I wish you would tell me.
I’m definitely telling you ASAP.
You think you don’t have a purpose because of your past.
But you do, and it’s bigger than you could possibly imagine. And it will help more people than you realize.
I know what’s been done, and I don’t care. This purpose is bigger than that. :)
I never thought I would go his graduation alone. I’m there to support him, I just wish someone was there to support me. I’ve been a nervous wreck all day. I’m proud of him, I’m proud of both of my boys. Amazing and I have been so blessed to be their mom. But it’s also so hard. I wanna go back in time, I wanna go back to win. They were just little and do it all over again.
And I face this alone.
I got a little bit of rest this morning and then went worked on the dang broke down car because I don’t have a lot of time to fit it in. ..and I need to get it up and running. And I’m working alongside my friend who is really easy for me to be a complete nervous wreck and completely dorky around and like I didn’t feel like I had to hide my anxiety I could be the nervous I felt like.
I’ve been trying to play it cool on the outside on the inside I’m and absolute mess..
I tried to play it cool but honestly, the only thing in my head on repeat was the thought of watching my youngest graduate.
knowing I’m going to cry at this event, knowing I’m going to feel 100% alone in a room for 300 people, and going anyway, because that’s my baby up there and I’m proud of him
.. and then I know when it’s over, he’s gonna go off with his friends and I’m gonna hold the fuck apart.
I need some sort of support. This is hard.
I don’t even know what flare to use.
Someday, all of my hard work is going to pay off. All of the nights that I stayed home and worked my ass off, it’s gonna pay off.
I bet you’re probably gonna kick yourself in the ass.
Not because I’m so great or anything like that but simply because you’re gonna remember all the times I reached out.
And you know, the majority of the time that I reached out I ended up staying at home continuing to work my ass off with tears of my eyes.
It will be that moment that you’ll understand why I chose to stay home and put my nose to the grindstone instead of going to a meat market looking at the same 60 faces, wasting a bunch of money and ending up disappointed anyway.
I definitely have feelings about it.
I’m here. I’d love to go out and hang out with people once in a while.
But tonight kind of reminded me why I’m just as happy staying at home, catching a white buzz while I up some tunes and put myself to work.
He might not see my worth now, but you will someday and you’re gonna remember that.
You’re running out of time and I’m running out of patience.
But I’m not gonna let myself be too sad because eventually someone’s gonna see my worth. They will realize that I’m worth showing up for without me having to ask for a damn thing.
They’ll put the effort in to get to know me.
And they’ll understand that in those moments when I’m late, it’s because I can’t put my work down, it’s because I’m working towards something that helps us. And it doesn’t just help people, but it’s worthwhile.
So yeah,
I’m so tired of being lonely.
But right now where I invest my time matters. I was just really hoping that maybe I mattered to you.
I’ve been working my tail off at work and at home. I was super focused and driven to get this done tonight and when I got your message telling me to come out I almost didn’t. I told you that I couldn’t find my debit card and I didn’t have any cash but you said you’d buy me a drink so I came out
It was really hard for me to put my work down. Do you know how hard of Pam working trying to get the place together. It hurt my feelings that you couldn’t even text me and tell me that you weren’t gonna be there or that you’ve had left.
B, Please reach out. The thought of you holding the weight of so much pain literally kills me. No matter what differences we have, what challenges we have between us, I love you. I hate the way this life has treated you, it kills me to think of you going through this alone. No one should have to face the amount of loss our family has especially in such a short amount of time, and now this?!?
I’m so sorry, no parent or child deserves this. I will do all I can to help, just, please, I love you.
🫂🫂🫂
K
I awoke the other day sobbing. My dream was stuck in a time loop from childhood. Exactly 2 weeks after my 9th birthday.
In an apartment complex somewhere in Sherman oaks California as I played with my friend and neighbor a loud explosion could be heard for blocks.
For us it was right there, just outside the apartment walls.
It rended silence from what was a bustling community only moments before. And what came next haunts my dreams to this very day.
Every tenant at home that day came out of their homes and peered through the gate at the bellowing clouds of black smoke and the air felt electrified in its unfamiliar silence.
That silence would instantly be shattered by screams of agony so harrowing that they sounded demonic yet familiar in a way that made them primal.
Just as quick as the hush had blanketed the area, burning embers and sparks fell all around. It could’ve been magical had it not been immediately followed by smoldering metal fragments.
