u/hearts_ablaze

I know it won’t reach you. Yes, I have shared this in other subs, but I wish I could share it with you. Because you deserve to know that you fit in this space as well. In fact, you helped create it.

No matter what has happened between us or how far out of reach you placed yourself. There is a powerful, unshakable love for you in the center of me that will never fail or be damaged.

I love you.
I know that may sound scary, but it’s not a scary kind of love. It’s not possessive, it’s not obsessive, not controlling or transactional. It requires no title and asks nothing in return.

You taught me how to do that. How to love that way.

I am simply grateful that you exist.
It’s a healthy kind of love that neither one of us are used to so I choose to embrace and honor it by telling you because you deserve to know that you are not alone.
You have witnessed me at my worst and in your own way you kept reaching. You kept reaching even when I was unable to reach back. And in a way, you saved a part of me that I thought wouldn’t make it.
Thank you .
Thank you, thank you.
A million thank yous would never be enough.

I see you.

I see you and I can tell you that even the worst parts of your past that you’ve shared with me do not make you a monster. They are simply stones on the path that led you to who you are today.
And who you are is so much more than you see.
We are fed a narrative from a very early age that we must acquire or accomplish specific things in this life by a certain age or we are worthless .
And that is the biggest lie we’ve ever believed.
They fed us all a shit sandwich and convinced us that it was fillet mignon.

In fact, you are far more valuable because of your experiences in this life. And I know you haven’t even shared the worst with me. Even still, I hope you know that none of it would make me flinch. I wouldn’t even bat an eye.

We have seen real monsters, and we are not them. Not even close.

You hold yourself accountable in ways that most would never understand. And the few of us who do “get it” are busy punishing ourselves as well.

Would you punish a child through the course of their entire life for acting out immorally before they understand the impact of their actions or would you enlighten them, teach them a better way and show them that they are still worth loving and choosing? Empowering them to become their true potential is the only way. So why not accept that you too deserve that level of grace?

We are all children here. No matter how many years we have walked on this earth.
We are all children. Children who have convinced themselves that they do not need to grow, learn and continuously develop until the very end.

Pride and stubbornness coupled with an inability to overcome shame.

I see us all.

I see us all and just there, even in your darkness, I see that little version of you.

And that little version of you is light in itself. A light that this world tried to extinguish.
The very fact that I see him means that they failed.
You are so worth loving. You are far more than you can even see.

Souls like that, like ours, the ones who look back at the mistakes they have made and still carry the weight of it all, well, they are the epitome of what true achievement is.

Not cars, not houses, not material assets, not anything you can hold with human hands.

True assets are held within the soul.

Let’s learn how to set down the stones we carry. The weight of the world belongs to atlas alone and was only ours to carry for a moment.

A fleeting moment.

The truth is, that kind of self inflicted punishment , the stones of guilt, worry and self persecution, they are the teachers but if held too long, become the true enemy of the human spirit.

Our tightly held grip on those emotions can turn illumination and ascension into self deprecating condemnation when not released.

Those stones block your light and keep it from reaching those who need it the most.
You are the only one who can actually remove those blinders so that you can see your value. And when you begin to see how much surviving those experiences have increased your worth, the world around you slowly begins to see it too.

Hardships slowly become opportunities and success replaces the feelings of failure.

I pray every day that you choose to see your journey through the light of truth and not the shroud of false narratives that our world has draped around you.

Because I saw your light when I needed it most. And without it, I never would have made it out of the dark.
So please, with everything in me, let me share a little bit of my light with you. Because you truly are the kind of person who makes life worth living.

I want to put this into the void, but before I share it anywhere, I want to share it with you. Firstly, because I love you.
I know that may sound scary, but it’s not a scary kind of love. It’s not possessive, it’s not obsessive, not controlling or transactional. It requires no title and asks nothing in return.
I am simply grateful that you exist.
It’s a healthy kind of love that not all of us are used to so I choose to embrace and honor it by sharing it with all of you because you too deserve to know that you are not alone.
You have witnessed me at my worst and in your own way you kept reaching. You kept reaching even when I was unable to reach back. And in a way, you saved a part of me that I thought wouldn’t make it.
Thank you .
Thank you, thank you.
A million thank yous would never be enough.

