u/emocat420

I'm going to be honest. I can't fucking take it anymore, the autstic burnout +the CPTSD.

Nope I'm not one of those smart autistic. Just normal, can't work autistic. I don't want to get into my struggle with work, not like people will believe me anyways. Shit most non autstic people, know genuinely fuck all about how autism works. Yet they'll yap it up and make me feel lesser. Like I don't already feel like shit.

I try and I try and I try. I try really fucking hard, to the point I didn't have access to therapy and through pure self help, I don't qualify for a BPD diagnose anymore. Why?! Because my BPD was hurting my partner. This shows I fucking try, it's so so hard to fix an issue like that.

But of course the disabilty always comes to fuck me. I can't work my way out of this. I can't just suddenly be able to function under this economic system.

I'm tired of trying, the last autistic burnout I had from working , ruined me. I'm in skill regression and I can't do half the shit I was able to do before. I get panic attacks at the thought of getting another job again. I'm really not built for this shit. But of course the world has made it clear no one gives a shit.

No one wants to give me their tax dollars for me to live. It doesn't matter how much love and care I spread into the world because it will always be the same. I can't work so I'm less deserving of living.

It doesn't matter that I'm the kind of person who would give a homeless person the fucking shirt off of her back. It doesn't matter because in the end people above me will always look down on me and think I'm not deserving to live.

So whatever, everyone wins!! No more burden on your tax dollars! I mean what other choice was there? I go homeless, I burn out again which was traumatizing as shit, or I go on disability. Which btw isn't even an option cause they don't think my level of autism is disabling enough....funny

Nobody believes me....no one besides other autistic people who are also in the same spot. I have searched for hours for resources for me...nothing. No one wants to help me, because it's clear they think I'm fucking unless. It's shown everywhere, in everyone's faces. If I can't work, I don't deserve to live. I can't work.

So in the morning, whenever I leave my bfs house and go home. I'm going to drive somewhere quiet and overdose. I'm sorry I know there's a lot of people on this subreddit I do care for. But I think it's goodbye for real this time, I'm sure this is the right choice. No one, who knows me can rightfully say I didn't try. I love you guys, this is the only place I've ever felt safe to talk about my trauma in full. I fucking love you guys.

I know there's no stats but I'm curious about others'thoughts.

I doubt it's very low considering that, im high functioning (although with terrible cptsd) and worked an easy job for a year. During the job my burnout slowly got so bad I was struggling to do basic self care test.

I see how someone with higher autstic needs than me could struggle to the point of being at risk.

I wonder if the amount of deaths are mostly from ending ones life, or lacking the ability to care for one's self.

So burnt out, just quit my job around a month ago after a year of working(longest I've kept a job). It was ruining my mental health terribly with constant meltdowns (don't want to go into detail about what happens during the meltdowbs and make the post too depressing). I have a new job and I'm still not recovered from burnout anywhere near fully. That shit just makes me cry...I know I sound childish. But I have to say it out loud, I'm scared. I'm scared of working again because I'm scared of going into burnout again. I've never lost control over myself like that and honestly it gives me the same feelings as my CPTSD. Only a loser like me could get trauma from a stupid easy job.

Which mind you, all my coworkers loved me and I was a great employee. I just kept burning out and I would push through. But I just started fucking losing it, I genuinely thought I was losing my mind.

It's shameful because I am really smart and people do seem to enjoy me. I can play the perfect, sweet cute smart college girl. But I'll cry in my community college bathroom, I'll have meltdowns in the car. I'll snap at work after a few months and end up melting down publicly. Thannn I'll play it off, I'll just straight up fucking lie. Not like telling them I'm autistic is an option. I'm good at what I do, they'll believe me. But at some point, I keep calling out. By the time I give up I can barely get out of bed and I sleep most of the day and stop eating.

Y'all I'm cooked😬

For example, I love learning about true crime including shooters. For the average person that sounds very concerning, but I'm curious about their mental states. I'm more curious about what could be done to stop them and how we can stop things like that from happening.

I don't mention it to people of course, because I know some weirdos do defend that stuff. I want to make it clear I'm not one of them.

I also have a special interest in incels. I don't interact with them or defend them by any means. I just often wonder how a person could be that way. How someone who was once a little boy could grow up to be so cruel and hateful.

