u/coconutty_tabby

TD;LR at the end of post/ Hi. I'm a middle aged women living with my mother (we rent a place together) who is in her 60s, and I'm struggling to understand where my responsibility toward her ends and where her expectations of me become unreasonable.

Today I offered to take my mom to a food festival. She had just gotten some money, the weather was nice, and I thought she might enjoy getting out of the house (I don't mind treating her either if she didn't have any money). Instead of being happy about the offer, her initial reaction was suspicion and uncertainty. She was genuinely shocked that I offered to spend a Saturday with her because she has become very used to me prioritizing my boyfriend and friends on weekends .Because of that, she felt she needed reassurance that I *genuinely* wanted to spend time with her and wasn't simply making her a potential "backup plan".

This triggered me badly because I thought something nice would create better energy between us BUT instead she found a way to find fault ! Then I triggered her because she doesn't feel special or prioritized in my life (she has cptsd too!)

My mom pointed out that in the past, when she asked me to change my plans to spend time with her, I usually didn't (that's me *trying* to maintain my boundaries).So from her perspective, her skepticism isn't coming out of nowhere. She feels that she has learned from past experiences that she isn't necessarily a priority for me, and therefore she believes it is reasonable for her to ask whether I'm actually choosing her.

I genuinely wanted to spend time with her!! I wasn't asking because my plans had fallen through. I offered because I thought it would be nice to do something together. So when she responded by asking whether I was ONLY asking because I didn't have anything better to do, and then asked why I didn't ask my boyfriend to treat me if the food festival was expensive, I felt *hurt and *invalidated ( I did not expect my mom to buy me stuff so I don't know why she said that)...

To me, I had just made a *genuine* effort to choose her, and instead of feeling appreciated, I felt as though I had to defend my motives!?
I also have a lot of history with feeling extremly criticized by my mother, particularly regarding my boyfriend and my friends. She has made it clear that she greatly dislikes my boyfriend, and almost ANY opportunity for her to compare herself to him (she wants things fair) or point out his wrong doing can turn into an argument.

My boyfriend has his own issues, and my mother is absolutely entitled to have concerns about him. However, I feel that the * constant * criticism of my relationship has become exhausting and a source of much conflict between us... it's now become emtional abuse!

For context, my boyfriend is off on weekends. Because of his health and autism, he is often mentally and physically exhausted during the week, so although we sometimes see each other during the week, weekends are generally when we have the most opportunity to spend time together. We have been dating for two years and we are not hardly sexually active so to make up for it, I really value our time together...

My mother doesn't work and doesn't have many obligations during the week outside of helping with stray cats/a small cat colony, which I also help with. Because she has ADHD and anxiety, the week often goes by without us doing much (she is smart but disorganized), and then she wants to do things on the weekend BUT I have already asked for some of that time to be my own!?

She feels that family should come first and that I should therefore be available to her on at least some weekends. I am available about ONE weekend a month, but she feels that isn't enough.
She wants to feel "special" and "chosen."

It's driving me crazy having to feel responsible for making my mother feel chosen in the particular way she wants to be chosen—meaning that she comes before my boyfriend and friends???

I have told her that I am an adult and need to prioritize my own life and relationships. When I choose to spend time with my boyfriend or friends, that ***doesn't mean*** my mother is less special or that I don't love her.
She disagrees!! I feel engulfed by guilt and frustration as a result.

About me:

I am neurodivergent and struggle with CPTSD, anxiety, and BPD-like symptoms. When someone speaks to me in a critical or confusing way, I can become extremely overwhelmed and feel like I'm preparing for a meltdown.

When I initially told my mother that her comments about my invitation had hurt me, I was upset, but I wasn't yelling. She became defensive because I was bothered by what she said. She says she was asking for reassurance. I experienced her questions as suspicion and criticism.

I can understand why my mother might need reassurance based on our history, while also feeling hurt that my genuine attempt to spend time with her was immediately questioned. We both have to walk on eggs shells with each other... I am also hyper vigilant NOT to piss her off.

