u/emocat420

For a while I felt a lot of shame about it. I don't even think I've said it out loud before really. But I age regress due to trauma. My boyfriend knows I'm more on the childish side, but even he doesn't know I age regress. It's completely non sexual for me and a trauma response.

I'm starting to realize that's what makes me happy, I'm suffering daily. Yet denying my own happiness because of judgment?!? People don't like me anyways!

As long as I'm kind to others I don't see the goddamn problem if I'm childish. So I'm going to spill it all.

I love pre school shows, I love coloring books, I love playing with toys, I love plushies. I love wearing cute, bright pink clothes. I love sucking my thumb and no one's going to fucking stop me. I love the sensory feelings of wearing onesies.

I'm taking control of my own life, I'm going to be fully honest with him and tell him the truth sooner than later. He doesn't have to be a part of it, I just want him to know it's a part of me.

He's a very nice guy but part of me thinks even this will be too much for him. Which isn't bad, he's allowed to think it's too much. I just hope he doesn't rudely judge me or make fun of me if it is. Sadly both women and men seem to love to criticize people like me. So I've kept it inside for a while as to not be marked as a "creep" which I know I will even though this is NOT a kink for me or anything of the sort.

I'm fine with people not liking me or even finding me annoying. But not fine with people accusing me and others of such terrible stuff, especially stuff that I was a victim of as a child. It sucks that people who treat children badly have ruined it for the rest of us. But I'm going to be proud to be me no matter what.

I feel like people are expecting me to get better and ignoring the fact that I have another disability (autism). People are just getting tired of me being a burden. Being nice and sweet isn't enough anymore, I'm no longer cute enough for people to care. All they see is the fact I struggle with simple adult things and look down on me.

I just want to stop being judged because I can't contribute capitalism the same way others may be able too.

Yet if they saw the meltdowns after working, the way I genuinely go insane and become a danger to myself and others. They would look at me with disgust for not being able to control myself better. Me not working is controlling myself.

I cannot heal from this trauma and work. Shit I can't even work and keep myself showered and fed. Shit working and traumatizing myself again which is what everyone else wanted me to do. Was the worst thing I ever could have done.

I feel like I'm fucked up now, after working I regressed so terribly. I'm more disabled than when I started this mess. But I simply refuse to die.

I wanted to end my life over and over again. In fact some of you guys might even recognize me for that....

But I keep telling myself something that might sound dumb to others. "I'm a tough cookie and I refuse to crumble". Life is hard, so fucking hard for me. But I refuse to just die, I refuse to give society what they want. I'm going to live, burden or not. I just wish people would STFU about it.

Like yeah of course don't assume what others can and cannot do. But people are not asking me, they're just assuming I can do everything they do. Then when I communicate I can't, people seem to get frustrated with me. Even though I say from the start "I have autism".

This isn't even like I'm an asshole or anything. I spend 90% of my social interactions making sure I'm kind. But nope you tell people you can't work and suddenly it's "oh but my autistic brother can work".

I always think "ok, that's great for him. But genuinely what the fuck does that have to do with me". I just want to be treated like a person. I don't want to be stereotyped as a child who needs a hand holding with everything. But I also don't want to be stereotyped as someone who doesn't need help with anything because then I get labeled as lazy for needing help.

I feel this from friendships to any life opportunities. People hear autism and I guess try to assume what they think is the best. That I'm a savant and I can do everything NT people can just with more time. Then when I show signs of being disabled, their mind switches to I must be an idiot child.

I also can't work and do college at the same time or I burn out. Honestly I feel like such a loser for not being able to do more. But part of me feels scared because deep down I know it won't be enough for the world.

But I also know I should just be focusing on right now and doing the best I can with what I got

None of my abled bodied siblings cared or did anything to help when I was being abused by my mother. I understand an adult with their own life can't give anything but they couldn't even give me fucking emotional support.

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I resent them greatly now, honestly sometimes I imagine dying on their doorsteps. I wonder if they'd even care.

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Now I'm 20 and still doing very bad, I'm autistic and disabled and can't work. Guess what now no one is still coming to save me, no one gives a shit. I wish someone could help me but nope no one gives a shit

Nothing has made me feel like such a second class citizen, then we way America and the people treat me for not being able to work.

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Whenever I'm doing good in life that shit always puts me down, in fact it's pretty much impossible for me to have a good life. No one in the country cares, the ones who do can't do anything.

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It upsets me because it's hopeless because unlike other issues with the government the average person just simply does not care. They don't care if I'm able to pay rent, they don't care. I'm a free loader to them and it's something I will never truly understand.

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I can't do what they do and see people as lesser, id give people the shirt off my back. Yet....people will look right at me and money other disabled people and say "lol tough luck".

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This isn't even just hurtful, it kills us. It kills so many disabled people all the time. A lot of us will say "I work because I need to be homeless" what about the ones of us who just simply cannot keep up. Trying harder isn't an option, trying harder only puts some of us into burnout.

