The International Academy of Astronautics (IAA) has just updated its SETI post-detection protocols — SETI, that's Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence, the instiute issuing the real guidelines for what scientists should do if humanity detects convincing evidence of extraterrestrial intelligence. It's the first major revision since the original document was drafted back in 1989.

The update was led by University of Manchester astrophysicist Michael Garrett, who chairs the IAA's SETI Permanent Study Group. In a recent interview with DER SPIEGEL, Garrett explained that the protocols weren't written for career SETI researchers — they're for the astronomer, satellite operator, or grad student who stumbles into a discovery they never trained for and suddenly needs to know what to do with it. He also stressed that any claim would need to survive independent confirmation from a different telescope, a different team, and different analysis software before anyone says the word "aliens" out loud — because, as he put it, past claims of alien activity have a habit of collapsing once more data comes in.

It also recognizes a distinctly modern problem: an alleged alien signal can go viral long before anyone has established what it actually is.

But what if you are the one who encounters an extraterrestrial — not a radio blip 1,000 light-years away, but something considerably closer? Here's how to not embarrass the species.

1. Verify before you announce

The protocols call for potential evidence to be independently confirmed using different facilities, instruments, and methods before anyone goes public.

So don't immediately tell the world you've met an extraterrestrial. First make sure it isn't a person, a hoax, an optical illusion, or something your brain invented after three hours of sleep. Garrett's own instruments have a name for objects like this before they're identified: UAP, or "Unidentified Anomalous Phenomena." He's been fairly blunt that most reported sightings amount to a thin data set that doesn't really support any firm conclusion — which is exactly the energy you should bring to your own encounter.

2. Preserve the evidence

If the encounter produces photographs, recordings, or other data, keep the originals. Don't crop them. Don't enhance them. Don't run them through an AI image generator. And perhaps resist the temptation to add dramatic music.

Modern telescopes like the Vera Rubin Observatory in Chile and the soon-to-launch Nancy Grace Roman Space Telescope generate enormous datasets specifically so professionals can rule out mundane explanations before drawing conclusions. Your phone camera deserves the same discipline.

3. Be precise about what you know

If you saw something unusual, say exactly that.

"I encountered an extraterrestrial civilization" is a rather stronger claim than "there was a very strange individual standing behind the gas station."

The distinction may become important. Garrett has noted that a genuinely convincing technosignature would most likely be a very narrow-bandwidth signal, since those are hard to explain as natural emissions from stars or planets — everything else invites alternative explanations first.

4. Don't speculate

The new principles call for unconfirmed conclusions to be clearly identified as such. So: Good: "It appeared to communicate with me." Less good: "It wants our water." Definitely premature: "We have established diplomatic relations."

5. Give the scientists some time

The protocols recognize that verification may take considerable time — potentially involving peer review and a full scientific paper before anything is confirmed. Garrett has acknowledged that keeping something like this quiet is nearly impossible once enough people are involved, but the goal is to be as sure as possible before going public, not to suppress it forever.

This is important because the rest of humanity will probably want an answer within about seven minutes. Try to resist helping them.

6. Don't speak for Earth

The updated principles call for international consultation before any response is sent to confirmed extraterrestrial intelligence. Garrett has argued that if astronomers don't take the lead in setting these norms, someone else — with rather less scientific caution — will end up writing the rules instead.

In other words, discovering an extraterrestrial does not automatically make you Earth's ambassador. You may, however, be the person who gets quoted in the first press conference. Choose your words carefully.

7. Especially if it's in your backyard

Garrett draws a real distinction worth borrowing: a faint signal from deep space is one thing, but evidence of advanced technology inside our own solar system is another matter entirely. If you find yourself in that second category, his advice is straightforward — do nothing rash. Observe passively, analyze quietly, and don't attempt contact on your own. That's not a decision for one excited person with a camera phone; it deserves a much bigger conversation first.

8. Finally, remember your manners

The scientific protocols deal with evidence, verification, communication, and international coordination. They say considerably less about basic etiquette.

So until further notice: Be polite. Keep your distance. Listen carefully. Don't make assumptions. After all, we have absolutely no idea what the extraterrestrial equivalent of bad manners might be.

The guidelines are real. The etiquette is ours.

h/t NotTheGlobe

WASHINGTON — Following President Trump's threat to "bomb the s--- out of" Oman if it interferes with U.S. efforts over the Strait of Hormuz, the White House has unveiled a simpler solution to global diplomacy: the "One Hat, One World» doctrine.

