ive managed to abstain from checking my weight since june (yay!!) and yesterday when i went to get weighed, i was explaining the situation to the nurse (that although it was 6:00 am, id already had like half a litre of fluids bc of glucogel i had to drink bc my blood sugar was low, so thatd add to the weight pls add that to the notes etc etc." and also "PLEASE dont tell me what I weigh, this attempt at recovery i dont want a definite starting point to hang on to and compare myself to (rather than just looking at the situation as "huh. i gained weight and i dont like that but its what had to happen for my health" rather than "naurrr i gained [exact weight] this is the end of the world". but she misheard me (honest mistake on her part i believe her) and thought i said TO TELL ME the weight and she did. the worst part is that i thought i was maybe at a somewhat healthier level than i was at my worst in june last year just based by looks but it turns out im pretty much the exact same i was back then and ive been in hospital since wednesday. i dont know how its gotten this bad again. im baffled and confused and feeling betrayed on how i was planning to try this attempt at recovery. i dont know where to go from here.

the hardest thing is that now that i know the weight, its making it harder to eat because i want to keep that number. when i didnt know the number, it was easier. now im stuck clinging to this again :( how do i stop. i was more comfortable with the idea of my weight changing when i wouldnt have the knowledge of "ok i weigh exactly this much more"

carrots. im too fucking scared to eat carrots now.
they were one of the few foods i could eat at work without it being some sort of horrific concoction so i can look kind of sane but nope, I weighed a small carrot and googled the cals and it turns out it has the same amount i was mentally thinking a large one has (I don’t use a formal calorie tracking app and haven’t in over 1.5 years, I was in recovery sort of for a bit after having to be in hospital on and off for like a year over the past 3 years but im relapsing atm). it’s so dumb but im spiralling over this. I also have (diagnosed) ocd and this realisation that ive not been In Control ™️ this entire time is making me go crazy.

i did this to myself with bananas as well a while back lmfao, smoothies with a frozen banana, sugarfree 0 fat yoghurt and sweetener or sugarfree hot chocolate powder used to be one of my very few safe meals that actually kept me full rather than just like idfk a whole head of lettuce. i just never learn i guess.

im hoping for another long term ED ward admission soon since when it gets bad, being forced to abstain from exercise and being forced to eat is the only thing that works. hopefully i can kind of keep myself going until then and then make it actually last when i get discharged (last time i got discharged i told my family i didn’t get a meal plan, took all of the lorazepam i was given, walked down to the Bunnings down the street and bought myself a pair of scales to start the cycle all over again, then overdosed lmfao).

signed, a grown man who’s now officially too scared to eat carrots 🥕

it’s so tempting to skip eating when my family’s not there to hold me accountable to my meal plan. honestly im tempted to throw out the rest of my meal but im going to get through it and persist

he stopped practicing about a month ago (i have to go for weekly weighins and blood tests) and i assumed he was burnt out (he’s discussed dealing with burnout before, and since he was fully stopping practicing rather than moving clinics i figured this was the reason). it turns out he was taken in for taking these horrible creep shots.

the absolute sickest thing is, when he was being escorted by police, he was shielding his face with a piece of cardboard that said “john 8:7, let him who is without sin cast the first stone”. like dude. do not try to palm this off as a casual offence.

have you ever had someone in your life unexpectedly turn out to be horrible?

almost every mii, i swear, when i feed them either iberian ham or parma ham, it ends up being one of their top 1 or 2 most enjoyed foods or one of their all time favourites. they’re all freaks for ham. lady gaga. anthony albanese. trixie mattell. my boss. they all want ham

(ok well nonbinary person but masc leaning)
ive been struggling to find a reason to recover even though i know how much this has ruined my family and my life. but i want to do things with this person. i want to go out to eat. i want to get coffee. i want to be able to sleep over and have toast or a bowl of cereal with milk not water. i want to be normal and able to give someone attention they deserve instead of all my thoughts being about food and what im going to eat next and exercising.

idk where to start. got discharged from long term IP about 2.5 months ago but immediately relapsed and stopped following my meal plan. I don’t know my weight anymore but i know ive lost a lot. where should i start? i cant go into detail bc of the rules but idk if going to the exact meal plan i was given on discharge would be medically safe, given that it took me 2 months inpatient to get to that level before i relapsed in the first place

(ok well nonbinary person but masc leaning)
ive been struggling to find a reason to recover even though i know how much this has ruined my family and my life. but i want to do things with this person. i want to go out to eat. i want to get coffee. i want to be able to sleep over and have toast or a bowl of cereal with milk not water. i want to be normal and able to give someone attention they deserve instead of all my thoughts being about food and what im going to eat next and exercising.

