Do I [24F] want to spend the rest of my life with [30M]?
TLDR: He [30M] treats me [24F] good on paper. He shows me that he loves me through acts of service, but I am realizing that I think I need more…
We have been together for 4.5 years on and off. He moved out at one point in 2024 one time we were separated, than he financially couldn’t stay afloat so he moved back in and we ended up getting back together and have been since. Basically, the reason for the separation was mostly paranoia and craziness/mental health issues on my end, I really needed to grow up. The truth is though, looking back, I wasn’t getting what I needed then either and I forgive myself for how I acted. But while we were separated, we both saw other people, but I was forthcoming about it and he lied about it. This was something that took a LOT of healing for me to trust him again.
This time around, we have separate rooms and opposite sleep schedules (his by choice, mine due to my job). I’ve learned to be ok with it, I think. He doesn’t really work due to disability, but he could get a work-from-home job and just kind of chooses not to. I even filed for bankruptcy in 2025 because we were struggling so badly. My friends and family don’t like him and think he’s using me. I want marriage and if not kids, then at least to be a very involved auntie. He doesn’t care about marriage and hates kids. We have amazing sex ON PAPER, it feels good but it doesn’t really do anything to my soul 😢 he is very giving in that way but it lacks passion. Not sure if I can say this, but we also just don’t really share the same kinks! I have realized over time that we just don’t really have much in common. And I thought I could overlook this, until…
I am prepared for the backlash, but I discovered this through a series of male friendships I made playing Fortnite Festival (guitar hero game) 😅 I am a singer, actress, content creator (basically an artsy fartsy Aquarius). My bf has never particularly cared for this side of me, and never comes to any of my shows, citing that it’s “not his thing” and is “painful” for him. He also just isn’t much of a talker, and doesn’t have the same curiosity and love of discussion that I do. But meeting these people online made me see that I am lacking mental stimulation and artistic support if that makes sense? But is it worth ending my almost 5 year relationship over?
I have been forthcoming with my bf about the connections and outright crushes I’ve formed with these people. I try to tell him that I’m having these feelings because of what I’m lacking from us, and never wants to talk about it. He usually walks away out of frustration and then goes to cook for me to show me that he loves me. Which makes me feel crazy for feeling this way! Why should I want more when he’s so good to me? I know leaving my boyfriend over guys I met on a freaking video game sounds nuts. But it’s more so about the principle! I guess I’m seeing that there are people that would appreciate me in these ways? Do I want to be with someone the rest of my life that treats me good but doesn’t challenge or appreciate me? Has my frontal lobe finally developed? Idk!
I am so scared to hurt my bf. And he is financially dependent on me which adds another horribly guilty layer to all this! I’ve pondered having an open relationship, but then realized that I actually would hate that and I think I am just not happy. This is a situation I never thought I’d be in and I’m so lost. I guess I just want to know if I’m valid in feeling this way or acting like a bad person? And what you would do? Because I don’t know what to do 😢 thank you for reading all this if you did!