Every country has 90 days to make MAGA caps compulsory.

"It's very simple," Trump said. "You wear the hat, we're friends. Best friends. You don't wear the hat, we bomb you. Nobody wants that. But they make us do it."

A new Pentagon unit, the Bureau of Cap Verification (BCV), will use satellites to distinguish authentic MAGA red from "deep-state pink." A BCV spokesperson called the calibration process "extremely scientific, extremely classified, extremely red."

Oman's deadline has been moved up.

"Friday," Trump said.

One size, fully compliant

Canada asked if a red toque counts. France wants a beret exemption. Germany requested technical specifications. North Korea complied within the hour, distributing 26 million caps without being asked.

Canada has now been granted a 30-day extension after officials discovered that mandatory MAGA caps conflict with existing toque infrastructure.

The White House called the doctrine "the most beautiful foreign policy ever invented."

The hat comes in one size: compliant.

h/t NotTheGlobe

Nestled between the Matterhorn and several vineyards that produce more scandal than wine, the Swiss canton of Valais has quietly achieved something no nation, continent, or footballing dynasty has managed before: cornering the global market on FIFA presidents.

First came Sepp Blatter, born in Visp, who ran world football for 17 years with the transparency of a Toblerone wrapper. Then came Gianni Infantino, born in Brig — a town so close to Visp that locals reportedly argue over which bakery invented the modern conflict of interest.

"It's not nepotism, it's regional pride," said one local resident, who asked to remain anonymous, mostly because he was contractually obligated to. "In Valais, we don't have LinkedIn. We have christenings."

A Canton Built Different

Political scientists have long noted that Valais operates less like a democracy and more like a very scenic family business, where cousins inherit council seats the way other people inherit pocket watches. Analysts are now floating a new theory: that FIFA's top job is, in fact, a Valais municipal position that simply forgot to stay local.

"You have to understand the ecosystem," explained one Geneva-based governance expert, gesturing vaguely at a whiteboard covered in arrows pointing at nothing. "In Valais, if your uncle knows the right guy, you get the road repaved. If your uncle knows the very right guy, apparently you get 211 member federations and several billion dollars in broadcasting rights."

FIFA Responds

Reached for comment, FIFA reportedly issued a statement praising "the rich tradition of Swiss values — precision, discretion, and knowing exactly which documents to shred by which deadline."

Infantino himself, when asked whether growing up 15 minutes from his predecessor's hometown played any role in his rise, reportedly smiled the exact smile of a man who has been media-trained since infancy and said only that "Switzerland is a country that believes in institutions." He did not specify which century's institutions.

The Real Question

As FIFA continues to face allegations of financial mismanagement and back-room dealing that would make a raclette dinner blush, one has to ask the obvious question: is it really a coincidence that world football's steering wheel keeps ending up in the hands of two men who could, in theory, carpool?

Locals insist it's simply that Valais produces exceptional administrators, citing the canton's centuries of experience managing intensely complicated water rights between neighboring villages — a skill set that, it turns out, translates surprisingly well to managing intensely complicated football politics between neighboring continents.

Others have a simpler theory: that in a small alpine valley where everyone already knows everyone, "conflict of interest" was never really in the local dialect to begin with.

Findings and Recommendations of the Joint Committee on Passenger Safety Communications Realism

Submitted to the Subcommittee on Aviation Optics

Classification: Internal Draft, Not for Public Release (Third Revision)

1. Background

This Committee was convened following the 14th consecutive passenger satisfaction survey in which travelers reported feeling "personally deceived" upon comparing the safety briefing card to actual turbulence experienced during beverage service. The Committee's mandate is narrow: determine whether current safety demonstration materials reflect operational reality, and if not, recommend corrections.

They do not. The Committee's findings follow.

2. Summary of Current Materials

The Committee reviewed the standard safety card distributed across the fleet. It depicts a family of four — mother, father, and two children of indeterminate but photogenic age — evacuating a fully involved aircraft emergency via inflatable slide. All four individuals are smiling. The father's necktie remains knotted. No one's shoes have come off. The younger child appears to be enjoying herself.

The Committee finds this depiction to be, in the words of Commissioner Alvarez, "actionably serene."

