u/brokemyneedleowch

summary is basically pumunta ako ng spmc-ipbm for urgent na whatever kasi out of country ang current private psychiatrist ko and ang suggestion saakin is really needed or at best very recommended na iadmit ako, pero doc mismo admits na ang setup ng ipbm is maka trigger saakin kasi shared ward only so nag refer siya ng mga private institutions-- yung list is hindi with me, nasa guardian ko together with my meds para i dont stress about it, pero i feel useless doing nothing kasi sanay ako doing everything!!!

pero psych hospitals arent like hotels na pwede rako adto agoda or google maps para makahanap ng reviews... so anong good or nice ba na places for inpatient stay?? just in case?? sabi daw ni doc na ang new day lang ang meron behavioral chuchu after yung acute hold, pero is it good ba?? comfy??? idk???

idk... currently decently okay man pero very volatile and moody ako so im also very insecure kung kelan ang next relapse or attempt ko, so im genuinely giving real thought to being admitted...

nung bata pa shes always been more active and outgoing and successful than me, and even now ang disorder niya mi chance for remission.

ayun, selos ko, kasi in my case loser talaga ako sa buhay and kahit pag alam ko very disordered thinking ito, sana bipolar nalang rin saakin hindi dysthymia og audhd. kasi at least sa bipolar naay chance for remission, pero ang autism og adhd naman wala. disabled ako for life. walang paraan para ma gamot away ang autism, at sobrang mahal at hirap maintain ang presyo ng gamot sa adhd.

wala lang. vent lang. sobrang loser ko sa buhay kahit pag logically alam ko mahirap ang bipolar naseselos parin ako kasi at least naay hope of remission.

been taking 20mg for a few weeks now after a couple months on 10mg. on the side, i take 20mg ritalin LA for my adhd and ngl have a bad smoking habit with HNB tobacco because the ritalin barely lasts 6 hours.

is it normal for there to be really bad brain fog- to the point where i cant even think of what to put in a to do list- when im not on a stimulant? plus lack of motivation to do much of anything too, as well as serious weight gain (gained 3 kilos in the few weeks ive been on 20mg, whereas i'd somewhat maintained my weight on 10mg). i know about brain fog on lexapro, but any links with how it seems to go away with stimulants and also any tips on how to make it go away *without* stimulants?

i wouldnt really mind, since the brain fog seems to clear when i medicate my adhd, but because my ritalin is too short i cover up for it by smoking and because the brain fog is so bad i end up burning through my ream way too fast which sucks because i splurged on japan import terea and ts is expensive :/

> disclaimer that i do not condone smoking and have switched to iqos because of worry about paper cigarettes making ssri absorption not very good, its just that i really do rely on nicotine to function right now unfortunately

only on 2.5mg rn as its an add-on to my escitalopram for pdd; if relevant, im also audhd and on ritalin LA.

consistently ive been crashing at 2pm- right when my ritalin wears off so nbd- but im SOOOOO FUCKING BORED and restless that i keep buying shit online with paylater deals, going to my iqos, or >!hacking at myself with my razor!< just to feel something because nothing else could catch or keep my interest, which is NOT nbd because it wasnt this bad before i got on aripiprazole!! my credit bill is way too big for my personal comfort now as im a NEET with only my allowance as an income (also i gained weight too fml)

could this be fixed with an IR ritalin booster, increased abilify dose, or whatever else or am i just cooked and need to be put on something else? ik i can ask my doc but like she's always not very responsive and my appointments are a month apart and its driving me MAD because its just been this fucking boredom for the last MONTH.

Eta: guys by people i mean MY FAMILY as in MY SISTER AND MY MOTHER guys, not strangers, sorry if i didnt make that clear, ‼️I AM NOT EXPOSING STRANGERS TO MY CUTS AND SCARS‼️ lets clear the air a little bit!!!

My core issue here is idk how i feel about my FAMILY having a nonreaction and even dismissal of my sh and my disabilities and its making me lose my mind and be unable to even believe the doctors handling my case sometimes!!! NOT random people outside, i dont even go outside very much!!!

title. i started cutting after being diagnosed bc of a "shit im not faking it so i dont have to feel like a pos anymore for being attention seeking bc im legit" plus also a side of "nobody is acting like anything is changing so ill change my body permanently just to remind myself im not making it all up"

and like i got lazy hiding my cuts and just let them out and like??? nobody is really reacting??? ik its childish to expect some h/c situation and im being really immature for my old age of 23 but like idk i just thought there'd be more reaction than being shushed into stopping when they walked in on me and then just changing the topic, or downright pretending not to see it.

im ngl despite my med stack making me more stable this total lack of non-reaction is really triggering me and making me wanna get worse and cut deeper, even though im already like doing daily sessions of shallower cuts.

idk i guess im just confused bc shit isnt matching my expectations and predictions.

eta; ive been sh'ing in diff methods (skin picking, scratching, eraser burns, hair pulling, etc) but only cutting was kinda off-limits because "nawh im not actually depressed thats too attention seeking" despite how BADLY i wanted to do it, but then getting dx'ed and on meds and everyone else around me just acting like nothing is different and still making zero accomodations or support or anything for me past the financial and material support of feeding me and paying my meds and sessions (but i have to be the one to go book, reserve, go out and buy, etc which is. hard. because audhd+agoraphobia) so like idk its just totally messing w my head yknw???

