u/cat_version91

hi hi! im cat, and to give a bit of insight..

i am heavily inspired by some of my fave artists like, evanescence, violent vira, paramore and flyleaf!

and, to describe my essence, im very much into the early 2000s alt-rock / gothic rock sound, so the vibe im chasing is emotional, dark, dramatic, feminine, heavy, and a little haunting.

i can write lyrics and record vocals, and i am still developing my sound although i have an idea of what i want, and thus, so if that sounds like you, or you're someone that is interested, feel free to reach out and talk music!

i also have a song i want to release that needs a second pair of ears so feel free to send a dm!

hey! guys ;) my name is cat, i'm an alt-rock + nu-metal inspired vocalist willing to collaborate and looking for someone who can audio engineer/wanting to learn, and who is serious about taking part!

i've recorded an original song with my own lyrics and vocals over a licensed beat, and I’m looking for someone who’s building their portfolio and would be open to mixing the vocals, full track for free or even as a collab!!

the vibe is dark alt-rock, evanescence inspired. I can send dry vocal stems, adlibs, instrumental, and a rough demo mix.

i can credit you as mixing engineer if I release/upload it. DM me with any examples of your mixes :)

I feel like my heart has completely switched off

i have reached complete emptiness now.

i don’t even know where to start because this feels like years of pain all hitting me at once.

me and my ex have a 7 year age gap (21F, 28M), and we have been broken up no contact, but recently we started speaking again because there was this feeling that maybe one day we could mend things. he was saying he still wanted me, that i was the only girl he found attractive, that he wanted us again, etc.

but i just found out that during our break / no contact he watched porn. and i know some people might say “you were broken up, he was allowed to do what he wanted” and i understand that technically. i really do. but this is so much deeper than that for me. porn was already a huge wound in our relationship.

he had done it in the beginning when we were together and it destroyed me.

like genuinely destroyed me.

i lost so much weight, became so self conscious, felt disgusting in my own body, and it changed the way i saw myself and him. i told him if he ever did it again i would never speak to him again. it was not a small insecurity to me. it was a serious boundary. and the part that makes it worse is that he told me he would never use that stuff. so now it is not just that he did it while we were broken up. it is that he presented himself as someone who would never go back to that, then did it anyway, then came back into my life saying he wanted me and that i was the only girl he found attractive.

i feel sick even typing it out. like how can you say that to someone while knowing you were recently finishing to videos of other women having sex? and this is not even the only thing. there have been other things that built up way before this. he spoke to girls in between. i also found out ages ago that before we were actually official, while he was still calling me his girlfriend, he had slept with women. i know that technically we were not official yet, but it still broke something in me because he was already treating me like i was his girlfriend and making me feel like i was that person to him.

then the actual breakup happened because he had added, kept a girl on social media who made me uncomfortable. i never usually ask him to remove girls. i am not someone who wants to control every person someone follows. but this situation felt sketchy to me and it was one of the rare times i actually asked for that boundary. he did not remove her, and that was the thing that made me break up with him. when we broke up, he broke down and acted like his whole world had ended. and i am not saying that to be cruel, because i know he was genuinely hurt. but that is what makes this so confusing and painful. he acted like losing me destroyed him, but then during the break/no contact he still used porn, spoke to girls, and then came back to me saying he wanted me again.

when we started talking again, i was clear that we were not getting back together immediately. i told him i am still in the process of treating my mental health because i recently went through a depressive episode for months. i was confused, numb, reckless at times, avoidant, and not emotionally okay. i told him i was not ready for the emotional demands of being together again, but part of me started to think maybe we could slowly mend things one day. then, the other night i found out about the porn and my whole body just shut down. i went numb. my heart completely switched off. i hung up and i genuinely felt like i never wanted to speak to him again.

