u/insafian

One thing that seems to piss of Harry (and Ron) a lot is that Dumbledore didn't tell them how to destroy horcruxes which is honestly valid there was no reason to make that one more thing for them to figure out. So that got me thinking, did he plan on explaining all that when he destroyed the locket with the sword once they were back from the cave? Which would also mean that he in fact had no idea that night was the one when Malfoy struck?

I am NOT OOP, OOP is  u/sprainedankle2011

Originally posted to r/offmychest

Status: Ongoing

Trigger Warning: >!Infidelity!<

Mood Spoiler: >!Complicated!<

Original - July 17th 2026

My parents divorced when I was 14 (I'm 25 now) because my dad cheated on her with someone who worked for him. My parents used to argue about him not giving my mom enough time, not putting her first, not respecting her as an equal . In some ways it was like a sickeningly logical culmination of their marriage. But for me until that point he was my hero. I was a total daddy's girl which is hilarious to think about now considering the last 11 years. He would take me everywhere, grocery runs, mechanic, NBA, movie night, pizza night, homework and test and exam help. It destroyed me when I found out. They split custody 50-50 and I was a massive b to him and later his new wife (the woman he cheated with). Lots of locked doors, calling out his wife, calling him out. I've maybe spoken like 20 sentences in totality to her two sons (my stepbrothers). When they had their son, I made sure to never let his wife think I was going to be like a loving older sister. With my dad though, he did kind of wear me down, and with him I did develop a kind of big sister bond with my half-brother. I used to argue with my mom about not wanting to go but she insisted I maintain decency with my dad at least.

When it was time for college, I was going to take student loans, because I didnt want to owe him. My mom said she'd saved money and I believed her. It was during my 3rd year, when he had offered to buy me a car and I told my mom hell no, while she tried to convince me to agree, that she told me he'd been majorly contributing to my tuition and sending her the money for it. I dont think I've ever had a worse argument with her. It fucked with my mind knowing he'd been doing it silently. He knew I wouldn't know, they had thought that while I was planning on taking student loans rather than his help initially, inertia would do its thing if I found out later. And they were right I did end up just taking it for the remainder of my ug without talking to him.

On Tuesday I went to the ER because I had slipped while putting birdfeed in my apartment. My mom is away at my aunt's so I had just called my best friend to come to the ER. Soon after, my dad came too, my mom had told him. I wanted to just go back but he insisted, we spent like 15 minutes arguing but I'm at his place now while my sprain recovers or until my mom comes back. My stepbrothers no longer live here but my half brother who's 9 now does. I haven't spoken to my dad's wife yet, he or my half-brother are the only ones I talk to, who come up to my room to bring stuff, while I work from home. We've talked after a long time about work, my plans for a Masters, and just random stuff.

I've just beem thinking now that he was my dad. Instead my stepbrothers got more of him the past decade than I did. I can't help but regret letting that happen. I also can't help but just think about the life we were robbed off because he cheated. Because my stepmother chose to wreck our home. And her and her sons got to be the family we were. I know my mom wants me to go to hers when she comes back on Saturday, and like that makes sense, but part of me wants to stay here. The fact that his wife probably is hoping I leave soon makes me want to stay too if that makes sense, like f off thats my dad, he pays for this house and its bills, I'm his daughter, I can stay since he wants. I don't even know if I need advice I just wanted to get this off my chest.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

Therapy helped me separate the good dad from the bad husband. You can miss who he was without excusing what he did.

Comment 2:

Well he visited you. Means the door for a relationship is still open. Make the best use of your time while you have it

Comment 3:

It's a sad story all around. I once heard a woman on a podcast who had an affair, and her husband divorced her. Even though she cut off her affair partner, she still couldn't rebuild a healthy relationship with her teenage son, who refused to speak to her or visit her despite his dad's efforts to encourage it.

The therapist's advice to her was simple: stay consistent. Keep showing up for your son, keep writing him letters even he refusesto read them, and be there for him no matter how long it takes for him to come around. She, like your dad, destroyed that relationship, but that doesn't mean she can't build a new one over time.

You miss your father, and you want him to be present in your life. That's a good place to start. Take the same approach, be open to rebuilding a new relationship, one step at a time.

**life is short.

Comment 4 (downvoted):

Your parents relationship sounds like it was falling apart before your dad cheated. I'm not excusing the cheating. He did everything in his power to maintain the relationship with you. Even if he never cheated your parents may have gotten divorced so blaming your stepmother isn't helpful.

Get a therapist to help you work through your emotions. Your stepmother may have an issue with you because how you treat her, her sons, and your father not necessarily just wanting you gone for no reason. Would you like to be around someone who constantly disrespected anf fought with those you love?

OP:

She knew he was married. Knew he had a daughter he loved and who loved him. What are you talking about, why shouldn't I blame her? I blame my dad too ofcourse, but why on earth should she not be ashamed of what she did to our family. And since Tuesday I haven't said anything to her. I've only spoken with my dad, half-brother, the cleaner and the cook. I haven't said anything to her.

I never treated her sons poorly. I just had no interest in talking to them. I never said anything to them about their mom.

I dont need her to want me around. My dad wants me around, I keep away from her.

Comment 5 (downvoted):

I was surprised by how your story ended, and it seems clear that you are still deeply hurt by his infidelity. I strongly encourage you to talk this through, both with him directly and, if possible, with a therapist. Please try to remember that your half brothers are innocent in all of this. You also do not have the full picture of your stepmother's perspective or the state of their marriage when they first met.

Carrying this weight is hurting you more than anyone else. You have already lost so much time with your father, and it would be a shame to lose even more. I worry that if things continue this way, the dynamic will only become more strained. What happened was undeniably wrong, but for your own sake, it is time to find a way to process it. Living with this level of anger is incredibly draining. I really hope you can find some peace soon.

