u/ihavenowords3

I have insomnia, it’s 4:22am. I open Facebook. I had a notification in my reels or some shit. Random, I know. This shit starts playing, I get excited cause I’m thinking this is a super rare feature. Immediately, I know I never saw or heard this.

Then I read the comments and I understood where this fits in the very early stages of Nas career. I’m confident I’m not the only one that never heard this, so this is for the people that also haven’t heard this yet.

The artist is MC Serch. Song name “back to the grill”, uncredited Nas Feature

This is my first post here. Thanks to the mods and fellow survivors. I hate to connect under these bleek circumstances. But I guess that finding this community is the silver lining.

I was raped in 5th grade by male classmate. I told my mom when I was 19. I was blissfully happy for a few days, I thought I was over it.

Fast forward to today, I’m in my 30s. I work but I’m a hermit confined to my bedroom, laundry list of other problems, and a crippling porn addiction.

I’ve been in therapy on and off for decades. My current therapist connected my porn addiction to sexual trauma. And emotional neglect from my parents, other abuse and traumas.

Last month, I had a 9 day sober streak, the longest in 1 full year. I realized how lighter I felt, genuinely more happy, more emotionally & mentally stable. Much less brain fog and dissociating.

I relapsed and those things all intensified. I want and desperately need to kick this habit. I want to be free but I’m constrained and subjugated by porn addiction.

QUESTIONS:

1/ Can anyone relate?

2/ Have you become sober from porn or sex addiction?

3/ Can anyone recommend books or other resources? I’ll take anything

Has anyone tried Therapy?

Are you porn free because of it?

What was your experience like?

What method of therapy were you using? For example, EMDR, CBT etc

I feel like I had a spiritual experience or a light bulb moment. I had to keep fucking up in order to realize, no, it’s not about the past. Life and abusive people hurt me in childhood. Subconsciously, I terrorized and abused myself. They only had to do it once in some instances. And self hate, low self esteem, learned helpless, these are the gifts that kept giving.

I was listening to sad music and crying and basically, I snapped out of it. It’s a vicious cycle. It’s okay and natural to cry, but this behavior I’m doing is not helpful. I can do way better than this.

I rolled off 9 days which is the longest I’ve been sober in exactly a year. It was 1 week back then. Before that, in like 2015 I did like 3 or 6 months.

Just to be back to square 1. Fine. In some ways, I’m not learning the main lesson. But I know for a fact that I have learned somethings. I did in fact have a paradigm shift. Less words more action.

Thanks to everyone upvoting and reading this and those silently sending prayers and good vibes. Community is key. I can’t be isolated, I have to learn a new, transformative way to live.

A non alcoholic toast…no disrespect to anyone but I don’t drink alcohol, for clarity…to building authentic interpersonal relationships in real life, to regulating emotions in healthy ways, and to sobriety

I’m fucked up. I’ve been addicted since childhood.

I hate this stop and go. A small amount of sobriety and success, a mile of pain and relapse. I’m befuddled, deflated, annoyed, disappointed.

My inner critic is saying, “see? You are a piece of shit. Idiot jackass…” it gets way more cynical, but I’ll save you guys.

I do love myself, I’m struggling a lot. A lot of shit I have to work thru and process. No days off.

I am safe, my abusers can’t hurt me now. I’m grown. The past doesn’t exist. No such thing as time machines. I just have the present.

I gotta put my big boy pants on and get to work.

Also, I realized, after 3 days of relapsing…that I need a porn blocker ASAP or a phone with no internet browser.

Does anyone have a phone with no internet browser? Maybe a light phone? What is the process?

I took prescribed painkillers for a back injury. They make me drowsy and groggy.

I also had stomach issues. This was enough stress and discomfort to make me find loopholes.

Yeah, it wasn’t porn but it was as close to porn as you can get. This tells me a I need a porn blocker ASAP. To block loop hole-esque media and soft core corn, or risqué media.

I was far from gooning and a full blown porn addiction relapse but I was a stones throw away.

I’m disappointed in my self but I can’t linger.

I also realize I need really specific, detailed goals for sobriety.

Today, I’m barely sober at 9 days and 5 hours

I’m both exhausted and ecstatic. Just a quick check in.

Every day, I’m either exhausted all or most of the day. Or at some point, I hit a wall and I need a nap.

I fear that my sleep schedule will be broken and I’ll go to sleep at like 4am if I nap too late in the evening or even day time.

