u/chobolicious88

The main thing that comes to mind: your worth is inherent regardless of what you bring to the table.

This is the best example of NT therapy.
This is geared for people who have brains that by default bring: developed sense of self or developmental stages, healthy levels of being an animal - taking care of self, having sexual value, having a self that offers enough in friendship because of shared life experience, having ability to offer back forth in communication.

Basically a NT brain offers something to the tribe by default.
Its enough to not anger the tribe by default.
Hence this therapeutic advice.

NDs suck in most areas, at least in majority of cases.
And when i think about it, the saving grace IS excelling at something that gives you utility.
This is the ONLY thing that will make the tribe not bully you, but respect you.
You cant respect something that isnt there.

Think Lionel Messi.
Dude is a space cadet.
If he didnt hyperfocus in football, dude would be a random nobody, a ghost.
But people sense his *achievement* and it evokes respect, even when on a personal note people deep down want to disrespect him for not fitting in.

A niche that gives us value is the saving grace.
I think we need therapy akin to coaching completely separate from NT stuff

I grew up with severe CPTSD and so my brain is terrified of my body, the gutwrenching sensations etc.

Im at a calm point in life currently so i have capacity to be curious, but I also cannot afford a therapist right now.
So im curious, what role does the therapist play in this?

Basically I know my triggers are relational, so having another human and their nervous system hold me safely while i explain my awful sensations would do a lot to make the brain learn a sense of safety.
But is there benefit to having like an app where we just work on self discovery in hopes to process things?
Like a phone app with a person asking questions as we do scans and trusting whatever comes up?

So i dont really care about trading anymore.
I want to go full on dad gamer mode, farm for an hour-two in the evening and try to make it targetted like "need some omens, gonna do some ritual" and set small goals like that.

What builds do you recommend as first character on SSF?
Small note, i want the clear to feel nice, bossing can be whatever, i dont mind bossfights taking longer but the clear skill should be cozy AF.
Another note, pls no eye or sound cancer. I want clean cozy gameplay.
(Did way too much grim pillars and i just cant look at cluttered screen anymore, lets keep it clean).

Ones im looking at currently:
1 - Plants Lich (Plants are the most cozy clear i think)
2 - Iceshot Deadeye/PF
3 - Permafrost WH
4 - Ice Nova Chrono (or anything infusions based on sorc)

Noteable mentions:
- Martial Artist WA? Apparently this is starter friendly as well as clean and not eye cancer?
- Monkey
- Reavers for the lol

Im curious is anyone into hiphop?

Are you able to follow the lyrics or the meaning, the play on words or do you just follow it as a vibe or rhytm?

Ive been inspired by this post that touched upon experiences of NPD women - Women with NPD : r/NPD

I want to hear more experience of guys?
I remember on reels where people complain about pwNPD a lot of women mentioned being worried about men being sort of DL, and frankly im starting to get it.
But problem is, if i was gay, id know and accept it and finally have peace of mind, yet im fragmented and feel like how that woman described it, almost like trans, or androgynous or idk really its all unstable.

I lust after women, especially those i objectify, i cant stop thinking about my exes legs even to this day. I lust and get hard after womens legs, tits, faces, voices.
But its almost like a film, a fantasy, porn idk.

Its like i have 0 self experience so i need to dissociate into a fantasy and that fantasy with a woman is extremely hot, at times i feel like a sex addict.

But all that involves the mind and stimuli.
If i get into my body and sort of just try to "be" without any self monitoring any control any awareness (i wonder if this is how people just leave), I feel like a woman.
Im soft, i want to receive, I dont feel like a man at all.
But this part is so young and undeveloped it requires basically an abolition of my mental reality and defenses.

I feel like at my core theres something missing, that would be firm and make a woman feel loved.
At times I feel like a woman, and look at men as carriers of security, they have that nervous system strength, while women want to take it and "leech" off of it.
But then again, ive learned I dont see reality at all, its all figments of my mind.

