u/girlloser_yaoi

Maybe im just insecure, maybe I just live in a brown country so it hits harder than it should

I just see the other girls, giggly, shy, polite, and even when they're strong, confident, outgoing, they all do it very...femininely, I don't know how to explain or describe it but I swear it makes sense

Ever the angry women, the angry women, they are so womanly when they do it, so so feminine

I'm envious, when I'm angry, when I'm social, when I'm sad, when I'm happy

I feel masculinity

Like that's my default output

I'm so jealous of the girl who have that feminine energy to them, I'd kill for it, but my personality is so pitch fucking black, I'll never amount to anything close, I'm so different, not even close to them, I'm a cis girl but I feel nothing like one, idk what to do

Anyone else relates?

The irony is, not only does the goalpost of life keep drifting further away from me, as far as I know I, I have been standing on a plain that's been tilting ever so slightly for the 20 years of my life, and as the goalpost goes further, I also am just falling further down

I've become everything I've worked my whole life avoiding

Eventhough I'm severely autistic, I tried my best to stay ontop of my social game because I saw how isolated my family was and didn't wanna end up like them

Now I can only name the people I actually care about on 3 fingers

I was never good in school but tried getting a creative degree nonetheless, I didn't get a graduation in highschool because of the shitty system, I dropped out of university recently, don't think I can ever afford going back

My gf broke up with me, tbf, I knew things weren't gonna work out, but, I always believed she was my best case scenario, it really isn't ever gonna get better than her, idk, I'm still kissless at this all age, nobody wants me, it's kinda embarrassing

My bsf of 8 years cut me off over a petty debate, they couldn't handle the heat of being wrong, like, objectively wrong not even in a sense of opinions, so they cut me off, I just feel betrayed, is my judgement that shit I can't someone like this around for that long?

I recently realized my parents actually fucking hate me, they've neglected me all my life, like, sheer utter neglect, and now that I'm an adult suddenly they're trying to control and sabotage all my attempts out, this would be easier in any other scenario, but we moved to the countryside in a 3rd world country recently, if I were even lucky enough to find a job, it'd only ever provide me half an apartments rent in my wettest of dreams

I've given up on art recently, writing and drawing have been my passion. But, not only did I realize I suck at them, I also realized I just- can't- and haven't improved in years, I can't tell why, I've tried everything, and eitherway, the depression has gotten so unbelievably bad- I just cannot find the joy it once gave me

It feels pointless, not only am I the empty shell of a human being, I am also every single fucking thing I hate, every single thing I fought my entire life trying not to be, everything's in shambles, and I don't see a way out, I've never contemplated something this seriously in my life before

Idk

I think, I'm just not meant for it, any of this, I'm not built for the long run, and I'm coming to that realization fast, idk

I haven't really been quote on quote "single" for years, not since being taken advantage of as a kid, I was jumping from one thing to another, relationship, talking stage, situationship, friends with benefits, didn't matter, real, roleplay, fake off, spite, didn't matter what it was I somehow found a way to not be single, it kept my Sanity on bay for better or worse, I'd get pretty irratic, emotional and borderline abusive whenever I didn't have some relationship to lean on, I never really understood why, but it's always been bad, ig even after I got over the desperation I generally had as a teenager, I've already conditioned myself to the comfort of being in a relationship

It's been a month since my most recent gf broke up with me, shit lowkey drove me insane, almost overdosed that week, worried my friends sick, I did always tell them if shit didn't work out with her I'd do something bad, I didn't really mean to, I wasn't thinking straight but what happened happened, I'm not saying this as a "I attempted and then had a hail mary and realized I need to recovery" I'm saying this to just illustrate how deep my codependency tends to get, compared to other instances, this was one of the milder ones

Eitherway, idk why, but I thought I wanted to give being single a chance

I'll say, its fucking awful

I feel like a husk of a man, I can barely think, my depressions been through the roof, I get random ass panic attacks throughout the day, I cannot think about my past without seething with loathe, it's miserable, i can barely exist or function

