u/iLoveAlanWalker

I'm 27F (turned 27 recently) while she's 33F.

I met a guy through her (33M) whom I liked (we all used to hangout in a group which were her friends). Their entire group was pretty weird, and most of them were older than me by at least 4-5 years. Firstly, she never behaved like a wing-woman (not that she had to, but tbh in my opinion if you know 2 of your friends are having something going on, you'll be at least a little positive and try to encourage it, especially if you're close), secondly when it didnt work out, I was heart-broken for quite some time, because it was my first love. But she minimizes it. Almost like, it's not that big of a deal... forget him. When she knows it's a big deal to me.

She also regularly discourages me from stuff like dating (it's not for the pure souls according to her. Everyone who uses the dating app is an r-word according to her (male and female both). I understand that she thinks a lot of people are into casual, but shouldn't we respect their choice too? They're consenting adults. And it's one thing to express concern, another to discourage someone entirely. I know many couples in long-term or married who met on apps. It depends on how you use it imo). According to her, arranged marriage is the correct way out especially for innocent girls like me. We should accept whoever our parents bring. One note here: she is herself single (by choice), but she says "I regret not doing arranged marriage in early 20s and dont want you to make same mistake".

She has also recommended me to not move to Europe (she knows it's a dream goal of mine), marry & have at least 1 kid before 30, asking me "who was that guy" whenever I do go on a date (that's annoying tbh, it's my personal life, plus, I never ask her these same questions).

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Am I just overthinking & painting normal friendly behavior as negative? I have other friends, same age & with age gap, some as young as 21-22, others older like 30, but they never behave this way. They're far more open-minded. Not once did my other friends let my spirit down when I shared something with them (about dating a guy, trying to get admitted to a foreign uni - they are all so encouraging and excited. My friend 30F literally encouraged me to re-start dating after having taken a break for several months, which ended up in me finding my current long-term boyfriend - so it's also nothing to do with age.)

I'm an open person usually... but she always behaves negatively "dont date around - most of them are f-boys" (I'm being careful.. I'm 27 ffs), plus I dont think anyone should comment if someone should move abroad or go back to university

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Am I being a judgey bad friend and overthinking this..? This is my oldest friend, and may be, I'm being insensitive, and not understanding her well enough. But I never ask her these questions, or discourage her from anything, either. I met her couple days ago and feeling so down thinking about how she reacted to some of the things I shared with her. I'm feeling so distant towards her, and I already filter out things (like my current bf) before speaking to her. Am I the a-hole?

I'm 27 - F. Wondering if anyone else here can relate or has resolved this issue

I feel depressed, very negative, and even cry, whenever I'm not busy (work / studying for an exam/ exercising or doing other chores). If i sit still I'll get those negative sinking feelings again

Idk when this will end. It' really exhausting.

More context - have been through a bad incident last year, bordering on SA. I'm otherwise doing very good in life - great career - FAANG (MANGO now), moving abroad soon, plenty of men approach me for dating, am very fit/ healthy. But somewhere, the memory of the bad incident, even though I'm avoiding it, keeps popping up every now & then.

Whenever I'm not busy, I just feel SO negative, miserable and bad. That i stay busy from the moment i wake up to i sleep. I;m not self-pitying, just wishing it becomes different. Even typing this was so difficult.

I'm 27F (turned 27 a week back).

I moved out to a metro city at around 25, and was initially a gawaar, small-town girl. I had no social skills, was fat and didnt dress up properly (ungroomed).

Took me 2 years, but am now in good shape (fit), and have improved a lot. I want to start dating properly, and go on first-dates (coffee dates at least). I have set up my profile on dating app, and I'm getting likes too.