OP:

I only have one half-brother, who's currently 9. I have never blamed him, never been unkind to him. I was fond of him when he was a baby and I'm fond of him now the last 2 days too. I was also never cruel to my stepbrothers. I hardly ever spoke to them.

She knew he was married. Knew he had a daughter. Knew he loved his daughter. Knew she'd be destroying the bond between a daughter and her father. That should have been her perspective.

OP (responding to a deleted comment):

My relationship with my dad, whatever it will look like, is our own. My attitude with her has never stopped him in wanting to be a caring father to me even when I repudiated him, and I trust that he won't let it in the future either

OP (responding to a deleted comment):

I don't think ill of my half-brother at all. I was fond of him when he was a baby and being with him again after all these years, I still am. He's curious, funny and I enjoy talking to him.

Sorry, I absolutely do blame her. She was half the affair. Knew he was married and a loving father. And I still do blame him too, but I know he does love and care about me, and I am spending time with him right now. I regret the time wasted.

Update: - July 19th 2026

Thanks for letting me get my feelings off my chest in my post. I also appreciate everyone who DM'd me meaning well. I know you asked what I'm going to do one my mom returns and wanted me to make my choice for healthy reasons. I ignored a lot of those because I was conflicted then myself, and about my reasons. I wanted to give an update. Whether my reasons and my feelings are healthy or not, its how I'm going about it.

I just wanted to clarify a few things first:

1. I have never, even when I was rude to my dad and stepmom back then, ever shouted at or been cruel to my two stepbrothers. I hardly spoke to them. I used to ignore them, pretend they don't exist. They are like around 20 now I think and don't live in my dad's house.
2. I have absolutely no ill will towards my 9 year old half brother. I felt protective and caring about him when he was a baby and now too I like his company. I played games on Playstation with him because he asked, he's told me about school, he's also learned chess from my dad the way I did and we've bonded a bit over playing chess too.

My mom flew back yesterday. I had told her on the phone that I wanted to stay at my dad's while I recovered. She was disappointed and I hate that, I hated making her sad. I asked her to please understand, all these years she's wanted me to maintain a relationship with my dad , and right now I actually feel like doing it. I told her if I go to hers, I'll be extra work for her even if she doesn't think that, and I'd want to help out, here I'm not being a burden, like we have house help here, I'm not causing dad to over exert himself because of me. She asked if I'd be comfortable with my dad's wife there, I said I didnt care, he wants me to stay, I could care less what his wife thinks. My mom relented.

She came to check up on me. My dad came in the room too. We were just talking about my injury and he was making the case for why I should stay here. His wife decided to enter the room too for some reason and just stand there. I very calmly said that I'd just like my parents here right now. She said to please not tell her where to go in her house. I said my dads house who pays for every cent that runs this house. My dad tried to stop a fight and stepped out with her, and came back alone and my mom left soon after.

Last night when my dad came up to bring my dinner we talked about stuff. Then he said he was glad I chose to stay here. I told him I hated that mom was probably sad about it, but that I thought I'd like to spend time with him right now, that I hadn't in a long time. He thanked me. Later, he said that my comment rubbed his wife the wrong way, that if I was willing to clear the air with her, I'd probably feel more comfortable here. I told him I won't. That she shouldn't have been here when I was injured and just wanted my mom and dad in the room. I will never be ok with what he did, but I still want to spend time with him. Wanted to give my relationship with him and my half-brother a chance but it will never be with her. I want him and my half brother to be happy but I will never wish her well. That if he genuinely couldn't deal with that, I should call mom back and go with her. He just said lets forget about it and we talked about work and my applications.

Again, I read a lot of comments last time saying I need to work this out in therapy about how to forgive him and her. Why do I need to? I can have a relationship with my dad without forgiving him. And I have absolutely no interest in any kind of relationship with her, I can despise her in peace forever. I'm glad I have this place to get stuff out, and I appreciate everyone who was so understanding last time. Thank you.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

So, in a lot of ways, your father is doing what parents who are capable of providing do for their children. What you owe to yourself, is maintaining a relationship with him, which should never be contingent on her. Because that’s what you seem to want.

His inability to understand how even actions from long ago can have a direct impact on the way things are at present is something he needs to be accountable for.

I also agree with many of the previous commenters that you should go to therapy. You should go to therapy to understand what a healthy relationship with your father looks like, so that you don’t live with regret, and you’re also able to be honest with him about, and set boundaries around, yourself and your feelings.

It’s hard when adult actions have longterm implications. 50/50, basically immediately, with the person you were capable of understanding had a hand in this regulating your previously normal life, was not a healthy or good choice. Not to say that your father was not allowed to be happy, but with 50/50 he could have spent his time not with you with her and brought the relationship to you in a way that prioritize helping you healthfully acclimate to this new normal. Instead he all, but had an entirely new family, with you as a guest half the time. His choices landed you all there, and he needs to be accountable for that to you and understanding of your feelings, and how it has impacted you.

I am sure that many of your behaviors were not agreeable, and that you likely behaved very badly. I am not at all agreeing with that. However, I find adult actions and choices to be a lot more important in the situation than the children’s reactions. Children should not be more responsible for their reactions to being placed in difficult situations, than the adults who placed them there.

Get a therapist and work through some of these feelings. And when you feel ready, invite your father to listen.

OP:

Thank you, I can consider therapy as a way to work through and like get help for how my relationship with my dad should move forward . But not as a way of blending into that family and singing kumbaya with her, if that's how it would go which is the way some commenters suggested last time. I'll consider the former, thank you.

Comment 2:

1. Please forgive yourself for how you acted as a teen. You were a hurt kid.
2. I am happy you are trying to rebuild a relationship of sorts with your father.
3. I believe that even as an adult, you do NOT have to develop a relationship with your stepmother if you do not want to. However, I would encourage you to do the work towards becoming ambivalent towards her, more so than angry. Remember, she did not break your parents up alone, and if you can forgive yourself father, you can at least loosely tolerate her. Again, you don’t have to befriend her, but you can at least be tolerant…for you and your growth, not for her.

