u/for_pansy

It's been almost a year since I've seen them last time and my fixation ceases to evaporate regardless of what I do. For context, I'm a pretty indoorsy person, especially during the colder months - then I go into hermit mode and spend my days researching things that I find interesting. Ever since I fell into the trap of limerence, they have been the glue to all my interests. Everything I research leads to them - understanding them better, understanding our dynamic better etc. I don't check their socials, we don't text each other, we've never done anything romantic. Nothing. And yet... I accept all advice.

The more time I spend around people, the more I realise how much I genuinely love being alone. However, when I’m alone, I can’t stop thinking about people - I replay conversations, imagine future encounters, wonder what it would be like to see certain people again, and create all these possible scenarios in my head. I wish my mind would just shut up and let me rejoice in my solitude. I don’t want to constantly anticipate the next interaction or feel like I’m mentally living in other people’s lives when I’m finally by myself. It’s like this mental audience that never leaves.

There are no logical rules or explanations that can help you map out your way through. All you're left with is your intuition and acceptance within this unpredictability.

edit: I am NOT turning this into some competition. I'm simply voicing the fact that unsteady abuse balanced out by some objectively good moments is a lot harder to take notice of.

I'm 20F. My childhood was marked by an unusual, uncontrollable visual imagination. I would get seemingly random visions, and would be 'torn off' from reality. I always had a hard time connecting with my peers, unless they were submissive boys, abiding to my creative ideas and executing them. My mind would (and still does) always wander away into the future. I live in and breathe the future, meanwhile the present moment usually remains untouched and stagnant. I lead a passive hermit lifestyle, unless I get a motivating vision of the future. I have trouble remaining grounded in the present moment - my life happens inside of me, but not as in 'physical sensations way' (i barely feel my body most of the time), but as in thoughts, mental imagery, intellectual side quests etc. Despite being seemingly disconnected from the tangible, I pay close, almost obsessive attention to my appearance - I am somewhat of a clean freak, I maintain a lean body through dieting and sometimes get really upset if how I look doesn't match my internal vision of self. I express my imagination through how I present myself to the world - the perfume I wear, the colour theme, the type of makeup - it's all supposed to reflect a certain atmosphere. An interesting thing is that I 'eat with my mind'. I don't eat because I'm hungry or have a craving - I eat that which seems relevant health-wise at the moment, always considering the food's further effect on my body. I have trouble fully engaging in 'sense hedonism'.

I believe I have a good social intuition. I automatically envision one's family, home and everyday life upon the first meeting, and usually am correct. I can feel when someone is performative, insecure etc and instinctively deduce their weak points. I have somewhat of a disdain for inauthentic individuals, for an example performative masculinity. In terms of romantic matters, I am somewhat of a prude due to farsightedness. I enjoy flirting and it's almost like a fourth language to me. However, if I am genuinely attracted to a man, I can't help but turn quiet, disapproving, blunt and somewhat mean and sarcastic. It happens instinctively, like a way to camouflage the stress his presence generates within me. If I were to pick a dream partner, I would like him to be unapologetically attracted to me, willing to do anything to conquer me without my mood swings, mixed signals or capricious acts depriving him of his interest. I would like him to be decisive, action-oriented and caring within the pragmatic realm. (While I remain the one quietly in control) Regarding friendship, I have just one true friend. We have a really deep bond mainly due to the similarities within us and mutual interests - the biggest difference being that she is more socially oblivious. We often mention how wonderful it is that we don't mind sitting in silence together - that it is never awkward. I don't engage in acquaintances that seem pointless, not heralding any interesting, fruitful developments. I oftentimes accidentally come off private, closed-off and withdrawn, without realising how little I share about myself.

I am gifted in the artistic realm. I create music, but not from some personal emotional place. My creations are mainly seemingly random internal imagery compressed into music. I possibly have synesthesia.

I've been reading "Psychological Types" and found a very relatable description of the introverted type's unconscious attitude. When I read the passage for the first time, my breath stopped for a moment, because it is so perfectly aligned with my experience. I hoped for a solution to it, but was left disappointed - Jung only described the problem.

Here's what I highlighted;

[…]

To the extent that the introvert’s consciousness is subjectified, thus bestowing undue importance upon the ego, the object is placed in a position which in time becomes quite untenable. The object is a factor of undeniable power, while the ego is something very restricted. 

