u/blankrecords

Edit: I’ve found a more appropriate title: Musings over the negative expression of the sx-instinct.

I didn’t know what to title this. I attempted to avoid making it sx-4 coded and have failed miserably.

I heard that your dominant instinct is where your focus commonly lies, and therefore is more so a source of overthinking/insecurity/anxiety over immediate mastery.

Having an instinct as dominant ≠ being good at it. That means it could actively terrify you, and still be your dominant instinct (SX-dominants with volatile attachment styles, I’m speaking to you).

Hence for example, social anxiety can point to SO- dominance, binge eating to SP, and restlessness in romantic relationships to SX.

Now about SX, what about the extreme opposite end of wanting? the hyper-opposite of actively chasing chemistry, of scanning for a spark to fulfil your blazing fantasy. So stern abstinence. Vigilant asceticism.

What distinguishes this from an SX-blind prude is the why behind it, which is still SX in nature; insecurity over being looked at with revulsion over desire once bare, or perhaps even a reaction to domineering religious/cultural restraints (if I can’t have my specific desired fantasy due to moral restraints, I won’t have anything at all- and God better see my temperance and reward me with what fucking I want/j).

Sexual instinct ≠ willpower.

Are there any SX-dominants here who have experienced this frustrating yet deliberate ‘repression’?.

(and to non prude SX-blinds; I see you. I’m well aware that not all SX-blinds are prudes, but all prudes are most definitely SX-blind).

Edit: While I’m not loyal to any particular enneagram author, I would say my understanding of the sexual instinct aligns with John Lukovich’s; where I state complete rejection of pursuing over not being able to have what I want is especially his idea of repulsion.

Looking to know what you think my tritype is specifically!

1. What are your views on the good things in life? Do they happen naturally, or do you have to create them yourself? How do they manifest into reality?
I think the ‘good’ things in life depend on our perception. Someone who can appreciate the small, simple things may perceive more good things in life than someone who has set standards for what it means for something to be good. We are not all fulfilled or satisfied by the same things.
I believe we attract or create the good things in life ourselves, since such a concept is pretty subjective to each individual. They manifest in reality through our decisions, even through something such as being in the right place in the right time because you chose to go out that day with no necessary purpose.

2. What are your views on the bad things in life?
What are the reasons they happen? How much control do you really have over such matters?
There is a spectrum of what makes up bad things in life. Some simply bear the rotten fruits of our own personal deficiencies and vices. However things is outside of our being that could not have been prevented under any circumstance (I.e natural disasters, a sudden death of a family member/friend) are not our fault. What matters next is how we react to them, what we choose to do with the reminders of this capricious life . I am religious so I believe that the bad things can occur as a way to erase our sins, or for character development and to remind us of and bring us closer to God as our safety net. That isn’t to say God is a mere safety net; it is our deficiency that we may tend to react to Him as such.

3. How attached are you to your emotions? How often do you express them to others? What even is the purpose of such feelings? And what are the biases that impede your judgements
I’m unfortunately helplessly attached to my negative emotions. My guilt and shame, pessimism. They feel like the truth so there’s no point in denying them, so I embrace them. I often dwell in them so as to show God my suffering and hope for forgiveness and good things. Nonetheless I hate being witnessed in these often and pathetic spirals as they are always accompanied by tears and I prefer to ruminate in private. Should somebody I know witness me, my shame will immediately turn into frustration and hate concentrated at that person. I am volatile in this sense. I will have an urge to be mean to make them hate me which gives me relief because at least they do not pity me. I can preemptively gauge the reactions to my actions, so I know how to make different individuals hate me, and how much of my negativity they can take without my losing their affection in the long run. It’s very calculated. Anyways this reaction from me is rare as so far I only react to 3 people in this way. I feel pretty safe to be emotional on my own even when in public where nobody knows me and hence won’t approach or bother me, or infront of benign individuals who I feel are not able to understand and so won’t be bothered by, pity or negatively judge my spiralling . I don’t feel the need to be expressive or suppress myself for the sake of others, but acting appropriately for the sake of opportunities comes naturally to me. The biases that impede my judgement are that I believe nobody is capable of understanding me and that others lack the capacity to be perfectly receptive to me and so are boring for me specifically- it is subjective.