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There's just always something, this country has no resources for people like me. I can't wait till I end up homeless one day, end up a drug abuser due to overstimulation then have everyone laugh at me and call me a junkie in the street.

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Fuck this American dream and honestly fuck anyone who thinks this shit is fair. I'm going to make it through so somehow. But not without shitting on every one who left me to die. I'm tired of acting like this lack of support is anything else.

That's it, I just get such FOMO. I really want a real friend who's a women😭.

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I just wanna do basic girly stuff. I saw these friends in Walmart trying on new clothes the other day and I was kinda jealous.

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I'm a nice girl and I try to make friends, but I just never seem to be able to form a connection with others. I know I could be a great friend to someone if given the chance

It seems some people have the vibe of " see I'm not childish I deserve to be respected". Which is wrong, people deserve to be respected, it doesn't matter if they have childish interest or not.

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I often see autistic people say this in response to people treating them like children. No one deserves to be treated like a child....but you aren't better than the people who do have childish interest.

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I say childish interest because I'm not talking about being childish in a way of not respecting boundaries. I mean just being weird, coloring in public, carrying stuffed animals, wearing stuff such as my little pony shirts, watching cartoons and not just ones made for adults.

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It just pisses me off because I never expect others to have the same interest as me. As long as someone's interest doesn't hurt anyone I don't judge. Yet idk I feel like when ableism happens other autistic people will kinda throw the rest of us under the bus. It just feels like some people are desperate to prove their "one of the good ones"

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I see the same thing happen with working. NT would judge autstic people saying were burdens cause we can't work and autstic people will go "I can work I'm not a burden" and leave it at all.

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....like umm the rest of us also aren't burdens tf.

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I expect NT people to judge but it hurts different when it comes from your own people.

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Along with a nice pair of fangs, I live in a conservative shitwad state. Yet no one can make me feel bad for being a kemonomimi🦴💕. Puppygirl 4 life

That's it I hate working and can't get disability cause I'm level 1 and no one believes me. No point anyways, what's the point of begging for poverty scraps. It makes me feel pathetic, I'm a smart girl. I'm tired of begging for the scraps of humanity like a damn dog. Sorry more like a goddamn sludge monster cause no one wants to even give you the scraps. I'm tired of fucking struggle, going through these terrible meltdowns and burnout. Then see people every day that their tax dollars are genuinely worth more than my fucking life. Fuck I pay tax dollars too yk :/

I'm just genuinely losing it guys

Edit: before I get complaints from the government warriors, I don't just hate working. I burn out very easily and it puts me into VIOLENT meltdowns and long-term burnout, I'm still suffering from regression due to working for one whole year. I feel pathetic all ready I don't need to hear more about how I don't deserve benefits. (Not that y'all even do that here, I'm just on edge)

Plus I live in a conservative shit red state. Now to be clear that doesn't mean being black is easy, that doesn't mean discrimination is not heavy or not a big deal if it's for being black. It just means despite facing racism, on the same level as other black women in red state. I still face MORE discrimination for being autistic , it has caused me to lose even more opportunities

I can't mask super well either so that might be it. I'm very clearly seen as defective especially cause I struggle with working. Not even one side of the political spectrum even pretends to care about disabled people, I just see people screaming about how they don't want to give up their tax dollars and how I don't deserve them to live.

Now this is only speaking for myself to be clear. Without a doubt they are black autistic women who are more affected by racism than ableism. Don't use my experience to speak for other black women plz

I'm not high functioning. I'm tired of people using that term to deny me support.

Some autistic people are high functioning I'm not one of them.

Yes I'm level one, doesn't mean shit. I'm level one and still disabled, working is still the hardest and most harmful thing to my mental health. I still struggle with self care. I still have meltdowns where I hit myself. I still flap my hands.

I'm tired of people calling me high functioning, because of this shit I get no help. I get zero support, I'm happy some level 1 autistic can get by with little to no support. But fuckkk I'm not one of them and I wish people would stop assuming I am.

Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkk, I can't even go into the stupid ass grocery store any more. I had to start wearing ear defenders, I cant go in public more than like once a day or I'm shutdown for days. Great I fucking love this life.

I love the fact that NT people and other autistic people told me to keep working and keep trying (not you guys don't worry) now I'm fucking useless.

No advice needed because there's not really any secret advice or resources here. But I'm so fucked, I used to be the perfect level 1 girl.

But everyone wanted to to try because I had to get a job. Well now I can't even go to the grocery store, I cannot eat properly. I'm drowning and failing. It pisses me off because I would have failed either way.

The only way I wouldn't have failed is support, support that doesn't exist for me. Support that I don't get, even though I do deserve it. Genuinely fuck this bullshit country, fuck all of them. No one can blame me for getting bitter after trying so hard, so long.

I don't care if people don't believe that, I know at the end of the day I gave it my all and the world gave me nothing.

To keep it light, I pushed through burnout for a year. That's what NT and a lot of autistic advice I saw told me to do. I now realize I was in spaces that weren't the best😅.

But anyways, I kept working. To the point I was having daily meltdowns, including while driving.