I see you.

I see you and I can tell you that even the worst parts of your past that you’ve shared with me do not make you a monster. They are simply stones on the path that led you to who you are today.
And who you are is so much more than you see.
We are fed a narrative from a very early age that we must acquire or accomplish specific things in this life by a certain age or we are worthless .
And that is the biggest lie we’ve ever believed.
They fed us all a shit sandwich and convinced us that it was fillet mignon.

In fact, you are far more valuable because of your experiences in this life. And I know you haven’t even shared the worst with me. Even still, I hope you know that none of it would make me flinch. I wouldn’t even bat an eye.

We have seen real monsters, and we are not them. Not even close.

You hold yourself accountable in ways that most would never understand. And the few of us who do “get it” are busy punishing ourselves as well.

Would you punish a child through the course of their entire life for acting out immorally before they understand the impact of their actions or would you enlighten them, teach them a better way and show them that they are still worth loving and choosing? Empowering them to become their true potential is the only way. So why not accept that you too deserve that level of grace?

We are all children here. No matter how many years we have walked on this earth.
We are all children. Children who have convinced themselves that they do not need to grow, learn and continuously develop until the very end.

Pride and stubbornness coupled with an inability to overcome shame.

I see us all.

I see us all and just there, even in your darkness, I see that little version of you.

And that little version of you is light in itself. A light that this world tried to extinguish.
The very fact that I see him means that they failed.
You are so worth loving. You are far more than you can even see.

Souls like that, like ours, the ones who look back at the mistakes they have made and still carry the weight of it all, well, they are the epitome of what true achievement is.

Not cars, not houses, not material assets, not anything you can hold with human hands.

True assets are held within the soul.

Let’s learn how to set down the stones we carry. The weight of the world belongs to atlas alone and was only ours to carry for a moment.

A fleeting moment.

The truth is, that kind of self inflicted punishment , the stones of guilt, worry and self persecution, they are the teachers but if held too long, become the true enemy of the human spirit.

Our tightly held grip on those emotions can turn illumination and ascension into self deprecating condemnation when not released.

Those stones block your light and keep it from reaching those who need it the most.
You are the only one who can actually remove those blinders so that you can see your value. And when you begin to see how much surviving those experiences have increased your worth, the world around you slowly begins to see it too.

Hardships slowly become opportunities and success replaces the feelings of failure.

I pray every day that you choose to see your journey through the light of truth and not the shroud of false narratives that our world has draped around you.

Because I saw your light when I needed it most. And without it, I never would have made it out of the dark.
So please, with everything in me, let me share a little bit of my light with you. Because you truly are the kind of person who makes life worth living.

Feel warm and loved wherever you are.
I hope that kindness and opportunity wraps itself around your spirit.
I hope that if I wonder into your thoughts, the corners of your lips rise a little like mine do when I think of you.
I hope you never feel as isolated as I do right now.

(I am putting this here too because I know it won’t go anywhere else. )

I saw you in the gym at my sons graduation

I only went over there to take pictures closer up. I went to stand against the wall and there you were. Nothing I’m about to say is gaslight you. These are my feelings and I have every right to scream them into the void. You have followed me since you left and it’s all but killed me inside that you just don’t get it, you were the one person who was supposed to know me.

You really need to look at this from my perspective if you read any further. You act like you are an advocate for those with various struggles, so genuinely look at your behavior toward me and tell me how that supports such a narrative.

When I saw you, I saw a dash in your eyes that was as empty and black as any void could be. It breaks my heart to see that where I once saw so much light and color.

You were once my entire world. The sun rose and set for me in those eyes right up until the end.