4. What do you want in life? Are they achievable? If people and obstacles are in your way, what would you do then? With resources being limited, is it ok to acquire essential needs by denying them to someone else?
What I want in life is a partner who is my type who finds me attractive despite my flaws and is sexually receptive to me because I think sexual receptivity can translate to emotional and intellectual receptivity because you need to be completely on the same wavelength with someone to have chemistry worth something. Then again I have disorganised attachment style, so receive that information however you will. What I shall do with obstacles really depends on what the obstacles are. As a religious person I think that nothing is an obstacle except that which God has ordained and is it really an obstacle if He has ordained it or are my priorities incorrect?. I would not acquire the essential needs if I think that is the moral thing to do is to sacrifice it for another. I believe in the concept that God provides opportunities for sustenance and abundance in compensation, even in the abstract sense, so I don’t have an issue.

5. Are people inherently good or bad? Or is it neither? What do you believe when it comes to moral goodness? What duties do we all have as individuals? Do we owe anything to each other by default?
I believe people are born good but then they grow up in this individualistic world to become selfish and ego-driven. Myself included; I believe it is our individual duty to become metacognitive and quit making excuses for our vices, and try to be as objective as possible when it comes to morality. My (albeit skeptical) mantra is that we are not our thoughts but what we do. By default I believe think we owe fairness and respect to each other.

6. Are you extroverted or introverted? If you're ambiverted, when do you lean on each side?
What excites you? What drains your energy?
How do you feel alive when plagued by boredom and the mundane?
I am most definitely introverted, however I don’t mind social settings and can enjoy discovering and exploring people, just to see if they have anything that interests me. If they don’t, I smoothly end the conversation and exit myself from there, politely making it clear that I’m disengaging. If I sense that somebody is receptive, I love teaching them my interests which are scientific in nature, I could yap for ages about them- and discussing ambition. I enjoy talking with people who don’t shy away from commonly taboo topics, such as preferred sexual dynamics, as I think such topics reveals a lot about a person; taboos are obviously a conversation I can have with everyone, nor do I want to have it with every person. I like covertly flirting. Talking about just about anything else drains me. When plagued by boredom and the mundane I tend to fantasise and explore the depths of blazing pleasure I can give myself.

7. What people/values/things do you hold dear to yourself? How do you prevent yourself from being separated from them? Does being disconnected scare you? Do you desire to fit in with the world?
This is an odd question for me. I’m not personally connected to moral values out of shame from inconsistently upholding them, and I don’t generally value much except my own desirability and intellectual capabilities. I wouldn’t be able to bare it if i returned from an accident paralysed. What matters to me are my intellectual capabilities and capacity for pleasure. Being disconnected would bother me immensely because only through human interactions could you find your soulmate. I don’t think about fitting in. Acting appropriately in different academic or professional environments is always to serve the purpose of attracting opportunities, not to ‘fit in with the world.’ I like being myself. I know how my being has fascinated some people. I take pride in my individuality.

8. What are the biggest disappointments you have? It doesn't even have to be something that happened to you personally. What is somethin you expected more from, but it somehow managed to fall short?
Getting attached to someone for the first time and discovering I have disorganised attachment. I’ve discovered my brain is my own biggest enemy and the very obstacle stopping me from being in a relationship. Self sabotage to the max fuelled by insecurity and delusions, causing withdrawal etc. This means the perfect man for me could walk into my life and I would mess it up. I am very forlorn over this.

9. What do you expect from others? Are you entitled to anything? Be it love or materialistic things. How easy is it to rely on others? To depend on something else outside of your control?
I expect respect. And, I won’t lie, some sort of curiosity about me, or admiration- both of which I have experienced. I feel like I have wisdom and perspectives to share, and I’m great at understanding people. I have a good understanding of peoples capabilities and don’t necessarily like relying on others unless I know they’ll get it done, because if they don’t it’ll be to my detriment.