I’ve been weight lifting and it helps noticeably with my overall sleep hygiene. I usually get enough rest or I get some deep sleep which is fine, for this current time in my life. Long term, no dice.

No urges at all today. Just housesitting, sorta baby sitting a teen relative…not a small kid but still not an adult. Can’t be be totally unsupervised the entire day…also dog sitting. House sitting is just cleaning after my shitty, messy family.

I realize, yes, it’s a layered situation. But I was speaking to my therapist and the time is now. I have to self advocate and put boundaries in place. This is urgent.

By shrinking myself and suppressing my thoughts/feelings I’m constrained. I’ll never be happy, never reach my potential, life will always suck unless I have the difficult conversations.

Yeah, I have ptsd but without porn addiction severely worsening my mental health, I have the agency and health of mind to know, having a hard convo is not going to automatically end in death, violence, irreversible damage. I have to say my peace, correctly, in a logical but strong way and if they wanna continue to be shitty people, so be it. But I’m making this boundary either way.

I kinda veered off but it’s extremely draining. And I can’t wait to talk to my therapist again and plan how to have this difficult convo and unpack the situation etc. this aspect of life has sucked for years, I can wait 6 more days.

Circling back to my original point. Exhaustion, burnout. It’s nap time, I’ll go to bed at midnight. Or maybe end I’ll sleeping 12 hours like yesterday. Fine with either option. I’d eat a mildew sandwich before I go back to porn addiction.

I didn’t intend for this to be this long but here’s the main thing. A part of me died today. My old thinking. “I’m not actually relapsing. Relapse is defined by such & such, and what I’m doing is not relapse.”

In a technical sense, I guess so, but the possible end result is relapse. So it basically is relapse. To be clear, I didn’t watch any porn. Though I have a database of images in my head I must burn. I think this is where education and books and maybe even a psych professional come in. Probably a sponsor and SAA meetings, too.

Anyways, what I was doing is a lot closer to relapse than it was to playing video games or hiking.

Again, the end result is relapse and I’m inviting relapse by behaving and thinking that way. Or I was. And that part of me died.

I had to sober up. What I was doing was connected to destruction, death of my conscious, spiritual su*cide, mental blindness. Weakness, I don’t wanna be a slave to anything. I wanna be free, to the utmost.

I want to be able to speak in clear sentences and not have people think I’m incompetent, I want to feel confident. I want real love not that plastic fake shit porn addiction offers. I feel wretched and horrid after the fleeting ecstasy. It’s poison, you won’t see me drinking that bottle of poison literally or metaphorically any time soon. I’m stronger than the addicted part of my brain. I’m healing, I’m changing my life I’m saving myself. My problems are my problems. I’m not surrounding myself with strong, like minded, progressive people.

I fuckin got this.

Every day, I’m either exhausted all or most of the day. Or at some point, I hit a wall and I need a nap.

I fear that my sleep schedule will be broken and I’ll go to sleep at like 4am if I nap too late in the evening or even day time.

I’ve been weight lifting and it helps noticeably with my overall sleep hygiene. I usually get enough rest or I get some deep sleep which is fine, for this current time in my life. Long term, no dice.

No urges at all today. Just housesitting, sorta baby sitting a teen relative…not a small kid but still not an adult. Can’t be be totally unsupervised the entire day…also dog sitting. House sitting is just cleaning after my shitty, messy family.

I realize, yes, it’s a layered situation. But I was speaking to my therapist and the time is now. I have to self advocate and put boundaries in place. This is urgent.

By shrinking myself and suppressing my thoughts/feelings I’m constrained. I’ll never be happy, never reach my potential, life will always suck unless I have the difficult conversations.

Yeah, I have ptsd but without porn addiction severely worsening my mental health, I have the agency and health of mind to know, having a hard convo is not going to automatically end in death, violence, irreversible damage. I have to say my peace, correctly, in a logical but strong way and if they wanna continue to be shitty people, so be it. But I’m making this boundary either way.

I kinda veered off but it’s extremely draining. And I can’t wait to talk to my therapist again and plan how to have this difficult convo and unpack the situation etc. this aspect of life has sucked for years, I can wait 6 more days.

Circling back to my original point. Exhaustion, burnout. It’s nap time, I’ll go to bed at midnight. Or maybe end I’ll sleeping 12 hours like yesterday. Fine with either option. I’d eat a mildew sandwich before I go back to porn addiction.