Does anyone relate?

All of this is extremely disturbing to me rn, Im already feeling hopeless about ever having a working relationship, and now I have this added layer of worrying that I may be fundamentally deceiving a woman even sexually, I cant cope with this amount of worry and paranoia anymore.

To make things worse, im audhd, so unmasked i generally feel sort of - androgynous.
So its like i cant react to anything in the real world, only fantasy.

Curious have you came into contact with someone you were in relationships with?

Did it feel good, did it feel foreign?
Did it feel like its all a lie?
Or perhaps just numbness and avoidance/shame.
Did you have real reactions inside?

The way i see it - if youre cluster b, your life was taken from you before it began.

Life is already hard for all of us, but why do we live?

To have experiences before our time is out.

See the world, try different foods, fuck different people.
And then youre dead.
If you are beyond that you have kids and leave something behind you (or projects if youre not parent material).
Thats really it.

Then theres therapy.
Someone is happy to take 100$ bucks an hour (or whatever the rate it), FOR YEARS, fully knowing there is a chance it does nothing.
So THEY can feel fulfilled, and have money for that vacation and that food and experiences.
All the while theres no real science based way of fixing issues.

I have a huge problem with this.
We dont benefit from ambiguity, therapists do.
And most often therapists are just other less competent/functional people who couldnt directly compete so they chose to focus on others.

So many people here say they got nothing out of therapy and increased self awareness got then worse.
Theres no prize for being good/aware, its just a disney fantasy.
The only way to measure life is how much you lived.
Not ticking some box that makes someones idea of you nicer.

I feel like its a crime to charge money from people who got the biggest injury one can get - without even knowing things can do anything concrete.

Does this relate with anyone?

I vibe well with calm, sensitive, patient and understanding women.
I can even be protective and good in these situations.

But while some of them would want a relationship for me, my core state is so dissociated that I cant get turned on by them.
The only women that get me going are extremely volatile, dangerous, narcissistic, unpredictable, and if we fight a lot and borderline abuse eachother, then I finally want them sexually.
I basically want to be in combat with them where we are almost destroying eachother, so that afterwards I can want to fuck her as a culmination.

Anyone with similar issues?

Im heavier on the BPD side but i dont think it matters.

Ive realized that for cluster Bs, acting destructive IS a form of self love.
Basically entirety of therapy wants us to be ego-dystonic, but thats just performance and again: its abandoning the self to be what those around us need us to be.
Thats exactly what landed us in this position.
Why is no one talking about this?

Ive been listening to this author who worked with BPD people and the concept of self hate.
And he kept going on and on about how sensitive people have self hate because of others labels or projections/messages/mirrors but its not true, at least fully.
Its about denial.
If you feel your truth and dont act on it, thats self rejection.
Acting on it is self love.
Rationalizing is rationalizing, changing what self is to get an outcome.

I was simply too sensitive and weird to begin with, so I had to self deny, which ends up with self hate.

And yes, day to day, if you want to lubricate your social life, you should be on your best behaviour, mentalize, be considerate etc whatever the therapist tells you, but thats all tools to make others not angry at you.

Im starting to think that finding ways to express the absolute antisocial core IS the way to get in touch with us.
Yes, going into a drug cartel war is not the outcome we want but..

Maybe one of ways we could be authentic is safe controlled BDSM, where one person can tap into that sadism, and another person can tap into humiliation.
Theres basically NO greater act of self love than ALLOWING yourself to BE whatever you are.
Its not mantras, its not meditation, its not eating healthy, its not self compassiont, its not mentalizing.
Its allowing/expressing/being.
The (adult) mind cannot give what the child needs - expression.

Thats at your core.
You HATE the other, because your self is DENIED, and its a 3/4 year old toddler.
You can HATE the other and be sadistic towards it in a safe controlled fashion, and maybe paradoxically finally feel bonded to self while with another.
Kind of like a mutual agreement and in a funny way to have each others back.