I do NOT want to live in a situation where every time I prioritize my boyfriend, friends, or myself, I have to reassure my mother that she is still special and that I haven't "chosen" someone else over her.

Do I have a responsibility as an adult child to make my mother feel special and chosen?

Was I being unfair by feeling hurt when my mother questioned my motives, given that she says she was simply trying to reassure herself that I genuinely wanted to spend time with her?

I'm trying to understand both sides here. Am I missing something about her perspective, while also figuring out whether I'm being asked to take responsibility for feelings that aren't actually mine to manage.

I'm in freeze mode from all this and haven't gone outside... she is cleaning on this beautiful day 😔

Thank you

.......

TL;DR: I (F late 30s) offered to spend Saturday with my mom (F early 60s). She was surprised because I usually spend weekends with my boyfriend or friends, and she questioned whether I was only asking because I had nothing better to do. She says she was simply looking for reassurance that I genuinely wanted to choose her as she was worried she was a backup plan.

I understand why she might feel that way, but I felt hurt because I was sincerely trying to make her a priority and felt like my intentions were being questioned.
My mom believes that family comes before my boyfriend and friends. I believe I can love and prioritize my relationship with my mother without putting her first in every situation.

Am I responsible for making my mother feel special and chosen in the way she wants, or is that an emotional need she ultimately has to manage herself?

TD;LR at the end of post/ Hi. I'm a middle aged women living with my mother (we rent a place together) who is in her 60s, and I'm struggling to understand where my responsibility toward her ends and where her expectations of me become unreasonable.

Today I offered to take my mom to a food festival. She had just gotten some money, the weather was nice, and I thought she might enjoy getting out of the house (I don't mind treating her either if she didn't have any money). Instead of being happy about the offer, her initial reaction was suspicion and uncertainty. She was genuinely shocked that I offered to spend a Saturday with her because she has become very used to me prioritizing my boyfriend and friends on weekends .Because of that, she felt she needed reassurance that I *genuinely* wanted to spend time with her and wasn't simply making her a potential "backup plan".

To further justify her reaction, she pointed out that in the past, when she asked me to change my plans to spend time with her, I usually didn't (that's me *trying* to maintain my boundaries).So from her perspective, her skepticism isn't coming out of nowhere. She feels that she has learned from past experiences that she isn't necessarily a priority for me, and therefore she believes it is reasonable for her to ask whether I'm actually choosing her.

I genuinely wanted to spend time with her!! I wasn't asking because my plans had fallen through. I offered because I thought it would be nice to do something together. So when she responded by asking whether I was ONLY asking because I didn't have anything better to do, and then asked why I didn't ask my boyfriend to treat me if the food festival was expensive, I felt *hurt and *invalidated ( I did not expect my mom to buy me stuff so I don't know why she said that)...

To me, I had just made a *genuine* effort to choose her, and instead of feeling appreciated, I felt as though I had to defend my motives!?
I also have a lot of history with feeling extremly criticized by my mother, particularly regarding my boyfriend and my friends. She has made it clear that she greatly dislikes my boyfriend, and almost ANY opportunity for her to compare herself to him (she wants things fair) or point out his wrong doing can turn into an argument.

My boyfriend has his own issues, and my mother is absolutely entitled to have concerns about him. However, I feel that the * constant * criticism of my relationship has become exhausting and a source of much conflict between us... it's now become emtional abuse!

For context, my boyfriend is off on weekends. Because of his health and autism, he is often mentally and physically exhausted during the week, so although we sometimes see each other during the week, weekends are generally when we have the most opportunity to spend time together. We have been dating for two years and we are not hardly sexually active so to make up for it, I really value our time together...

My mother doesn't work and doesn't have many obligations during the week outside of helping with stray cats/a small cat colony, which I also help with. Because she has ADHD and anxiety, the week often goes by without us doing much (she is smart but disorganized), and then she wants to do things on the weekend BUT I have already asked for some of that time to be my own!?

She feels that family should come first and that I should therefore be available to her on at least some weekends. I am available about ONE weekend a month, but she feels that isn't enough.
She wants to feel "special" and "chosen."