However, I have this strange fear / worry due to which unable to go even on first dates:

1. I'm afraid that I wont look or appear as good in person. Which is fine, it's only a first date where you're there exactly for that - to see if you want to meet again. but somehow it's so overwhelming to me. I just feel a lot of anxiety around this. I look exactly as my photos on the app (and I've put up plenty, six). But, I still have this irrational worry. I'm a 7/10, whereas most of the other girls (99%) are 10/10. I've seen it on my male friends' hinge accounts. The other girls LITERALLY look like models. No girl looks average to me. Tbh I think I'm the only girl on dating app who has any flaws (physically) as the rest of them look perfect to me
2. I am not good at talking on dates (because i haven't been on dates, duh). What if I am unable to talk, then? That'll be so embarrassing! My logical brain says this is how you'll learn - on the job - but it's so scary still.
3. The inherent worry surrounding being judged for being dumb / awkward, or associated with "dating is bad" (this kind of thinking is prevalent in millennials and older gen-z like me).

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Any and all suggestions are welcome. Please advise if you are someone who goes on coffee / usual dates (nothing beyond that for now, i'm not talking about dates with intimacy). I need to start now, I cant keep getting scared of this forever.

I always do "too much" when dating a guy. By that, I mean:

1. Most of the time, the guy approaches me and likes me first, but after 3-4 dates, I end up liking him MUCH more. It's almost like I get attached just by spending time together. (Note - there is no physical intimacy involved (kiss, yes), and I didn't ever have physical. I'm not against it but abhi tak hua nahi hai. I would prefer to date for sometime till commitment, and then do that. I also started dating very late, when I was 26.)
2. Once I start liking the guy, I tend to do things like plan 1-2 dates every week. At least one of them is usually going somewhere - a park, a nice walking spot, a cafe, etc. (I make sure to not pick a expenditure-heavy place.. it's mostly free dog parks etc which are very common in tier-1 cities). And honestly, it's mostly me doing the planning because I just tend to know a lot of places and activities. Like, I know about go-karting, gaming parlours, nice cafes, massages, random activities, etc. I enjoy doing these things alone as well anyway, so I naturally think of them when planning dates.

And the guys usually LOVE it. Almost every guy I've dated has told me that no other girl they've dated has planned such dates or put in this much effort. They have shown me their chats where women dont even reply to them and it has been 2-3 weeks.

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Then this goes on for a while, maybe 4-5 dates, and the guy suddenly seems to get cold feet.

I can usually tell because their communication changes and they stop responding with the same enthusiasm. Or efforts become one-sided. It's not that difficult to read the room.

I've actually brought it up with a couple of them, and they basically said they didn't feel ready to invest that much time, and aren't sure about dating seriously (I never overreacted to this & accepted it politely... even though had a crying outburst when alone. I don't like to pressurize people to choose me.. it's fine). I guess part of it is that if you're spending a lot of time dating one person, you have less time to date other people, and that's why they do it, it's a valid reason.

It's usually not an issue for me because I only date one person at a time.

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The funny thing is that before every new guy (and I take long breaks... 3-4 months at least after one doesnt work out.. I'm sensitive and need to feel good before stepping into the dating scene else I'll have a tired attitude), I tell myself, "This time I'm going to chill out. I'll mirror his effort. I won't do too much."

And then I inevitably end up doing too much again. 😂

The fact is, I don't think I'm doing it purely to impress the guy. I genuinely enjoy doing these things. I like swimming, cafe hopping, exploring places, trying activities, etc. I would probably do these things on my own anyway, so when I'm dating someone, I naturally think, "Oh, we could do this together."

But I also realize that from the other person's perspective, it probably looks like I'm putting in a LOT of effort very early on. It might be annoying to them

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One more thing I've noticed - I've never dated a guy who is more successful in career than me. I'm not sure whether this affects the dynamics at all, and only noticed this more recently.

Maybe some men naturally feel less attracted to, protective of, or "masculine" around women who are doing better than them career-wise? I don't know.

I've gone on dates with 3 men so far since past 1.5 years (I know it's less, but I genuinely dont feel comfortable dating a new person too soon... I need to feel happy in my own company and not desperate or sad before dating.), and the most recent one made around 1/3^(rd) of what I make. He actually said this himself once... We'd spent the entire day together & he was sleeping on the couch while I was sitting near his head, and filling out a job application. He saw it and commented on how much I made compared to him (in a jestful way). But this holds true for the previous ones as well. They are doing fine for their age, I'm a bit ahead in career among my peers.

So I wonder if the income/career difference is also affecting the dynamics.