Does this resonate with anyone?

Basically ive realized:
If im grandiose and can maintain it, its a pure performance ofcourse, but in most areas of life - men are rewarded for better performance NOT for reality of emotional existence anyway.
Its basically power.

While i was grandiose i:
Had a lot more money, had a lot more influence and power at work, People respected me more, and I was able to have sexual relationships with a wider pool of women.
Id show up, show off my shiny persona, theyd giggle and eat lunches and we would have lots of sex, thats it.
My friendships were stronger because i was more needed and was just a more valuable tool.
Completely opposite to what theyd teach you in therapy spaces.

Now ofcourse a lot of this does not work that well for super long term which leads me to my next point:
In 2026 - a lot of people realized they dont want to make a family and literally "you only live once".
So having more experiences trumps some disney long term fantasy.
If you want to YOLO - you are actually better off not being vulnerable and going for anything long term, you basically have - leverage - knowing you can walk away at all times.

Vulnerability is *ONLY* rewarded, if youre already winning and are already seen as strong. And even that is seldom. Think Matthew Mcconaughey - Guys like these get to be vulenarable, but only since theyve already won at all fronts.

Men without power can basically receive kind words, but in terms of actions, the guys with power win every single time.
All that matters is that you have more power than the guys around you -> this directly leads to more respect from men, and more *everything* from women.
Being the vulnerable guy basically gets you to be the emotional tampon/doormat.

Even women that preach about connection still utimately respond to that *certainty* of a man who thinks hes the shit.
Basically, if youre a dude - your girl is lowkey going to enjoy the anxiety of a performance that signals its above. This shit works for *years*.

So where exactly is the incentive to change?

I used to have a lot of sympathy for her being a wounded and a lost woman.

But lately I cant stop thinking about how wrong it is to just autodefault to having children. To find purpose of her own.
Without having enough awareness to realize how: dead AND incompetent she is.

Like how fucking dare you to assume you should have kids while being: objectively dumb, poor, sad, dead inside to the point where you have to feed off of others, unable to discern and protect things.

I wouldnt trust her with a cat, let alone a child.
And even when I give her my cat, she devours it without learning anything about the being that is actually in front of her.

She disgusts me

Im getting burnt out on my main grim pillar totems, simply due to it being totem playstyle as well as incredibly poor visual clarity and game performance (im getting a ton of dynamic culling).

I want a build that makes it a pure joy to map, meaning as close as possible to PoE 1 vibe.
Id invest a ton, budget is not an issue, i just want to blast under certain conditions.

Closest I have for reference of what i want from past leagues:

- 0.3 (i think?) - Rhoa Lightning Arrow deadeye (with nova) -> this was a farming vacuum cleaner of a build -> smooth strong fast and well rounded, hold 1 button move fast effortlessly and suck the loot out of the map, easily build of the league
- 0.4 - Plant CoC with DD trigger -> giga smooth clear and safe, clearing screens, cozy animations and rewarding to level past 97

Basically I want the following:
- Amazing clear - No combo vision, think poe 1 style ricing, and or huge aoe
- Smooth -> Feels good is very important, means quick feedback, no long animations or setups or "vision", think PoE 1
- Decent or great mobility
- Very Important -> not cancerous to look at -> i dont want constant dynamic culling melting my gpu like grim pillars does.
- Very well rounded -> run all mods juiced, feels safe and comfortable
- No cute gimmicks -> im not doing whirling slash to get stuck on a pebble -> pure QoL only

- Bossing competent but not the primary focus
- A build that is *pure joy* to clear with - so i can queue hundreds of maps and hit 100

Bonus points:
- Damage is not delayed, or horribly delayed
- GPU melters no ty

No ty:
- Gimmicks like endless proc (think Jungroan builds), or endless Comet proc melting GPU

---

Do i just play Ice Shot Deadeye?
It looks very strong but the skill mechanics seem quite different to LA.

