u/bokchoy3_

—random thought + vent ————-

I just got my 2nd refill of gabapentin and I think I gained a little tolerance because the first time whenever I took 1x-2x 300mg it would knock me out and this time around I took 2x 300mg and it just helps the back pain soooooooo goood and I don’t feel sleepy at all. I definitely feel the pain relieving effects but not enough to knock me out like it used to. I think the highest amount I’ve ever taken was 5? (300mg) <- first refill
Which I think is normal right? The bottle says don’t exceed 36 capsules
(and then I started taking magnesium glycinate too to aid sleep, does that help? Does anyone else take magnesium glycinate?)
Should I up my dose and take more than 2 to knock out?
Is there a certain high or drowsiness that has to do with taking gabapentin? During the first time I took gabapentin, I remember one morning after taking it at night, getting up I was so wobbly and couldn’t feel my body at all and after 10 mins I was able to feel in control again or like idk how to describe it but maybe the right words to describe it is regaining my senses to feel myself moving
Oh I also noticed the day after taking gabapentin and I have to drive to work I still feel it
Not so much anymore though were those just the early side effects of starting gabapentin? I think it went away or did my tolerance become higher?

Also after re reading this I should def talk to my doctor but does anyone relate to this? Any suggestions? What experiences do you guys have with gabapentin?

I also like to do stretches whenever I take it too it’s amazing

im scared of running into my situationship

Happen to be in an area where the food close by is his favorite spot

I doubt he will be there but

After I told him I got SA’d he basically SA’d me

He would get me drunk every night to SA me

Every time I said no he would guilt trip me and say I didn’t love him

I forgot that his fav spot was here because I was too busy trying to break up with him all the time and he would compare himself to other men all the time

He’s never made me jealous bc I’ve honestly rejected him soooooo many times and then I ended up giving him a shot bc why not?

Ok u like me? Prove it?

I should’ve trusted my gut instinct

On the first week of dating,

He accused me of cheating because I was away from my phone

Gave me mad anxiety when he would just scream at me and harass me all the time for being busy.

I wanted out ASAP

And bc I didn’t have strong boundaries, him getting me drunk every night

Me saying “no” simply was not enough

I have a video of him on my phone saying that he wants to colonize me and bear his kids

Which

Idk why I still have it but it’s weird how I dated
Or got into a situation with someone so ugly and he was mad that I was beautiful.

I went celibate for months, like 6-8 months
I got off birth control bc I simply didn’t fuck with him

I would lie to him about being off birth control too because if he knew

He would SA me or get me drunk, make me comfortable enough to make it hard for me to say no

I couldn’t even feel his dick

He’s so small.

it sucks.

he would want me to tell him that he had a big dick all the time to make him feel better and how he doesn’t like white women bc their promiscuous and wants Asian women bc they’re so submissive

But I don’t think I was being submissive I think I was being submissive against my will.

Im scared I just wanted to dump all my feelings out

what if I run into him 😅

I feel scared and I just feel this rush of anxiety

Unsettling feelings

but I didn’t realize how much I buried this

The feeling and area was off

And then I remembered

I am feeling frozen

I remember I would lie in bed drunk

But frozen

Asf

Like it sucks bc later on he said he was wrong about me.

and

Idek why he abused me so bad.

We were friends before this too.

I trusted him and he lied to me about his entire character.

I don’t miss him but I fear him high key, I wish him the worst.

He says I was so good to him

I was, but I wasn’t good to myself.

He liked being in control of me and when he knew I didn’t like it he kept pushing every string and button from me just to feel loved like

Idk ts is just crazy

Thank you..

It’s just what I think 🤔

For context:

Whenever I talk to my friends abt pedophilia or like
That one old coworker who preys on 18 year olds
Or men who prey on women with specific child-like qualities / helplessness right
I specifically wonder what the sexual appeal is in children?? bc like??
Im a woman in my 20’s btw
If I were a man I would expect to see some ass and tits I don’t want to see a child?? Lol like wtf? I don’t understand 😭 even in the Epstein files like yo whats up w this obsession w kids? I guess it’s always been like this? it’s disgusting how COMMON it is too. it’s weird because all of us, used to be a child at some point too.
So it’s weird to grow older and still be attracted to that like are they mentally stuck at a certain age?
What do you guys think the issue is with pedophilia? I need to read up more but also want to ask everyone’s opinions, bc how does pedophilia even develop?? Just wondering like I think it’s so weird and also scary at the same time. there are even self aware pedophiles too who refuse to seek help and then they get caught on the internet.
Thoughts?

I just feel neglected
he takes his phone everywhere w him he’s let me seen his phone before but is always irritated whenever I ask
He looks stressed whenever im scrolling his phone and I haven’t even snooped through it he will be watching me so closely when I use his phone and it sucks
I feel alone & not heard
I think I’ve been conditioned to not speak up bc I don’t want to be an inconvenience
don’t have the time or energy to spam anymore
really weird feeling
I’ve been journaling and thought typing it out would help but it’s the same communicative format where I can’t even bring myself to express it
Why is it that he only shows up for me when he finds out im sad but it’s literally the same things he didn’t take seriously earlier and it built up over time enough to cause a reaction then he does something
it’s making me lose intimate feelings
why do guys act surprised when the ditzy & silliness is all gone or when it decreases over time
I kinda just gave up on the fact that whatever I want in a relationship just isn’t out there for me.

