u/fuxkle

I love my grandma, I really truly do, but I shouldn't have to explain to her that a white dress is NOT appropriate guest attire for my wedding 😭 no, it does not look like a wedding dress, but there is an entire rainbow to choose from and you picked white?? It's not even beige or off-white it is "mild please for the guac" white.

Last I heard from her she wasn't even sure if she was coming because the ceremony is too early. It's at 10am and she lives an hour away. I even offered to get her a hotel room in town so she could sleep in some more. It's a very small ceremony and we are only inviting close family so I was a little hurt. I asked her to please let me know ASAP once she decided if she's coming or not, and she declined the hotel and told me to just pray she could make it.

A few days later she told my dad (not me) that she is booking a hotel on her own in town so she could come, and sent my mom (not me) a picture of the white dress she bought to wear.

My parents are begging me not to get involved and to let them handle her because "she's old" and "a little crazy" but oh my goodness I'm going nuts here lmao. She didn't even attend my parents' wedding and seems to have some kind of crisis situation whenever my brothers and I have a big event, so I shouldn't be surprised, but A WHITE DRESS??? GIRL.

I hate parties. I hate planning. I can't wait to just be married and be done with it. Husband-to-be has reassured me that if she pulls something the day of he and his family will ignore her in the moment and then laugh with me after, but omg why is this even a concern.

Love you grandma even if you're kinda nuts for this. 🩷

My soon-to-be-husband is a jeweler and in my dream he had a job to make Tyler and Josh custom jewelry for some event. To thank us they offered to play at our wedding, but since it's going to be a really small ceremony at a public venue with just our immediate family I had to turn them down despite being a fan for 10 years. I love their music but I've seen them 6 times and figured all the hubbub and strangers gathering around to watch would just stress me out on my wedding day. Then they were mad at me. I was also mad at me. I could have planned a second party just for the performance the fuck was dream me thinking?

That's all.

I'm 5 months pregnant and getting married this summer. My chart says my bipolar is in remission. The meds I take are simply "preventative". My family is so so so so so proud of me for getting better. And I feel like a liar and a fraud.

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I think it's a combination of the horomones and the social isolation but I have been so incredibly depressed lately. It didn't start to get bad until after my last psych appointment so I'll bring it up to her when I see her again in a couple of weeks. But I'm spending all day crying and unable to get out of bed. I'm having suicidal thoughts again and the only thing keeping me here is the baby. I have no friends left, I knew becoming a mom may be isolating but I thought my friends would at least stick around through the pregnancy as long as I didn't talk about it too much. My "best friends" are all childfree and just don't respond to my texts or attempts to hang out anymore. My only friend left is my fiance and while he's great, I am so alone when he's at work all day. And I can't put all my eggs in one basket. He can't take care of all my social needs. I left my full-time job as a preschool teacher to work part time at a swim school so I can take the baby swimming after maternity leave (teaching swim has always been a passion of mine, I always planned to go back once I had a kid) but none of my coworkers talk to me and I just feel so alone and out of place.

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I'm also in the process of getting my driver's license reinstated and its been an uphill battle. I spent two straight hours just trying to find a doctor willing to meet with me so that they can maybe fill out the paperwork required. My psychiatrist is being wishy washy on if she'll fill out her part. I'm not sick enough for disability benefits but I'm apparently still too sick to drive? I lost the damn thing because I fell asleep behind the wheel after being awake and manic for a few nights straight. Nobody got hurt. I was prescribed but not taking Klonopin at the time so it was suspended under an immediate medical threat. It's been 2 years of me focusing on my health so I can get it back but it still feels impossible. Being trapped here all day just adds to the loneliness. It's so hot and humid out that I can't even walk to the store lately so it's just me in this house for hours a day. I hate it.

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I miss my old job. I miss my friends. I miss my life before. It just sucks. My fiance says it'll get better when the baby is here and I can meet other moms in town and make friends. But I don't want to depend on my daughter for happiness. That's not her job.

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My head hurts from all the crying. I just wish I could sleep. My body is incredibly uncomfortable and I have vivid nightmares every time I fall asleep so I don't stay asleep long.

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I need someone to tell me it's going to be ok.

Sunshine Riptide is (to me) written from the point of view of someone experiencing a manic episode. In my opinion the whole thing is a masterpiece, including the feature. This track gets a lot of hate but I love it so I'm gonna share my interpretation of it.

I'm going to start with how NAMI describes a manic episode. "The terms "mania" and "manic episode" describe a state of mind characterized by high energy, excitement, and euphoria over a sustained period of time. It's an extreme change in mood and cognition that can interfere with school, work, or home life. Mania is also the main feature of bipolar disorder."

Anyways, here we go!

I don't even have my own attention

When you're manic you talk a lot. Too much. People stop listening. On top of that, mania can zap your attention span and cause you to jump from topic to topic. You just keep talking, and nobody, not even yourself, knows what you're talking about

You say please don't ever change but you don't like me the way I am

Everyone loves and supports mental illness until people start showing less savory symptoms

The sign says don't tap the glass, but I read it in reverse

The singer is inside the glass of a display case. Sometimes mania makes you into some kind of public spectacle. I've posted tons of weird shit online and done weird shit in public during mania, and very few people engage, because who the hell wants to be part of that? Don't wanna poke the bear.

The world tried to burn all the mercy out of me but you know I wouldn't let it

It tried to teach me the hard way I can't forget it

Living with mental illness is incredibly difficult. An estimated 10-20 percent of people with bipolar disorder die by completed suicide. An estimated 50-60 percent of people attempt suicide.

Driving down the coast again, the pills are kicking in

Reckless behavior is a hallmark of mania. I'm assuming the pills he's speaking about here are ones taken recreationally. Driving under the influence can unfortunately be just another Tuesday when you've lost your mind.