Ive noticed the following:
In this world - thinkers rule over feelers.
Thinkers are capable of higher order thinking - abstractions, strategy etc.
They hold more power and respect in general in hierarchies.
Im guessing they might just be flat out smarter, so when one isnt very smart - they just feel, and hope theyre talented in sports or arts, otherwise theyre servants.

Now both pwNPD and pwBPD have borderline level of organisation, to which NPD shields from.

Where im going with this, is NPD and BPD difference tied to nuance of original wounding, or basically ones competence to deal with the wounding.
Meaning, those who are stronger cognitively are able to form a more powerful and efficacious way of being.
Im even thinking if natural temperament plays a part so theory being: feelers (think mbti dominant f) will develop BPD from the original wounding, and T dominants will develop NPD.
Simplification, but i wonder if something is there.

My best example for this was LA from 0.3 and maybe Plants CoC DD from last league.
They were like farming vacuum cleaners.

Basically builds that you play as a starter, but eventually the clear is so butter smooth as well as frictionless that you end up getting super high level (past 97), because you never/rarely die, and the clear and qol is so smooth you cant stop running maps.

I was showering earlier and realized something..

People with autism generally need protection, or would benefit a lot from it.
This comes in different forms - social protection (due to poor ability to process situations and being slow to pick up on things - bullied), organizational protection (meaning competent organised adult to aid organisational and operative manners day to day), or even physical protection (dyspraxic people are often clumsy and evoke "i am victim").

And essence of male or female experience is quite harsh:
A woman needing protection is an asset to others (men want women dependant on them), men enjoy being heroes/admired/needed and women enjoy being entitled to receive things - enjoyable for both.
A man needing protection is a liability - nothing good comes out of it, man is expendient, woman is frustrated.

Now this doesnt mean things never go outside of the mold.
Theres people who operate differently as well as people who will choose to protect people, regardless of roles, BUT:

This all ties into subconscious which ties into procreation and sex.
Basically sex exists if the protection dynamic is met.
And all of social situations that youre often annoyed by is because it all derives from this subconscious formula.
In essence people want to have that raw animal side of us met - so that we feel like we belong and are accepted by nature itself, friendships cannot fulfill this deep need.

So wearing Loop earplugs to reduce the volume of outside noise has been huge for me.
Helps me regulate and function.

Lately ive been wearing my shades and its been also super pleasant.
No bright light from sunshine etc, helps my brain literally.

It got me thinking, maybe we should wear contacts/lenses that have a slight dimming effect for extra regulation.
Like a silencer for light.

Its also a lot more acceptable to wear indoors compared to shades.
What do you people think?

Im currently unemployed so i have extended time to get in touch with myself in a deeper way without masking.

Ive been doing this practice of purposefully slowing down, being embodied, breathing into me, and keeping awareness.
Basically opposite to control and resistance.

Funnily, its reminding me of days when i was young and unsure of what is even happening.

Its where your voice/needs/values are.
Its literally where life is.

But, heres the interesting part.
These deepest layers are so profoundly disregulated, its makes for a shameful and dissociated core.
I imagine it as a heated marble at the core of my brain.
What i dont see talked about a lot is: this is a hardware problem first, not software.

First thing to consider:
Definition of trauma - something that overwhelms the nervous system capacity.

Its everything that exceeds our capacity to process life.
This is why for some people, its an intense car accident, and for others it can be something seemingly benign.
Its not about the event, its about capacity.

Another thing to point out: the earlier the trauma, the bigger the imprint.

I remember my core shame and neurosis is somehow tied to imagery of my pale mother.
She was anxious and sort of lifeless, depressed mother. I have all of her fear now.