If you think who I became when it was over is truly who I am, you missed me entirely. Who I became was a guardian that needed to push the spiraling monster you became as far away from me as possible. I’m not saying I had no hand in our ending or that I am without fault, but the hate you flashed at me in your eyes tells me that you still haven’t looked at your own actions for what they were and that you blame me for reacting the way I did to your juvenile approach.

I know that my behavior was toxic. I have broken myself open in more ways than you will ever know. And honestly, I don’t care if you believe it or not.

You literally have no idea what was facing or how exhausting it was to deal with it all. You only knew what I showed you through your parental control app.

That infuriated me. It caused more damage than you can even comprehend. Especially with the bullshit I was dealing with on my google account. I am so disappointed with the city employees who took part in that, but that’s an entirely different discussion.

What my goal was, was to get you leave me alone and give me the space to heal or come forward and tell me yourself that you had installed it. Yeah I know, there are better ways to go about it. But I wasn’t dealing with a full deck back then. … and the only person I had to lean on was being a cunt. If you don’t consider what you did as cheating then you’re delusional. This isn’t Highschool. This is real life and knew what kind of path you were building before I even knew you on your way out. Having to hear you two together first hand destroyed me, far beyond the damage you were already causing. All those little comments you made here and there in the weeks prior still echo in my mind.
“You must be more autistic than I thought”
“What are those marks on your face” etc.
that one especially hurt. You knew those scars, we had that conversation. Being of mixed cultural background, my scars keloid and will become raised when my sed rate(inflammation markers) are high. And after all those years, why TF would say that to someone who is hurting, who loves you anyway.

I was left with no room to process or grieve. None whatsoever. And it’s almost like you expected me to take every single blow. You were throwing with Joy and not attack back. Anytime I would say anything I was met with an attack response from you or your minion, flying monkeys, whatever the hell you wanna call them. Attacking me personally, attacking my mental health, attacking every aspect of my personality and physical appearance. And if you think those people weren’t coming at me on their own accord and other ways, you are so dead wrong.

Let’s also not forget that there was another agenda being played out as a revenge tactic for you and I even being together in the first place.

Little subtle things that were happening months before any of this started that I kept sweeping under the rug because I was made to believe they were from you.

And I don’t know what you’ve put out into the void if anything at all, but you sure as hell know everything I have, and have also decided that some of the things that have been put out there were my responses as well. They were not.
But because you’ve been a coward and unable to talk about things face-to-face, you’ll never know, at this point, even if you did, I have no idea where your heads at or even if you’d believe me and it doesn’t matter anyway. You saw the attention of others so fast without even beginning to heal on your own that I know it’s just a matter of time before you end up crumbling and hating yourself again in front of your new person and I wonder how they’re gonna take it. The only reason that that comes to my mind and bothers me at all is because I loved you. More than you could possibly imagine. And the truth is I never stopped. I was just left on my own to get through that health crisis., grieve the deaths of friends and family, and try to figure out how to navigate this world with a now extremely empty house.

I doubt you will ever know all of the sacrifices I made just to be with you. And truly with the way everything played out in the end I don’t think you care. And that breaks my heart because I love you and I really do want the best possible outcome for you.
Whether you believe it or not, again that doesn’t matter to me. That’s how I feel. The situation just kept getting more toxic and more toxic as time went on because of how you would show up like I didn’t know the level of toxicity that was happening, I.E.parental control apps and to be honest at that time I also blamed you for a lot of the other things that we’re going on that I still have no idea whether or not you were aware of their happening or if it was happening to you also.

But again, after seeing that flash of hate on your face toward me in the gym that day, I have Little to no choice, but to believe that you had something to do with it. The hardest thing about all of this is that I have been left to deal with this on my own knowing that there has been so many times throughout where I was dying inside, crying my eyes out asking the universe why and you heard me. You heard me fall apart and you let me do it alone. You knew that I had no one else.

After that little stunt that you pulled with the court system, there’s no way that I could ever adjust outright come to you again. You had to have known that that would break me and you did it anyway.

It’s hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that you couldn’t sense something was wrong. Especially that day when you showed up with your whole “open hand/closed fist in the water bullshit. How was I supposed to meet you in any kind of way when I knew what you were doing.

