u/denimcanvas

Me and my sister dont talk much lately, I try to keep limited contact with her. Mostly due to her drinking, and her calling me usually stresses me out to a point that I cant handle. Shes a very manipulative and emotionally immature person, which makes it hard to talk to her.

I came out to my family as trans back in December, mostly due to my dad flat out asking me if I was trans. When I told my sister all she had to say was “oh god” and then when I asked her to call me he, she basically refused, saying it was too difficult since she sees me as a she.

Its been 6 months and she still has never said he despite me asking several times. She also still calls me by a nickname ive told her makes me uncomfortable and I dont go by it anymore. However my dad has started to make an effort to call me he which I appreciate.

But my reason for posting, my sister called my dad yesterday and told him to tell me to call her. She had already called me and I ignored the call but then she called me again and I answered. We talked for a bit and I tried my best to ignore our issues so I wouldn’t start a fight with her.

She ended up asking me if I wanted anything for my birthday thats next week and I told her no. She then said “im willing to get you anything that will make you happy or make your life happier or easier” and I could weirdly already tell what she was about to say when she said “make my life happier” and I laughed uncomfortably. She then said “idk just saying if you wanted a binder or something id get it for you” I was shocked she even knew what a binder was.

I sort of left it at maybe. Bc im not sure. Part of me doesn’t want anything from her. And part of me doesnt want to be reminded of her when I wear a binder. But part of me has been wanting a binder. And part of me is inclined to believe that “hey atleast shes trying to be supportive?” Like I feel like shes still going to call me she and then act like im being a jerk when I correct her and then hold it over my head that she got me a binder, how could she be transphobic?? And im scared shes just trying to buy my love at this point. Shes tried to in a lot of ways actually.

I just idk.. has anyone dealt with family situations like this? How do you navigate it?

So im almost 26, and im an unsuccessful mentally ill artist. (Tbf Ive had a crazy past 4-5 years) Its not that my art is bad, Im constantly being told im really talented and havent really heard anything bad about my art, its just my executive functioning is garbage and im constantly criticizing myself and refraining from “getting out there.”

I know I need a change and I need to have an actual career. I could probably have a successful career in art but I dont know how or where to start or how to keep that momentum. Ive done markets and a couple shows and they were fulfilling to an extent but it feels like its not something I could live on monetarily, ya know?

I never went to college and sometimes I think I should go to college just to have a degree that maybe I could put on a resume to get a decent paying job. Or just to give myself something to work towards, or say that I did something actionable with my life. I know it would make my dad proud, and probably less embarrassed of me, even if he wont admit that he is. Hes expressed that hed support me through furthering my education as he deeply respects that kind of thing. Also theres so many times Ill go out or meet people who went to college to get where theyre at and im jealous of their lives and think wow if only I went to college, id probably be happier and more independent and maybe have more friends.

But the thing is idk what I want to do and I also have certain limitations(I cant drive and am probably going to be doing mostly if not all, online classes)

I love art but theres so many conflicting opinions and reasons to and not to go to college for a fine arts degree. Would it make me hate art? (Maybe?) Couldnt I just build up a career on my own without an art degree? (Maybe?) Would it help me develop my skills?(i think yes) Would it actually help me get a job? (Idk) what kind of job can you even get with a fine arts degree? Should I pursue a specific career like graphic design or something? Also what kind of art programs can I even pursue online? Etc.

Ive also considered psychology. I have since highschool since the subject has always interested me heavily. I even took a semester of college psych senior year and I loved the class. I feel like its the more practical option tbh. Like I could atleast get a job as a counselor or therapist or something. Idk.

But then I think about how maybe I should go into marketing or something because I feel like thats definitely held me back in my art career. I dont know how to market myself/my art. Im terrible at it. I also find marketing to be quite interesting, mostly the psychological and social dynamics involved in it. But maybe if I learned more about it, I could better apply it to my work?

Im just kind of lost on what to do. I feel like I should go to college but I need help on what for as its a big decision, and I feel like I have to make the right one.

So I guess my question is, whats the smartest option so I can get a degree that maybe I can make something of a career for myself out of? Or do I need to just find a way to buck up and push myself to keep trying and full send on an art career without a degree?

Im just tired of living at home depressed, alone, with no direction and a fear that my dad is going to die and im going to have nothing to show for my life and no where to go.

For context: [Back at the start of 2025, I made one of the worst decisions of my life. I moved out for the first time to live all the way across the country, to live in a major city, with some friends I had met online, who convinced me to live with them and that theyd help me start my life and build up my career. When I got there I realized my friends were not how they portrayed themselves to be, and were actually some the most abusive and violent people ive ever met. I tried my best to stay out of the house most of the time to avoid their fighting and abusive antics. (Theyd be screaming at the top of their lungs and throwing things at eachother, name calling eachother and then me) when I was there I was constantly fawning. The whole thing practically sent me into a manic psychosis from the stress. I was singing to people on the street and thought I was made of magic and that my thoughts were creating real life events. It was bad. Eventually I realized I needed to move back to my home state to live with my dad, as I could not find a job and I could not find another place to live, and the home was getting increasingly more unstable. I came home extremely traumatized and with very little savings left.

