally have lower base level oxytocin so it can be hard for us to connect with people on top of social difficulties + relationship issues of BPD. He’s been so patient….and I want to try to write this all down for the next time I split. We have opposite attachment styles (I’m anxious, he’s avoidant) and if you look on my page you can additionally find me being paranoid as shit about him too 😅 impressive how someone is capable of handling it. Perhaps on both ends tho???

I’m not capable of feeling euphoria. However, love is the closest I can get. I don’t think he knows I love him tho, I’ve been trying to not directly say it cuz he’s avoidant. Or maybe it’s less of a love thing or more of one of those emotional highs I mentioned? I’m having a hard time deciphering these emotions. Super autistic struggle thrown into the mix lol. Tonight he kept glancing at me for longer than he needed to, to which I usually made myself make eye contact and smirking. Good unspoken conversation??? I wonder what my body language was subconsciously saying hehe 🤭

Anyway, just wanted to document this for myself for future reference. Just because I don’t experience happiness as intensely as my other emotions (which are extreme) doesn’t mean it’s impossible. Stop thinking in absolutes!!!!

Edit: I’m not in love with my ex lol idk how ppl are getting that. ALSO by positive split I mean idealizing

I have some pretty strong opinions on this but they are coming from my personal experience. It’s probably not a black and white thing.

I was groomed a lot as a teenager and when I became an adult I spent the ages of 18/19 hooking up because it gave me a false sense of control/agency. Turns out that was a maladaptive coping mechanism and didn’t give me any agency, the opposite actually. I’m 22 (turning 23 this year) and I now wholeheartedly believe hookup culture ruins intimacy, healthy bonding, and spreads germs.

It’s not just an aversion to casual encounters tho, I just wanted to offer an example. This was the final turning point that made me disgusted by the idea of sex. Honestly, I feel like I may have made my trauma worse by doing what I did. Gave myself new triggers that makes the act itself harder to this day, even tho it’s never casual. Does that make any sense?

So yeah, that was the start of my aversion. It hasn’t been any less stubborn since

Abandonment triggers have been kicking the ever loving shit out of me recently. I’m not sure that I can go into detail about what’s been going on here without setting myself off again, so I won’t. However, it’s been reaaaaaallly fucking tempting to ruin my progress and put a certain individual right.

Considered letting it all burst, not taking my meds, and letting people have what they technically fucking asked for... but the rational part of me says that will only backfire onto myself and not vindicate anything. Plus, I know that bpd rage isn’t ME and when it eventually stops I will be heartbroken and probably ACTUALLY end up fully abandoned. That won’t be happening if my impulse control can hold out 😅

I was like “It’s almost May (bpd month) and just in time for my bpd to be fucking with me. You guys are potentially about to become REAL aware during this awareness month”

^This was a vent post I made earlier today