[…]

if the ego has usurped the claims of the subject, a compensation naturally develops under the guise of an unconscious reinforcement of the influence of the object. Such a change eventually commands attention, for often, in spite of a positively convulsive attempt to ensure the superiority of the ego, the object and objective data develop an overwhelming influence, which is all the more invincible because it seizes upon the individual unawares, thus effecting an irresistible invasion of consciousness. As a result of the ego’s defective relation to the object — for a will to command is not adaptation — a compensatory relation to the object develops in the unconscious, which makes itself felt in consciousness as an unconditional and irrepressible tie to the object. The more the ego seeks to secure every possible liberty, independence, superiority, and freedom from obligations, the deeper does it fall into the slavery of objective facts. The subject’s freedom of mind is chained to an ignominious financial dependence, his unconcernedness of action suffers now and again, a distressing collapse in the face of public opinion, his moral superiority gets swamped in inferior relationships, and his desire to dominate ends in a pitiful craving to be loved. The chief concern of the unconscious in such a case is the relation to the object, and it affects this in a way that is calculated to bring both the power illusion and the superiority phantasy to utter ruin. The object assumes terrifying dimensions, in spite of conscious depreciation. Detachment from, and command of, the object are, in consequence, pursued by the ego still more violently.

[…]

But, therewith, the introvert severs himself completely from the object, and either squanders his energy in defensive measures or makes fruitless attempts to impose his power upon the object and successfully assert himself. But these efforts are constantly being frustrated by the overwhelming impressions he receives from the object. It continually imposes itself upon him against his will ; it provokes in him the most disagreeable and obstinate affects, persecuting him at every step. An immense, inner struggle is constantly required of him, in order to ‘ keep going.’ Hence psychoasthenia is his typical form of neurosis, a malady which is characterized on the one hand by an extreme sensitiveness, and on the other by a great liability to exhaustion and chronic fatigue.

I've been doing extensive research on cognitive functions for the past few months. Most of my 'realisations' come from Jung's writings - the very source of everything this subreddit is dedicated to. Here are some facts about Ni;

Introverted intuition is not;

1.Detailed future-planning. -Introverted intuition is subjective mental imagery. Because of that, Ni users have the capacity to simulate situations. Their internal simulations tend to be situated neither in the past, nor the future, but in an alternate reality. The stereotypical ‘future-planning’ occurs once the individual grows under stimulated by his mental imagery and therefore desires to materialise his inner vision in tangible reality. Ni Doms tend to be remarkably good at envisioning their future and setting long-term goals, because they most likely have already experienced it all in an internal simulation. Introverted intuition itself is not future-orientation. 

2.Some magical all-knowing function. -While indeed, Ni might look that way to someone who doesn’t consciously use this function, it actually is simply an access to subconscious. Subconscious tends to be a vessel to gathered patterns. Due to that Ni-users can sometimes appear very good at reading people and predicting outcomes. While it appears prophetic or genius, it is simply a well developed connection to the subconscious. 

Introverted intuition does not manifest the same way within its every user. It’s a spectrum. It all depends on how well other functions are developed. An Ni-dom of underdeveloped helping functions might tend to lose contact with reality, become and enigma to his environment, in some cases appear almost lunatic-like. 

The more developed the helping functions, the more settled in reality the Ni dom will be. For an example; an INFJ with well developed Fe and Ti will most likely be very good at reading people, because his mental imagery will become interconnected with social matters (Fe) and his precise understanding of them (Ti). 

I am struggling with finding my mbti. Help me.

I’ve always breathed possibilities, living in a perpetual state of hope - specifically a hope for an exciting future. The type of person to burn bridges and never look back. Daydreamy - this dominant aspect of my psyche made me turn toward INFP and ENFP. However, I find that I do not really have a set of morals or values. I am far from an Fi-dom. I merge with sources of fascination and stimulation, my identity never crystallised. My interior is ambivalent or neutral (I believe there’s a thin line between ambivalence and neutrality). My life is like a series of transformations.

I am almost certain that I am intuitive. I did consider being a sensor, because I’m really big on music, but then I realised that I use it to boost my intuitive process aka daydreaming and discovering future possibilities in my mind. I am the kind to replay a song over and over again if what it makes me imagine scratches the itch, which makes me think Si over Se in my stack. I am capable of creatively utilising every life circumstance, whether negative or not. A possibility is a possibility. I’m not likely to categorise it by positive or negative. Rather interesting or less interesting.

One thing that makes me curious is the fact that I am perpetually hyperaware of other people’s attitude towards me, and quite insecure about it. I used to be a perfectionistic people-pleaser, always worried about how others will receive me, as though they were my audience.