It's driving me crazy having to feel responsible for making my mother feel chosen in the particular way she wants to be chosen—meaning that she comes before my boyfriend and friends???

I have told her that I am an adult and need to prioritize my own life and relationships. When I choose to spend time with my boyfriend or friends, that ***doesn't mean*** my mother is less special or that I don't love her.
She disagrees!! I feel engulfed by guilt and frustration as a result.

About me:

I am neurodivergent and struggle with CPTSD, anxiety, and BPD-like symptoms. When someone speaks to me in a critical or confusing way, I can become extremely overwhelmed and feel like I'm preparing for a meltdown.

When I initially told my mother that her comments about my invitation had hurt me, I was upset, but I wasn't yelling. She became defensive because I was bothered by what she said. It was me getting anxious...

She says she was asking for reassurance. I experienced her questions as suspicion and criticism.

I don't think either of those feelings necessarily cancels out the other.
I can understand why my mother might need reassurance based on our history, while also feeling hurt that my genuine attempt to spend time with her was immediately questioned.

But I also don't want to live in a situation where every time I prioritize my boyfriend, friends, or myself, I have to reassure my mother that she is still special and that I haven't "chosen" someone else over her.

Do I have a responsibility as an adult child to make my mother feel special and chosen?

Was I being unfair by feeling hurt when my mother questioned my motives, given that she says she was simply trying to reassure herself that I genuinely wanted to spend time with her?

I'm trying to understand both sides here.

I don't want validation that my mother is simply "wrong." I want to ***understand** whether I'm missing something about her perspective, while also figuring out whether I'm being asked to take responsibility for feelings that aren't actually mine to manage.

Thank you

.......

TL;DR: I (F late 30s) offered to spend Saturday with my mom (F early 60s). She was surprised because I usually spend weekends with my boyfriend or friends, and she questioned whether I was only asking because I had nothing better to do. She says she was simply looking for reassurance that I genuinely wanted to choose her as she was worried she was a backup plan.

I understand why she might feel that way, but I felt hurt because I was sincerely trying to make her a priority and felt like my intentions were being questioned.
My mom believes that family comes before my boyfriend and friends. I believe I can love and prioritize my relationship with my mother without putting her first in every situation.

Am I responsible for making my mother feel special and chosen in the way she wants, or is that an emotional need she ultimately has to manage herself?

TL;DR: I (F late 30s) offered to spend Saturday with my mom (F early 60s). She was surprised because I usually spend weekends with my boyfriend or friends, and she questioned whether I was only asking because I had nothing better to do. She says she was simply looking for reassurance that I genuinely wanted to choose her as she was worried she was a backup plan.

I understand why she might feel that way, but I felt hurt because I was sincerely trying to make her a priority and felt like my intentions were being questioned.
My mom believes that family comes before my boyfriend and friends. I believe I can love and prioritize my relationship with my mother without putting her first in every situation.

Am I responsible for making my mother feel special and chosen in the way she wants, or is that an emotional need she ultimately has to manage herself?

................

Context and full story:

I'm a middle aged women living with my mother, who is in her 60s, and I'm struggling to understand where my responsibility toward her ends and where her expectations of me become unreasonable.

**We both have health issues and rent a place together (it is not her home).

*Today* I offered to take my mom to a food festival. She had just gotten paid, the weather was nice, and I thought she might enjoy getting out of the house. I didn't mind treating her either. We live together, and I also share what little money I receive with her each month.
Instead of being happy about the offer, her initial reaction was suspicion! She said she was surprised because I'm usually spending my weekends with my boyfriend or friends.

I want to be fair to her perspective because I think this is important: she says she was genuinely shocked that I offered to spend a Saturday with her because she has become very used to me prioritizing my boyfriend and friends on weekends . Because of that, she felt she needed reassurance that I genuinely wanted to spend time with her and wasn't simply making her the "backup plan" because I had nothing better to do.

