u/calmluljit

I’m not even just saying that for pity or anything. I haven’t tried to seriously be involved with someone for the past 2-3 years and I met this guy through a friend and I suddenly felt myself have a crush again.

I do have bpd and the worst thing ab it is like I can’t even cater to my relationship triggers because I need to be actively involved with someone in order to work through them bc otherwise I’m single and “fine”.

I just can’t stop blaming myself and thinking ab how I fall so hard so fast. It’s genuinely irritating to me, idk how people do it normally. I feel like I lose myself so much in getting to know someone. I have been able to control my obsessiveness and need to be cute and girlfriend-y. I made this guy a plate of food yk things like that, and now I feel so stupid because the one thing I feared was being vulnerable and have someone leave me again. It didn’t help that I got into a fight with my sister the other day and she told me no one’s ever going to really want me and it’s a matter of time before this new guy leaves me. She was right. I just don’t understand why nobody around me can stay. Why does everybody have to leave after such a little amount of time. It’s like they get bored of me.

I’m pretty sure me and this guy are over now and it feels like my whole world is collapsing. I can’t get out of bed and I definitely can’t do this again. I’m just so annoyed I thought I was healed or wtv the fuck but clearly not.

Has anyone been through this repeatedly and have any advice to make it better??

lately ive been feeling a lot of derealization which i will say i have picked up it’s triggered sometimes when ive been 🍃a little too much so i stop for awhile. but this time im just catching myself not feeling real and then in the middle of that thought i think ab how i cant be acting like im thinking ab this and get a lot of anxiety of how i should act in that moment which all circles back to not feeling real. sometimes i js swear im not in control of my emotional body for a few seconds. but those few seconds remind me of how sad life really is? it’s mostly in good moments too i’ve picked up on. it’s like when im hanging out having a good time w friends and just randomly BAM i feel like im viewing my life in the view of like watching a show and not ME. idek if this makes sense, im not diagnosed w anything other than depression but ive wanted to go for a really long time (2-3 years ish) it’s just been a lot w insurance bs and when i finally gained the courage to set an appointment my doctor didn’t even call me back to confirm it so i havent done it since.

after these moments im constantly in my head ab the most random things but it carries this empty feeling and it causes me to dissociate (i get teased ab doing this a lot, not in a like “haha what are u thinking ab?” way like a “HELLO? helloooo? why are u not talking” “u disappeared for a min” kinda way whether it’s said or unsaid. also i just am constantly thinking ab what others think ab me especially around ppl. i will say i have fully believed i have BPD since i was 17 so like 4 years ago. ive done a lot of research and was pretty much convinced until my best friend told me she didn’t like the idea of me trusting that that’s what it is this whole time because what if it’s something else.

just wondering how to stop this or not to think as much ab it or manage it idk? hopefully someone understands what im feeling !!

i just got news that i didnt get accepted for ANOTHER nursing school after 4 rejections. at this point i have 2 schools left and i keep prepping for the worst. i already have to move from hawaii back to the mainland which is a pain in itself trust me. ive gotten around to the idea of retaking core pre-nursing classes again for an A in all when i had a B average. i thought i was fine but guess not…i got a 91 on my teas and idk i just wasnt prepared for it to be this hard i guess. i keep telling myself there’s a lesson to be learned here, maybe i procrastinated too much maybe i CAN do better, and it’s all ab God’s timing but sometimes it just feels so fake. especially hearing it from anyone around me. i keep trying to fake it to make it and alrdy applied for a month of nursing experience over the summer to bump up my resume but i just cant cover the fact that im so disappointed and it’s so hard seeing all my other college friends in secured majors. i dont feel like idk what i wanna do, im going to be a nurse no doubt but idek if any of this is making sense. ik what im feeling is the feeling ppl talk ab when u wanna give up and don’t but im just so sad and feel like i failed when i really applied myself. im also just such a planner with my goals and this breaking away from my plans is just so hard to wrap my head around. ik there’s some people feeling like this too during the cohort season and just wanted to share my thoughts

(im so sorry this is so long) i just got into my first real heated argument with my best friend in college…i will start by saying i have recently been feeling like i don’t matter to anyone here away from home which has rlly sucked this past year im ngl. i’ve questioned myself a lot if I’m the problem and stuff, this is now my only real friend here.

