u/i0lala

hi ! i asked in r/notebooks if i should get a filofax, and so far the reviews have been pretty positive on there, but many people complain about the sizing. my handwriting is pretty small, so i have no problem with smaller notebooks, but i can’t really decide which one i should buy. overall, i love to customize my notebooks (they often end up being really chunky) and travel a lot, so i’m looking for something that won’t take a lot of bag space and it’s easy to use for everyday life as a newly college student !

thanks in advance, and i’m looking forward y’all’s suggestions xx

sooo, i’ve recently turned 20 and i want to keep track of many grown-girl aspects of my life in one place. i’ve been eyeing filofax notebooks, they seem to be practical and customizable, but i need some honest reviews. i travel a lot through the city and love journaling, which makes me lean towards wanting to take extra goodies to decorate, but i don’t want to take a lot of space in my bag as well, so i think the sizing might work for me.

have any of you tried them before? and, are they worth it?

I've been dealing with depression throughout all my teenage years, I'm about to be 20, and I feel like everything is going backwards. It has almost been a year since I moved alone to Germany, and I couldn't regret it more. My hometown is a pretty small and shitty city in Mexico. I was tired of feeling trapped in there; everyone knew everyone´s business. I was bullied constantly in middle school for my looks and for being "weird", but when COVID started I made sure to change myself (I got medicated), made some friends and moved schools. Everything went pretty well for a while until I met the worst guy imaginable. All my friends had boyfriends, situationships, you name it, but not me. I honestly didn't like this guy at all. He was pretty mean from the beginning and he just didn't seem attractive to me, but I gave it a go after learning that we had pretty much the same music taste and that he could play the guitar. He was extremely controlling from the get go, always calling me, questioning me about everything, hatting on how I dressed, did my hair, etc, etc. After a while, he started to become more and more touchy, and how he loved insisting about us getting sexual with each other. I fucking hated it, I always tried to tell him no, to come up with excuses on why I didn't wanted to do x or y thing with him. It all collided on him forcing himself on me. After that, I once again sank into that bottomless pit that I have felt not long ago. I wanted to kill myself so bad, but never had the guts. I remained hopeful as he "broke up" with me and left me alone for a while. And yeah, I started high-school and things got a little bit better. I made my first real best friend, then I got a really sweet boyfriend, got into singing, running and photography. My life got so bright for a while that I thought that I was ready for a new chapter, to be independent and help my parents with the family's financial situation, let myself explore and decide who I wanted to be, to know myself further from the broken image I had been cultivating since I don't fucking know. I saw big opportunities with how college functions here, I have a lot of benefits because I have the nationality (my dad's from here), I have family and I had a good understanding of the language since I grew up using it. Somehow, I felt confident and ready to be the bigger man, and came here hopping to take a year off while working at the same time, get all my papers in order and start of fresh in college as soon as possible. I fucking regret everything. I fucking hate how I let myself be so foolish and think that things could get better. I don't have any friends here aside from a boy I met at work, but we aren't that close. My best friend is studying medicine, so of course, she has no time for my pathetic ass. No one has time to be listening to my sorry excuse for life every time I feel down. I just don't have anyone, I feel so pathetic waiting for all the responses from my college applications. I want to move out so bad. I've been living with my grandma, she has been helping me a lot and she's really sweet most of the times, but we just don't match at all. I constantly feel like everything I do is wrong: washing the dishes, doing laundry, fucking eating, being "too lazy", going out and returning late. I just don't feel at home. I don't feel at peace here. I have enough money saved up to have my own room somewhere else, but I don't have a clue where I'm supposed to go, how to do it. I feel so pathetic, SO ALONE. I started smoking like my life depends on it and I hate it. God knows how much weight I've put on. I look like a fucking monster. I started to SH again and I feel like such a loser doing it. I just can't seem to take my head out of the idea of just laying on the train tracks and be dead, hanging myself, whatever. I want to feel something other than numbness again, I want to have friends, I want to feel pretty, to come home and feel at peace in my own room. I don't know what to do, I just want to be calm. I miss my sisters, my parents, how free I used to be, my small but enjoyable social life. I constantly find myself running away from away from my problems, this is my biggest consequence. I was a stupid mistake to come here. What the fuck was I thinking? That everything was going to work out? That I was going to be a brand new girl? I'm so pathetic and childish. I tired of myself, I'm tired of living in the same fucking loop everyday. I just want to sleep, die die die DIE. I'm tired of waiting, for doing everything I can and not seeing any results. I'm tired of everything.