I heard a loud “CRACK!” And saw what appeared to be an entire fender that had struck the makeshift lid to a sand box where most of us kids would congregate.
In the California heat that dry wood went up like a tinderbox with the younger group of children caught beneath.
As I grabbed at the small hands reaching out of the sand and smoke, the large object that struck the box caught my eye.
\~yellow , \*lemon yellow, ***capri yellow .***
A shriek. I snapped out of my color trance and began to beat out the embers in a girls hair while tugging at her arm.
I noticed the man that kept most of the adults in complex “elevated”, just leaning against a palm tree, watching. Why wasn’t he helping?
I reached again for another tiny set of hands when I realized that the continuous shrieks were getting closer. And that’s when I saw the figure of a person staggering toward the gate from the parking area.
I froze. The world went silent once more as the high pitched ringing in my ears drowned out the sound.
There was smoke trailing off of what was left their hair. The clothing adorned by them was melted into their skin and a look of utter shock, a vacant stare was floating crossed their face.
It was my mom.
I turned away from the small voices and tried to push my way through the people that had gathered around, but, I couldn’t leave the others. But I couldn’t not go to my mother.
Two other people came , lifted the lid and smoke bellowed out. “One more” I told myself , the clanging, the murmuring of voices, the smell of burnt flesh and hair all came to the forefront of my senses in that moment.
I was grabbed by a stranger and hauled off toward the front of the complex where the ambulance was pulling up.
All I could do was shout “no! One more!” As if complying made it all reality…. But it was reality.
And I was never able to get that one more. Some days it echos from my core “one more”
I just
want
To help
ONE MORE.
I never knew how they faired. I never knew their fate.
My mother suffered 3rd and 4th degree burns over 60% of her body that day.
But I’m out of time for now. I have to go to work.
I awoke the other day sobbing. My dream was stuck in a time loop from childhood. Exactly 2 weeks after my 9th birthday.
In an apartment complex somewhere in Sherman oaks California as I played with my friend and neighbor a loud explosion could be heard for blocks.
For us it was right there, just outside the apartment walls.
It rended silence from what was a bustling community only moments before. And what came next haunts my dreams to this very day.
Every tenant at home that day came out of their homes and peered through the gate at the bellowing clouds of black smoke and the air felt electrified in its unfamiliar silence.
That silence would instantly be shattered by screams of agony so harrowing that they sounded demonic yet familiar in a way that made them primal.
Just as quick as the hush had blanketed the area, burning embers and sparks fell all around. It could’ve been magical had it not been immediately followed by smoldering metal fragments.
I heard a loud “CRACK!” And saw what appeared to be an entire fender that had struck the makeshift lid to a sand box where most of us kids would congregate.
In the California heat that dry wood went up like a tinderbox with the younger group of children caught beneath.
As I grabbed at the small hands reaching out of the sand and smoke, the large object that struck the box caught my eye.
~yellow , *lemon yellow, capri yellow .
A shriek. I snapped out of my color trance and began to beat out the embers in a girls hair while tugging at her arm.
I noticed the man that kept most of the adults in complex “elevated”, just leaning against a palm tree, watching. Why wasn’t he helping?
I reached again for another tiny set of hands when I realized that the continuous shrieks were getting closer. And that’s when I saw the figure of a person staggering toward the gate from the parking area.
I froze. The world went silent once more as the high pitched ringing in my ears drowned out the sound.
There was smoke trailing off of what was left their hair. The clothing adorned by them was melted into their skin and a look of utter shock, a vacant stare was floating crossed their face.
It was my mom.
I turned away from the small voices and tried to push my way through the people that had gathered around, but, I couldn’t leave the others. But I couldn’t not go to my mother.
Two other people came , lifted the lid and smoke bellowed out. “One more” I told myself , the clanging, the murmuring of voices, the smell of burnt flesh and hair all came to the forefront of my senses in that moment.
I was grabbed by a stranger and hauled off toward the front of the complex where the ambulance was pulling up.
All I could do was shout “no! One more!” As if complying made it all reality…. But it was reality.
And I was never able to get that one more. Some days it echos from my core “one more”
I just
want
To help
ONE MORE.
I never knew how they faired. I never knew their fate.
My mother suffered 3rd and 4th degree burns over 60% of her body that day.