I didn’t intend for this to be this long but here’s the main thing. A part of me died today. My old thinking. “I’m not actually acting out. Masturbation is defined by such & such, and what I’m doing is not masturbation.”

In a technical sense, I guess so, but the possible end result is relapse. So it basically is masturbation. To be clear, I didn’t watch any porn. Though I have a database of images in my head I must burn. I think this is where education and books and maybe even a psych professional come in. Probably a sponsor and SAA meetings, too.

Anyways, what I was doing is a lot closer to relapse than it was to playing video games or hiking.

Again, the end result is relapse and I’m inviting relapse by behaving and thinking that way. Or I was. And that part of me died.

I had to sober up. What I was doing was connected to destruction, death of my conscious, spiritual su*cide, mental blindness. Weakness, I don’t wanna be a slave to anything. I wanna be free, to the utmost.

I want to be able to speak in clear sentences and not have people think I’m incompetent, I want to feel confident. I want real love not that plastic fake shit porn addiction offers. I feel wretched and horrid after the fleeting ecstasy. It’s poison, you won’t see me drinking that bottle of poison literally or metaphorically any time soon. I’m stronger than the addicted part of my brain. I’m healing, I’m changing my life I’m saving myself. My problems are my problems. I’m not surrounding myself with strong, like minded, progressive people.

I fuckin got this.

Today I’m six days sober
Don’t feel low or moderate
Infact it’s the polar opposite
Meaning high, exuberant
Jubilant
Six days I wanna up that number
I can’t stay stuck like plunger
Pace myself, I’m not a runner
I feel strong as thunder
Restored sense of childlike wonder
Porn addiction, 25 year long blunder
I’m brand new
Free human being social club
I’m a new comer

Fin

I have so much more time in my day, more energy, focus. Less anxiety, depression, I am more present, confident, funnier, inspired, more creative, no mood swings.

I have to stay sober to live and not die slowly each day. Porn addiction is a slow self destruction. Waste of life.

As an introvert and survivor of childhood abuse, I hate socializing. Conversation etc. I still get anxious in these situations, I still fear rejection but I have more capacity, inner resources. I can coach myself thru life’s challenges.

Without getting into detail, I see how my childhood trauma and abuse drastically impacted every area of my life. Including having a healthy view on sex, dating, relationships etc. Also, organized religion gave me lots of sexual shame. Not a diss just being honest.

The point I’m trying to make. So I work in customer service, I see really attractive women daily. I’m not looking for love at work. Recipe for a pink slip, migraines, etc. But I was always extremely intimidated and anxious of attractive women. And again, with my childhood, I was always terrified to converse with women. I’ll get embarrassed, rejected. My inner critic would pulverize me.

By not spending lots of time with porn addiction, I again, have renewed energy, focus. The “ism” I believe kids call it aura.

I’m still nervous, anxious, worried when I speak to women. Especially pretty women. I’ve been bullied by women…men too…thru out my life. Im not ashamed to admit it. But I can stay in the moment. I can focus on doing the best customer service job I can. And genuinely connect with both men, women, NB, and every one on the gender spectrum.

I know it’s a ultra marathon of words, but these are victories. I’m truly getting it this time. Pacing myself. I thank my ancestors and the universe for allowing me to stay sober and overcome porn addiction.

Sidenote, I threw out my porn addiction paraphernalia 1-2 days ago. I don’t wanna be detailed and trip up my friends in this sub. But if you’re a porn addict/porn addicted person, then you can use your imagination.

One more obstacle for me to slow up relapse.

My size 11.5 vivo bare foot running shoe is on the neck of porn addiction right now. I’m crushing it, I’m grateful. In an amazing head space and it’s just day 3.

I did have a withdrawal episode and feared I’d relapse but I “rode the wave” I outlasted. I did an overnight work shift and I’m still basically jet lagged. My body was screaming at me, take a nap you jackass!! So I did and I took a Tylenol and my body stopped screaming at me.

Life is good

I have chronic pain allover my body daily. I won’t list each injury/condition. That’s a huge stressor. Also, my mental health is a huge stressor.

These were always reasons to “cope” and relapse. They still are in a way. Bending over, standing, rotating my body, I feel pain somewhere.