The accompanying safety video was also reviewed. It features a professional actor performing "calm compliance" while gesturing toward exit rows with the open-palmed warmth of someone modeling watches. Passengers in the animated evacuation sequence deplane in single file, at a walking pace, with their arms raised as though queuing for a moderately popular amusement ride.

The Committee's consultants, six survivors of prior emergency evacuations who volunteered for interview, were shown this video. Four of the six laughed. One cried. One asked to leave the room.

3. Findings

3.1 — On the matter of smiling:

No consultant reported smiling. Several reported the opposite of smiling. One consultant, a retired geologist, described her own face during evacuation as "a shape I did not know it could make." The Committee recommends the removed smiles not be replaced with frowns, which would be equally inaccurate, but with the specific blankness observed in adrenal shutdown — a face the Committee has taken to calling, informally, "the seatback face."

3.2 — On the matter of the roller bag:

Every consultant, without exception, either personally carried a bag off the aircraft against instruction or witnessed another passenger do so. One consultant recalled a man three rows ahead of her pausing mid-evacuation to retrieve a laptop bag from an overhead bin that had, by his own later account, "popped open a little, and I just reacted." The Committee recommends this behavior be depicted plainly, not as an example to follow, but because passengers who have never seen it happen do not believe they are capable of it, and are therefore unprepared for the ten seconds it costs the person behind them.

3.3 — On the matter of the brace position:

Current materials show a single seated adult, alone, folding forward with the unhurried posture of a person about to nap. No materials depict the brace position as it is actually assumed: amid noise, beside strangers, several of whom are praying audibly, one of whom — per two separate consultant accounts — is repeating a name that is not the name of anyone seated near them.

3.4 — On the matter of exit selection:

Existing materials show orderly, near-empty aisles. Committee research indicates that in an actual cabin evacuation, at minimum one exit will be blocked, misjudged, or simply the object of a stampede because it was nearest, regardless of whether it was the correct exit. The Committee recommends demonstration material include at least one depiction of a crowd surging toward a closed exit before self-correcting, because current materials imply this will not happen, and it reliably does.

3.5 — On the matter of water landings:

The seat cushion, when tested by the Committee's engineering liaison in a controlled pool environment at a temperature comparable to the North Atlantic in November, provided flotation. It did not provide warmth, comfort, visibility, or the ability to stop shaking. The Committee recommends the phrase "may be used as a flotation device" remain accurate and unembellished, and that no further claims be implied by tone of voice.

4. Recommendation

The Committee recommends production of a revised safety video, working title *What Will Actually Happen*, depicting: raised voices; at least one dropped shoe; a child separated from a parent for four seconds that will feel, to that parent, like several minutes; a flight attendant repeating a single instruction seven times before it is heard; and an ending in which passengers reach the tarmac not smiling, not composed, but alive, which the Committee considers the only outcome that actually needs advertising.

The Committee does not recommend removing all reassurance from the material. It recommends removing the lie that reassurance requires composure. A passenger who has been shown, once, what panic actually looks like on another human face is a passenger less likely to be paralyzed by the discovery that it is happening to their own.

5. Dissenting Opinion (Commissioner Whitfield)

Commissioner Whitfield dissents in part, arguing that a video accurately depicting cabin chaos may itself induce the panic it is meant to prepare travelers against, and that airlines have historically preferred materials that do not cause passengers to request refunds before boarding. The majority acknowledges this tension and notes only that the current materials solve it by lying, and recommends the industry find a second way.

6. Closing Note

The Committee wishes to state, for the record, that it does not believe the smiling family on the safety card was ever malicious. It believes they were aspirational, in the manner of a diet advertisement, or a wedding photograph, or any image commissioned to depict the best version of an event nobody actually wants to attend. The Committee simply recommends that, on this particular subject, the truth is not only survivable — it is the safer thing to show.

Respectfully submitted for further review.

In a world of too much, one beverage dares to give you nothing.

Introducing Coke⁵ — zero everything: no sugar, no caffeine, no carbonation, no color, no taste.

It’s not a soft drink.

It’s not even a flat drink.

It’s silence in a bottle.

Water that has read the room, considered the possibilities, and decided not to fizz about it.

INDEPENDENT LAB FINDINGS

Certified Testing Partners LLC confirms: Coke⁵ contains no detectable flavor compounds, no measurable pH deviation from tap water, and — in one technician's notes, which legal has asked us to include verbatim — "I genuinely cannot tell if the sample was submitted."