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Anyway, I'm open to suggestions. I'll obviously make my own decision, and I'm not desperate at this point. I'm perfectly fine being single - I still do a lot of things on my own and I still get plenty of dates. It's not that I'll be doomed without it.

I just genuinely want to understand what I'm doing incorrectly, if anything. My sample size is small but all the men are mostly different from each other. In terms of age, look (physique), field of career, lifestyle habits.

I already know from my own self-analysis that I probably need to tone it down a little in terms of doing too much and potentially coming across as more masculine / assertive/ proactive.

But OMG, it's sooo difficult. 😭 I guess I'm just naturally more masculine and proactive by nature, lmao. Wish I had the natural feminine grace and elegance to hold back and stay reserved.. I just am unable to hold back and am too enthusiastic i guess..

I've, as of now, decided to not marry / have kids. I'm a 27 y.o. woman. It's crucial as this is apprently considered the "prime age" for a woman to marry (in India).

First of all - I'm not trying to be a smartass or preach-y or showing off that I'm better or different. It's actually a failure on my end and I know that. And I'm sorry about the post length.

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Some background in brief: Extremely conservative, toxic & restrictive childhood where I was fat, ugly and socially isolated for over 2 decades until moving out to a tier-1 city at 24 (with great difficulty). Wasting the ages of 24-25 entirely (unable to fit socially, no friends, loser in every group situation - but gradually lost all weight, dressed up trendily & had a huge physical look-wise glow up). At age 26 I focused on improving socially but something really hurtful happened (guy I admired and adored a lot rejected me because his group disapproved of me because i was weird, quiet and small-town type girl - again, all of them were significantly older than me, including him - with age gap of at least 5-8 years, so I dont blame them that they found me dumb and unattractive overall).

I have ADHD symptoms but have always been very good at studies, and now too, am doing very well in my career. I want to move outside of India and am actively working towards it.

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However, since losing that guy, I havent dated anyone despite being approached every day (irl). I was on dating app for 2 days and had so many requests. However, I decided to not go ahead with anyone because it feels unfair & I also dont like anyone in the same way. I'm not willing to give anyone false hope.

Ig I'm not wired for relationships because I get attached and clingy, and the guy eventually feels suffocated and wants to leave. I can't be a good partner and that's facts. I have a bad attachment style & I still care about that one guy whom I had a crush on who rejected me, despite having nothing physical. That's psychotic. Can you imagine I'm still not sexually active at 27 😂

I've argued with my parents about my decision to not marry. They said you will regret it in future, you are ruining your life by not marrying now. Idc. I was a good girl till now. I listened to everything they said, every single thing. Even if it caused me suffering and isolation. But here, it's not only about doing something I DONT want to, it's also sabotaging someone else's life if I marry.

At least when I'm single, I can still lead a comfortable life in abroad, if I marry then both mine & the guy's life is ruined FOR SURE. Because I toh love someone else and always keep thinking about him, that's not how a happy marriage works.

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Now coming to kids. This is a tricky one. I'm very good with children and animals. I love them and the FOMO of not having kids is far larger than the one for marrying. It's far scarier to not have children than to not marry.

However, this is EVEN MORE IRRESPONSIBLE in my eyes to have a kid unless you are 100% sure. I cant be a good mom at least right now. I need to move abroad, work on myself a lot, develop a self-esteem (so that I dont choose wrong man) and learn how to not be a p*ssy so I can stand up for my kids. None of that is happening right now.

But that's the thing, I'm 27... I might get too late for having kids, and I'm aware of it & accept the consequences of my decision right now. It's fine. I'll handle it.

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I need a comment, an advice or may be just tell me plainly if I'm right or wrong - from someone who is older than 30 (bonus points if a woman answers this).

Also I'm not blaming anyone here, it's my own mistakes that I'm so late to the game and only starting at 27. I acknowledge that I wasted close to 30 years of my life. I have no right to complain if I cant have kids in the future because I was dumb enough to delay things like moving out, working on myself, finding the correct partner, immigrating. It's my fault toh sazaa bhi mujhe hi milega

Thanks for any response.

I’m 27F and honestly feel like I wasted my 20s because of a horrible childhood and lack of social experience.