And yet it’s all still held against me and your eyes. Anything and everything that I’ve had to say about that being attacked across multiple social platforms has only accomplished one thing and that is isolating someone who loved you entirely and making sure that they feel like they have no safe place in the world to process anything.
Everyone who played a part in that took an already fragile situation and blew it to smithereens. You became the equivalent to high school bullies on a schoolyard. If I saw anybody treating anyone that way, especially you even after everything we’ve been through I wouldn’t stand for it. I’d knock them flat on their ass.

What hurts the most as I miss the dynamic that we had. You know the one we had before the outside world was invited into our home. I’m sure you think that I behaved the way that I did to hurt you, and that is not true. I only behave that way to protect myself, especially since I felt like I was being attacked by the one person who had vowed to protect me.

I’m not sure what’s on the cards for me as far as life goes. I’m still just trying to make it from day today to navigate all of the things that I got left holding onto when you walked away.

I hate the fact that you only heard or more witness to those things that were said and done in order for me to protect myself and not all of the things that have been said or done since you’ve left. The fact that I don’t hold any of it truly against you but believe that in a very fragile state people will do absolutely crazy things because of love and pain.
But I would be a liar if I said your hatred toward me didn’t bother me. And it bothers me because I used to think you were the king of objectivity. I always thought you had the ability to view pretty much every experience with an objective eye, but this entire experience.

I miss our dynamic more than you could ever possibly imagine. I miss our life. I miss the way we clung to each other, encouraged and supported one another and truly religious cherished each other and our relationship.

I have remained single this entire time. There were a lot of parts of myself that needed to heal in order to ensure that I would not bring anything toxic into a new dynamic. because of everything that’s been done during and after our separation, I have a hard time even letting anybody close to me.

You have a completely different view of this entire situation because you have the advantage of being able to know where my head and heart is based on the ability to view what I write and know that it’s mine. I do not. And while I try to understand things from your point of view, it’s an entirely disproportionate situation.

The truth is you did real damage. Real long, lasting damage to someone who loved you.
And you can shout from the rooftops that I did XYZ, but you’re moving on. You’re moving on and still able to carry out romantic relationships and live your life as if I never existed.
Well, I am not living, I am barely existing at this point.
Truth is I have missed you and our life since this whole fiasco began. I feel injured and damaged on a whole new level.
I’m grieving in a way I never have before and there’s just no where to put any of these feelings.

I am beyond tired of this planet.

I hope you are okay.

I only went over there to take pictures closer up. I went to stand against the wall and there you were. Nothing I’m about to say is to gaslight you. These are my feelings and I have every right to scream them into the void. You have followed me since you left and it’s all but killed me inside that you just don’t get it, you were the one person who was supposed to know me.

You really need to look at this from my perspective if you read any further. You act like you are an advocate for those with various struggles, so genuinely look at your behavior toward me and tell me how that supports such a narrative.

When I saw you, I saw a flash in your eyes that was as empty and black as any void could be. It breaks my heart to see that where I once saw so much light and color.

You were once my entire world. The sun rose and set for me in those eyes right up until the end.

If you think who I became when it was over is truly who I am, you missed me entirely. Who I became was a guardian that needed to push the spiraling monster you became as far away from me as possible. I’m not saying I had no hand in our ending or that I am without fault, but the hate you flashed at me in your eyes tells me that you still haven’t looked at your own actions for what they were and that you blame me for reacting the way I did to your approach.

I know that my behavior was toxic. I have broken myself open in more ways than you will ever know in order to heal and take accountability. And honestly, I don’t care if you believe it or not, I did that for me, not you.

You literally have no idea what I was facing or how exhausting it was to deal with it all unless you were involved. You only knew what I showed you through your parental control app.

That infuriated me. It caused more damage than you can even comprehend. My heart was already breaking over everything else going wrong and we didn’t even know how sick I was at that point. Not to mention the bullshit I was dealing with on my google account. I am so disappointed with the city employees who took part in that, but that’s an entirely different discussion.