And I usually think, “now is a time when I would relapse” “i could take this opportunity to relapse, fuck every care or responsibility I have”

I have to constantly remind myself, I don’t have strong or seemingly uncontrollable urges to relapse after 2 days. But I’d be surprised if I don’t go thru hell as I stay sober over the coming days and weeks. It will likely be fully greatly uncomfortable.

But I can stay in a vicious cycle. Or I can find new and healthy ways to cope and get good dopamine.

Also, I work in retail and at my job I see lots of attractive women. I notice how I view women and the reactions and thoughts I have. I disgust myself. As I continue to grow in sobriety I’ll be less disgusted by myself and more and more proud of who I become.

I’m two days further away from this person I don’t recognize and don’t wanna be. I’m two days closer to who I want to show up in the world as. My authentic, sober, positive, loving, artist self.

Lastly, I threw out products and items I used to facilitate relapse. Metaphorically, it’s like this. If you’re trying to lose weight or diet, you don’t want snacks in your bedroom. Access, proximity. Making it however much more difficult to relapse.

Fin

I just did an overnight shift. I can barely put a complete thought or sentence let alone paragraph together.

I feel amazing. I feel the internal conflict like always. On one hand I’m cynical, insecure, self loathing etc

On the other, I’m positive, beautiful, loved by myself and others and worthy of love, and positive things in life.

That has to be the truth. Who wants to live a hollow life that sucks? I’m not gonna believe the lies that my traumas and ghosts of my past fed me.

Fuck that. I got this. I didn’t survive all that bs just to take up space on this planet with a crippling porn addiction. I’m trying to live!!

Idk what to say.

Yeah, peace out

Whatever…these are random thoughts

I relapsed today. That’s what’s embarrassing. Tail tucked. Here posting, Being accountable in some measure. Seeking some type of positive support.

I had a period of a few weeks, where I lost hope and stopped trying to abstain and quit porn addiction.

I realized I hadn’t had a therapist in, weeks, months. And how important that is for my overall well being. The first session was pretty good and I feel invigorated.

I partly feel like I’m lying to myself. I’m not really trying. I’m lying to myself. I’m only fooling me.

Then I partly feel cynical, like I’m beating myself up. I feel conflicted.

Ultimately, finding a therapist is crucial for the betterment of my quality of life and healing.

I truly believe complex childhood trauma and abuse is the root of my addiction. I need to journal consistently, among other things, to find words to help process and understand what happened to me. When did it all go wrong?

I live with family and they’re sloppy pigs. They leave a trail of dirty dishes, crumbs, huge uncleaned wet spills all over. You name it. It sucks, putting it lightly.

My therapist said she was in a similar position in college living with her best friend. And that she couldn’t reach her friend therefore, housekeeping was her, my therapists, job. For her sanity and well being.

She told me that me housekeeping, which isn’t right and quite wrong. In this instance it’s for my well being. I feel changed.

Like I can overcome the irritability and burnout of ptsd and not hold grudges with my family. This change is a microcosm of what can and will happen with porn addiction.

I’ll fill my time cleaning, more. Not just cleaning 100% of the time, but I’d rather clean than relapse. I plan to cook nutritious food I enjoy, instead of relapse. Write poetry and make music and not relapse. Read, volunteer, exercise and get buff…lol, buff is a word that always makes me chuckle…and do more positive stuff instead of relapse.

Deleted all my porn for like the 2nd or 3rd time in a month. I hate relapsing because, technically, I relapse again just by deleting all my porn again. I don’t think I’m finding a loophole, I think my intention is pure. I don’t act out, but you don’t wanna delete all your porn. Then 2 weeks later it’s like damn I forgot to delete this image or whatever and then relapse again.

Trauma, addiction, self hate turned my brain to mush and that’s how you get these types of posts. I am whole and I’m reverse engineering my sobriety. It’s already mine. And I’ll talk like a coherent, functioning contributing loving human in the future. So eager to be sober.

Alright

Fin

Idk.

It’s important for me, personally speaking, to say this here. For accountability and for positive support.

I didn’t have a plan of quitting with outlined steps. It was a spur of the moment choice, I need to quit porn. And I still do.

Like the times of the past. I was truly confident I could kick it on my previous try. But in my mind it lingered, cold turkey and failure to plan = plan to fail.

I can’t beat myself up. It sucks, it’s disappointing. Frustrating. I kinda feel psychotic or like my brain is broken.

How can I knowingly know how bad this behavior is. But still choose to do it? I can’t really describe or verbalize it. It’s really weird though.