I grew up very isolated, with depressed & distant parents, and an overall toxic home environment. I was obese, socially awkward, insecure and honestly pretty immature and bigoted because I knew nothing beyond my tiny world. I basically only had books and the internet. Such were my parents that they didn't have a social life & didn't let us play with other kids, either. My sibling too is damaged from this, he is far worse off now than me.

All I did in my childhood was study and ruminate about going abroad one day. I was very good academically because reading is all I did at home (not because i was genuinely intelligent).

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I moved out at 24 for a job, but had no idea how to socialize or navigate people. I made countless mistakes, got bullied/rejected by friend groups, seeked validation from the wrong people, and wasted years trying to figure out things most people learn as teenagers.

I’ve improved a LOT since then. I lost the weight entirely, learned how to dress and carry myself, built a really good career (I’m now a senior engineer at an MNC which a lot of SWE's want to get into), and people actually approach me and seem to like me. i have no shortage of attention, opposite of what it was like at 24. But I still feel like I’m years behind everyone else.

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I also had a guy I was deeply in love with a couple years ago. We never got past the talking stage though because things ended badly - because I wanted a serious relationship (ig I was too upfront about it which scared him away), and he didn’t want marriage/kids or commitment. It wasnt scary for him to never marry / have kids, which was weird and difficult to understand for me at the time, because as I said, I was bigoted and foolish. We stopped talking completely and things went very wrong. Ironically, I now feel the same way he did - I don’t want marriage or children too soon either, it's not that important to me now, and I’m slowly realizing that the life I actually want is probably very different from what I thought I wanted at 23.

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My biggest regret is that I’ve always wanted to move abroad, but I was too idiotic, clueless and overwhelmed to make it happen earlier. I’ve only started seriously trying now, at 27.

So, have I genuinely screwed up my life by being so late? Is it still possible to move abroad at 27 especially as a woman, build a good career, make friends, travel, and have a happy, complete life - even if I’m starting this much later than everyone else? 😢

I'm 27F, and tbh, had a very crappy childhood. Social isolation, depressed & distant mother, bad home environment, toxic surroundings. I was fat and a loser. Me and my sibling werent allowed to do anything, and he too has many mental issues due to that. He is doing far worse than me currently - such were my parents.

I had no outlet but reading / writing, the internet, and my room. That's it. I became socially stunted, obese, weirdo, a bigoted person like my parents - only positive was that I was very brilliant academically - not because I was intelligent but because of having nothing else to do, i would keep reading and writing my coursework. I've recently realized this, that I'm below average in intelligence but have a splendid academic record and a great career so far only because of this.

Moved out of my home at around 24 for job - with great difficulty. My job is a good one - I'm a senior engineer at an MNC and it pays well.

After moving out, I struggled SO much - having no social experience, I made so many blunders 🤕. The very first year was the worst - bullied and removed from all social groups, was ugly during this time, and so much was wrong with me. I didnt know how to behave in social groups and make friends. Thoda bhi experience hota toh kuch pataa hota na.

I started improving a little by 25. But you have to remember I was undoing 2+ decades of damage. I lost the fat, and instantly started looking good. Biggest change in my life so far fr. But even then, I was so desperate for social, especially male validation that I made one mistake after the other. Falling for sh1thead guys (thankfully never did anything physical with any of them, but wasted a lot of time and efforts, and tears). Getting used and thrown by friends and colleagues.

At 26, I fixed a lot of my physical flaws. I look good now, actually. I dress up well. I get approached often and strangers (both male and female) talk to me, smile at me. I'm seeing someone as well (he knows about everything in my life and my future plans).

But I'm so unhappy. I always wanted to go abroad. Always, but I was so damaged and drained from years of weirdness by my abnormal parents that I couldn't. I just turned 27. Since then, I've been applying relentlessly to go abroad.

Is it still possible for me to go abroad and build a happy, complete life? I'm already fcking 27. 😢 Ik I should have gone by 24 MAXIMUM.. but I was so dumb and stupid... I was an idiot girl... Is it still possible even though I'm doing it so late and those who go are usually in early 20s while I'm almost fcking 30?