I had vivid nightmares for atleast 6 months about the people I had lived with that I previously thought were my friends, and being lost in the city, or trying to get on a plane to go home and missing my flight or being stuck in their house, or them killing each other in front of me.

I thought the dreams had finally stopped since I had gone no contact and hadnt looked at their social medias for a very long time. (I stopped speaking to them the next day after I got home)and I also started going to therapy again. I was beginning to feel grateful to not be plagued by them anymore.]

Context over- now for the actual dream

But then last night I had another one.

In it, I had saved up some money again and told my dad I was going to try to move back there and make it work again. That my friends said they still had a place for me. I think in the dream I was manic again. Acting as if “oh I have everything all worked out and everything’s gonna be fine”, when I didnt really know shit. I get off the plane in the city and my friends meet me. They seem excited to see me but their faces are hiding something but I cant place it. We get back to their house and its actually a house, not an apartment like previously irl. They lead me through it and are saying theyre so glad im back, and at one point I started crying and freaking out and asking if I was crazy and had made another huge mistake by coming back. My friend who was previously the worst to me, stopped me and hugged me while I was sobbing and said everything was going to be okay and that I wasnt making a mistake and doing whats best for me. I thanked them for their kindness.

Then all of a sudden were in their driveway. And the driveway is way longer than a driveway should be, almost like an alley- it is full of tents and broken down cars that are covered in blankets and curtains and mattresses used as tent walls. Most of the tents and cars are occupied by children and little families. Im increasingly concerned and confused on why they have all these people living in their driveway.

Then we make it to an empty car missing its doors, with a child size mattress stuffed inside. “This is going to be your space” is what my friend told me. In shock I didnt know what to say.

All of a sudden a child, clearly underfed, came up to me who was living in the adjacent tent, and said “you can keep me company, ill be your new friend and you can read to me” i guess I panicked and said okay. Because all of a sudden me and this kid were packed in this car together reading comic books.

At one point I started freaking out again and kept trying to call another friend who is still my friend irl and knows everything about what happened. He wouldnt answer. I felt terribly.

I called my dad in a crying panic and relayed to him everything that was going on and how I had just made the worst mistake of my life AGAIN. I dont remember how the call ended or what he said in response.

I think it then switched to my “friend” asking if I wanted to go out shopping with them and the other “friend”who lived there as well as one of the homeless people in the driveway. I was shocked they asked me at all so I said yes. We started walking and my friends were walking really fast ahead of me and I couldn’t keep up. The homeless person was walking closer to me as they felt bad I was getting left behind, and tried to tell them to slow down. One of them got really angry by this and just yelled “if they cant keep up thats their fucking problem” and disappeared into the crowd of people on the sidewalk.

Thats the last thing I remember.

>!So l've (25 he/him) been on grindr for a minute since I started t recently and have been horny as all hell, and I think I finally found a guy I feel comfortable with potentially hooking up with.!<

>!Like hes around my age and seems normal and like he wouldn't murder me be ngl thats a big fear of mine. Were supposed to meet up tomorrow at a cafe and then do some stuff in his car, which is not ideal but neither of us can at either of our places. I dont think hes a chaser (thank fucking god ive had so many msg me on that app and each one makes me so uncomfortable) I think hes just possibly one of those gay guys that doesnt care, or atleast I hope so.!<

>!Tbh im a bit nervous though. I havent had a hookup or sex in literal years. Like ive been on dates here and there but nothing physical and the last time I had sex w someone they were afab and we were in a relationship and that was like 2023. But this past year ive been going out more and since starting T and being out as a trans guy, I just feel more confident and willing to get out there.!<

>!After perusing this sub briefly tho, I feel like I def should have asked if hes okay with PiV sex, bc th I prefer it but I didnt even know the acronym before reading it here.!<

>!But idk I was just wondering if anyone had any tips for a guy whos newly out and starting his transition when it comes to hooking up w cis guys or just hookups in general.!<

This is kind of a silly post but started t recently (took my 3rd shot today) and just wanted to share something I didnt expect thats happened since I started:

I sleep shirtless like 80% of the time now.

I was never comfortable sleeping without a shirt pre-t, it was always a weird sensation and I just needed a loose t shirt on to be comfortable. Now tho, idk if its a body temp thing or what but I feel like I cant get comfortable with a shirt on when trying to sleep. Like even the blankets almost feel too heavy/thick on me sometimes. I feel like a baked potato wrapped in aluminum foil.

It makes me think of all my ex boyfriends before I came out whod say they only slept in their boxers and that I should try it. I always thought they were just trying to see me sleep naked and see my chest but now im like oh no it was probably just their normal. (Or prob both) Because now im the guy who sleeps in only his boxers. Weirdly affirming tbh.

Oh and Ive started making my dads concentration face (like when hes reading something or trying to figure something out, he sticks his tongue out and to the side and I always thought it was weird as hell) which that… needs to stop. Its so bad lmao. Caught myself doing it earlier and I said “oh hell no” (i know this isnt actually a t thing but it makes me laugh to think it is- like I am unfortunately, my fathers son)