it is not just “he watched porn while single.” it is the whole pattern. it is him wanting me to understand his jealousy, his fears, his wounds around male friends, and the guys i spoke to or befriended, while my wound around porn gets treated like an overreaction because “we were broken up.” it feels like his pain mattered, but mine was inconvenient.

i also cannot stop thinking about the hypocrisy of him being jealous and insecure about men around me, but then doing the one thing that had already destroyed me before and expecting it not to affect whether i could come back. i know technically we were broken up. i know that. but he knew what porn did to me. he knew it destroyed my body image, my trust, my appetite, my confidence, and the way i saw myself. he told me he would never use that stuff. and then he did. and if i did not ask, i do not think i would have known.

now i feel completely numb. i cannot eat properly. i feel like the love got replaced with disgust and heartbreak. i feel like my body knows this is the final thing even if my brain is still trying to understand it.

i just ended my relationship (ex and i broke up but stayed in contact after i found out during our break he had indulged in things that i mentioned would be something i wouldn't tolerate if committed.

and so, he did it last night and it hit me.

but this time i just felt it in my chest, and surprisingly walked away from it. found out, cut him off. but now im confused about the numbness. there is definitely betrayal, but why is it that i feel nothing as well?

just thought i'd rant since this is a community of individuals that feel like a better support system rather than people that aren't bp.

i am 21F and (my ex and i have a 7 year age gap). we’ve been broken up/no contact, but recently started speaking again because it felt like maybe one day we could mend things. he was saying he still wanted me, that i was the only girl he found attractive, that he wanted us again, etc.
i’m also newly diagnosed, also in the process of figuring it out, and i’ve been in a depressive episode for months. i’ve felt numb, reckless at times, avoidant, confused, and like i don’t fully trust my own emotions.

but the other night i found out that during our break or no contact, he watched porn. i know technically we were broken up, so logically i understand people might say he was allowed to do what he wanted.

but porn was already a huge wound in our relationship. he had done it before when we were together and it genuinely destroyed me. i lost weight, became so self conscious, felt disgusting in my body in top of my already negative state of mind.

i told him if he ever did it again i would never speak to him again. he also told me he would never use that stuff again. so it’s not just that he did it while we were broken up. it’s that he knew what it did to me, promised he wouldn’t, did it anyway, then came back saying he wanted me and that i was the only girl he found attractive.

there were other things too. he spoke to girls in between, and i found out before that he had slept with women before we were official while still calling me his girlfriend. the actual breakup happened because he added/kept a girl on social media who made me uncomfortable, and when i asked him to remove her, he didn’t. and after, we broke up during whey was the reason i was diagnosed for, which was suspected as mania. the worst it has been. i was very unaware which i now understand is the whole point.

the part that hurts most is the double standard. he wanted me to understand his jealousy, his fears, and his wounds around male friends, but my wound around porn gets treated like an overreaction because “we were broken up.” it feels like his pain mattered, but mine was inconvenient. i also was in my worst states and he still overwhelmed me with his fears, issues and whenever i tried to tell him that im overwhelmed and still unable to give him the right support as i wasn't regulated nor capable within those moments.. he said it was an excuse.

i feel as though i can't react, but ive been low for a while now and im still in the medication process, though i can't feel anything anymore about it. i just feel nothing.

i have reached complete emptiness now.

i don’t even know where to start because this feels like years of pain all hitting me at once.

me and my ex have a 7 year age gap (21F, 28M), and we have been broken up no contact, but recently we started speaking again because there was this feeling that maybe one day we could mend things. he was saying he still wanted me, that i was the only girl he found attractive, that he wanted us again, etc.

but i just found out that during our break / no contact he watched porn. and i know some people might say “you were broken up, he was allowed to do what he wanted” and i understand that technically. i really do. but this is so much deeper than that for me. porn was already a huge wound in our relationship.

he had done it in the beginning when we were together and it destroyed me.

like genuinely destroyed me.