But I’m out of time for now. I have to go to work.
I just want to feel safe. I want to feel like no matter what, I’m in good hands. Truth, I’ve been too scared for too long.
I want to be close, but above all else, I need to feel safe. Like I’m not going to be mishandled again, or just dropped when shits hard.
I’m building something real. Something substantial. I don’t want a good time once in a while. I want real. I want the grit. I want the ugly and the beautiful. I need someone who isn’t afraid to show up and roll up their sleeves . I cannot continue to do it all on my own. I carry the softness of a woman like it’s a badge of honor. If you want to build , stake claim and jump in.
I don’t need a good time, I want the best, and that comes with the grit.
I’m not here to write about my own problems. I’ve been dealing with all of my problems. Had you been man enough to show up, I would’ve held accountability like you wouldn’t believe. But you didn’t want that. No, sir, the biggest thing that I’ve been avoiding is that I made excuses for you.
The fact of the matter is, is I had to seriously evaluate all of our interactions and the truth of the matter is, you’re abusive. And you don’t realize it.
Anytime my beliefs or point of view didn’t align with yours entirely. It was the end of reasoning.
Any misalignment threatened our relationship.
You constantly sought to control my autonomy when it came to the way I saw the world, for me it always comes back to the time I wanted to donate a piece of artwork to your stepmom‘s cancer fund. That’s the example. And the way that you blew up at me and the fact that it didn’t matter how hard I was pleading for you to understand where I was coming from it took your friend telling you the same thing I was, only in different words for you to actually consider what was going on.
I don’t think you realized how much I loved you.
I don’t think that you ever took into consideration that I had thoroughly and 100% accepted all of you.
The bad as well as the good.
And then all of the head games after the end of our relationship were too much.
They were too heavy. And the fact that you could watch me break without ever wanting any definitive answers, was proof enough that you were just looking to validate yourself.
You weren’t looking to help me or to understand me or to try and make sense of anything. You were honestly just wanting to validate yourself and I wish you knew how badly that hurt. It was soul crushing.
And with everything else that was going on. I still don’t even know how much of it was entirely you, but it doesn’t really matter because in all, you watched me suffer through the death of my dad and the emptying of the nest, my grieving our relationship, the death of my friends, the death of my kids biological father. And you never came forward to offer one ounce of comfort.
And your accusations, well fuck I know the truth and that’s all that matters. There’s others that know the truth as well and the fact of the matter is it never mattered to you.
The truth never mattered to you as long as you were validated.
You sought physical comfort immediately, probably very much the same way that you did with me.
you think you’re a good person but you’re not and I think that’s what hurts me The most , is that I believed in you.
The way you talked about balance and enlightenment. I thought you meant it. And the truth of the matter is that you never did.
Cause that requires genuine self sacrifice, that requires for you to place others above yourself and I wonder sometimes if that’s why you want to push me so far away and go completely ghost was because you couldn’t face what you’ve done,
the deep an awful way that you broke me.
And you knew that you were the only person in the world that I had to reach for.
I would make excuses for you constantly in therapy. I would say “that’s not intentionally abusive, he’s gone through XYZ… “One of the hardest things that I’ve had to realize about myself is that I’ve made excuses for you.
So you can say whatever the hell you want about me that’s fine. And to be honest, that never deterred me or kept me from loving you. I still struggle in that regard to be honest. But the fact that you could watch any of the things you felt that were really happening and just get validation from it and never step forward or call me out or have a face-to-face discussion really says it all. you maintained this little charade with your fling or girlfriend or whatever she is and do it in a way. To Try to rub my face in it. That says a lot about your character.
The way everything went down with the cat is also a testament to who you really are. You’ve never had to protect yourself from me. You know I’m not a dangerous person. You know that I would just soon bleed myself out in front of you than ever do anything to cause pain. And you took advantage of that.
You took advantage of that in the way that absolutely destroyed me. I hope to God you learned something from this.
Cause without knowing where you stand or if you’ve put in any of the work if you’ve ever gone to therapy (which also begged you to do, even if we were inevitably over, I begged you to go to therapy with me) would you really be honest with your therapist about who you are, what your intentions of ben the things that you’ve actually done and the way that you’ve actually done them? I have no idea of knowing. And it’s hard to pour so much of yourself into another human being and build a life and expect to live out the remainder of your life with someone and not want to know these things. And you called it control, you said that I just wanted control of the situation. No I didn’t want to control the situation, I just wanted everybody to be OK. I want it to be OK and for damn near two years I have not been OK. You broke me quite literally.