10. What are you as a person? How do you see yourself? How do others see you? How do you want others to see you? How do you want to see yourself?
I view myself extremely negatively because i know my flaws and vices best.
• However, acquaintances or people who know me superficially have perceived me as: wise, aloof, cute, polite, confident, intellectual, verbose, composed, ambitious, sophisticated and solemn.
• Family members and my close friends have described me as: wise, sweet, polite, verbose, emotional, creative, indecisive, funny, dramatic, anxious, over-thinker, verbose, intellectual, talkative.
• My sister who is arguably closest to me: spiteful, emotionally unregulated, lazy, clinical Psychopath, self absorbed, anger issues.
I really don’t care about how other people see me as long as they’re not my job interviewer or crush. I want to see myself as deep, attractive, intelligent, wise, justice driven and wilful.

11. How do you organize your thoughts? What are concepts and ideas to you? How do you navigate through such a hazy frightening future? What do you believe are the most important questions one can ask?
I don’t organise my thoughts which is why I end up being an over thinker. I really must start journaling. I preach metacognition yet haven’t mastered it. I’m naturally pretty good at finding a path and the steps to the pathway to navigate the future even when circumstances abruptly change- my brain is good at mentally adapting and visualising a way forward with the opportunities at my disposal. What I’m bad at is having the discipline to actually implementing my plans and what I want. I think questioning the purpose of life, and the philosophy of secular and theological ethics are quite important.

12. Are your instincts something to be trusted?
Your first-impressions, or your natural intuition on things. How often, and when, are you on
"autopilot" with your body? Doing things out of habit and muscle memory.
I will have first instincts about things but then also be willing to go through and experience the thing anyway in case it ends up being different to what I previously assumed. I’m quite disconnected from my body and don’t have any physical habits or muscle memory so I don’t know how to respond to this question.

U can submit photos if you wish

How on earth could you measure this? I’m not sure nor do I expect any certainty; I tend to see a lot of so4s and so9s dominate the leisurely online spaces I indulge in but then many sx blind E7s in real life. I believe most answers will be that where you will or won’t see each type flock is relative to specific spaces. Regardless, feel free to share data/your observations.

As a 4 this is arche-typically in my interest, proudly not beating the stereotypes 😝✌️.

Or is there no such concept?.

Don’t get me wrong, I can easily recognise in hindsight how I’ve been an sx dominant this whole time, even before it climaxed in the context of this post (the peak of so far anyways- I have a long life yet to live, experiences yet to come). I have known the kind of specific thrill I was attracted to in the back of my mind since I hit puberty before I physically discovered the depth of thrill I could give myself and the blaze of experiencing that with another person in the perfect dynamic.

However, before this discovery, I was skeptical there could be anything that would make me feel alive, because I was aware that everything around me was not going to provide that to me, and that everything around me was boring and not my sort of thing. My taste is also hyper specific so if you don’t cut it you’re not considered, and if there’s nothing that interests me, my urges are not awakened and so I feel emotionally and mentally pretty stable and tame (in relation to other individuals). That hyper specificity includes feeling truly seen, something which I am in perpetual dissatisfaction with.

That being said because I had nobody I felt like engaging in this desire with, I thought I didn’t have any affinity towards it,and when I lacked understanding of the instincts, I mistyped myself as sp/so (in a random pick and hope for accuracy based on probability sort of way) based on my calmness. I always saw others relationships as ‘you only like them for what they make you feel. What’s real is knowing each other’s flaws and still choosing to be together’. I typed as sp/so because I just never experienced raw obsessiveness for an individual due to what they elicited in me (I am not confused as to mistake it as raw obsessiveness for the person as an individual of their own- hypocritical though, am I right?).

However, after experiencing a degree of exactly what I’ve always wanted, I now seek that ‘hit’ everywhere. I can’t escape it, I can’t stop thinking about it, my desire for it consumes me, motivates me and feeds my insecurities. I feel now that I would have be much better off not knowing about how good it felt, that ignorance is bliss for someone who wants to pursue but is anchored stagnant by life circumstances against their will. However, I was not like this at all pre-experience. Are these the struggles of an sx-dom?.

I think it’s worth mentioning I have disorganised/fearful-avoidant attachment, so that naturally makes post-attachment feelings all the more like hell is loose once that connection is no more. Am I confusing the sx instinct with my attachment issue? or are they interlinked?.