After I finally quit a few months ago. I'm still not the same, I've regressed greatly. I was considered a functioning person at some point. But I was told by the world to work and work and keep trying. Now ig I'm just bitter idk.

It's the skill regression that really hurts me, the fact that I can't do a million more things without being overwhelmed now. I just started being able to actually care for myself again like eat and shower properly.

I genuinely think pushing through that burnout and forcing myself to work. It was the worst thing that could have happened to my mental health.

I fucking love Thomas the tank engine, I love my little pony, I love playing with toys, I love making slime. I love wearing pink, I fucking love fun graphic tees.

Yet I'm still an adult! Yes even when I stim to Thomas the tank engine. Or get a stupid smile on my face cause, I saw hello kitty.

I'm going to be honest. I can't fucking take it anymore, the autstic burnout +the CPTSD.

Nope I'm not one of those smart autistic. Just normal, can't work autistic. I don't want to get into my struggle with work, not like people will believe me anyways. Shit most non autstic people, know genuinely fuck all about how autism works. Yet they'll yap it up and make me feel lesser. Like I don't already feel like shit.

I try and I try and I try. I try really fucking hard, to the point I didn't have access to therapy and through pure self help, I don't qualify for a BPD diagnose anymore. Why?! Because my BPD was hurting my partner. This shows I fucking try, it's so so hard to fix an issue like that.

But of course the disabilty always comes to fuck me. I can't work my way out of this. I can't just suddenly be able to function under this economic system.

I'm tired of trying, the last autistic burnout I had from working , ruined me. I'm in skill regression and I can't do half the shit I was able to do before. I get panic attacks at the thought of getting another job again. I'm really not built for this shit. But of course the world has made it clear no one gives a shit.

No one wants to give me their tax dollars for me to live. It doesn't matter how much love and care I spread into the world because it will always be the same. I can't work so I'm less deserving of living.

It doesn't matter that I'm the kind of person who would give a homeless person the fucking shirt off of her back. It doesn't matter because in the end people above me will always look down on me and think I'm not deserving to live.

So whatever, everyone wins!! No more burden on your tax dollars! I mean what other choice was there? I go homeless, I burn out again which was traumatizing as shit, or I go on disability. Which btw isn't even an option cause they don't think my level of autism is disabling enough....funny

Nobody believes me....no one besides other autistic people who are also in the same spot. I have searched for hours for resources for me...nothing. No one wants to help me, because it's clear they think I'm fucking unless. It's shown everywhere, in everyone's faces. If I can't work, I don't deserve to live. I can't work.

So in the morning, whenever I leave my bfs house and go home. I'm going to drive somewhere quiet and overdose. I'm sorry I know there's a lot of people on this subreddit I do care for. But I think it's goodbye for real this time, I'm sure this is the right choice. No one, who knows me can rightfully say I didn't try. I love you guys, this is the only place I've ever felt safe to talk about my trauma in full. I fucking love you guys.

I know there's no stats but I'm curious about others'thoughts.

I doubt it's very low considering that, im high functioning (although with terrible cptsd) and worked an easy job for a year. During the job my burnout slowly got so bad I was struggling to do basic self care test.

I see how someone with higher autstic needs than me could struggle to the point of being at risk.

I wonder if the amount of deaths are mostly from ending ones life, or lacking the ability to care for one's self.

So burnt out, just quit my job around a month ago after a year of working(longest I've kept a job). It was ruining my mental health terribly with constant meltdowns (don't want to go into detail about what happens during the meltdowbs and make the post too depressing). I have a new job and I'm still not recovered from burnout anywhere near fully. That shit just makes me cry...I know I sound childish. But I have to say it out loud, I'm scared. I'm scared of working again because I'm scared of going into burnout again. I've never lost control over myself like that and honestly it gives me the same feelings as my CPTSD. Only a loser like me could get trauma from a stupid easy job.

Which mind you, all my coworkers loved me and I was a great employee. I just kept burning out and I would push through. But I just started fucking losing it, I genuinely thought I was losing my mind.

It's shameful because I am really smart and people do seem to enjoy me. I can play the perfect, sweet cute smart college girl. But I'll cry in my community college bathroom, I'll have meltdowns in the car. I'll snap at work after a few months and end up melting down publicly. Thannn I'll play it off, I'll just straight up fucking lie. Not like telling them I'm autistic is an option. I'm good at what I do, they'll believe me. But at some point, I keep calling out. By the time I give up I can barely get out of bed and I sleep most of the day and stop eating.

Y'all I'm cooked😬

For example, I love learning about true crime including shooters. For the average person that sounds very concerning, but I'm curious about their mental states. I'm more curious about what could be done to stop them and how we can stop things like that from happening.

I don't mention it to people of course, because I know some weirdos do defend that stuff. I want to make it clear I'm not one of them.

I also have a special interest in incels. I don't interact with them or defend them by any means. I just often wonder how a person could be that way. How someone who was once a little boy could grow up to be so cruel and hateful.