She also pointed out that in the past, when she asked me to change my plans to spend time with her, I usually didn't. So from her perspective, her skepticism isn't coming out of nowhere. She feels that she has learned from past experiences that she isn't necessarily a priority for me, and therefore she believes it is reasonable for her to ask whether I'm actually choosing her.
I can understand that.

I genuinely wanted to spend time with her!! I wasn't asking because my plans had fallen through. I offered because I thought it would be nice to do something together.

So when she responded by asking whether I was only asking because I didn't have anything better to do, and then asked why I didn't ask my boyfriend to treat me if the food festival was expensive, I felt hurt and invalidated ( I did not expect my mom to buy me stuff so I don't know why she said that)...

To me, I had just made a *genuine* effort to choose her, and instead of feeling appreciated, I felt as though I had to defend my motives!?
I also have a lot of history with feeling criticized by my mother, particularly regarding my boyfriend and my friends. She has made it clear that she dislikes my boyfriend, and almost ANY opportunity for her to compare herself to him can turn into an argument.

My boyfriend has his own issues, and my mother is absolutely entitled to have concerns about him. However, I feel that the * constant * criticism of my relationship has become exhausting and a source of much conflict between us.

For context, my boyfriend is off on weekends. Because of his health and autism, he is often mentally and physically exhausted during the week, so although we sometimes see each other during the week, weekends are generally when we have the most opportunity to spend time together.

My mother doesn't work and doesn't have many obligations during the week outside of helping with stray cats/a small cat colony, which I also help with. Because she has ADHD and anxiety, the week often goes by without us doing much, and then she wants to do things on the weekend—when I have already asked for some of that time to be my own.

She feels that family should come first and that I should therefore be available to her on at least some weekends. I am available about ONE weekend a month, but she feels that isn't enough.
She wants to feel "special" and "chosen."

But I don't understand whether being an adult child means I am responsible for making my mother feel chosen in the particular way she wants to be chosen—meaning that she comes before my boyfriend and friends???

I have told her that I am an adult and need to prioritize my own life and relationships. When I choose to spend time with my boyfriend or friends, that ***doesn't mean*** my mother is less special or that I don't love her.
She disagrees!!

About me:

I am neurodivergent and struggle with CPTSD, anxiety, and BPD-like symptoms. When someone speaks to me in a critical or confusing way, I can become extremely overwhelmed and feel like I'm preparing for a meltdown.
When I initially told my mother that her comments about my invitation had hurt me, I was upset, but I wasn't yelling. She became defensive because I was bothered by what she said. It was me getting anxious...

She says she was asking for reassurance. I experienced her questions as suspicion and criticism.

I don't think either of those feelings necessarily cancels out the other.
I can understand why my mother might need reassurance based on our history, while also feeling hurt that my genuine attempt to spend time with her was immediately questioned.

But I also don't want to live in a situation where every time I prioritize my boyfriend, friends, or myself, I have to reassure my mother that she is still special and that I haven't "chosen" someone else over her.

Do I have a responsibility as an adult child to make my mother feel special and chosen?

Was I being unfair by feeling hurt when my mother questioned my motives, given that she says she was simply trying to reassure herself that I genuinely wanted to spend time with her?

I'm trying to understand both sides here.

I don't want validation that my mother is simply "wrong." I want to ***understand** whether I'm missing something about her perspective, while also figuring out whether I'm being asked to take responsibility for feelings that aren't actually mine to manage.

Thank you

Hi. I’m trying to understand my boyfriend better because I feel like I’m not “getting” him, and I’m taking things too personally, which is stressing both of us. I’m hoping some men with naturally low libidos can help me understand how they experience attraction.

Does a low-libido man need a woman who is very confident and strong enough that she doesn’t need much verbal reassurance?

i’m starting to wonder if I’m expecting something from him that just doesn’t come naturally to him.
He tells me he is attracted to me, but I rarely hear things like “you’re hot,” “you drive me wild,” or “I’ve been thinking about you and can’t wait to see you.” Those kinds of comments mean a lot to me because they make me feel wanted.