I think this community is lacking representation from Ni using Sx4s with less reactive tritypes, so I wanted to make this post. Disclaimer that I am only sharing a small dimension of myself.

However I have something I’d like to understand first; when researching the differences between so4 and sx4 (I already knew the differences and easily identified myself- but this stood out to me) I read the most supported point that So4s internalise anger and externalise shame whereas sx4s externalise anger and internalise shame. While I relate with the latter, I just thought it that wouldn’t it be across all E4s to internalise shame? I don’t think it’s specific to sx4. Okay, moving onto the confessions:

1. I feel that all my sx4-ness is effectively concentrated into my relationship with my older sister (INTP sp/so 784/783) - only she has managed to switch the flip the in me throughout my whole life after which I only see red and must carry out disproportionate revenge to soothe the vicious sting of my perceived humiliation.

2. When we were 8-9 I threw the corner of a book at her eye after she made me upset although I can’t remember what she did before.

3. When I was 15 I chased her, screaming, with a 🔪 but hey I was having PMS and she wasn’t harmed (it’s not like I was intending on actually using it anyways- her running away from me in fear was enough).

4. Last week after she relentlessly insulted me infront of our friend for no reason (quiet literally no reason- ask her now and she won’t have one) I grabbed the back of her hand and dug my nails into so hard she had 9 cuts. Before that I pinched her arm so hard she bruised. I didn’t even mean to go so hard as to leave marks and scars.

These are the only violent examples of my angers manifestation. Things like this happen once every six months, and the last incident actually occurred after a year.
We resolve these problems afterwards with sarcasm and laughs as siblings do, after arguing over what the other did that was wrong and deserving of whatever the other did. I cool off fairly fast; emotional impermanence if you will. I don’t really feel sorry about these incidents and we both know it’s because she can genuinely brush them off so easily it irks me and doesn’t satisfy my boiling need to make her feel pain to the extent of what she made me feel inside which is a part of why I resort to physical impact.

What does it feel like internally for someone to react in such away?
Boiling humiliation, stinging eyes, a clogged throat. A feeling that the other person doesn’t have the right to say those words and make me feel this way, and so the anger arises and it’s the only thing on my side. They must feel pain. An eye for a limb. That is all.

I’ve been told by her that I take things that shouldn’t be taken humiliatingly as humiliating. I’ve told her that I think she should respect my boundaries. Her ADHD and lack of Fe means she forgets and so carelessly disregards how something can feel for another person. For someone reactive like sensitive like me, that’s definitely an issue.

More confessions:

5. Most of the time I have a superiority complex over my intellectual capabilities and creativity, until I meet someone whom I’m hooked by or admire, then it often swings forth to inferiority and doubt.

6. I feel guilt and shame and downright cry alone over whatever I am most disgusted about myself a lot. And no it’s not the stuff above. I believe I know what is better for me and that I’m deserving of punishment. My failure to adhere to my own moral standards disturbs me- paired with my Ni- to the point of psychosis.

7. I have Fearful Avoidant otherwise knows as Disorganised attachment style. I only learnt I had it recently, after it was triggered. Apparently it’s the root of all my neuroticism.

8. As an so-blind, I underestimate my impact on people and cannot commit myself to friendships if the individual doesn’t interest me- I find almost everybody boring. However, I can’t help but keep my senses sharp for that person whom I feel can successfully keep me engaged. Unfortunately because my expectations are so low I have given lacklustre people this chance. The former implies that unless I’m attracted to you, you are likely out of site and out of mind.

9. I do enjoy modestly boasting about my original and creative works. It’s never actively drawing attention to myself or my creations, but when somebody inevitably notices (because they’re just objectively that good) I think there no harm in basking in it’s glory.

10. I have been described by others as ‘cute’, funny, composed, intellectual, sophisticated, playful, considerate and kind (probably my sister: hah what an Fe-slut!). I can humorously enjoy this praise but am mainly indifferent to these perceptions of me because they the lack awareness of my flaws- unless it comes from an individual who does know my flaws and chooses me anyways. However in the latter case I’m skeptical af.

I’m aware I’m not beating any sx4 allegations. Nonetheless I hope this will still be somewhat informative.

Yes that’s all. Let me know if this is not the right sub and redirect me to where I should post.