u/feralprincess2

i also put it in the fridge right when i brought it inside. i didnt know it had arrived 2 days earlier than expected and i didnt get a notification which is why it was left for so long. it was $50 and not eligible for a return or refund. im trying to contact support but. do i eat the loss, or eat the caviar?

im just confused.

im 26 and i’ve been in therapy for various traumatic reasons since i was like 13 or so?. i’ve had some terrible therapists over the years honestly. and i’ve had a super hard time this past year dealing with my physical health along with a horrible therapist (she shouldn’t even have a license anymore to be honest). a few months ago i found a great therapist though. shes the only one so far that feels HUMAN. who talks to me like we’re both just people. i feel like talk therapy with her has helped a lot, because i kinda just talk myself through my issues and deep down already know what i believe but i just need to hear that its okay and justified and whatever. and work through my thoughts in a productive conversation.

anyways, i sought out a new therapist for a specific issue i’ve had for a while. i wanted to work through it because of some future events where i anticipate my issue would.. be an issue. lol. and also just generally in life it comes up a lot in smaller ways. and with this therapist, i have made so much progress with it. i work on exposure therapy when its safe to do so, without feeling the need to throw myself in the deep end and mess myself up. i hold firm boundaries and don’t question my instinctual responses (i still do get anxiety about being firm though). she has helped me see that i am what i am, and this issue is a part of that, and theres no magical solution, and i just have to keep trying in small ways WHEN I WANT TO. its not even a necessity. she helped me see that its actually perfectly fine and acceptable to have these boundaries for things that make me uncomfortable and its valid and i don’t owe anyone an explanation, not even myself. i feel how i feel and i’m not obligated to participate in obscure social expectations that i never agreed to.

so, idk, things are kinda wrapped with that. i’ve been feeling pretty good, and its weird. i had a lot of other trauma in my life too that has come up in various ways, and i just accept it as a part of me now. i don’t need to be weighed down by it, by trying to ‘figure it out’. it doesn’t need to be such a loud and relevant thing anymore. it was all so long ago, i’ve thought of it endlessly, and i finally feel like i can put it down somewhere. pack it up in a box in the attic. it isn’t forgotten or ignored, but its just there, without obsessive observation. without digging through it to find the Ultimate Explanation whenever i feel uncomfortable or wanna set a boundary.

my therapist didn’t suddenly ~fix me~ in these recent months. i feel like i was already growing in a good direction, but feeling stuck and not knowing how to go about things. and then i met her and a world of possibilities opened in my mind. so many realizations unlocked from behind paper thin doors.

i’ve been feeling great. things are great. i love my partner, my cat, my home. i feel so safe, so different, so loved and carefree. i feel relaxed, and light. many weights have been lifted. i can breathe. my physical health has been improving too. I’m grateful. i feel like my day to day mood has been a lot better.

but, despite all of this im still feeling sudden bouts of sadness and confusion. feelings that im stuck. it feels like zoochosis lmao thats my first thought. im buffering and feeling weird and im just like 🧍🏻‍♀️ umm what do i do. what now. do i do this? do i do that? nothing feels right. i guess i will eat a piece of cake and be sad.

and its kinda strange to feel like this after being so so happy and light all day. like, why? nothings even wrong. or, i dont know whats wrong. i wasnt even sure how long i should continue therapy because im like. well! thats that! theres nothing else. it feels like theres nothing else. maybe that strange alien feeling is whats causing my weird sadness and confusion. i have no idea.

im gonna keep doing my stuff and keeping up with self care and exposure therapy and talk therapy and taking care of my health and my home etc etc but. ughhh ewwww the feeling is so bad. i laid my head on the table and cried. my bf found me and i could hardly bare him looking at me. then i heated up a slice of cake just to do SOMETHING but i only ate 3 bites and went back to feeling weird and lost.

limon chips are so good. main course with chewy spree and a peanut butter cup on the side