u/hiraethz03

I am a 22 years old woman, and I have a problem with sex, because I do it even thought I’m not married, and not with the same partner. Sometimes it’s even kinky sex.

I don’t live by sex but at the same time I enjoy having it and the intimacy of it. I feel extremely dirty and guilty. And I also believe i suffer from OCD so anything I do I feel like I’m a piece of sh*t.

I consider myself to be a rational person, in the major aspects of my life at least. I grew up Catholic but alternated between non believing, agnosticism and Christianity.

I have an intense fear of hell that keeps stopping me from deconstruction. And I have read lots and lots of books and scholarly papers, starting from the origins of the OT, the possible influences of Babylonian culture and Zoroastrianism, to the influence of Hellenistic eschatology in the NT. I read all of Ehrman’s books and I try my best to have a rational approach. Especially given my immense interest for evolution, paleontology, astronomy and science overall.

Somehow I feel like my fear stems from anxiety and untreated OCD/compulsive behavior, certainly, years of indoctrination didn’t really help. But I’m not able to get any kind of treatment and/or therapy at the moment.

Especially because I, as a woman, truly enjoy sex, but at the same time it is exactly sex that triggers my irrational fear of some sort of afterlife punishment. What gets me are the visions of hell of Christians and the stance of the Catholic Church regarding the matter. (Not to talk about exorcism, miracles and visions).

Funnily enough, I am also afraid of any other kind of hell that’s present in the main religions, the Christian one scares me more because of cultural reasons I guess. All I know is that I’ve spent the last two weeks spiraling and crying every day trying to rationalize this fear and deconstruct for once, but I can’t seem to.

Any kind of advice is appreciated.

I consider myself to be a rational person, in the major aspects of my life at least. I grew up Catholic but alternated between non believing, agnosticism and Christianity.

I have an intense fear of hell that keeps stopping me from deconstruction. And I have read lots and lots of books and scholarly papers, starting from the origins of the OT, the possible influences of Babylonian culture and Zoroastrianism, to the influence of Hellenistic eschatology in the NT. I read all of Ehrman’s books and I try my best to have a rational approach. Especially given my immense interest for evolution, paleontology, astronomy and science overall.

Somehow I feel like my fear stems from anxiety and untreated OCD/compulsive behavior, certainly, years of indoctrination didn’t really help. But I’m not able to get any kind of treatment and/or therapy at the moment.

Especially because I, as a woman, truly enjoy sex, but at the same time it is exactly sex that triggers my irrational fear of some sort of afterlife punishment. What gets me are the visions of hell of Christians and the stance of the Catholic Church regarding the matter. (Not to talk about exorcism, miracles and visions).

Funnily enough, I am also afraid of any other kind of hell that’s present in the main religions, the Christian one scares me more because of cultural reasons I guess. All I know is that I’ve spent the last two weeks spiraling and crying every day trying to rationalize this fear and deconstruct for once, but I can’t seem to.

Any kind of advice is appreciated.

Hello everyone. I am going to try to sum things up in the best way possible.

I am a 22 years old woman from Italy, grew up Catholic, slowly “turned” agnostic, then had two huge spiritual challenges, at 16/17 and 20 years old and turned Christian (non denominal). I can’t even explain how painful going through that was, lots of fear and anxiety. Then over time, any time I go through some kind of crisis, I always lean towards an agnostic view. I don’t claim to know the truth because I truly see myself as an humble human being and I feel like I can’t know for sure. I am ignorant on a lot of things and I am not afraid to admit it, you can always do better and learn more, but I guess that you can never be 100% when it comes to the metaphysical.

Anyways, once again I’m going through a huge spiritual crisis. It started around two weeks ago, there was no trigger as it was really random, but I guess it has to do something with the way I was taught to feel guilty and inherently bad. Especially because I am into the BDSM lifestyle, which I truly enjoy and gives me a purpose that is far more than simply recreational. I generally have a low self esteem, and I always feel like anything I do is somehow wrong and negative.
Once again I find myself spending the whole day reading the Bible, forums, scholarship papers and videos because the fear I have of hell is incredibly persuasive and terrifying.
The uncertainty and the what ifs keep me up at night, I am afraid I’m way too far gone (as a sinner) and that there’s no hope for me, and the more I “study” and try to learn the more I get scared.

