u/hengmis

here's my smapi log. i dont have a screenshot but when i opened up my game after it crashed the first time (which already gave me a bad feeling bc modded stardew has never crashed on me before) the farmhouse layout was the vanilla layout so all my furniture was clipping into the walls since i had been using aimon's farmhouse this whole time. i didnt add any new mods into the game and the last time i played on that save with all the same mods it was running perfectly fine... i wouldve been willing to just cut my losses and use the vanilla layout but after skimming through the log it looks like some other mods failed to load as well..? i didnt really keep the game open long enough to try to guess what else it was lol. im not sure whats causing the loading issue here, if anyone could help me figure it out i would appreciate it!

it's also worth noting that the mods that arent currently up to date have not been updated since i last installed them, i dont know why it keeps telling me theres a newer version for them but the game itself ran just fine regardless.. at least before today it did 😭 it also appears that aimon's farmhouse mod was updated recently for the first time in a while, is it no longer compatible with another mod i have? should i downgrade the version im using?

here's the log report, in case it helps: https://mclo.gs/PUjlCmG

the modpack is only on curseforge (it's called infinite horizons, its a modded superflat pack and i only really added mizuno's resource packs to it and an additional shader pack + iris/oculus shader folder cuz idk if it had one already) and i played it last night just fine on my pc, even after importing it over to modrinth, so i downloaded the modrinth instance i exported last night and tried running it on my laptop to play when im not home but the game keeps crashing whenever i try opening it. the same thing is happening when i try running it through curseforge itself but i wasnt able to figure out how to share that log so im using the log i got from modrinth.

i thought it was a mod thing at first but it runs without issue on my pc, and its also not the only modpack ive tried playing lately on my laptop that has been crashing on me. i have a macbook air with an M4 chip and 16gb ram, ive played a few 300+ mod type packs before on this laptop and besides the low fps on some of the heavier modpacks it generally runs decently enough, but for some reason i cant get this one and a few other modpacks to work lately and i feel like it might be my mac but im really not sure what kind of issue it could be.. its weird bc im able to load up the launcher and see the main menu and start a new world but as soon as i click create world the game crashes before ive even managed to join it. is this something i can fix (like an issue with java on my laptop) or can my laptop itself just not handle that much processing at all?

this is a little long, i apologize for that. i could’ve probably researched a little more but i was finding it hard to trust anything i read because i don’t know the kind of motivations those people had prior to starting CBT. my original question was going to sound like “do you have to have a certain mindset in order for CBT to actually work” which… i think i can answer that myself already because it’s obvious that you have to be willing to put in the work and hold yourself accountable in order for change to actually occur. my issue, however, is that i feel like i lack the motivation for… anything, really. i shy away from calling it a lack of will to live because from arguments ive had with my family they’ve told me i have a victim complex and i really don’t want to sound like an unreliable narrator here by spinning all my shortcomings into this whole “woe is me” shit

my motivation comes in bursts so i have periods of trying what i believe to be my best, and i have periods of just complete avoidance and inconsistency and relapsing on lazy habits bc the path of least resistance is one i’m very familiar with. i genuinely feel like im too “self aware” for cbt because i already know where the line is between it being a result of my diagnosed ADHD (which im being medicated for) and a result of the shitty habits i developed as a teen to cope with it prior to my diagnosis. i’m 26 years old so beyond having someone to vent my frustrations to i have no idea how any real change is actually feasible for me by this point, i feel like an old dog you can’t train to behave differently no matter how much you try.

to make a long story short, the self-discipline i severely lack is keeping me from changing anything because its very easy for someone to tell me “do a little bit of x every day even if its hard, even if you get bored of it” and for me to just… not do it. i feel so incredibly immature and prone to magical-thinking and i don’t know if the times i Have put in the effort were real or not. someone simply telling me to do something hasn’t worked before, so would cbt *actually* help me change this attitude or do i need to find some other more specific/stronger form of therapy, or just… deal with it on my own?

i graduated from high school in 2018, and in that time i swapped majors 4 times. the first 3 i tried out i didn't exactly get very far in without getting bored and switching out (i was still doing my gen ed associates stuff so i didn't feel any pressure at the time to stick with anything), but after being on and off of college bc of covid, i finally came around to wanting to study physics in 2022. i... really thought this would be the one. i had a whole plan and vision for my future for the very first time in my life and it's also a subject im super fascinated by bc of my love for astronomy so i was really hoping it would go well, but naturally the calculus courses got... very hard, and i couldn't keep up. i was unable to make any progress in the major bc i couldn't get past calc 2, and having to retake it several times (which i already did for calc 1) really tanked my gpa, so over the past 10 months i changed unis and applied for radiography. to make a long story short, after putting so much into passing all the prereq courses for imaging sciences and doing as well as i could've on the entrance exam, i was ultimately still rejected. and... now i feel like i reached yet another standstill.

it was already kind of hard to wrap my head around the fact i was no longer doing physics, but i banked so much on getting into this radiography program bc i thought my chances were so high since i did really well in the classes i took. but i didnt get accepted, so now i have the option of either waiting to see if im reconsidered (assuming positions open up before the 24th of this month) or applying for next year's cohort or simply just... changing career paths again.

to be entirely honest, it's kinda hard not to feel like shit all the time lately cuz of this. i miss physics so much but calculus genuinely put belt to ass and the next thing i was willing to consider was geology which, from what i saw, has calc 2 as a major requirement as well. i dont want to do law school or med school, but i also want to keep the lifestyle i have now thanks to my dad (who is a radiologist; it was his idea for me to try out radiography since i was previously trying to go for machine quality assurance in medical physics anyway), and radiography felt like my last chance at that. the tech industry is a disaster right now and i also dont feel like i have the personality or the skillset of someone who could find any sort of success without going to college. i... really don't know what else to do anymore. i suppose i can just do nothing again for a whole extra year and try again next summer but im feeling a lot of pressure from my family of over-achievers to get at least something done before 2028, and as it stands right now i don't exactly have anything to show for all the hard work i thought i'd been putting in, which makes the past 8 years feel like a complete waste of both time and money (bc naturally, the only reason i was able to keep moving things around so much is cuz i had been paying for everything out of pocket... 🙃). what else is there for someone like me to do? is it even worth still trying to get through college?

(also.. pls dont say smth like "higher education just isnt for everyone", i know that, but i also spent so much of my life thinking i would go to college and get a good job that the statement just feels like this big 'i told you so' and i already feel shitty/inadequate enough as is, so i really dont want to hear that rn 😭)

An error occurred

I/O error: No such file or directory (os error 2), path: /Users/(my name)/Library/Application Support/ModrinthApp/meta/java_versions/zulu16.32.15-ca-jre16.0.2-macosx_aarch64/Contents/Home/bin/java

im not sure what this means 😭 i tested it out by making a new instance with a newer version of mc and it worked just fine so im wondering if its just cuz 1.17.1 is older..? idk i just wanna play modded superflat with pre-generated structures </3