Literally been only coping by binging some games and shows, in a way, they've been helping me somewhat, keeping me distracted, and they're kinda opening up a creative outlet, I'm an artist, so was my ex gf, our whole thing was bouncing ideas off each other, I haven't been able to really conjure a single creative thought since, it's getting slightly better, but the perpetual brain fog has omitted me from drawing, writing, creating, for weeks, I'm trying to cushion the blow by copying stuff, better than nothing ig, keeping my engines functions, and I try to keep in touch with my friends, now isolate, but it doesn't help that I recently moved, and my friendgroup fell apart cause of the actions of a mutual friend that turned us all off from the gc

Shits miserable, but I'm alive after assuming I was gonna kms after her, I can't do shit really, barely functional, highkey a femcel, lowkey a chud, and very much a depressed wackjob, whatever gets me there ig...recovery fucking sucks but it is what it is

I know the common consensus with most people with bpd is that they're a lot more normal when they DON'T have an fp, but I feel like I got a fucked up curse where the opposite applies to me

I genuinely cannot function when I'm single, I don't know why, but when I don't have a gf, situationship, or talking stage, I physically can't do shit, I can't study, work, create, I can only consume and even then just barely because I'll most likely be consuming slop, I'm usually very creative, and always speculating and creating, but when I'm single all of that is flushed down the drain, and I become a husk of a person, I've tried parallel play with friends and family in attempts to combat it, but nothing works, I'm like actually paralysed, it ruins my life, I cannot do anything, nor think of anything, like genuinely my brain feels like wet sand, and any thoughts that try to shuffle through immediately sinks into numbness, I've been broken up with for a good month or 2 now, I can't even recall, I stopped being able to count after shutting I'm and down, but I've never been as fucking useless in my life as I am rn

Idk what to do, and stopping this is impossible, it's been a reoccurring pattern since I was a tween, having an fp or lover just gives me that motivation to do shit, and what I am or what I can do without one, what a sorry life, I cannot move on on my own

I've rarely ever talked about it to "normal" people, it makes me feel so embarrassingly edgy, like please believe I'm this normal sane person and not this weird freak who sees everyone as something deneath them

Shits so weird, idk, I look back at the way I used to expose my brain to people and cringe,I stopped doing that after realizing that shits just a humiliation ritual, but lord is it draining to suppress, hows yalls experience with this trash?

I can't help but say I'm blessed because my most recent and now closest friend is also a diagnosed narcissist so I don't deal with these issues with her but that's besides the point

Cause 1 person can't make up for all the other bullshit I deal with

I was venting to her recently about how I feel like an unfinished- failed prototype of a person, Idk about yall but I cannot form meaningful connections for shit, the only reason I somehow fully dodged how lonely it can get is because I have severe BPD, so usually I find some weird solace in FPs. But otherwise, I genuinely just don't care for people

I mean I like their company and all, people are fun, interesting, I'm an extrovert who loves to have this reputation, getting to know people is easy, but actually forming and maintaining connections? Actual hell, it feels like I'm always looking at people though a glass box, I don't miss anyone, not particularly, I don't really feel happy for them when good news is bought up, nor sad for bad news, or anything really, they're just a good time to have, and useful to have around, it's so transactional, I tried to make it less that way, but it's really difficult, I don't really respect most people, not that I act on it, but in my head everyone is just, meh, it's always been like this

It's genuinely fucking lonely, like, no matter the type of people I meet or the bonds I try to form or all that jazz

I'll end up in the same pothole

It's so lonely, unbelievably, desperately lonely

And even more lonely after a friend recently cut me off for being- "disrespectful" (?) (It's a long story but I can tell you I wasn't the bad guy because the entire friendgroup switched up on them too, this isn't me giving the jury my own judgement) so I've just been constantly reminded of how, eventhough this person who I, apparently trusted for 8 years, just switched up on me, idk, it's just, I know I'm not normal but is it too much to ask to be treated normally? I didn't ask to be cruel.