u/idids0methingwr0ng

I'm AFAB, I've always struggled with gender dysphoria so I decided to try Testosterone (its been about 3 months) Unexpectedly it cured my fatigue as well as some other issues.

I have no idea what's going on and I would honestly rather die than try to discuss it with doctors / figure out what's going on. It's just so much easier to forget about it and enjoy being able to live for the first time in years.

Problem is, I'm not sure what my identity is or if I'm comfortable with changes such as facial hair. It seems unwise to me to transition genders when I'm not sure what my gender is, and I'm afraid I'll regret it later in life, but obviously I don't want to stop HRT.

Not sure what to do here

I am BEGGING for help here. I really really don't want to feed into negative stereotypes about testosterone, but this is literally my experience. Since taking testosterone my life has gotten immeasurably better, Im around 2 months on just 1 pump of androgel per day, which I know is considered a low dose but the differences are undeniable. I know it sounds strange and almost like I'm confused here, but I'm really not, I swear that soon as I started taking it my chronic fatigue went away. I'm so serious. I feel alive, dynamic, a full person.

But emotionally things have been weird. I oddly am calmer, but also FAR less calm at the same time and it's confusing. I swear I know myself extremely well and I know what's normal for me and what's not -- and I have become... A morally worse person.

I feel like I have MORE control over my anger, but less DESIRE to control it. Like, it's like my empathy has been dampened. Seriously. When I get angry, instead of it being an irritable and tearful experience, I instead am filled with this MALICIOUS energy. I've been so rude to people who were only trying to be kind. I feel so burnt out my innocent people who just annoy me, friends who have habits that bother me, whatever, it's hard to describe but I just find myself internally having selfish thoughts, contempt for others, etc. I've been acting in ways I have NEVER acted before.

I feel disgusting and filled with dread. Like I'm watching myself devolve into a genuinely entitled and morally bad person and there's nothing I can do to stop it. In all other ways, T has made me feel MORE like myself, but in this particular area, I feel way LESS like myself.

I'm so scared. Can anyone explain this or.. something? I don't want to stop taking T. It's saved my life. Is it just revealing the evil side of me that was always there?

Don't even know what sub to post this in. I'm 24F and Ever since I was a child life has been endlessly confusing, difficult, and infuriating. I've never lived a normal, healthy life.

I physically cannot take care of myself, work, or stay consistent in any activity. Both mentally and physically, I am structurally deformed. Symptoms that are debilitating but have no name, no description. And I've always been fatigued, but it's so different from what other people call 'tired' that I don't even know if it's in the same category. I relate so deeply to chronically ill people, yet I've never been diagnosed with a chronic illness, even though I've always known in my heart that I've always been sick.

Nothing fits. Nothing makes sense. I'm so physically and mentally bizzarely dysfunctional that I'm ready to give up hope for a normal life and possibly end my life. Yet, it's completely invisible to everyone around me. Doctors don't know or care, and my brain won't let me manage my own care or advocate for myself. My memory is broken. I can't think, I can't focus or keep track of anything. My mind is a hoader house and everything is a mess. I feel like I'm on the brink of a psychotic break.

I recently lost the only job I thought I could keep (a disability-owned coffee shop) because my performance was worsening, even though all I want is to do a good job. My body lies to everyone around me, keeping me in an invisible cage. I want to give up and end my life.

I started cosmetology school about 3 months ago. The salon/work area is where the students spend 90% of our 10-hour day. It's difficult, but I wear earplugs 24/7, take painkillers, and have found a baseline and routine that works for my nox. The owner knows about my condition.

Until now there was no music in the salon, which was a lifesaver for me. But a few days ago they installed a speaker in that plays music all day. Never too far from my head. My nox is most severely triggered by music specifically, so that's bad news.

I'm very shy when it comes to talking about my disabilities and asking for accomodations, but my mom encouraged me to ask the owner to turn it down or remove it. She refused.

I have the option to wear a pair of old headphones over my earplugs with cotton stuffed in. It blocks out the music, but it gives me an insane tension and headache (Does anyone relate to this or know why that happens? I'm confused if it's actually putting me at risk or if it's just harmless pain?) And I can't wear headphones when taking a client, so they're only half-useful.

My mom is saying they are legally obligated to remove it. I don't know if that's true. I have no idea what to make of the situation. It feels unfair for me to ask, but it also feels unfair that I now am in a flare up because of all of this, when all the students are allowed to listen to music through earbuds/headphones while they work. Their specific preference of having a speaker play music is detrimental to my health, and I've already been struggling to get through school.

I'm starting to doubt if my concerns are even valid, if this condition is all in my head, if I'm overreacting. I've protected my ears so much since my injury and I'm not even sure if that was necessary, or the right choice. I'm not sure if I'm qualified to say I have chronic pain or if the speaker is genuinely a threat to me or not. I'm always questioning myself because I have OCD as well. what should i do?