OP:

Thank you. I just want to say I have been ambivalent towards her in the way I've carried myself here. Up till the point she was inserting herself in a conversation between me and my parents I seriously hadn't spoken a single word to her since I've been here. I was tolerant, didn't ask my dad to choose, didn't and never will say a bad word about her to my half-brother.

Comment 3:

I saw but did not read your last post. I have been the betrayed spouse in my former relationship with older children involved so I’ve had to work through some of these same issues, just from a different perspective. I wanted to address the question you asked “Why do I need to forgive?”.

First off I want to say people do rush into forgiveness too quickly many times and as children we are many times forced into forgiveness. So understand the desire to maintain control over your own feelings. The problem is that forgiveness is not for your father or for his new wife. You forgive them for yourself and your own benefit. It has famously been said “Unforgiveness (resentment) is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die”.

Holding onto that hurt, wounds you more than anyone else. Now that isn’t to say that you need to reconnect with everyone (or even anyone if you so choose). Reconciliation and forgiveness are two entirely separate issues and you should definitely weigh them as such. But forgiveness is for you not for anyone else so that is likely why so many people have encouraged you to get into therapy and to forgive them. Not because they deserve it but because you deserve to be free from all that pain in your past. Sure it will have always happened but this way it can heal. Something to consider.

Comment 4:

Your feelings are valid but it’s not a great first step for you to be staying in their house but not wanting anything to do with his wife, the mother of your half sibling. You’re going to have to be civil, if there’s negative energy it’s not going to work. Imagine how you’d feel if someone was treating your mom like she doesn’t exist. Your sibling might grow to resent you and you’re making life harder for your dad. So you can either stay with your mom and spend time with your dad outside of his house and work on building that relationship or you can stay with him and be civil with the entire family. Otherwise it’s not going to go down well for you in the long run.

Comment 5:

Reiterating that therapy should be a go-to, and also that your hurt and behavior as a child were completely normal and not your fault (especially as you clarified that you were not cruel or abusive to your stepsiblings).

I’m glad that your mother, despite her pain, supported you maintaining a relationship with your father. I’m also glad that you were able to build a bond with your half-brother. And, I’m happy for you that you feel ready to rebuild with your father again.

I understand that you don’t respect your step-mother, and I’m not going to pretend that you have to feel a certain way. But you ARE in her house, and you do have to ACT a certain way.

I agree with you that she should have stepped out to let you talk with your parents while you were injured, but your words to her were atrociously disrespectful. I know you know that, and I know you admit to deliberately enjoying that aspect of your interaction. That is normal, but it is also immature and unhelpful for everyone, yourself included.

Frankly, you are young and privileged to have had your parents able to pay off your college education. That’s a good thing — everyone deserves to have that. But you telling his current wife that the house isn’t hers because he pays all the bills when he’s also put you through college and you haven’t had to manage yourself extensively without his support is doubly disrespectful. You don’t know their finances, and you are not entitled to. Yes, you’re his daughter, but you’re also an adult. She is his wife and mother of his minor child. Like it or not, she has rights to the home that you do not — that is her house you are in, as much as it is your father’s.

Other commenters have noted that your continued insistence on disrespecting her may end up eroding your relationships with your father and half-brother. If you continue down this path, you may eventually force your father to have to make a choice, and you might not like the outcome.

You do not have to like, forgive, or want a closer relationship with your stepmother. You DO need to behave civilly and cordially towards her at the very least, and act respectfully towards her in her own home. Stop antagonizing her and putting your father in the middle. Like it or not, you are no longer the child in this scenario, and you are responsible for behaving accountably & responsibly as an adult.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/feellikeanidiot0 posting in r/AmIOverreacting

Status: Ongoing

Mood Spoiler: >!Wild!<

Original - July 21st 2026

Hi, I need to know if I'm right to be losing it rn. My fiancée and I are due to get married in less than 2 months. We met each other at a mutual's wedding. The wedding was gender segregated so she and her mom had met my mom, who then introduced us later. We then went out for like a couple of months, like I'd pick her up from her place (she lives with her parents) and we'd have dinner and a movie, or go painting, or go to the lake etc. We're both Muslim immigrant families so it was understood that we had to stay within some boundaries but we genuinely really liked each other. She was the one who at one point said we could bring our kids here one day and told me she was going to tell her parents she wanted to marry me and she wanted to say yes to my proposal. We got engaged at a low key family event in February.

It's relevant to mention here that during that time I had respectfully asked her about her past relationships. I had said that I know it's personal and there's absolutely no judgement from me, but as someone who, despite not being a great Muslim in a lot of respects, did abstain and save myself for marriage, I would like a partner who had done the same. That it was a compatibility thing, not a judgemental thing. She didn't seemed to mind and said no, she hadn't been with anyone. I believed her.

Since then the wedding prep has been in full swing and the two of us have gotten the chance to get closer. She's the one who's made more of the effort in our communication, because unfortunately I wfh with an employer in the morning and have my cybersecurity business too, so time can be scarce sometimes. Our only argument has been her complaint that I don't make enough time for us.

Some guy claiming to be her (A in the texts) bf (S in the texts) texted me last night, and even sent me pictures where they're together. He claimed that they were in a relationship for the last 2 years, that they'd been having sex, that they were in love, and I've been losing my mind. I never put any pressure on her. Yes, I really liked her but I let her make decisions at her own pace. If she wanted to be with some other guy, all she had to do was say so. In fact not even, it was none of my business, she didn't even owe me any reasons but just give me a straight no. I haven't picked up her call this morning, I've genuinely been feeling sick at the duplicity.

Transcript of the images OP shared (redacted names have been replaced by their corresponding visible first letters for this post):

12:05 a.m.
Guy: Is this A's fiance?

12:14 a.m.
OP: Who are you?

12:15 a.m.
Guy: Are u A's fiance?