And aside from taking accountability for all of my toxic behavior I also had to accept accountability for the fact that I have been making excuses for you this whole time. And I hope you understand that you were every bit as toxic as you accuse me of being. I hope you have made some sort of growth of progress.
My heart still hurts. And I still find myself wishing the best for both of us, but I also just miss you. I miss our daily life aside from all of the other bullshit and I hope you’re OK. I’m still trying to overcome the aftermath of our relationship as well and it’s so hard without any closure or help or support. Because I didn’t fill the void or the empty space in my life with the first warm body that came around. I chose to do this alone so that I could sit with it and not bring any residual toxicity into another relationship. But you don’t give me credit for that shit you don’t give me anything. Avoidance is what you gave me while you talk to my children who are not yours. How you could bring them into your home introduced them to your other person pretend that you care about them while destroying their mother. I don’t know what to think about you. Still without any kind of closure or conversation I have no choice, but to just look at the facts of all of this and it’s heartbreaking even still to this day.
I looked for you
I looked for you in darkness
I looked for you in Light
Then, even after you broke me down
I looked for you in spite
Even though you hurt me
And tore my world apart
I still waited for your comfort
While I trembled in the dark
I attached every positive thing
And made you my whole world
I felt it was an honor just to be your loving girl
But one by one you took my dreams and snuffed them out like candles
Despite whatever it is, you thought I’m not that hard to handle
I’ve placed my dreams within you
Not knowing you would take
Every effort I had cast
And make them my mistake
For years, I sat here, hoping
You’d make one last return
Knowing that for you
I’d always make the whole world burn
But then one day it came to me
My efforts were in vain
That the very thing I loved so deep
Was what had caused me so much pain.
You never were the hero you convinced me you would be
Instead, you were the very thing that brought the death of me
I looked for you
I looked for you in darkness
I looked for you and Light
They, even after you broke me down
I looked for you in spite
Even though you hurt me
And tore my world apart
I still waited for your comfort
While I tremble in the dark
I attached every positive thing
And made you my whole world
I felt it was an honor just to be your loving girl
But one by one you took my dreams and snuffed about like candles
Despite whatever it is, you thought I’m not that hard to handle
I’ve placed my dreams within you
Not knowing you would take
Every effort I had cast
And make them my mistake
For years, I sat here, hoping
You’d make one last return
Knowing that for you
I’d always make the whole world burn
But then one day it came to me
My efforts were in vain
That the very thing I loved so deep
Was what had caused me so much pain.
You never were the hero you convinced me you would be
Instead, you were the very thing that brought the death of me
I looked for you
I looked for you in darkness
I looked for you and Light
They, even after you broke me down
I looked for you in spite
Even though you hurt me
And tore my world apart
I still waited for your comfort
While I tremble in the dark
I attached every positive thing
And made you my whole world
I felt it was an honor just to be your loving girl
But one by one you took my dreams and snuffed about like candles
Despite whatever it is, you thought I’m not that hard to handle
I’ve placed my dreams within you
Not knowing you would take
Every effort I had cast
And make them my mistake
For years, I sat here, hoping
You’d make one last return
Knowing that for you
I’d always make the whole world burn
But then one day it came to me
My efforts were in vain
That the very thing I loved so deep
Was what had caused me so much pain.
You never were the hero you convinced me you would be
Instead, you were the very thing that brought the death of me
I looked for you
I looked for you in darkness
I looked for you and Light
They, even after you broke me down
I looked for you in spite
Even though you hurt me
And tore my world apart
I still waited for your comfort
While I tremble in the dark
I attached every positive thing
And made you my whole world
I felt it was an honor just to be your loving girl
But one by one you took my dreams and snuffed about like candles
Despite whatever it is, you thought I’m not that hard to handle
I’ve placed my dreams within you
Not knowing you would take
Every effort I had cast
And make them my mistake
For years, I said here, hoping
You’d make one last return
Knowing that for you
I’d always make the whole world burn
But then one day it came to me
My efforts were in vain
That the very thing I loved so deep
Was what had caused me so much pain.
You never were the hero you convinced me you would be
Instead, you were the very thing that brought the death of me
And still I looked for you