i dont think im actually trans and this is all cope
i didnt have any "gender dysphoria" until i hit puberty and i even was incredibly feminine as a child. i think puberty just freaked me out, my autism probably has something to do with this especially cuz i never felt like i fit in or understood girls. my brain probably couldnt handle the change plus i learned what transgenderism was at the time and that probably influenced me in same way. idk now my dysphoria isnt even too bad im starting to not care and its mostly genital dysphoria and i also often fantasize about being a guy for sexual purposes (mostly). this is probably just a consequence of being raped, idk if i even was maybe thats cope too because my brain has to come up with some reason for why im this fucked and why i put myself in certain horrible situations on purpose. when i was 14 i had this "flashback" of getting raped and proceeded to have these weird visions and physical hallucinations of it happening over and over for months. its very blurry too though the details have always remained the same. idk idk idk fuck thats all the proof i have. im evil and im gonna be a disgusting foid forever. to be fair i think im very dissociated i cant barely process anything that happens to me my brain jyst has accepted thats how it is. i dont have anyone in my life to share this with who wont be freaked out and hate me even more, sorry for this.