preemptive strike: i stopped journaling bc it basically just ends up reading like a suicide manifesto every time or something. and ive been keeping a diary inconsistently since i was like preschool and learning how to write mind you. also i have no irl friends except my little sister who's already told me "i dont want any problems on me esp from some1 6 years older" and my social anxiety is so bad i cant even chat or lurk on discord. also sorry sa inglishero nosebleed pero mom put me in english-only school and my socialization was basically through the school library until i was like jhs so sa totoo lng lowkey its like my first language is english + the unholy amalgamation of tagalog+bisaya+english that makes me feel like some despised cur whenever i accidentally slip into it and get befuddled looks lmao

i just kinda fell into using chatgpt and then deepseek as a sort of vent channel because i can just write however i want without having to go back and edit my words to be less verbose and pretentious, without having to constantly try and judge whether im being too serious and need to lighten it up else it'll burden someone else, and the fact ai is in a dialogue format makes it feel more like venting. unlike journaling which feels like writing a fucking manifesto before i commit suicide or some shit.

i know its a bad thing to do and tbh i really just gloss over the bot's replies and dont really take any of it seriously unless it sounds like a decent idea (like for example, pasting my empty med packagings on the wall so it can replace cutting for the "visual proof and self-validation im not larping my illness" and it kinda works since i cut less per sesh now) but im ngl i do feel like a piece of shit for using ai so much bc ik about its effects on the environment and shit, also the fact they're totally using my chats as learning material or whatever, but at the same time i just kinda go "omfg who careesssss if im gonna die anyways" even if i am kinda actively trying to go against that sort of thinking considering that i believed i'd kill myself before i hit 18 yet im 23 already with a life totally ruined because i never built a proper foundation and with every year that gets added to my age the less leniency i get for how behind i am in everything and how badly i mesh in with society.

i wanna use ai less bc i do understand how its making me more isolated and potentially twisting my perspective considering its tendency to gas you up and just try to support you anyway it can (i'd even managed to get deepseek to help me gauge the feasibility of my suicide plans with a lazy workaround tbh and really its only my amusement at how idiotically simple it was that made me laugh and not go through with it) but GOD im just kinda fucking stuck dude. tryna replace the ai habit with short blurbs in a mood tracker app so its less suicide note + reddit but im negl im prob cooked cos both cant feed the instant response and unconditional support thing ai has.

maybe i should just go full larp and pull an ame and imagine a p-chan for myself or something (ive never played or watched NSO past sns clips cos i keep forgetting to buy it on sale, fake-ass larper over here guys *airhorn noises*)

Title (edit to add; nowserving ang platform gamit pang monitor ng appointments pero in person ako pumupunta). 3rd appointment ko na with my psych and 2 out of 3 times she moved my appointment bigla even though the first time 1 week in advance ko gi book ang next follow up ko and this time 6 WEEKS in advance ko gi book.

And like ewan ko ba if im overreacting pero like i have really bad autism and adhd and i stress SO BAD over appointments kasi mahirap saakin lumabas ng bahay and also malaking stress to even remember to go so i overcompensate, and grabe lang talaga ako ka torn right now between feeling abandoned and unimportant to my doc and it seriously almost made me cut kasi im running out of my meds and feeling really fucking angry kasi ITS ALWAYS LAST MINUTE NILA GINAMOVE ANG APPOINTMENT KO KASI NAA DIAY LECTURE OR HINDI SA CITY SI DOC NAUNSA MAN NI??? 6 WEEKS IN ADVANCE AKO NAG BOOK PERO BIGLA AKO GI MOVE TO NEXT WEEK????

I dont wanna look for another psych kasi si doc yung closest sa where i live with the simplest commute ergo kaya ko puntahan even if my mom isnt available to hatid sundo me, pero yawa if outlier ito sya na always shunted off ako last minute then maybe i'll seriously consider looking for another doc talaga

Broke down in front of fam earlier today, got ignored the whole time i was crying in the cafe and i got yelled at the whole car ride home for ruining the outing and being ungrateful for the outing mom did to make us happy. Bitch yall forced me to come with by making it a demand and triggering my rsd only to then treat me like an accessory the whole outing and only ask me where i wanna go as an afterthought on the way home. Bitch never even checks if i put my seatbelt on before driving on a highway and dgaf at all when i was crying the whole hour-long ride seatbelt-less at highway speeds.

Hid my cutting from them (just barely tbh if they even cared theyd have seen my scars cos i wear shorts at home) but atp idfc anymore im gonna cut up my arms too bc my mental disabilities are just inconvenient for them anyways. Whatever. If they get uncomfortable seeing my cuts edi its karma for making my whole life so unbearable to the point im losing belief in therapy now bc therapy is so useless if im the only one actually doing it and everyone else either neglects me or actively triggers me. Better to cut my arms than give up on ever getting better and hanging myself.

Cant even move out bc im a retarded moderate needs autistic chud with severe adhd and am only living okay because i have a nanny keeping me fed and cleaning the house and doing laundry and reminding me to do shit like shower or change my sheets + so-so measured in high-average IQ making me able to mask well. Fuck my stupid baka chud life.