We consider this our strongest endorsement to date.

TASTING NOTES

Notes of nothing.

Undertones of the same nothing, now served completely still, because even the bubbles gave up.

A remarkably clean finish that suggests nothing ever happened — and, more importantly, nothing is currently happening in your mouth.

THE INGREDIENTS

Water.

“Coke” printed on the label for legal reasons.

That’s it.

We asked our product development team whether we should add anything else.

They said no.

Then they went home.

COLOR

None.

We originally wanted the liquid to be invisible and the can to be transparent, but market research showed that consumers “need something to hold.”

So we kept the aluminum.

Barely.

WHY DRINK IT?

Because sparkling water was too much of a statement.

Because you don’t want your beverage to have opinions, textures, flavors, calories, stimulants, or fizz-based enthusiasm.

Because sometimes you want hydration without the burden of having to experience it.

Coke⁵ is hydration as a personal statement:

“I could have had effervescence.

I chose this instead.”

TESTIMONIALS

“I opened the can and heard nothing. Not even a hiss. I’ve never felt so understood.”

— Brenda, 42

“Tastes like the room-temperature glass of water you forgot on your nightstand three days ago.”

— Gary, 58, Nutritionist

“It’s not a drink. It’s a lifestyle. Specifically, the lifestyle of someone who has stopped expecting anything to happen.”

— Anonymous focus-group participant, staring at the wall

TAGLINES WE CONSIDERED

“Coke⁵: Zero Bubbles. Zero Buzz. Zero Point.”

“Flat. Clear. Silent. Yours.”

“Why Fizz When You Can… Not?”

“The Diet Coke of Diet Cokes of Diet Cokes. Now Even Flatter.”

“Coke⁵: Nothing, Perfected.”

But ultimately, we felt the most authentic expression of the brand was simply:

"Coke⁵ — The Absence You Deserve."

Coke⁵.

Now with absolutely nothing to lose.

In what officials are calling a bold reimagining of the arrival experience, Thailand's main Suvarnabhumi Airport in Bangkok has quietly rebranded its now-legendary immigration queues as an "Immersive Mindfulness Corridor," offering international visitors what a spokesperson described as "four to six hours of uninterrupted spiritual development, absolutely free of charge."

"We looked at the data," said a representative from the Airports of Thailand Meditation Readiness Task Force, gesturing vaguely at a laminated chart showing wait times trending upward since 2019. "And we asked ourselves: why apologize for something that could instead be marketed as premium wellness content?"

The program, unofficially dubbed "Dukkha Class" by exhausted backpackers, invites travelers to stand in switchback lines for the length of a short domestic flight while contemplating the impermanence of all things — including their connecting flights. Airport monks were reportedly considered for the rollout but declined, citing "already pretty good at waiting, don't need the practice."

Tourism Minister spokespeople have leaned into the framing. "In Thailand, we believe the journey is the destination," one press release stated, before quietly adding in a footnote that the destination, in this case, is also the journey, and also possibly customs.

Visitors have responded with what organizers are calling "authentic emotional presence." One Australian tourist, four hours into the queue and two hours past his hotel check-in window, was overheard achieving what witnesses described as "a genuinely convincing simulation of inner peace," moments before asking, loudly, whether there were "seriously only eight desks open for a plane of four hundred people."

A German family of five reported reaching what they called "stage three of grief" by the time they hit the fingerprint scanners, though airport officials prefer the term "stage three of samsara," which they say sounds more intentional and less like a complaint.

Not everyone is convinced the spiritual branding fully addresses the underlying scheduling issue. "I appreciate the reframe," said one visibly enlightened Canadian traveler, sitting cross-legged on his suitcase near immigration lane 14, "but I would also appreciate a ninth desk."

Airport officials have promised improvements, tentatively scheduled to arrive "within this lifetime, or the next," and have floated plans for a gift shop near the e-Gate queues selling incense, cooling towels, and small laminated cards reading "This Too Shall Pass — Eventually, Probably, We're Working On It."

At press time, four hundred newly arrived tourists remained deep in contemplation, achieving, by all accounts, a level of patience previously reserved for actual monastics — and a level of jet lag previously reserved for nobody, ever.

This alert again… when will there be a solution for timezone changes?