I mentioned flowers..

“I was gonna get them for you!!”

but he never did?

Like you were never going to do anything for me stop lying to me.

I let him come over all the time

he never invites me over bc his place is strict

Same?? I convinced my fam to allow him to be over?

I feel taken for granted and im scared to talk to him and I’ve been self medicating .

Just weed / nicotine

The thought of not being chosen hurts so bad that I’ll tear up sometimes and I think it’s getting in the way of work & taking care of myself.

I expressed it and tbh I don’t even think he’s aware or takes it that deeply im j

I always get dismissed in some way where what im saying comes off as funny or non serious and he’s just different and unwilling to adjust I really think he just doesn’t love me but he says he does and these actions just

it j hurts & I feel scared & i am isolating myself

i feel small

Can make time to see his friends stay up late af the day before going into work

But when I asked in the past before he even started hanging out

It’s always

I have work tmrw

Im not chosen and im j there for the weekends I take up most of his time on weekends he says and our quality time is him on his phone
Like ok smh
But can make time on weekdays after work do hella shit “oh i gotta hit the gym
Can’t see u priorities”

He argues

He doesn’t know how much closer we can get when we’re right next to each other

But he’s dead ass on his phone
He thinks that equates to getting to know each other.

just sucks.

I feel so stupid.

So I flew out to see a friend for their graduation
No food at the crib I had to go get groceries for myself and eat
2 days I had instant noodles
I was so hungry
Friend was also still in the middle of finishing up school work at the same time
I lounged around the whole time we didn’t go anywhere
Stayed at the place
Smoked weed all day and ate whatever food there was.
Third day got food w his parents it was chill, stayed for 6 days.
—-
Came back home and from work bf too asked

How was the trip?

I explained it and they said that’s horrible

Ppl at work ask, who are u hanging out with?

If ur gonna make me fly out to see u we better be making plans!!! And going out!! I’m not gonna spend all that money?

Told friend and friend got mad and said

Why did u expect me to have food

And I wasn’t expecting anything at all I said when I was on my flight I knew like

There had to be some snacks or water but there was just nothing I wasn’t expecting a big ol feast lol

I was also told,

Being a host doesn’t just mean a mattress and a blanket
It means welcoming u into my home and my space and making u feel comfortable and serviced
-
Followed up w friend abt this,

Friend got offended and told me, “well my parents asked that too, why you expected food”

,

Explained it back to my coworker and btw coworker is black and is like

Are they white? There’s a whole subreddit about white ppl , half white even and Europeans being bad hosts do not go to Europe

And

My friend tried to tell me it was cultural instead
I feel like this bc it’s a cultural thing he said.

I asked more ppl

I was told,

n word* this isn’t cultural this is basic respect and common courtesy what about sleepovers?

I was also told,

He’s lying to u ur telling me if his parents brought their own buddies over they wouldn’t provide anything?

Get some better friends

I empathized w friend by saying ok it’s not a big deal it wasn’t that bad and u had a lot going on and it’s ok

Also vented abt how when I was picked up from the airport I had to pay for gas too etc & they didn’t have any money to spend and I had to spend and after the trip we split and did the math reimbursed each other

He got me food too and I don’t think it was that bad but it looks like everyone around me has rlly high standards and more self respect

And friend told me

We just have 2 different ways of seeing wha hosting is

And when I explained this part^

That’s when I was also told

“wtf is the point of being a host then if ur not gonna provide anything tf”

Lol

-

What do u guys think?

“I don’t know how much closer we can get” aka we’re with each other all the time
But he’s always on his phone and I suggested like? Idk let’s talk?
We’re always lounging around and I hope every time we do hang out it might be different and maybe he’s interested.
I think I should stop being overly giving and relax and use my phone more too or find stuff to do like I might be making myself depressed by wanting more from him it sucks and im forced to understand everyone it seems like no one understands me and I have to accept it? Idk

Why would someone even use their phone all day next to their partner or rarely ask them personal questions to get to know them more? I rlly want to understand the other pov .
He bought tickets for a concert but it’s starting to hurt like I want his time idk how to explain it I want to bond more we’re going bc his friend + gf is going

like WE should find something to do together

I also tried to bring it up I wasn’t aggro I was actually really scared and he was like oh my fucking god and I just got really scared after I mentioned a little bit of this and felt dismissed and apparently I stressed him out by trying to address that I felt hurt and he was also tired too :(

It just hurts and I told him I hope he learns what I mean and ty I think I’m gonna take a step back tbh

Idk why the emotional aspect always affects intimacy in relationships but I might as well say im not on bc and im on my period tbh. I just don’t feel like im in the mood either.

I asked abt flowers and he laughed about it and I felt pathetic asking lol.

like maybe im j not that important and he says he doesn’t understand the relationship stuff at all.