u/crippledshroom

I work back of house, usually one shift a week on Thursdays. When I was hired, I was told schedules would come out on Saturdays. Well, last Saturday rolls around, and I check to see my schedule. No shifts for that week. I figured I’d check a few more times just in case there was an issue with the scheduling. I checked the app Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. By Tuesday I just figured I wasn’t working.

This past Saturday rolls around, and I check to see if I’ve gotten my schedule. Come to find out the scheduled me to work Thursday. They gave me ONE days notice in the middle of the week that I had a shift to work. Keep in mind there’s no notifications of this from the app. My life doesn’t revolve around this job. I am not checking the app every day of the week because whoever schedules me can’t figure out how to get their job done on time.

Schedules are supposed to come out on specific days for a reason. I have things that I cannot just cancel that I need to schedule around the times I work. I can’t sacrifice the doctors appointments that I genuinely need to stay healthy all because I can never be sure if I’m working or not.

Sometimes I truly wonder how this company is still in business.

I have to drop out of college because my ptsd and DID are so bad that I genuinely cannot function well enough to do school. My memory is absolute dogshit and I struggle to complete assignments because of it. I understand the material just fine. I’d like to say I’m a decently smart person. I just can’t for the life of me remember assignments. I’ve tried planners, sticky notes, phone reminders, a wall calendar, literally every trick in the book. But those things don’t work when you’re losing weeks of time on the regular. I’m dropping out to focus on an IOP for my trauma so I can. Idk get my shit together and actually manage to finish school.

It’s just so upsetting. I never asked for any of this. I never asked to be born into that stupid house. I never asked to be adopted. I never asked for any of this to happen to me. It’s just so unfair. I feel like I’m stuck in a bubble where time doesn’t move, but I can see it moving for everyone else. Some of my peers are graduating. Some of them have professional jobs now. Some of them are moving on to further education. And here I am, dropping out because of the effects of what others did to me for 18 years.

I’ve always struggled with school but I want nothing more than to get my masters and become a therapist. Hell I’d even be fine with being a psych nurse. I just want to work in the psych field at some point. It’s my biggest dream but it feels so unattainable because of everything i’ve gone through and everything i deal with. I plan to go back to school, but the fact I have to drop out for my health in the first place is so frustrating. I keep saying I’m better now because my mood disorder is managed, but just because I’m not depressed or manic anymore doesn’t mean the trauma aspect is healed.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever truly heal from it. 18 years of various abuses from multiple different groups of people. It’s just so much to handle and deal with. I feel like no one truly understands the actual weight and extent of my trauma. Honestly I don’t think even I do. I just wish i hadn’t been born so none of this would have happened to me. There was no avoiding the abuse I went through. There is no “before” because thats all there ever was. I envy the people who have a before, even though I know that’s not healthy. I’ve never been not traumatized in my entire life and I just wish there was one point where I was just. A kid. Playing with toys and hanging out with friends on the playground. But I never got that.

I guess I’m just angry about it all.

I’ve noticed a trend that most of the fictional characters I find to be relatable share the same mbti as me. At first I thought it was just a bit of a coincidence, but it’s extended to like. 10 characters at this point. It’s clearly a pattern, and logically it does make sense. Just wondering if anyone else shares this experience.

I started a new job today. My supervisor misgendered me the entire day. I can’t even figure out why. I know I don’t pass, but my name is an overtly male one, I have facial hair, body hair, bind, and present completely masculinely. I don’t even really have a feminine figure at this point because of body fat redistribution. I also have a feeling that the store manager corrected her on my pronouns, as when she came back from grabbing my shirt and setting up my account for the register, she hesitated, before once again calling me she.

It really just made my whole day kind of crummy. I understand if its from customers, but my supervisor who clearly knows my name and seemed to have been corrected?

I’m terrified to speak up about it, because I don’t want her to dislike me over this. I feel like either way it’s just gonna be a shitty situation. I either have to get misgendered, confront her, or go to HR about it. I don’t want to do any of those things.

It just makes my dysphoria so bad because I really do try as hard as I can to present masculinely. I just want to pass so I don’t have to deal with this stuff anymore. I’m over a year on T and I’m not even close to passing, and much of it is stuff I can’t change, like my height and the fact that I have a pretty round face. It feels like as time goes on, my dysphoria just worsens because I thought by this point people would at least recognize that I’m trying to present as male. I feel like nothing I’m doing is working, and I’m just kind of losing hope that I’ll ever be able to go stealth in the workplace.

I experience a really complex range of experiences when it comes to synesthesia. Most of my experiences are related to sound. Sound has colors, shapes, temperatures, and textures. Alongside that, I do experience taste translating to color to a more mild degree than the way I experience my sound related synesthesia.

Is it common to have so many different experiences within synesthesia?