I’ve been crying the whole day, I have been having racing blasphemous thoughts for years now, I have to do many weird stuff like doing the sign of the Cross on my right cheek, repeating like a mantra that I love God, and I sometimes end up crying even more and beating my head any time I have a negative thought.

I literally don’t know what to do, I have always been a person with an open mind and willing to dive more into spirituality, I was really into Mahayana Buddhism, feeling like I had some sort of connection with Amida and practicing the nembutsu, I love reading about NDEs, but I’m also an enthusiast of human evolution theories and paleontology. All of these things (and more) seem to collide with my fear of going to hell, especially after learning about Calvinism and realizing that I am probably damned already.

Exactly today, I cried so much that I ended up begging God to give me a sign, to help me, as I realized that nothing was gonna happen, I begged him to kill me instantly and take me to hell right away. It’s not the first time I ask him to give me a sudden hearth attack or inflict a strong pain on my body (especially foot or leg) to prove that he exists and if he’s angry with me.

I feel so dumb writing this because I understand that it’s not rational, but I’ve learned so much about the academical nature of the Bible and now I find it hard to believe in Christianity. But the idea of not believing it scares me even more because of what could await me and my loved ones in the afterlife.

Any insight, advice or personal experience you’re willing to share if you’ve gone through something similar is EXTREMELY appreciated. I feel lost.

Hello everyone. Let me preface by saying that I am absolutely not an expert on the matter and that’s why I’m looking for some more information.

I stumbled upon the idea that Plato’s view of an “immortal” soul (as separated from the body/flesh) may have influenced the eschatology of the early CE period, possibly influencing Paul’s eschatological beliefs.
Is it a possibility or where can I read more about the influence of Greek philosophy in the NT?

EDIT: Thank you so much. This sub is amazing and extremely helpful!

I’m really scared, literally shaking. I’m afraid that’s gonna be my fate too.

To sum things up, I (22F) was born in a Catholic (not really practicing) family, I had a pleasant experience within the Church and religion was seen more as a tradition than anything else, so as I grew up I “naturally” stopped believing, at least in the Christian God, I would’ve called myself an Agnostic.

At 16/17 I had my first spiritual crisis, I believe social media was a big contributor to it, because I got exposed to the toxicity of American Christianity (I want to specify something, there’s toxic religious people in my country too, but the approach towards religion is really…different. I can try to explain myself better if required), and I started spiraling, the only type of Christianity I knew was Catholicism, which was apparently sinful in nature. The more I tried to correct my behavior the more I felt like I was doing something wrong, I was extremely suicidal, and I had kind of accepted I was going to suffer in hell.

Gradually, things evolved once again, I kind of became less fearful and started to embrace spirituality in a more intimate and personal way.

This is how things went until I was 20, once again I started suffering from an incredible spiritual crisis and a lingering anxious feeling. It was even worse that time. I started reading hell testimonies and I vividly remember crying myself to sleep thinking about my loved ones suffering and begging God to help me somehow. I started having really bad, fast thoughts against God and Christianity in general, they got so bad that I still have them EVERY single day, I have to repeat in my mind (and say it when possible) “I love God and Jesus and I rebuke Satan”. I wish I was kidding and it’s really embarrassing but even once I somehow “deconstructed” I still had to repeat this mantra every day.

Studying about the origins of Christianity and the notions of heaven/hell helped a lot, I read a lot about the Canaan region pantheon, the merging of different deities, the chronological order of the gospels etc. I didn’t consider myself a Christian anymore (aside from those things that I have to repeat everyday because the fear keeps lingering).
I lived two years not believing in Christianity anymore, having somehow an agnostic approach, leaning towards Mahayana Buddhism.

This until two weeks ago, don’t ask me how because I don’t know, but once again this anxious feeling started creeping in, I immediately started reading B. Ehrman once again because he is the most helpful scholar. This time it’s not helping, I keep reading hell testimonies and I feel a weight on my chest, I am so freaking scared once again and I don’t know what to believe.

I am really active in the BDSM lifestyle, I’m kind of known there, and I love it. But I’ve gone no contact these two weeks because of it, and I feel like shit because I miss it. I’m also graduating university soon, and I am unable to finish my thesis because I spend the whole day trying to calm this anxiety and reading about religious stuff. I can’t afford therapy atm.