What my goal was, was to get you to just leave me alone and give me the space to heal or come forward and tell me yourself that you had installed it. Yeah I know, there are better ways to go about it. But I wasn’t dealing with a full deck back then. … and the only person I had to lean on was you, the person deceiving me. If you don’t consider what you did as cheating then you’re delusional. This isn’t Highschool. This is real life and you knew what kind of path you were building before I even knew you were on your way out. Having to hear you two together first hand destroyed me, far beyond the damage you were already causing. You told me you didn’t want to leave, that you had no intention to, and that says a lot about what I meant to you.

All those little comments you made here and there in the weeks prior still echo in my mind.
“You must be more autistic than I thought”
“What are those marks on your face” etc.
that one especially hurt. You knew those scars, we had that conversation. Being of mixed cultural background, my scars keloid and will become raised when my sed rate(inflammation markers) are high. And after all those years, why TF would you say that to someone who is hurting, who loves you anyway. Were you lying about how happy you were the whole time? Did you ever mean the things you said? Was I the only one who really loved in this?

I was left with no room to process or grieve. None whatsoever. And it’s almost like you expected me to take every single blow You were throwing at me, with Joy and not attack back. Anytime I would say anything I was met with an attack response from you or your minion, flying monkeys, whatever the hell you wanna call them. Attacking me personally, attacking my mental health, attacking every aspect of my personality and physical appearance. And if you think those people weren’t coming at me on their own accord in other ways, you are so dead wrong. It was non stop. All that did was make the situation worse.

Let’s also not forget that there was another agenda being played out as a revenge tactic for you and I even being together in the first place.

Little subtle things that were happening months before any of this started that I kept sweeping under the rug because I was made to believe they were from you. It all adds up.
I needed to process it all. I needed to know if it was you or if it was happening to you too. And the way you were so dismissive of me and how I was hurting, didn’t you know I would be gutted after what I heard and saw? I even kept trying to be compassionate, but every time you shut me down it just built up more pressure.

And I don’t know what you’ve put out into the void if anything at all, but you sure as hell know everything I have, and have also decided that some of the things that have been put out there were my responses as well. They were not.
But because you’ve been afraid to face me and unable to talk about things face-to-face, you’ll never know, at this point, even if you did, I have no idea where your heads at or even if you’d believe me or if you’d resort to insults and name calling over making peace and being cordial. and it doesn’t matter anyway. You saught the attention of others so fast without even beginning to heal on your own that I know it’s just a matter of time before you end up crumbling and hating yourself again in front of your new person and I wonder how they’re gonna take it. The only reason that that comes to my mind and bothers me at all is because I loved you. More than you could possibly imagine. And the truth is I never stopped. I was just left on my own to get through that health crisis., grieve the deaths of friends and family, and try to figure out how to navigate this world with a now extremely empty house. And no, I am not trying to get you back or attempt to garner your sympathy. Dammit, above all else, you were my best friend.

I doubt you will ever know all of the sacrifices I made just to be with you. And truly with the way everything played out in the end I don’t think you care. And that breaks my heart because I loved you as a whole person and I really do want the best possible outcome for you.
Whether you believe it or not, again that doesn’t matter to me. That’s how I feel.
The situation just kept getting more toxic and more toxic as time went on because of how you would show up like I didn’t know the level of toxicity that was happening, I.E.parental control apps and to be honest at that time I also blamed you for a lot of the other things that we’re going on that I still have no idea whether or not you were aware of their happening or if it was happening to you also.

But again, after seeing that flash of hate on your face toward me in the gym that day, I have Little to no choice, but to believe that you had something to do with it.
The hardest thing about all of this is that I have been left to deal with this on my own knowing that there has been so many times throughout where I was dying inside, crying my eyes out asking the universe why and you heard me. You heard me fall apart and you let me do it alone. You knew that I had no one else.