Now the core issue:
If i breathe and open up and feel deep enough, i get a moment of connection with my core affect.
And what happens is: the mind experiences the self, feels the shame, and dissociates instantly.
It all happens very quickly and is automatic.
So basically: I am my source of trauma now.
Experience of myself exceeds the capacity of my window of tolerance.
Myself couldnt stand on its own in reality, there is just not enough subconscious backing and power to hold it - which is in essence - regulation.

It has been this way ever since i remember which is why a personality disorder forms, as there is no way to be in the world in such a collapsed way.
The shame is not just an ashamed child, its everything tied to it - the realization of loss, the burning shame, the sadness of my mother, the figurative death, the realisation of when it happened, the implications on the brain and self formation, disintegration of reality.
The mind sees this and theres no way to make sense of it - so to stay functional, it dissociates.
It cannot restart the cycle of life.

This is why i dont like the word healing.
To heal is to process, and if you cannot experience it, you cannot process it.

I could be anything down there, a different person, different values, wants/needs, different purpose, different sexuality, interests, who knows.
It cannot be experienced in order to be trusted.
The flow is: sense, want, take action.

Im also audhd and more on the borderline side, but curious of any of you relate.

Ive realized the following.

When NTs are out and about in the world, their brains are capable of processing themselves and others in parallel (with extra for imagination).
So when people get together they experience: this person is enjoyable, i like hanging out with them, im attracted to them, im turned on by them and what i would do to them etc etc.

But a lot of single people complaints here (rightfully so) comes from comparisons.
Everyone is having a more fulfilled life so it feels bad or lonely, understandable.

But from what ive seen, a lot of aspies when in social situations dont really experience positive reward and imagination, socially romantically or sexually.
The brain is completely cooked and frozen in rigidity.

So isnt it funny that: people want something as a concept (that will make the loneliness or idea of it) go away, but in reality your own bodies and brains dont want it.
And if thats the case, can you really say its YOU who wants it?
If it was the case you would feel it and then act on it.
Thats how others do it

Curious for your plan on 0.5 starter.
Will you pick something that will be optimized for the rune encounter thing?
Or will you pick an existing league mechanic deli/breach/expedition/ritual and try to optimize for that?

This is the crux of the matter.

You do breathwork, somatics, therapy etc.
This results in heightened awareness of self - and your authentic impulses.

But unlike non cluster b people, the shizoid core is still dissociated.
This small dissociated child thats 4? years old creates havoc.
Basically it is here that you experience: envy over others, rejection sensitivity, entitlement, enmeshment, love/adore me im the most special person etc, needing to have others underneath you.
All of these are felt experiences, not rational experiences.

Its as if connecting with self is worth it only if one has the foundational integrated core.
But cluster b child cannot be reached.

What if we are applying the wrong tools?
Who said healing is the way for us?
Is that a belief thats actually true in reality, or another fantasy?

I remember growing up i perfected the opposite:
Severe numbing.
Id do a mix of following:
Tighten and constrict my body and muscles.
Keep breathing very shallow and “high”.
Push my awareness outside of me and my skinless body, into imagination.
My brain started out compartmentalizing my inner child, i just carried on in the same way.

And id blend in.
Its like a surpressor over all the nasty stuff i felt.
And if i got good enough at it, id come out on the other side!
Positive imagination of self and others.
Im guessing grandiose but who cares.

I remember being like this at my most successful times in a romantic relationship.
I was unaware at the time, and when i realized id experience very negative states, they would quickly vanish.
I remember my partner was hurting and was upset.
Inside i felt a jolt of satisfaction: i matter enough that a human being is upset over my impact on them.
But thanks to dissociation the outcome wasnt abusive, its like a distant impulse that i dont care about anyway.
So i distance and dissociate further from myself and try to problem solve with my partner and it worked!
She was satisfied eventually, there was harmony, no splitting, no acting out.

Idk about you but that felt way better than anti social awareness/destruction, or acting out and being abusive.

Frankly, im more practical than idealistic nowdays.
Who cares?
Anyone got thoughts on this?