i lost so much weight, became so self conscious, felt disgusting in my own body, and it changed the way i saw myself and him. i told him if he ever did it again i would never speak to him again. it was not a small insecurity to me. it was a serious boundary. and the part that makes it worse is that he told me he would never use that stuff. so now it is not just that he did it while we were broken up. it is that he presented himself as someone who would never go back to that, then did it anyway, then came back into my life saying he wanted me and that i was the only girl he found attractive.

i feel sick even typing it out. like how can you say that to someone while knowing you were recently finishing to videos of other women having sex? and this is not even the only thing. there have been other things that built up way before this. he spoke to girls in between. i also found out ages ago that before we were actually official, while he was still calling me his girlfriend, he had slept with women. i know that technically we were not official yet, but it still broke something in me because he was already treating me like i was his girlfriend and making me feel like i was that person to him.

then the actual breakup happened because he had added, kept a girl on social media who made me uncomfortable. i never usually ask him to remove girls. i am not someone who wants to control every person someone follows. but this situation felt sketchy to me and it was one of the rare times i actually asked for that boundary. he did not remove her, and that was the thing that made me break up with him. when we broke up, he broke down and acted like his whole world had ended. and i am not saying that to be cruel, because i know he was genuinely hurt. but that is what makes this so confusing and painful. he acted like losing me destroyed him, but then during the break/no contact he still used porn, spoke to girls, and then came back to me saying he wanted me again.

when we started talking again, i was clear that we were not getting back together immediately. i told him i am still in the process of treating my mental health because i recently went through a depressive episode for months. i was confused, numb, reckless at times, avoidant, and not emotionally okay. i told him i was not ready for the emotional demands of being together again, but part of me started to think maybe we could slowly mend things one day. then, the other night i found out about the porn and my whole body just shut down. i went numb. my heart completely switched off. i hung up and i genuinely felt like i never wanted to speak to him again.

it is not just “he watched porn while single.” it is the whole pattern. it is him wanting me to understand his jealousy, his fears, his wounds around male friends, and the guys i spoke to or befriended, while my wound around porn gets treated like an overreaction because “we were broken up.” it feels like his pain mattered, but mine was inconvenient.

i also cannot stop thinking about the hypocrisy of him being jealous and insecure about men around me, but then doing the one thing that had already destroyed me before and expecting it not to affect whether i could come back. i know technically we were broken up. i know that. but he knew what porn did to me. he knew it destroyed my body image, my trust, my appetite, my confidence, and the way i saw myself. he told me he would never use that stuff. and then he did. and if i did not ask, i do not think i would have known.

now i feel completely numb. i cannot eat properly. i feel like the love got replaced with disgust and heartbreak. i feel like my body knows this is the final thing even if my brain is still trying to understand it.

hey guys, after a long hiatus having a break from music, i'm back! but i had someone close to me tell me to never ignore the calling of the heart. so.. i just couldn't shake it. due to studying, work and stress i stopped. unfortunately.

so i record my vocals on a rode NT1A, into logic pro on my mac. the raw recordings are great, but in terms of it sounding professional and fitted to my ideas and music style.. i guess i just want it to "hit". truly it has been so difficult. there's a gap between what's in my head and what's coming out, ive followed the tutorials, learnt myself to an extent, but i think the right producer bridges that! to bring my ideas to life or to just help me fulfil not only my dreams but make my dad proud! i just know another pair of ears would make my visuals come to life. :)

(edit! thank you guys for all your suggestions so far and replies so here is some more info! :)

to answer your questions my genre is alternative soft rock, think Evanescence, atmospheric, emotional with a dark yet strong essence.

for now i am strictly vocals, i work with pre made beats/instrumentals for ideas, yet i haven’t finished a full song yet that’s the goal. have been on a Rode NT1-A into Logic Pro on a MacBook Pro, clean recordings, i just can’t get the vocals to sit in the track properly, or fit specifically to my ideas. i've played around with some things but i guess it just never goes right.)