one of the only things that has bothered me ab this friend since we became friends is that he will CONSTANTLY tell me “ill be there in 10 mins” and take anywhere from 30 mins to 5 hours to attend to our plans, it has NEVER been 10 mins and ive sorta gotten used to it and made jokes when he says things like “ill see u at 5” and ill be like “uh huh ill see u at 6” haha but today i worked my 5th day in a row and am so exhausted. (im also super impatient so me doing this for so long is a lot) it was one of those days where all i wanted to do when i got home was sleep, but he calls me saying he wants to hangout after 4…so i call him at 5 and he immediately gets annoyed and says he’ll be come in 10 mins. it was 6:30 i call again…he declines my 7 calls. no text. now im annoyed. again he says 10 mins. it’s now 7, and he tells me he’s busy watching youtube.

at this point im pissed off and tell him nvm wtv. i take that back and call him saying can u js pls come and i was rlly mad atp but i didnt think i would get into an argument with him, it was 7:30 now…i was basically telling him it’s not cool to tell me you’re gna be coming in 10 mins when yk damn well ur not and ur gna bed rot. i understand ppl have lives they wanna be alone for awhile after a long day that’s totally okay w me, but why are you lying ab your eta??

he then starts telling me “it’s not that deep” “you’re overreacting” “why are you so mad” “you’re being dramatic” “chill out” laughing away and never saying sorry. he ends up calling me CRAZY for being mad ab “just 2 hours” and ends up leaving my apartment after being there only 10 mins (ironic) bc he didn’t “wanna deal with me and my attitude”

now ive been crying for 2 hours bc all i wanted to do was spend time w my friend. i get this was a boundary i should’ve set awhile ago and im trying to be better at that. i also will admit i am someone who NEVER gets mad and then i do kinda blow up. BUT THATS WHY IM MORE UPSET, if yk i NEVER get mad how the hell is this “not that deep” ??? idk i js feel so abandoned especially bc he left w no hesitation as if im something to put up with. im just so over it. my whole life ive been called crazy for FINALLY expressing how i feel and i js always feel so invalidated after. no matter who it is family, friends, SO’s, everyone. which makes me not want to express my feelings ever again. i just want for ONCE someone to say “im sorry u didnt deserve that, wont happen again” and i hate that this situation sparked my suicidal ideation bc now it’s on my mind and im alone and he probably still doesnt care. fuck it maybe i am crazy.

(i understand most will skip this post but i just feel so alone and need some advice or something to get me off my bathroom floor)

i just got into my first real heated argument with my best friend in college…i will start by saying i have been getting annoyed for awhile with this friend (about a week or so but i see him every day) just little things…i did recently also have that super fun moment during a split where i realized no one cares ab me wtv right. one of the main things that has bothered me ab this friend since we became friends is that he will CONSTANTLY tell me “ill be there in 10 mins” and take anywhere from 30 mins to 5 hours to attend to our plans, it has NEVER been 10 mins and ive sorta gotten used to it and made jokes when he says things like “ill see u at 5” and ill be like “uh huh ill see u at 6” haha but today i worked my 5th day in a row and am so exhausted. it was one of those days where all i wanted to do when i got home was sleep, but he calls me saying he wants to hangout after 4…so i call him at 5 and he immediately gets annoyed and says he’ll be come in 10 mins. it was 6:30 i call again…he declines my 7 calls. no text. now im annoyed. again he says 10 mins. it’s now 7, and he tells me he’s busy watching youtube. at this point im pissed off and tell him nvm wtv. i take that back and call him saying can u js pls come and i was rlly mad atp but i didnt think i would get into an argument with him, it was 7:30 now…i was basically telling him it’s not cool to tell me you’re gna be coming in 10 mins when yk damn well ur not and ur gna bed rot. i understand ppl have lives they wanna be alone for awhile after a long day but cmon man…he then starts telling me “it’s not that deep” “you’re overreacting” “why are you so mad” “you’re being dramatic” “chill out” laughing away and never saying sorry. he ends up calling me CRAZY for being mad ab “just 2 hours” and ends up leaving my apartment after being there only 10 mins (ironic) bc he didn’t “wanna deal with me and my attitude” now ive been crying for 2 hours bc all i wanted to do was spend time w my friend. i get this was a boundary i should’ve set awhile ago and im trying to be better at that. i also will admit i am someone who NEVER gets mad and then i do kinda blow up. BUT THATS WHY IM MORE UPSET, if yk i NEVER get mad how the hell is this “not that deep” ??? idk i js feel so abandoned especially bc he left w no hesitation as if im something to put up with. im just so over it. my whole life ive been called crazy for FINALLY expressing how i feel and i js always feel so invalidated after. no matter who it is family, friends, SO’s, everyone. which makes me not want to express my feelings ever again. i just want for ONCE someone to say “im sorry u didnt deserve that, wont happen again” and i hate that this situation sparked my suicidal ideation bc now it’s on my mind and im alone and he probably still doesnt care. fuck it maybe i am crazy.