u/cableconsumer

ive been transitioning (ftm) for 4 years as a binary trans man and just realized i might be genderfluid. i briefly identified as genderfluid pre-transition but felt it was hopeless bc of how intensely my identity fluctuates, so i just picked a side and committed. now im 18 years old, pass 100% as a man, and still have this soul-crushing dysphoria in both directions.

when id rather present masculine i can only think about my hips, my height, how small my arms are and all of the feminine mannerisms i never unlearned. when i feel more feminine i can only think about my flat chest, my facial hair, my thick eyebrows and all of the body hair from T.

ive been considering partially detransitioning to appeal more to my feminine side but im terrified of the regret ill feel when i want to present masculine again. i don’t know if ill ever be satisfied in-between bc i view my gender through secondary-sex characteristics which i can’t just easily swap out.

does anyone here feel the same? and have you found a way to express one part of yourself without sacrificing another? im unsure of what to do.

i came out as trans at 14 and ive been medically transitioning since 15. there have been moments of intense euphoria & dysphoria but overall it’s felt right for me until recently. i haven’t recognized myself in the mirror for years and ive always thought it’d get better after seeing more changes from T but i only feel worse about myself.

if i could flip a switch to become a cis man i would without hesitation, but if i could go back in time and undo my transition id do that too. i don’t think ill ever be satisfied with myself as long as im trans.

im considering weaning off T and just seeing what happens, but the thought of detransitioning now that im finally done with my medical transition is terrifying. i don’t want to have to go through another years-long process just to feel like myself, and im so scared ill regret it.

there’s a lot more to this than i feel like putting in a reddit post but if anyone here who’s detransitioned could tell me about their experience id really appreciate that. also sorry if this is incoherent lol, trying to just get this off my chest asap

im 17, 2 years on T, 5’3 and 86 lbs. im naturally underweight and i don’t have much of an appetite but im trying to start eating 2100 calories/day with lots of fats to start gaining bc im insanely insecure of how small i am.

i used to lift weights (only like 5-7 lbs) when i was 90 lbs about a year ago, i stopped for top surgery and never really started again bc the surgery messed up my diet for awhile.

should i gain weight before starting to lift again, and how much should i gain? it’s incredibly hard for me to gain so it’ll be awhile before i can get in a healthy range and im desperate to start working out again.

edit: thank you all so much, gonna start lifting on monday lol

i was just talking about something that pissed me off and my partner said im “so sweet about conflict” which kind of hurt. i should be glad they see me that way but it feels so brutal because it’s the furthest thing from the truth, i have pages and pages in my notes ranting about how much i hate them over the smallest missteps. i never lash out at them but im terrible at communicating so i just seem annoyed, which is something they’ve noticed and pointed out. i completely lose feelings for them when they don’t talk to me enough and whenever anyone triggers me my first thought is suicide.

i am better at opposite action than i have been previously but my splits aren’t any less detrimental to my well-being, and i am definitely not sweet about conflict. id like to be but im not yet and it felt like a gut punch for them to be wrong about something with such a huge impact on my life

after my splits im numb for a few minutes before feeling kind of euphoric, everything is funny and im just completely chill for awhile, kind of like im high. ive seen other people talk about the numbness but i don’t see the euphoria talked about as much and im rly curious, does anyone else experience this or know why bpd causes this?

im on month 5 of a 6 month course and a few days ago my lips randomly became swollen, red, and so irritated that i can’t talk or eat without excruciating pain. ive reached my minimum cumulative by now (20mg x2 daily 86 lbs) but im still SO scared of relapse. i can’t deal with the breakouts again and i definitely can’t handle a second course.

with the state my lips are in i don’t think ill physically be able to take the pill tomorrow so that makes the decision easier, but im terrified of undoing my progress.

it reminds me of going back to sleep after my alarm goes off; i know there’ll be consequences later but it’s so satisfying in the moment, like my super intense and debilitating emotions are also weirdly comforting. not giving in almost makes me feel worse, in the short-term at least

i have bpd and treatment has been impossible because bettering myself feels so feminine. i realize how stupid that is but anytime i sit down to actually practice the skills ive been learning in dbt my first thought is “a guy wouldn’t be doing this”

ive also never seen a cis man with bpd so there’s no way for me to check my biases, im only comparing my experience with women and i think it might genuinely be hurting my recovery

weirdly affirming that im being impacted by male gender roles, but shit it’s difficult to get over when dbt can already feel so infantilizing