12:18 a.m.
Guy: ??

12:19 a.m.
Guy: im her bf so u cant marry her

12:20 a.m.
Guy: plz tell her and her family your not interested

12:20 a.m.
Guy: A has been my gf for 2 years

12:21 a.m.
Guy: she only wants to be with me we have been in love for past 2 yrs

12:23 a.m.
Guy: weve been dating for past 2 yrs in secret weve have been having sex at my place for past 2 yrs

12:24 a.m.
Guy: she didnt tell u? shell deny if u ask her

12:24 a.m.
Guy: (Sends photos of a seemingly close couple - redacted by OP in the post)

12:27 a.m.
OP: Who are you? What's your name?

12:27 a.m.
Guy: tell her and her family your not interested plz and end it

12:27 a.m.
Guy: S

12:28 a.m.
Guy: ask her face to face about S ull know

12:31 a.m.
Guy: ??

12:31 a.m.
Guy: look u seem like a good guy ull find someone better

12:33 a.m.
Guy: me and A love each otherr

12:34 a.m.
Guy: shes only marrying you bcz her family wants that

12:36 a.m.
Guy: ??

12:39 a.m.
OP: How did you get my number?

12:41 a.m.
Guy: A gave it

12:44 a.m.
Guy: even if u marry her well still see each 9ther i dont want to hurt u like that u seem like a good guy

12:45 a.m.
Guy: the sooner u end it the less drama there will bd

12:58 a.m.
Guy: ??

1:11 a.m.
Guy: look bro i get this is tough but ask her face to face ull know from her face

1:29 a.m.
Guy: ??

2:06 a.m.
Guy: look i have more photos but u understand i dont want to share because as someone who loves her i dont want to have another guy see those private intimate pictures of us

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

Sometimes when you download the image to your phone, it’ll show you the location/date and time it was taken.

OP:

The original EXIF data has been stripped. No time stamps on when it was taken, or any GPS coordinates, camera information or anything useful. That was the first thing I did.

Comment 2:

My first instinct is this is not even a guy, this is someone trying to ruin your fiancee, possibly a family member or rival.

Comment 3:

This guy comes across as a stalker. Sounds like he wants her, but she doesn’t want him. So he’s trying to destroy her relationship with you to have a chance.

Show her these messages. Ask her point blank who it is to her. Chances are he’s someone she’s blown off in the past and he’s got a creepy delusion.

OP:

Thanks, I've lost sleep over this and I blew off our morning call, that was stupid I know, but I wanted to get my head straight first.

Comment 4:

Do not accuse her. Just tell her some weirdo texted you, and show her, then ask if she has any idea who it is.

The most important part at this time is to not destroy the relationship with your fiancée. If she is cheating, you will find it out sooner or later, but you might not come back from accusing her of cheating. And then this weirdo has won.

OP:

Thanks, I'm going to be straight up with her and ask tonight in person. I tried to think this through and make my peace with it like if she cheated or lied then our relationship was a sham anyway, she wouldn't have been the girl that I was looking forward to marrying anyway.

Comment 5:

Please do it in a way that shows that you and her are on the same side, trying to figure out who is trying to drive a wedge between you.

And if you are willing to break up with your fiancée because she had sex before she met you, she will be better off. If your issue is her lying to you, that's valid but I am very familiar with the culture and can see how a woman might not feel safe sharing that with anyone.

But I really think this is someone trying to cause problems, and making up whatever life they think will work on you.

YOR.

OP:

She would not have been unsafe with telling me that, it would absolutely not have left the two of us. If she thinks I would have, then why is she marrying someone who's apparently a sick individual. There wouldn't have been an iota of judgement from me, I really liked her but I would have just taken it as a "not meant to be" thing. I wouldn't have judged her at all, I'm a pathetic Muslim myself, having been in relationships that just stopped short of sex, it was more about dating with hopefully marriage at the end. I would have laid bare all of it for her to gauge any compatibility busters on her end. If I'm being honest, if she'd told me herself yesterday that there was some ex she'd had sex with, I would have just been like whatever, like I love her now and I wouldn't have cared. But to just be ok with what would have been an everlasting lie, anyway I'm letting my brain run wild, maybe he's full of shit.

I'm going to be collected and approach this in a non-accusatory manner. Thanks.

Just want to add: I'm sorry if my comment seemed pointed. I'm not going in to the conversation with her tonight on the opposing side, I am on her side. I just was responding to the implication that there would have been some consequences to her life from me, as if I would have let that information out if she didn't want it to. Sorry.

Comment 6:

Why are you so eager to believe an anonymous stranger before talking to her? 

I think your reactions are weird.  I’d be furious but you are losing sleep thinking this is true?

OP:

The photos seem real, the number checks out, and I'm working not knowing if I'm getting married in less than two months. What reaction should I be having until 7 when I pick her up?

Comment 7:

could the photos be AI generated?

OP:

I put two of the pictures through an AI detector. Both of them were classified as real. For one it said there was a 36% chance of ai, for the other it said 2%.

I'm going to see her tonight and talk to her.

Comment 8:

AI detectors are not reliable whatsoever

OP:

I know that. I know it could be AI and the detector could say 0%. It could be a picture I take myself and it might say 100%. I'll get my answers tonight, like thats the only way. The guy kept saying look at her facial reactions I don't even know wtf that means but apparently it's going to be a tell. I don't believe him but I'll find out in person. Thanks a lot.

Mini-Update by OP on the same post:

Just want to add: I know she's the one I should talk to but I just didn't want to do it on the phone, I'm going to go pick her up right now. I'm not going to be accusatory, I just want the truth of it all. I love her but like if there's someone else and she's feeling pressured into this marriage, like I'm prepared to give her any reason she needs to end it that works for her in front of her family. I'll be on her side like I was suggested here.