idk where to start. got discharged from long term IP about 2.5 months ago but immediately relapsed and stopped following my meal plan. I don’t know my weight anymore but i know ive lost a lot. where should i start?

m25, still live at home due to medical conditions (anorexia and controlled epilepsy through medication)

it’s 19:44 and he just came inside after 10-12 minutes I could hear him out there.
i swear im not insane. he has a lung condition which means he clears his lungs every 20-30 seconds, which ive learned to tune out somewhat but is still noticeable. my window faces onto the verandah. he’s been standing out there in the dark, and i can hear him. I don’t know why he’s watching me, I think he was trying to catch me doing something weird?

my parents have always been super strict/overprotective. i don’t do any drugs at home ever (never done any hard drugs, only tried smoking weed a couple of times at a friends but it didn’t really do much for me so I don’t bother, had mdma once in like 2021 but you get the idea, not an issue for me), i drink but not in excess, and i did just pour myself the remnants of a bottle of an almost empty bottle of soju left over from a night out with friends last night. (which im regretting because what if he saw me while watching me and yells at me) im not promiscuous or get up to any debauchery.

I closed my blinds (which I never do for some reason, only close my curtains) and he went inside and I heard him talking to my mum about something in the hallway but I couldn’t catch what. if he was out there (which im 99% certain he was), he would’ve seen me close the blinds which is out of character.

i know it seems dumb that im 25 (just turned a couple of days ago lol) but my parents have always been sticklers to the rules my entire life (no junk food (or even packaged food), no drinking even as an adult, god forbid drugs, no staying out late, no bad grades etc) and it’s kind of messed me up.

if I bring this up, ill definitely look insane and paranoid, if I don’t, im just going to spiral on this. so confused ugh. what do I do from here?

edit: I have a job, but it’s at a school and its school holidays. i do have the funds to move out, but ive been considering going part time with my job in order to pursue a masters degree part time in the field i already have a diploma in. and although im passively suicidal and don’t really care what happens to me, i know those around me would be worried that ill have a seizure when im alone or that ill relapse in my anorexia and start starving myself again (valid, im kind of relapsing lately but im taking my epilepsy medication and everything) explanation of my congenital brain condition if that’s relevant to this. yes, this is the first time this has happened

yesterday my dad & i got coffee (around brunch time) & a lady ordered one of those “build ur own egg toast” things & got almost all the addons (that cost like $4-8 each, like salmon, spinach, mushrooms, sun dried tomatoes, halloumi), and proceeded to eat one (1) slice of halloumi and left all the rest. what was her deal?

you could’ve had a $11 poached eggs and toast but you made it a $26 eggs and toast and slice of halloumi (adding halloumi as a side came with 4 slices for $8).

is it the ozempic? are people ordering food just to get insta pics? this lady was middle aged and didnt take photos, mind you, she didn't even offer any to her friend she was dining with. especially with cost of living being so high here in melbourne, it's crazy to me. this isn't even a rare sight to me, i can't stop noticing it. i hope the cafe staff at least get to much on the leftovers, it must produce so much food waste.

i'm a library technician in the senior school of a k-12 private school in VIC.

we have a bunch of year 12s sitting a makeup SAC (school assessed coursework) this afternoon after school. of course, they all want to borrow dictionaries. one student comes up with a thesaurus asking to borrow it. i double check with him that he definitely wants a thesaurus, and not a dictionary. his words to me: "what's a thesaurus?". this is an EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD, about to do an end of term test, for ENGLISH. at an AFFLUENT PRIVATE SCHOOL WITH AN INCREDIBLE ACADEMIC REPUTATION. what is happening. gotta laugh or you'll cry...

threw out my scales on wednesday 💪 (lol fucking embarrassing, buying them was the first thing I did after getting discharged from inpatient) and my parents aren’t home and I so badly want to check what I weigh. I’ve been allowing myself slightly more since then, since there’s no way for me to check the “damage” or “consequences” but rn I so badly want to see what’s happened to my weight. pls help me not crash out and do unhinged shit like doordash from bunnings i swear this disorder is an actual humiliation ritual.

also should i come clean to my family that I actually DID receive a meal plan at discharge and lied about that? i feel bad but at the same time it’s so scary

week three inpatient for ana (third attempt at this program) and DXA results just came in and well. call me old man mcdeadtyped. negative 2.2, meaning osteopoenia bordering on osteoporosis.

no idea how im gonna tell my parents this (i know i legally dont have to but it'd probably be important for them to know as theyre my emergency contact for when i have epileptic seizures which.... would be dangerous with this bone density).

so yeah. even if you think its not going to affect you (been in quasi recovery for a year, active recovery for 4 weeks) because your safe foods include greek yoghurt or tofu or leafy greens....... youre not safe 🫠