After that little stunt that you pulled with the court system, there’s no way that I could or would ever just outright come to you again. You had to have known that would break me and you did it anyway.

It’s hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that you couldn’t sense something was wrong. Especially that day when you showed up with your whole “open hand/closed fist in the water bullshit. How was I supposed to meet you in any kind of way when I knew what you were doing.

And yet it’s all still held against me in your eyes. Anything and everything that I’ve had to say about that has resulted in me being attacked across multiple social platforms and has only accomplished one thing and that is isolating someone who loved you entirely and making sure that they feel like they have no safe place in the world to process anything.
Everyone who played a part in that took an already fragile situation and blew it to smithereens. You became the equivalent to high school bullies on a schoolyard. If I saw anybody treating anyone that way, especially you even after everything we’ve been through I wouldn’t stand for it. I’d knock them flat on their ass.

What hurts the most as I miss the dynamic that we had. You know the one we had before the outside world was invited into our home. I’m sure you think that I behaved the way that I did to hurt you, and that is not true. I only behave that way to protect myself, especially since I felt like I was being attacked by the one person who had vowed to protect me.

I’m not sure what’s on the cards for me as far as life goes. I’m still just trying to make it from day today to navigate all of the things that I got left holding onto when you walked away.

I hate the fact that you only heard or more witness to those things that were said and done in order for me to protect myself and not all of the things that have been said or done since you’ve left. The fact that I don’t hold any of it truly against you but believe that in a very fragile state people will do absolutely crazy things because of love and pain.
But I would be a liar if I said your hatred toward me didn’t bother me. And it bothers me because I used to think you were the king of objectivity. I always thought you had the ability to view pretty much every experience with an objective eye, but this entire experience.

I miss our dynamic more than you could ever possibly imagine. I miss our life. I miss the way we clung to each other, encouraged and supported one another and truly religious cherished each other and our relationship.

I have remained single this entire time. There were a lot of parts of myself that needed to heal in order to ensure that I would not bring anything toxic into a new dynamic. because of everything that’s been done during and after our separation, I have a hard time even letting anybody close to me.

You have a completely different view of this entire situation because you have the advantage of being able to know where my head and heart is based on the ability to view what I write and know that it’s mine. I do not. And while I try to understand things from your point of view, it’s an entirely disproportionate situation.

The truth is you did real damage. Real long, lasting damage to someone who loved you.
And you can shout from the rooftops that I did XYZ, but you’re moving on. You’re moving on and still able to carry out romantic relationships and live your life as if I never existed.
Well, I am not living, I am barely existing at this point.
Truth is I have missed you and our life since this whole fiasco began. I feel injured and damaged on a whole new level.
I’m grieving in a way I never have before and there’s just no where to put any of these feelings.

I am beyond tired of this planet.

I hope you are okay.

I know it hurts. Let’s set this big baggage down for a minute. I’m tired of that game anyway and only played because I thought the opponents weren’t you.

I’m sorry. But we will come back to that later.

Right now, I’m more worried about your heart .

I love you and I can’t imagine how bad it’s hurting right now. I’m sorry I’ve been a jackass on top of it all.

I hope you know how much I care about you. So much. I’m here for you right now. Just tell me what I can do

Thank you for being kind. Thank you for not being real and honestly just spending the time to get to know me without being a creep. Thank you for building me up without even trying to build me up.. thank you so much, your time is appreciated more than you know

Went out like it was nuked. I made sure of it. I had placed my heart in the hands of someone I loved fully and they dropped it.
I had never felt so safe, so content, so grateful. I lived in a state of vulnerability that begged for inhalation, so inhalation came.

Now,
I’m learning not to flinch when people come near.

I learned that people will hate you when you don’t willingly let them butcher your heart. When you see the manipulation they are feeding you, the way they lovingly stroke your face with one hand and disembowel you with the other .

They will tell you they love you but only if you pretend not to see their bullshit.

I saw it, I accepted it, I loved the good and the bad, until it turned on me.

I was expected to remain meek and passive, to keep my promises while they broke theirs.

