u/g0d_of_the_cr1sis

Every. Damn. Time.

I find a game. I like the game. I play the game. I introduce someone else to the game. They find the game interesting. They play the game.

Within a week they have gotten better than me at the game.

I have more than 450 hours on Brawlhalla. My friend that just started playing a week ago can 0-to-death combo me five times in three minutes while I can't fucking land a hit. My other friend who doesn't play Brawlhalla because it's not Smash Bros could consistently beat me after day one of playing.

I got to level 55 on a Palworld save before my fiance started her save. She's already caught my level and is a boss tower ahead of me - and has beaten Paladius and Necromus while I've died five times just trying to retrieve my shit from the FIRST time I tried to beat them.

I introduced someone to Dead Cells. It took me 100+ hours to get to 5BSC, and I STILL haven't gotten the true ending. He's already beaten it. In under 50 hours.

I introduced my fiance to Inscryption. It took me an embarrassing amount of time to beat Act 1. It took her three fucking runs. Three.

Every. Fucking. Game. That I pick up. EVERYONE I know is either already better than me (Windblown, Ovis Loop, Megabonk, Crab Champions), or they pick it up EXPONENTIALLY faster than I do and surpass me at brain shattering speeds (Brawlhalla, Solar Ash, Dead Cells, Rivals of Aether 2, Cult of the Lamb). And I KNOW it's not a big deal. I KNOW it doesn't mean anything. But it MAKES me FEEL like a FAILURE and like I can NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH at ANYTHING.

And it just reinforces the psychological abuse that I got for years as a kid that *nothing I ever did was good enough.* Even if I did it right, I never got a "good job!" I always got "okay, but it could be better because of (insert belittling nitpick that literally does not retract from the product)." Learned to change a tire? "Okay, but you need to tighten those lug nuts more." Washed the car? "Okay, but you didn't vacuum under the seats." MADE DINNER FROM FUCKING SCRATCH WITH ZERO SUPERVISION? "These bread sticks are good, but they could use a bit less salt next time, and maybe take the spaghetti noodles off the heat just a minute or two earlier next time."

And the worst part is, I LEARN FAST. I really do. I learn fast and I'm a perfectionist, so I'm learning the RIGHT way to do it. But that fast learning just STOPS at a level that's just a little bit better than adequate. And I HATE it. And I HATE detracting from other people's positive learning and entertainment experiences, but when it's something that I have an interest in and I watch them go from noob to expert in the time it took me to go from noob to initiate, it PISSES ME OFF - not because someone else is better than me, but because WHY CAN'T I KEEP IMPROVING AND REACH THAT LEVEL *AT ALL,* MUCH LESS *AT THAT SPEED???*

20% of the fireworks went IN the river and I can get more chest vibrations out of my car's stock bass speakers. Too long of interludes and too short of a show. Last year was better than this.

Not like my opinion is going to change anything, just thought I'd voice my disappointment and see who agrees.

Can't hold down a job more than three months. Can't get a job now that I've been fired for the fifth time. Can't make enough money on door dash to pay all the bills. Can't even find a job paying more than 16 an hour. Can't get into jobs paying more than 12 an hour. Can't make my car payment on time. Can't give up because my fiance depends on me and I am NOT sending her back to the hell I pulled her out of. Can't go back to my parents because the last thing I said to them was "your God is dead and I wish you were too." Can't go to her family because they're already on the verge of losing a grandfather and (separately) a grandmother - not to mention the fact that I can't spend any extended period of time around them without being at risk of hospitalization because of how unstable they all are and how physically violent they all tend to be. Can't keep living like this because for the past three days straight my inability to contain the rage, stress, and depression has driven her to uncontrollable tears of fear, anger, despair, and (mental) pain.

I don't want to have to sell everything I own to be able to afford to stay alive. I just want to live. I want to be happy. I want to have the ability to do something I want to do without being worried that I won't be able to afford needs.

But I have 11.5k to pay on this totaled car, 1100 a month in housing expenses, and gas, groceries, and insurance on top of that. My lease is coming to an end and I don't want to renew it, but I can't get another one because I don't have enough money for a deposit on a different rental. I have nowhere to go. There is no one who can help me. I am going to break through rock bottom before I can make a single move to even START getting back up.

I can't keep going.

I can't give up.

I just. Can't.

There is no way for me to move forward. There is no way for me to slide backward. I have to break to repair.

I'm not suicidal. Suicide is for people whose spite is not strong enough to keep them alive. But I have zero desire to keep living.

Ain't cut out for this, DSP doesn't care, won't be back, fun while it lasted, time to find better.