His living situation doesn’t give us a lot of privacy, although there is enough privacy for us to fool around a little. When we’re out in public, he cuddles me and is physically affectionate and flirty. He’ll sometimes grab my chest, which I don’t like because we’re in public. If I push his hand away, it’s NOT because I don’t like him touching me...it’s because I don’t want that kind of touching in public! But he sometimes gets frustrated because he seems to think, “If I can’t keep my hands off you, isn’t that enough proof that I’m attracted to you?”

Maybe for him, it is...

I’m usually the one asking to come over so we can at least have some private time together, even if we aren’t having sex. I’ve told him that I would love to hear things like, “Babe, I’ve been thinking about you and can’t wait for us to be alone together,” or “You drive me wild and I can’t wait to see you.”

His response is basically that it shouldn’t matter who asks first, as long as he agrees and wants to spend the time together. From his perspective, agreeing to intimacy is proof that he wants me?!

Is he right? Am I putting too much importance on who initiates?
Or is it reasonable for me to want to feel pursued more?

I think the hardest part for me is separating low libido from lack of attraction.

I know he says he is attracted to me, and he shows affection physically, but because he rarely verbally expresses sexual desire and rarely initiates, I sometimes end up feeling rejected even though he may not intend to make me feel that way.

I’m also realizing that this may be a difference in how we each experience and express desire. For him, maybe attraction is something he feels but doesn’t think needs to be talked about??

For me, hearing and feeling that desire expressed is an important part of feeling loved and wanted.

I’m actually pretty easygoing and understanding about his libido because I also have a low libido due to health reasons. I compliment him a lot, and he has admitted that it flatters him!
If those compliments make him feel good, why wouldn’t he understand that hearing similar things from him would make me feel good too?

When the person you love rarely tells you that you’re sexy or that you drive him crazy, it’s hard not to internalize it...

I’m not looking for someone to tell me that my boyfriend is a bad guy or that I should leave him. I *genuinely* want to understand how low-libido men experience attraction and whether I’m interpreting his behavior incorrectly.

For men with low libidos: how do you show your partner that you’re attracted to her and desire her, even when you don’t have a strong urge to initiate sex? And for those of you in relationships, do you understand why your partner might still need to hear that she is desirable, even if you feel that your actions already show it?

Hi. I'm looking to hear from men who were verbally abusive in a past or current relationship, have taken responsibility, and have genuinely changed - or - halfway through their healing journey to change and still prone to 'slip ups'.

If your partner's parents witnessed how badly you treated their child and no longer wanted them to be with you because of your behaviour, what would you want those parents to know?

Would you hope for their forgiveness or trust again, and if so, what would you realistically expect from them, if anything?

.............

EXTRA

My situation:

I'm trying to work through some difficult issues in my relationship. My boyfriend has had angry outbursts toward me in the past (meltdowns, yelling, losing his temper), but we're actively working through them. He acknowledges his behaviour was harmful, takes responsibility for it, and is genuinely trying to change.

The problem is my mother. She has witnessed some of his behaviour and believes that once a man shows anger toward his partner, it's game over. In her eyes, his actions are unforgivable.

As a result, I receive frequent lectures, criticism, and pressure about staying with him. It's affecting my relationship because I'm constantly second-guessing myself, wondering if my mother is right, and questioning my ability to forgive or trust my own judgment.

For context, my father was verbally and physically abusive toward both my mother and me, and we both developed CPTSD. I understand why she reacts so strongly, but I also wonder if her past makes it difficult to believe people can change.

We're both in our 30s and currently live with a senior parent for family and financial reasons. I contribute to rent and household expenses, so I'm not financially dependent on my mother.

I also recognize my own part in the relationship. After his outbursts, I lost trust in him and sometimes sought reassurance by "testing" him emotionally, which wasn't healthy either.

Even now, I still get flashbacks to his anger. My body remembers those moments, even though my heart wants to forgive. That conflict has been incredibly difficult.

I'm looking for advice from people who've been in similar situations. How can I have a productive conversation with my mother while respecting her concerns? And how do I know when I'm trusting my own judgment versus being influenced by someone else's fears?

Thank you.