Where love had once mended so many wounds , came devastating blows .

They expected me to silently accept their mistreatment and I answered chaos with fury. The kind of fury that’s born from pain.

Someone once told me not to show anyone what you have or love the most, because if they can’t take it, then they will brake it.

I never understood or believed that until now.

But it didn’t make me bitter. It just left me with sorrow.

I am overcoming the disappointment I have for myself with growth and grace

Healing and overcoming my own faults. Holding myself accountable for my wrongs.

If I am hated for that, so be it. Those that would harbor hatred toward me clearly have their own hellscape to traverse in order to heal where that comes from.

I finally learned how to forgive myself and allow myself to accept that grace.

I was left in the darkness that I was raised in. And I’m no longer afraid of it. I refused to let the world devour my light because in the end, it was the only one that allowed me to see that love is still the answer .

I know where love comes from and see what becomes of the human spirit when it’s absent.

I hold no animosity but I accept that it visits us all. I simply refuse to let it build its home within me.

It’s not an easy thing to hold, “reality.”. The acceptance of reality has an edge that pierces almost any surface. To hold that without callousness is to become ambiguity itself.
Just because I refuse to break doesn’t mean I am unbreakable .

It’s more than becoming bendable in order to bypass being snapped in half. It’s learning to become fluid.

I expect things that bring me joy to also hold the capacity to bring about equal parts pain and suffering, but I still reach for joy. And I embrace that I find joy in the success and well being of others. I find joy in healing.

Who would have ever thought that having pieces of oneself ripped and chipped away would ever bring them closer to wholeness. Such a stark contrast, a contradiction that I do not have to understand in order to believe or accept.
Grace gave me that.

I give myself the grace the world refused me. I give myself the grace the world tried to convince me I do not deserve.

And I accept it.

I am an affectionate person by design. I crave touch. But I won’t let just anyone touch me.
It’s been so long since I’ve felt the presence of another person within my personal space that I feel like something inside of my soul is dying.
And as much as I miss and crave intimacy, I’m not even talking about any kind of sexual contact.

Just comfort.affection in general, safety.

I don’t know what to do. There’s no way Im lowering the bar. I mean, my inner freak is screaming and I’d be over the moon happy just to be close enough to hear someone breath while we talked.

I miss being close and fearless. Not second guessing or cautious .

And I’m thinking that clearly you don’t remember what I went through in the last year and a half almost 2 years here. It’s not like I was cosmically found. I was stocked, I was bullied, horrible things were said to me day and day out I was in the darkest headspace I’ve ever been in in my life. You guys listened as I fell apart, and nobody came. I’ve made a point to explain that what I need is for someone to show up and talk to me. But no one ever came and then when we did finally meet up for coffee, you hardly set a full paragraph. You’ve been back-and-forth on this fence of hating me or loving me. I wasn’t even given the timer space that I needed to grieve. And there was so much to grieve I have so many beautiful things to say to you, but I’m not gonna say them here and I’ve made a point to state that I wasn’t even going to acknowledge anybody’s presence on this app, but I would continue to use it as I always have. A way to get things off my chest I’m not gonna get into the finger-pointing or the reasons why for anything, not here just know that you’re loved and appreciated and if you ever wanna real conversation, you know where to find me.

The way I long to hear you speak?
You don’t give your words out easily, but you were comfortable enough to share them with me. Each one snuck past your lips and clung to me. Now they provoke me to inquire more. I fantasize about just laying my head down close to your shoulder and taking it all in. Tell me a story? Your story? Can you see all of that when you look at me? That I want to know more? You’ve been comfortable to me from the moment I met you,let’s get comfy together and see where the wind takes us.

Why did you put that in there. What is it? I threw it away because it looked icky

This day is going to hit hard for a lil while. I miss you, everyone does. I imagine you are out there in the wheel house, driving the cosmos while sipping on your plum wine. 🫂🫂🫂 I’m going back to sleep, dad, come hug me in my dreams. Your grandson’s love and miss you too. They are amazing, such good men. I know that wherever you are, you’re proud.

