Naczytałam się trochę na ten temat i chyba najbardziej prawdopodobnym wyjaśnieniem byłby raptowny spadek adrenaliny. Czuję się tak mizernie i bezcelowo. Zdaję sobie sprawę z tego jak płytko to brzmi, ale zupełnie serio mam strasznego doła po napisaniu wszystkich matur.
i was planning to quit for a long time, but it just kinda happened. I forgot to make myself coffee one morning, realised I had no coffee that day and then just kinda rolled with it. Few days in and I'm genuinely suicidal. No, I am not overexaggerating. I feel intellectually slow, melancholic and depressed.
There is a common belief that intuitives care less about their appearance than sensors. While I believe that it could be somewhat true, I can't help but notice the correlation between Ni and being well-dressed. I think that Ni doms dress well and care for their looks as a part of their strategy - they are well aware of our harsh reality - the fact that looks matter a lot, sometimes more than anything else. Wheras Se doms seem to be more concerned with the world providing them a good experience.
Especially Xtal, #3 and #20. It makes me feel like a kid. It makes me appreciate the beauty of the world, imagine happy scenarios and feel sad over my past all at once. I am a loner by choice. I don't really click with many people, but one thing I dream of is a true, childlike friendship that is all about fun and loyalty. No strategic shit. And Aphex music makes me think of this a lot. It takes me back to my past childhood bonds and makes me hopeful for obtaining a similar bond in the future. I live in Eastern European suburbs - forest, river, fields. I love going on walks during sunset, aphex twin on my headphones, beautiful scenery and this bittersweet feeling in my heart. Doing this has become a habit, a ritual that I'm excited for from the second I wake up. It's like a drug.
Despite being highly imaginative, head in the clouds, future thinking, one sensation that I find very pleasant in this bitter-sweet way is nostalgia. I am not sentimental, not traditional and definitely not stuck in the past. I experience nostalgia as this overwhelming essence usually attached to a song or a landscape. Sometimes it doesn't even have to be a song from the past, it can simply be something I have just discovered that reminds me of some essence from the past. Hard to explain. I would not call it sensing in the usual way. It's very specific and one of a kind.
Today, I revisited some aspects of my early teens (like, in my head). And I forced myself to dwell on some unpleasant feelings I have experienced when spending time with neurotypical girls. Not much bullying or anything, just....the feeling. Zoning out on a bench, hiding from the sun while all the other girls talk, and you can't keep up, cause the feeling of personal inadequacy haunts you. This picture of LDR captures it quite well. Jokes aside, I still experience it at times as an adult and it genuinely makes me want to die. I hate it.
Have you ever done that? I had that tendency in late childhood-early adolescence. Months went by and it turned into an entire few year act. Some classmates saw through the facade, and others did not. My motivation behind it still remains a mystery. Perhaps, it was simply fun to be a detached, weird, boundary-crossing troll. My real self remained unknown, impossible to judge.
I have always experienced recalling my past as quite.......unnatural.....? I normally would never even look back. Sometimes a conversation with someone forces me to go back to some memories and then my thoughts are like; "wait...that was really my life..that really happened! That was me!". And I'm not speaking of any trauma, just simple things like childhood friendships etc. I've always been very future oriented. My default would be simulating possible future events in my mind, though, I must admit, most of the time they were just hedonistic daydreams. I have a tendency to randomly burn bridges and overall my life feels very nonlinear, more like a random explosion of events.