IDK

I guess I need to find a SAA group ASAP like on my next day off. Maybe I need a therapist that specializes in sex addiction. Idk…

Vent/random thoughts

I deleted all my porn at 7:15pm Monday 7/13. Since then, I’ve went to bed at night twice and I awoke in the morning twice. Tonight at 7:15pm will be day two of sobriety for me.

I fear that I’m being cocky or delusional, in a sense. As if I have a decade of sobriety under my belt.

It’s a weird duality as you have to be confident and have self belief that you can actually be sober. But you don’t want it to corrupt your brain. To where you think, I don’t need a community or sponsor, I don’t need to make changes and use discipline.

I guess this duality is for most if not all things in life.

I do have cravings, I do have “flashbacks” I guess. I don’t wanna be too descriptive as to trip up my brothers/sisters/LGBTQ+ in arms. Sobriety is a battle and I was just gonna say brothers in arms but I know it’s not just my bros this time.

I digress

I have a peace and sense of calm. I’m very confused I can beat it this time. Same song and dance. Groundhogs day. My sobriety the movie, I’m the director. Take infinity!

That was all in the past. I’ve never seen July 15, 2026 before. I’ve never been this version of myself before. Wiser and not older but instead better.

I feel like I will be sober forever this time. I feel amazingly strong.

I’d be surprised if I don’t go thru hell in the coming days and weeks but that’s the future and today is today. I feel great right now, as I’m typing this on today.

Yeah…

Alright peace ✌🏾

I’m 1 day and 30 minutes sober. I feel victorious.

In a different app I posted and spoke a bit on freedom. I want to be free from this addiction. I wanna be a different person. Etc

I remember how that emotional high was when I deleted all my porn and then posted about going sober for the millionth time.

It was a battle, I almost slipped several times. I didn’t think it thru this time. But I had enough. I was suffering. Wasting my 1 life.

I have to heal my brain. And not crave a flood of dopamine every time I’m bored or uncomfortable etc.

I feel content and clear headed and lighter. I’d be surprised if the next days and weeks don’t progressively worsen and feel like hell.

I know what porn is and what it can offer me and I don’t want it. For months and years, I haven’t wanted it. I settled.

Feeling positive and I love it

Vent/random thoughts

I’ve relapsed and started over countless times. Same song and dance for years.

I deleted all my porn. Seriously considering downgrading to a flip phone with no internet browser.

16 hours and 30 minutes sober.

Lots of intensely negative feelings as I post this. Largely shame.

My inner critic is giving me work right now as I type this.

I had the same realization that I had late last year. Porn addiction is a large reason my life is in disarray. It’s slow self destruction and void of true freedom, happiness and basic human rights. That’s what that addiction is, for me at least.

It’s good to vent it out.

I have to find at least 1 sex addict anonymous group this week. I need a sponsor ASAP.

I always feared having an accountability partner. Partly for safety reasons. But I realized it’s mainly because I was emotionally neglected, abused in childhood and I avoid intimacy. Not speaking of romance in this instance. But a friendly or familial type of interpersonal intimacy.

I’m reconsidering the accountability partner thing also.

My guts are spilled. My back is monkey free. Weight has been lifted.

I feel supported in just the act of having a place to share this.

Shit, day 1 at 7:15pm tonight. Counting days almost feels like weighing myself daily. It feels disingenuous on a level. But I guess when I can proudly say I’m 1 month sober, 6 months sober etc. It would be a great feeling.

Alright peace ✌🏾

ANDRÉ 3000’S AND NAS PRODUCED BY KANYE WEST?! 👀🔥🤯

One of Hip-Hop’s biggest “what ifs” is André 3000’s unreleased verse from Nas’ NASIR album.

The leaked verse from “Cops S*ot the Kid” immediately sparked debate because of its brutally direct take on the cycle of revenge and violence leading fans to believe the controversial lyrics are the reason it never made the final album:

“Bump k*lling cops, what if we k*ll cop kids?
Make that n**** adopt a baby because we got his…”

Nobody involved with the project has really ever confirmed that verse was the reason, as the most widely accepted seems to be that “NASIR”was completed under a very rushed deadline during Kanye West’s Wyoming sessions, leaving André’s contribution unfinished or unapproved before release.

Where do yall rank Andre 3000 in the GOAT conversation?

Link to snippet 👇🏾

https://youtu.be/\_YvEa2\_aimk?is=gROPzjpPCevkKVgP