The smell of the grass is sweeter this morning. The birds are bellowing a symphony of songs, and I am smiling. Looking across the water as the sun pulls itself closer to the mountain tops. It almost looks like clouds are on fire,

I hope you see the goodness in the world , this morning, I hope you feel lighter, your cup gets filled. And if you happen to think about me, I hope you smile also😊

All the things I didn’t say
Became misunderstanding

Love was never lost I just felt safe enough for landing

I let myself believe you meant your words of pure devotion
So I could dive into myself
And quiet the commotion.

Plans were changing, loved ones dying, tainted with despair
I fled the outside, and sunk within to fix my center there

And I became a target

Like a sheet of paper soaked through and through with rain
Fragile from years of holding so much hidden pain

When all the hands came reaching and grasping at my spirit
I split and tore yet while i screamed not one of you could hear it.

To me the crowd became one voice and as I grew to fear it
I was blamed for missing what you said because I couldn’t hear it.

The cosmos kept on throwing punches throughout this chaotic slaughter
As I became the scape goat and the center point of laughter

Mocked and blamed and bullied, as I stood within the fire,
You told me that I lied so out of spite I became a liar.

I threw my voice into the dark at every sharp attack
To see where it would disappear and where it echoed back

Now the only think I know for truth that I can say for certain
Is who did what’s still a mystery behind the voids dark curtain.

The only ones who helped me are the ones that you call trash
The tried, the true, and tested are those who pulled me from the ash

So pardon me if you don’t get the reply you want hear
But how can I address you if you hide from shame and fear

You know where to find me, I’ve been hear all along shouting “face to face is the only way to right a wrong”

And to the only one who really saw the unfiltered part of me
When I can look you in the eyes you’ll get your apology

I’ve never been afraid to say your name in any place or crowd
And when I call you dear to me I say it loud and proud

They shrieked that I was not the kind to take accountability
But all my pride, my grief and shame is right here on my sleeve

Right where it has always been, it’s been there from the start
Stitched into the fabric where I’ve always kept my heart

So to the ones that judged me while I dodged bullets every day

Go fuck yourselves, no really, six ways from every Sunday.

All the things I didn’t say
Became misunderstanding

Love was never lost I just felt safe enough for landing

I let myself believe you meant your words of pure devotion
So I could dive into myself
And quiet the commotion.

Plans were changing, loved ones dying, tainted with despair
I fled the outside, and sunk within to fix my center there

And I became a target

Like a sheet of paper soaked through and through with rain
Fragile from years of holding so much hidden pain

When all the hands came reaching and grasping at my spirit
I split and tore yet while i screamed not one of you could hear it.

To me the crowd became one voice and as I grew to fear it
I was blamed for missing what you said because I couldn’t hear it.

The cosmos kept on throwing punches throughout this chaotic slaughter
As I became the scape goat and the center point of laughter

Mocked and blamed and bullied, as I stood within the fire,
You told me that I lied so out of spite I became a liar.

I threw my voice into the dark at every sharp attack
To see where it would disappear and where it echoed back

Now the only think I know for truth that I can say for certain
Is who did what’s still a mystery behind the voids dark curtain.

The only ones who helped me are the ones that you call trash
The tried, the true, and tested are those who pulled me from the ash

So pardon me if you don’t get the reply you want hear
But how can I address you if you hide from shame and fear

You know where to find me, I’ve been hear all along shouting “face to face is the only way to right a wrong”

And to the only one who really saw the unfiltered part of me
When I can look you in the eyes you’ll get your apology

I’ve never been afraid to say your name in any place or crowd
And I call you dear to me I say it loud and proud

They shrieked that I was not the kind to take accountability
But all my pride, my grief and shame is right here on my sleeve

Right where it has always been, it’s been there from the start
Stitched into the fabric where I’ve always kept my heart

So to the ones that judged me while I dodged bullets every day

Go fuck yourselves, no really, six ways from every Sunday.