Any insight, experience or anything else could be helpful.

TW because I’m gonna talk about blood and purging.

The reason I’m writing this is that I hope I can shed some light on this disorder, because while the majority of us here already suffer from it, I’m sure that there are some people lurking here who may actually want to start purging.

I’ve been purging for at least eleven years, (I’m almost 23 years old). I don’t have a diagnosis and probably never will, but I’ve been alternating between a restrictive and a purging disorder ever since I was really young.

In the past months (since October) bulimia has definitely been the predominant disorder, I have been purging every single day, from 2 to 3 times a day aside from a few exceptions. Without going into details, I’m just gonna say that this last purge was different because I think my body can’t handle it anymore.

Well, I feel like my body is catching on fire. I suffer from chronic gastritis and I still have never felt a pain as unbearable as this. I wouldn’t even be able to describe how terrible I’m feeling. My whole mouth is sore because I scratched my throat so badly and I started losing blood from my nose and mouth. It looked like a scene straight out of an horror movie.
I looked at myself and it was actually traumatizing. There was blood and I had bad bloodshot eyes, I kind off fell on the floor in the moment I tried to leave the bathroom because I felt no energy at all. I don’t even remember much aside from falling asleep and waking up with this tremendous stomachache.
Nothing is working, no medication or anything else.

I have been crying ever since this morning which is something that never happened, I just feel so shaken from what happened. I seriously thought I was going to die and I was home alone. I had promised the people around me that I had stopped purging and it felt too embarrassing to ask for help. This was a huge wake up call. This disorder has taken EVERYTHING from me, I am a shallow person without any hobbies or interests, and now I’m going to have to spend the rest of the day in my bed because I feel so cold and dizzy, and I was supposed to work on my thesis.

If you’re reading this, especially if you are younger than me, take it as a sign to recover. You don’t want to end up like me, you don’t want to die as a young person with your head in a toilet bowl surrendered by your own blood and vomit.
It’s not worth having a low BMI, being skinny or whatever, your body is going to react and you’ll be fucked.

Please, please stay safe and do everything in your power to not purge. I know my words mean nothing but, especially if you are considering purging, remember that you are putting your own life at risk. There are healthy ways to lose weight if you need to, just as there are healthy ways to process your emotions. Nothing about purging is worth it.

I’ll be honest, this is mainly going to be a rant. I’m a 22F living in Italy, and I’ve been vegan only since a year and a few months. It was a sudden decision, I had always wanted to become vegan as a child but during my teenage years I had been convinced that it was going to worsen my health (I have some health issues because of an ED. Aside from the fact that I actually got better following a vegan diet, the well being and life of animals has been the number one priority in my decision).

I was lucky enough to be surrounded by a really supportive family, they are not vegan sadly but at least I never had to feel criticized or ostracized by them, which I know is pretty common..

The main issue is that I feel like I’m unable to have any meaningful and deep relationship with anyone who is not vegan. I feel like there will always be inevitably a barrier between the way I see the world and the way they do. I do not consider myself a saint or anything similar, but I feel like I can’t really open up with people who don’t share my ethics. It’s not like I want everyone to see the world as I do, that would be impossible and somehow childish.

But me being a vegan is actually the main thing in my life, veganism shapes my worldview, decisions, philosophy and lifestyle. I can’t help but see non vegan people as a part of this nefarious cycle of exploitation and cruelty, I don’t care how much of a great person they are, they still appear as evil in my eyes. I realize it’s wrong and it’s a controversial thing to say, but I feel so alone and misunderstood.

The only vegan person I know is a guy, but we only see each other for sexual reasons and I don’t really know him anyways, and I don’t see myself as having some kind of friendship with him (I don’t even think he would be interested but that’s another story lmao). I’ve been trying to build some connections with vegan people in my city but it’s hard and while there’s surely many people in my city who are vegan, they still live far away, but I’m still trying to get to meet new people.

The main issue is that I feel like any kind of relationship in my life is not “deep” because they’re not vegan, it warps my perception of them and at the same time I feel like they’ll never be able to understand me.

I’m sorry for the rant, this is probably really dumb and maybe I shouldn’t base my relationships on that, but I can’t help it. I feel like I’m surrounded by people who simply don’t have any empathy.