She said I love you til I don't

Again, it's easy to love someone with mental illness until their symptoms get to be too much for you

I am just playing house, no idea what I'm doing now

Even when things are going well and you're not actively in an episode, it feels like you're just pretending. In my experience with bipolar I feel like I just stumbled my way through life. Shit I'm in remission and I still feel like I'm playing house

There are no atheists in foxholes

Nothing like hitting rock bottom to make you start praying to a god you don't believe in

The pressure's getting to me, it's time to throw in the towel

There is so much pressure. There are so many things you have to avoid, you have to stick to specific routines, you have to take your meds, you have to go to bed on time... And even then an episode can appear. Sometimes you wanna just give up, say fuck it, and let yourself go crazy

Cuz I'm stuck in the sunshine riptide

I think "sunshine riptide" is a beautiful metaphor for mania. It seems fun and exciting and maybe even beautiful. But it's not. You don't see it on the surface but a riptide will sweep you out to sea without warning. Mania can cause feelings of euphoria and delusions of grandeur, and I've had periods in my life where I attempted to induce it because I was so goddamn miserable and I didn't know how to be happy. It doesn't make you happy, it destroys your life. It's terrifying.

Dancing all alone in the morning light

Literally have done this while manic

You came in like a wave when I was feeling alright

Sometimes mania is triggered by something. Sometimes it just shows up out of nowhere. The worst is when you think you're doing well but your mood continues to ascend. You think you're extra motivated but you're actually just sick again. It's a bit of a cruel joke.

They call me Oluwaburna

Oluwa is a Yoruba prefix meaning "god" or "lord", so he's referring to himself as Lord Burna. Delusions of grandeur are a symptom of mania, which can lead to thinking things like you are a god or sent from heaven with a divine mission of sorts.

I fell in love, but I didn't fall down

Another symptom of mania is hypersexuality and/or serious limerance. The Last Of The Real Ones is all about manic limerance which I'll get into another day. I think what he's saying is he is definitely actually in love this time guys it's not the mania I swear

They say me nah normal

People say he's not normal cuz he's off his rocker. In his manic state he probably thinks he's not normal because he's better than that, beyond that.

Drink Hennessy, me nah drink water

Substance abuse

Make me stumble pon me Air Jordans

Getting so drunk that he's tripping over his expensive shoes that he likely bought in a manic shopping spree. Manic spending is a very, very common issue when you have bipolar

Ain't no slowing down, know I keep it rolling now

Mania makes you think, move, and talk faster. Mania causes tons of excess energy that allows you to act like this for a prolonged period of time. When I'm manic I literally cannot sit still, I'm running around 20 hours a day and then attempting (often failing) to sleep for the remaining 4

Smoking in my fucking brain, passing through my fucking mind

More substance abuse

Feel like bulletproof, bulletproof baby

Mania makes you feel invincible

With the sun shining through, got the blunt and juice, cruise

More substance abuse, more impaired driving

Riding through the sunshine riptide

The line switches back to Patrick halfway through, but it's one complete thought in my opinion. When you're manic your choices are ride the wave, or hospital. The singer is choosing to ride the wave

You are my truest feeling yet

Sometimes during mania you have a bit of self awareness. You know these feelings are caused by your disorder, and aren't real. Until you don't know, and you mistake manic limerance for true love.

I love you so much, it's just like oxygen

Have you ever felt manic love? It is like oxygen. I'm not sure how else to describe it. It's like, I need you so bad and if I can't have you I will implode right here right now

And it's going to my head

A public meltdown

MANIA references celebrity meltdowns a few times in the album (Tonya Harding and Britney Spears specifically). When you're famous all eyes are on you, which makes the repurcussions of manic behavior so much worse

Petulant, but irreverent

Likely how the singer sees himself in the aftermath of these meltdowns. Childish and with no respect for what should be respected. It's really embarrassing to be publicly manic

Take all your possibilities and take away the limits

Take your ideas and throw away all the gimmicks

Anything and everything feels possible during mania

I do the best with what I have

It's so hard to maintain control. You do your best

And on it goes. I have a headache and I think I've made my point, I hope someone reads this!

TW: ew

I won't even be nauseous I'll cough or sneeze and just BLEH whatever liquid I last ingested is suddenly all over my clothes

I thought the babies did the spit up not their 19 week pregnant moms

I've vomited out my nose more times this week than my entire life beforehand

Just sharing💖

I love this song so much.

I totally understand not liking how upbeat it is or the bounce bounce bounce of it all. That makes sense. I disagree with people who criticize the lyrics though!

To me this song is about what happens with some friends when you grow older. The friend who you hung out with every day during school but now you don't hear from much. You still love this friend, and you'd help them flee to Mexico if need be, but you don't see much of them anymore. Maybe they're going down a bit of a dark path but you love them. From afar.

Idk maybe it's just cuz I have a bounce man in my life but this song is really special to me. I'm 100% triggered by a comment I saw calling the lyrics a "nothing burger". This is a very bouncy burger thank you very much.

I mean like it could be worse at least we got prom and graduation but come on terrible timing with all that

Hello fellow anxious people. Content warning for dreams about the death of a child.

I'm 14 weeks pregnant and have been having reoccurring vivid nightmares about my baby. Usually they're miscarriage dreams, last night it was one where my baby violently passed away after I spent what felt like an entire day with her. The dreams are very realistic and throughout the day the imagery pops into my mind. I know the dreams are just a manifestation of my anxieties and there's not much I can do to prevent them, but what can I do with the anxiety I feel while remembering them? I can't get the images of my mangled baby out of my head.

Please help :(