Update: - July 21st 2026 (13 hours after the original post)

A lot of people asked for an update, so I thought I'd give one. I can't talk about it with anyone else because somehow I'm the one who ended up responsible for keeping her secret, my own crisis about this be damned, like its taking me so much to not just contact and ask him straight up about what happened.

I asked her if she knew who S was. He was right, I could immediately tell the guy wasn't lying, she definitely knew. She said he was a guy she used to know, and I told her he had contacted me, and showed her the texts. She said he was lying, that she ended things with him before we met and that they'd never had sex. I asked if there was any overlap between our relationships and she said only when she went to meet him one last time to tell him it was over, because he wasn't taking no for an answer. I asked if the photos were real, they were. I asked her to be honest with me, did she really have sex with him like he was saying. She was crying and swearing they didn't, they were intimate and she regrets everything with him but they didn't.

She gave me her phone and basically forced me to confirm that there were no text messages between him and her recently while we've been together. His number was in her blocked list. She asked me to block his number and so I asked if he was being honest about having way more intimate pictures. She said there were a lot more compromising pictures of her that she thinks he has but swore that they hadn’t had sex. She was crying and I blocked him in the moment what else could I do looking at her. She was pleading with me not to reach out to him, and she was freaking out that he'd post them somewhere public before our wedding. At that point I was trying to keep her from freaking out, I told her that would be illegal, he wouldn't do that and so in the moment I just stupidly promised to not contact him.

I told her if there's any kind of pressure like there's any number of excuses she could use regarding me to end this that would save face for everyone, and be with whomever like I'll get over it at some point eventually, yeah it'll be sad for a while and we'll have lost some money especially if the venue doesn't get rebooked at short notice I think, but just have some mercy on both of us and end this now. She swore there was no pressure and that she'd been counting the days until the wedding, that she hadn't even thought of his name until I brought it up. She was like he's doing this to prevent our wedding and fine I get that but like why does he sound more honest with me than she does? I really wouldn't have cared if I'd learned all this yesterday from her, yeah it would've meant she lied initially but like now we loved each other beyond that stuff, this was just her being ok with keeping me in a forever lie that was wrong. I started feeling sick so I just said I wasn't feeling well and we cut it short.

During the drive back to hers, she was almost talking like a coach like let's please forget about this, we're so happy together, we've discussed so many plans, don't let him screw up our relationship. Like I have my own mental breakdown over all this what about that! She kept asking me whether I was fine, I said I was, I mean I don't even know if that's a lie, I wasn't thinking at all.

I've been going over the texts, and I don't know how I can go into the wedding not knowing the answer. Like its so easily doable I just need to ask him to meet up and have one conversation if he would. Honestly it's more about if she's still lying about this, it's not about the sex, it's just about the trust. I know he's also lied, because she clearly hasn't been meeting with him of late, and she really hadn't given me any reason to think of her as a liar thus far but I could just confirm it so easily. It's sincerely about the respect of having been honest, not about the boundary itself, I love her I wouldn't have cared if she'd told me herself yesterday. But it feels sick to contact him like that, like that's not how it should be, and I don't want to have to talk to someone who'd speak the way he was.

I think I'll decide stuff by myself tomorrow morning about the future of our relationship, my mind is not going to work today. I probably won't give further updates. I don't know how much more help I can ask for here, due to some immigrant cultural context that might be missing (as much as I've skated past it myself to a fair extent). I don't want to be stupid but I don't want to be walked over either. Thanks.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

I think it’s very fair that she is freaking out. As a woman if any kind of pictures come out IT’S BAD and especially if she does have a nightmare ex like this guy she’s probably very scared and worried

OP:

I totally understand that. It's sick what he did, like the way he approached me.

Comment 2:

if you think that then what is the point of reaching out to him at all? this dude got into your head, to the point where you think it's stupid that you promised your fiance you wouldn't reach out to him. it's pretty clear from the way you wrote this post, and from the other one, that this is not a good or honest guy. in your fiance's own words "he wouldn't take no for an answer."

I wouldn't entertain this dude anymore strictly on the basis that you can't trust anything he says.

OP:

To know if they had sex when they were together. The way she said she thinks he has compromising pictures, and the way he was claiming they did, almost seems like there's literally a sliver of daylight between what they're saying.

Also, just to clarify because I got some dms, when I asked her this back when it was still early days, its not like I was fixated on whether she had sex before or not. It truly was a compatibility thing only. Like we'd asked about alcohol too, she said she'd had alcohol after long days or especially she said after bad exams in the past with friends but she didn't anymore, and wouldn't be ok with her husband drinking alcohol. I've never drank alcohol. I was open about the fact that I've smoked weed, tried shrooms and lsd in uni but don't anymore and she thought that was funny as long as I didn't regularly anymore and we moved on. Premarital sex was just one of those things on my end, purely because it was a line I had chosen to not cross, so it'd probably be best if my wife hadn't either purely for compatibility reasons. I only asked about sex, because I'm not a hypocrite, if I've had relationships which just didn't involve sex (they were relationships with an aim to hopefully end at marriage) I obviously wouldn't hold that as a boundary. But this just was one for me.

But even despite all that like at this point I was so happy until yesterday that if she'd even point blank told me herself that she had to confess about having lied before I would've taken it in stride, like whatever. It's just the potential lie and not knowing whether I'm being lied to, and the way he was fucking gloating, especially when there's a guy who's disgusting but apparently has the answer.

Sorry this got long, truly.

Comment 3:

What kind of answer could you actually get from him though?

He's already told you they had sex, she told you they didn't. He's already definitely lied to you about them continuing to meet, being "in love", and planning to meet even after your wedding. His intention is clearly to sabotage your relationship, so he's an unreliable source. I'm not sure what further clarity you would hope to get from him. If you contact him, he'll say they had sex. You still won't know if it's true.

She's begged you not to contact him because he's obviously not safe. Whatever pictures he has would be shared without your fiancées consent. I think you can understand that it's not ethically right to contact a woman's unsafe ex for intimate pictures she does not consent to being shared, that ethical boundary doesn't change just because it's your fiancée.