I see everyone else has gone through much more terrible things, yet a lot of them seem to be able to do more than me. Am I just weak? Are those people lying about how good their lives are? Did they in some messed up way "get lucky"?

I'm sure being autistic has a lot to do with it, can't mask, can't fucking work without acting like a fool. If I work too much I burn out and end up having violent meltdowns like a fucking toddler.

I don't see how I'll ever be able to work and take care of myself. Did I mention I'm only 1 level 🫪. I feel like the universe just wants me to die.

I have a well known disability and the resources I need simply do not exist, if I'm level 1 and can barely make it. I have 0 resources and am having regular meltdowns , how TF is someone who's for example level 2. Be able to survive, I think about them a lot.

I'm a capable, smart, technically "high functioning", no IQ issues fucking adult. Yet I can't do shitttttt🫤

For me, I fucking love them. My favorite way to eat them is a big scoop over white rice. Let all the pickled onion juice soak into the rice🤤

I'm a bit scared honestly. Everyone,everywhere seemed to tell me to push through the burnout. I don't blame them, what else could they tell a 20 year old who already worked a very simple job. I pushed myself so hard, most people wouldn't even know I'm autistic meeting me. But before work I was at the limit where I was having violent meltdowns, the thoughts of ending my life were very often. I was genuinely hitting a breaking point, I've never once hit before.

I'm scared to work again, I really don't want that to happen again. Ever since I quit the job, my burnout had been getting better but I feel "more autistic" than ever. Saturday, I had to leave the movie theater and almost had a meltdown, due to sensory overload. I've also been able to handle noises and sounds. I cannot mask for more than short interactions, it's harder for me to control my stimming. It's harder for me to drive. For fuck sake, I can't even go in two different stores in public without being done for the day.

I've also been much more scared to talk to people, I've been struggling more with simple social interactions. I'm still trying in life but I'm so worried for myself. I wished I never listen to everyone, I genuinely think it would have been better for my mental health to be homeless 🫤.

Keep in mind I don't have any autistic support. I am also a hard worker, at every job I put out preform everyone...

Till the mask starts to crack, I burnout and I start having everyday meltdowns. I have terrible CPTSD and I think working that damn job just added too it.

Not even really looking for advice, just empathy.

I'm 20 and I'll choose an eccentric 50 year old, over most 20 year olds any day. I think it's cause I still love having fun, but I also need my chill time. Like of course I want to get drunk with you and your husband for your dinner party, that you perfectly hosted. That over the club any day!

Like I genuinely think my best friend is waiting out there and she's a 50 year old lady😂.

I'm a 20 year old woman, I love wearing pink, I love pig tails, I love wearing stuff such as mezzo piano shirts. I'm deadass childish, I love kids shows and my little pony. I drop shit I go oopsie, automatically. I always giggle.

That is me unmask, that is me through ages of trying to unmask. Yes it's a stereotype that autistic people are childish, one that's wrong for many. But it's correct for me, I'm an adult either way. I'm not emotionally childish by any means.

So I'm very confused why I keep seeing women try to accuse other women of attracting pedos for the same stuff I do. I often see clothes made for adult women, that's just cute. Get fucking slammed on, like these women get bullied. BY OTHER WOMEN?!?

To be clear these women are not doing any Bella Delphine stuff and neither am I🤢. So it's very concerning that these are the people getting attacked. I think it also triggers me cause these people attack under "we have to protect kids from being assaulted".

But as someone who's been through quite a bit of childhood sexual abuse, I don't understand how that's supposed to help women like me. I don't do it for men, my boyfriend actually doesn't like the style too much. I don't do it to attract men, I don't do it to put down other women. I dress like that because it makes me happy. Then it feels like you post your outfit anywhere online and people's minds start abusing children.

Ever since I quit my job due to burnout around a month ago....everything else has improved. Suddenly, even though I am still very awkward I can feel like I can have connections with others. I've been eating better, I've been showering. My health has been coming first.

My relationships are improving, my school work is improving. It's genuinely like I added color into my life. I wake up either fine or happy, not the way I used to. Before working I used to always have terrible meltdowns shortly after waking up due to stress.

Of course my body and brain is still fucked up from all the masking and abuse from the world. But I'm here, I'm happy and I'm trying to take back control. Some people world burn out not to be homeless...which is fair. But after my burnout, I'd rather be homeless than burnout again. My burnout cycles with genuine torture 😭