If we’re speaking love, sex, romance - I’m not much of that, or at least not in the conventional way. I’m more concerned with the possible experiences an individual might make come true rather than their appearance or things of this sort. What scares me the most is becoming a symbol - playing a role in someone’s life. I have found that many people perceive obtaining a relationship as an end goal - “I have a boyfriend/girlfriend so now I can wind down”. To me everything is a beginning. Everything with no exception. If one cannot endure my endless transformations, projects, ideas and doesn’t want to explore with me, then I say "no thank you". I’d say I would be the kind to break up if the dynamic begins to feel boring, limiting or stagnant.

Reasons I'm not sure if I'm an ENTP;

1. I'm not much of a debater, unless it's with a person with whom I feel comfortable enough to say/do something stupid or goofy.

2. I'm very artistic.

3. I'm not a troll in the classic sense. I do enjoy acting frivolous and ambiguous to see people's reactions, but that would be it.

I spent most of my childhood in Iceland and "Undo" is like as if you compressed Reykjavík into a song. The first minute of the song has a minecraft-ish vibe to it that takes me back to them old days - playing minecraft during a snow-blizzard. Amazing.

Naczytałam się trochę na ten temat i chyba najbardziej prawdopodobnym wyjaśnieniem byłby raptowny spadek adrenaliny. Czuję się tak mizernie i bezcelowo. Zdaję sobie sprawę z tego jak płytko to brzmi, ale zupełnie serio mam strasznego doła po napisaniu wszystkich matur.

i was planning to quit for a long time, but it just kinda happened. I forgot to make myself coffee one morning, realised I had no coffee that day and then just kinda rolled with it. Few days in and I'm genuinely suicidal. No, I am not overexaggerating. I feel intellectually slow, melancholic and depressed.

There is a common belief that intuitives care less about their appearance than sensors. While I believe that it could be somewhat true, I can't help but notice the correlation between Ni and being well-dressed. I think that Ni doms dress well and care for their looks as a part of their strategy - they are well aware of our harsh reality - the fact that looks matter a lot, sometimes more than anything else. Wheras Se doms seem to be more concerned with the world providing them a good experience.

Especially Xtal, #3 and #20. It makes me feel like a kid. It makes me appreciate the beauty of the world, imagine happy scenarios and feel sad over my past all at once. I am a loner by choice. I don't really click with many people, but one thing I dream of is a true, childlike friendship that is all about fun and loyalty. No strategic shit. And Aphex music makes me think of this a lot. It takes me back to my past childhood bonds and makes me hopeful for obtaining a similar bond in the future. I live in Eastern European suburbs - forest, river, fields. I love going on walks during sunset, aphex twin on my headphones, beautiful scenery and this bittersweet feeling in my heart. Doing this has become a habit, a ritual that I'm excited for from the second I wake up. It's like a drug.

Despite being highly imaginative, head in the clouds, future thinking, one sensation that I find very pleasant in this bitter-sweet way is nostalgia. I am not sentimental, not traditional and definitely not stuck in the past. I experience nostalgia as this overwhelming essence usually attached to a song or a landscape. Sometimes it doesn't even have to be a song from the past, it can simply be something I have just discovered that reminds me of some essence from the past. Hard to explain. I would not call it sensing in the usual way. It's very specific and one of a kind.

Today, I revisited some aspects of my early teens (like, in my head). And I forced myself to dwell on some unpleasant feelings I have experienced when spending time with neurotypical girls. Not much bullying or anything, just....the feeling. Zoning out on a bench, hiding from the sun while all the other girls talk, and you can't keep up, cause the feeling of personal inadequacy haunts you. This picture of LDR captures it quite well. Jokes aside, I still experience it at times as an adult and it genuinely makes me want to die. I hate it.

https://preview.redd.it/kkmlhh5lwryg1.jpg?width=226&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5c8cfae3fc540a3ca9d763ceed42f159ad615a54

Have you ever done that? I had that tendency in late childhood-early adolescence. Months went by and it turned into an entire few year act. Some classmates saw through the facade, and others did not. My motivation behind it still remains a mystery. Perhaps, it was simply fun to be a detached, weird, boundary-crossing troll. My real self remained unknown, impossible to judge.

I have always experienced recalling my past as quite.......unnatural.....? I normally would never even look back. Sometimes a conversation with someone forces me to go back to some memories and then my thoughts are like; "wait...that was really my life..that really happened! That was me!". And I'm not speaking of any trauma, just simple things like childhood friendships etc. I've always been very future oriented. My default would be simulating possible future events in my mind, though, I must admit, most of the time they were just hedonistic daydreams. I have a tendency to randomly burn bridges and overall my life feels very nonlinear, more like a random explosion of events.