You've said yourself that you were physically intimate with exes without having sex. From what I can tell she likely had a similar experience with this guy and it was traumatic and she regrets it deeply. Whether she lied depends on whether you asked about only sex specifically, or whether you asked about previous dating relationships or other kinds of physical intimacy. You've seen her phone, you know she's been faithful during your relationship.

I'm very sorry you've been put in this situation. It's understandable to freak out, but it would be an ethical violation, a personal betrayal, and pretty useless for getting the actual truth, to contact your fiancée's abuser whether you decide to proceed with the marriage or not.

It's fair to take some time and reflect on what you need to do, but please make up your own mind about this without involving him further.

Truly wishing you strength and steadiness in a situation that is painful for both of you.

Comment 4:

Also because OP’s position enrages me:

I think I'll decide stuff by myself tomorrow morning about the future of our relationship, my mind is not going to work today. I probably won't give further updates. I don't know how much more help I can ask for here, due to some immigrant cultural context that might be missing (as much as I've skated past it myself to a fair extent). I don't want to be stupid but I don't want to be walked over either. Thanks.

Incel 101. “I‘ll decide”…”I don’t want to be walked over.” None of anything your fiancée has done is walking over you. Don’t be a fucking worm. Here’s a fucking thought. How about you two talk to each other about whether you love each other and want to get married? Jesus fuck.

Edit: Update to this BORU

OP added to the second post the next day

I'm not going to see him. I genuinely woke up today feeling more at peace about it for some reason, I think the sleep and my fiancée's morning call helped. It gets worse the more I try to dwell on it though but I'm not going to contact him. I'm going to just see and try to work through this in my head. Thanks.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/sprainedankle2011 posting in r/offmychest

Status: Ongoing

Mood Spoiler: >!Complicated!<

Original - July 17th 2026

My parents divorced when I was 14 (I'm 25 now) because my dad cheated on her with someone who worked for him. My parents used to argue about him not giving my mom enough time, not putting her first, not respecting her as an equal . In some ways it was like a sickeningly logical culmination of their marriage. But for me until that point he was my hero. I was a total daddy's girl which is hilarious to think about now considering the last 11 years. He would take me everywhere, grocery runs, mechanic, NBA, movie night, pizza night, homework and test and exam help. It destroyed me when I found out. They split custody 50-50 and I was a massive b to him and later his new wife (the woman he cheated with). Lots of locked doors, calling out his wife, calling him out. I've maybe spoken like 20 sentences in totality to her two sons (my stepbrothers). When they had their son, I made sure to never let his wife think I was going to be like a loving older sister. With my dad though, he did kind of wear me down, and with him I did develop a kind of big sister bond with my half-brother. I used to argue with my mom about not wanting to go but she insisted I maintain decency with my dad at least.

When it was time for college, I was going to take student loans, because I didnt want to owe him. My mom said she'd saved money and I believed her. It was during my 3rd year, when he had offered to buy me a car and I told my mom hell no, while she tried to convince me to agree, that she told me he'd been majorly contributing to my tuition and sending her the money for it. I dont think I've ever had a worse argument with her. It fucked with my mind knowing he'd been doing it silently. He knew I wouldn't know, they had thought that while I was planning on taking student loans rather than his help initially, inertia would do its thing if I found out later. And they were right I did end up just taking it for the remainder of my ug without talking to him.

On Tuesday I went to the ER because I had slipped while putting birdfeed in my apartment. My mom is away at my aunt's so I had just called my best friend to come to the ER. Soon after, my dad came too, my mom had told him. I wanted to just go back but he insisted, we spent like 15 minutes arguing but I'm at his place now while my sprain recovers or until my mom comes back. My stepbrothers no longer live here but my half brother who's 9 now does. I haven't spoken to my dad's wife yet, he or my half-brother are the only ones I talk to, who come up to my room to bring stuff, while I work from home. We've talked after a long time about work, my plans for a Masters, and just random stuff.

I've just beem thinking now that he was my dad. Instead my stepbrothers got more of him the past decade than I did. I can't help but regret letting that happen. I also can't help but just think about the life we were robbed off because he cheated. Because my stepmother chose to wreck our home. And her and her sons got to be the family we were. I know my mom wants me to go to hers when she comes back on Saturday, and like that makes sense, but part of me wants to stay here. The fact that his wife probably is hoping I leave soon makes me want to stay too if that makes sense, like f off thats my dad, he pays for this house and its bills, I'm his daughter, I can stay since he wants. I don't even know if I need advice I just wanted to get this off my chest.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

Therapy helped me separate the good dad from the bad husband. You can miss who he was without excusing what he did.

Comment 2:

Well he visited you. Means the door for a relationship is still open. Make the best use of your time while you have it

Comment 3:

It's a sad story all around. I once heard a woman on a podcast who had an affair, and her husband divorced her. Even though she cut off her affair partner, she still couldn't rebuild a healthy relationship with her teenage son, who refused to speak to her or visit her despite his dad's efforts to encourage it.

The therapist's advice to her was simple: stay consistent. Keep showing up for your son, keep writing him letters even he refusesto read them, and be there for him no matter how long it takes for him to come around. She, like your dad, destroyed that relationship, but that doesn't mean she can't build a new one over time.

You miss your father, and you want him to be present in your life. That's a good place to start. Take the same approach, be open to rebuilding a new relationship, one step at a time.

**life is short.

Comment 4 (downvoted):

Your parents relationship sounds like it was falling apart before your dad cheated. I'm not excusing the cheating. He did everything in his power to maintain the relationship with you. Even if he never cheated your parents may have gotten divorced so blaming your stepmother isn't helpful.

Get a therapist to help you work through your emotions. Your stepmother may have an issue with you because how you treat her, her sons, and your father not necessarily just wanting you gone for no reason. Would you like to be around someone who constantly disrespected anf fought with those you love?

OP:

She knew he was married. Knew he had a daughter he loved and who loved him. What are you talking about, why shouldn't I blame her? I blame my dad too ofcourse, but why on earth should she not be ashamed of what she did to our family. And since Tuesday I haven't said anything to her. I've only spoken with my dad, half-brother, the cleaner and the cook. I haven't said anything to her.

I never treated her sons poorly. I just had no interest in talking to them. I never said anything to them about their mom.

I dont need her to want me around. My dad wants me around, I keep away from her.

Comment 5 (downvoted):

I was surprised by how your story ended, and it seems clear that you are still deeply hurt by his infidelity. I strongly encourage you to talk this through, both with him directly and, if possible, with a therapist. Please try to remember that your half brothers are innocent in all of this. You also do not have the full picture of your stepmother's perspective or the state of their marriage when they first met.

Carrying this weight is hurting you more than anyone else. You have already lost so much time with your father, and it would be a shame to lose even more. I worry that if things continue this way, the dynamic will only become more strained. What happened was undeniably wrong, but for your own sake, it is time to find a way to process it. Living with this level of anger is incredibly draining. I really hope you can find some peace soon.

OP:

I only have one half-brother, who's currently 9. I have never blamed him, never been unkind to him. I was fond of him when he was a baby and I'm fond of him now the last 2 days too. I was also never cruel to my stepbrothers. I hardly ever spoke to them.

She knew he was married. Knew he had a daughter. Knew he loved his daughter. Knew she'd be destroying the bond between a daughter and her father. That should have been her perspective.

OP (responding to a deleted comment):

My relationship with my dad, whatever it will look like, is our own. My attitude with her has never stopped him in wanting to be a caring father to me even when I repudiated him, and I trust that he won't let it in the future either

OP (responding to a deleted comment):

I don't think ill of my half-brother at all. I was fond of him when he was a baby and being with him again after all these years, I still am. He's curious, funny and I enjoy talking to him.

Sorry, I absolutely do blame her. She was half the affair. Knew he was married and a loving father. And I still do blame him too, but I know he does love and care about me, and I am spending time with him right now. I regret the time wasted.

Update: - July 19th 2026

Thanks for letting me get my feelings off my chest in my post. I also appreciate everyone who DM'd me meaning well. I know you asked what I'm going to do one my mom returns and wanted me to make my choice for healthy reasons. I ignored a lot of those because I was conflicted then myself, and about my reasons. I wanted to give an update. Whether my reasons and my feelings are healthy or not, its how I'm going about it.

I just wanted to clarify a few things first:

1. I have never, even when I was rude to my dad and stepmom back then, ever shouted at or been cruel to my two stepbrothers. I hardly spoke to them. I used to ignore them, pretend they don't exist. They are like around 20 now I think and don't live in my dad's house.
2. I have absolutely no ill will towards my 9 year old half brother. I felt protective and caring about him when he was a baby and now too I like his company. I played games on Playstation with him because he asked, he's told me about school, he's also learned chess from my dad the way I did and we've bonded a bit over playing chess too.

My mom flew back yesterday. I had told her on the phone that I wanted to stay at my dad's while I recovered. She was disappointed and I hate that, I hated making her sad. I asked her to please understand, all these years she's wanted me to maintain a relationship with my dad , and right now I actually feel like doing it. I told her if I go to hers, I'll be extra work for her even if she doesn't think that, and I'd want to help out, here I'm not being a burden, like we have house help here, I'm not causing dad to over exert himself because of me. She asked if I'd be comfortable with my dad's wife there, I said I didnt care, he wants me to stay, I could care less what his wife thinks. My mom relented.

She came to check up on me. My dad came in the room too. We were just talking about my injury and he was making the case for why I should stay here. His wife decided to enter the room too for some reason and just stand there. I very calmly said that I'd just like my parents here right now. She said to please not tell her where to go in her house. I said my dads house who pays for every cent that runs this house. My dad tried to stop a fight and stepped out with her, and came back alone and my mom left soon after.

Last night when my dad came up to bring my dinner we talked about stuff. Then he said he was glad I chose to stay here. I told him I hated that mom was probably sad about it, but that I thought I'd like to spend time with him right now, that I hadn't in a long time. He thanked me. Later, he said that my comment rubbed his wife the wrong way, that if I was willing to clear the air with her, I'd probably feel more comfortable here. I told him I won't. That she shouldn't have been here when I was injured and just wanted my mom and dad in the room. I will never be ok with what he did, but I still want to spend time with him. Wanted to give my relationship with him and my half-brother a chance but it will never be with her. I want him and my half brother to be happy but I will never wish her well. That if he genuinely couldn't deal with that, I should call mom back and go with her. He just said lets forget about it and we talked about work and my applications.

Again, I read a lot of comments last time saying I need to work this out in therapy about how to forgive him and her. Why do I need to? I can have a relationship with my dad without forgiving him. And I have absolutely no interest in any kind of relationship with her, I can despise her in peace forever. I'm glad I have this place to get stuff out, and I appreciate everyone who was so understanding last time. Thank you.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

So, in a lot of ways, your father is doing what parents who are capable of providing do for their children. What you owe to yourself, is maintaining a relationship with him, which should never be contingent on her. Because that’s what you seem to want.

His inability to understand how even actions from long ago can have a direct impact on the way things are at present is something he needs to be accountable for.

I also agree with many of the previous commenters that you should go to therapy. You should go to therapy to understand what a healthy relationship with your father looks like, so that you don’t live with regret, and you’re also able to be honest with him about, and set boundaries around, yourself and your feelings.

It’s hard when adult actions have longterm implications. 50/50, basically immediately, with the person you were capable of understanding had a hand in this regulating your previously normal life, was not a healthy or good choice. Not to say that your father was not allowed to be happy, but with 50/50 he could have spent his time not with you with her and brought the relationship to you in a way that prioritize helping you healthfully acclimate to this new normal. Instead he all, but had an entirely new family, with you as a guest half the time. His choices landed you all there, and he needs to be accountable for that to you and understanding of your feelings, and how it has impacted you.

I am sure that many of your behaviors were not agreeable, and that you likely behaved very badly. I am not at all agreeing with that. However, I find adult actions and choices to be a lot more important in the situation than the children’s reactions. Children should not be more responsible for their reactions to being placed in difficult situations, than the adults who placed them there.

Get a therapist and work through some of these feelings. And when you feel ready, invite your father to listen.

OP:

Thank you, I can consider therapy as a way to work through and like get help for how my relationship with my dad should move forward . But not as a way of blending into that family and singing kumbaya with her, if that's how it would go which is the way some commenters suggested last time. I'll consider the former, thank you.

Comment 2:

1. Please forgive yourself for how you acted as a teen. You were a hurt kid.
2. I am happy you are trying to rebuild a relationship of sorts with your father.
3. I believe that even as an adult, you do NOT have to develop a relationship with your stepmother if you do not want to. However, I would encourage you to do the work towards becoming ambivalent towards her, more so than angry. Remember, she did not break your parents up alone, and if you can forgive yourself father, you can at least loosely tolerate her. Again, you don’t have to befriend her, but you can at least be tolerant…for you and your growth, not for her.

OP:

Thank you. I just want to say I have been ambivalent towards her in the way I've carried myself here. Up till the point she was inserting herself in a conversation between me and my parents I seriously hadn't spoken a single word to her since I've been here. I was tolerant, didn't ask my dad to choose, didn't and never will say a bad word about her to my half-brother.

Comment 3:

I saw but did not read your last post. I have been the betrayed spouse in my former relationship with older children involved so I’ve had to work through some of these same issues, just from a different perspective. I wanted to address the question you asked “Why do I need to forgive?”.

First off I want to say people do rush into forgiveness too quickly many times and as children we are many times forced into forgiveness. So understand the desire to maintain control over your own feelings. The problem is that forgiveness is not for your father or for his new wife. You forgive them for yourself and your own benefit. It has famously been said “Unforgiveness (resentment) is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die”.

Holding onto that hurt, wounds you more than anyone else. Now that isn’t to say that you need to reconnect with everyone (or even anyone if you so choose). Reconciliation and forgiveness are two entirely separate issues and you should definitely weigh them as such. But forgiveness is for you not for anyone else so that is likely why so many people have encouraged you to get into therapy and to forgive them. Not because they deserve it but because you deserve to be free from all that pain in your past. Sure it will have always happened but this way it can heal. Something to consider.

Comment 4:

Your feelings are valid but it’s not a great first step for you to be staying in their house but not wanting anything to do with his wife, the mother of your half sibling. You’re going to have to be civil, if there’s negative energy it’s not going to work. Imagine how you’d feel if someone was treating your mom like she doesn’t exist. Your sibling might grow to resent you and you’re making life harder for your dad. So you can either stay with your mom and spend time with your dad outside of his house and work on building that relationship or you can stay with him and be civil with the entire family. Otherwise it’s not going to go down well for you in the long run.

Comment 5:

Reiterating that therapy should be a go-to, and also that your hurt and behavior as a child were completely normal and not your fault (especially as you clarified that you were not cruel or abusive to your stepsiblings).

I’m glad that your mother, despite her pain, supported you maintaining a relationship with your father. I’m also glad that you were able to build a bond with your half-brother. And, I’m happy for you that you feel ready to rebuild with your father again.

I understand that you don’t respect your step-mother, and I’m not going to pretend that you have to feel a certain way. But you ARE in her house, and you do have to ACT a certain way.

I agree with you that she should have stepped out to let you talk with your parents while you were injured, but your words to her were atrociously disrespectful. I know you know that, and I know you admit to deliberately enjoying that aspect of your interaction. That is normal, but it is also immature and unhelpful for everyone, yourself included.

Frankly, you are young and privileged to have had your parents able to pay off your college education. That’s a good thing — everyone deserves to have that. But you telling his current wife that the house isn’t hers because he pays all the bills when he’s also put you through college and you haven’t had to manage yourself extensively without his support is doubly disrespectful. You don’t know their finances, and you are not entitled to. Yes, you’re his daughter, but you’re also an adult. She is his wife and mother of his minor child. Like it or not, she has rights to the home that you do not — that is her house you are in, as much as it is your father’s.

Other commenters have noted that your continued insistence on disrespecting her may end up eroding your relationships with your father and half-brother. If you continue down this path, you may eventually force your father to have to make a choice, and you might not like the outcome.

You do not have to like, forgive, or want a closer relationship with your stepmother. You DO need to behave civilly and cordially towards her at the very least, and act respectfully towards her in her own home. Stop antagonizing her and putting your father in the middle. Like it or not, you are no longer the child in this scenario, and you are responsible for behaving accountably & responsibly as an adult.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is  u/Grouchy_Jacket_5570

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Status: Ongoing

Trigger Warning: >!emotional manipulation, parental death !<

Mood Spoiler: >!Mixed!<

Original - January 11th 2026

Hi, I said something meaning well but even my dad whom I said it for thinks I went too far. So I'd like to have an unbiased opinion.

My mom passed away almost 5 years ago. I was 24 at the time, my sister was 17. She's always beem treated as the baby of the family by all of us and she did take our mom's passing very hard. According to my dad, she'd have night terrors and he would go downstairs to get her water. She stayed with him for the first year of her college before moving out.

A couple of years ago, my dad started dating someone and when he told us my sister went ballistic, full-on sobbing and begging him not to. The strain led to him breaking it off. Same story repeated once more after that. My dad told me she was young and still coming to terms with it so he wouldn't take anything too far.

Since last year, he's been dating another woman who has two young boys of her own. My dad seems to really enjoy her company, we've met her a few times and honestly I love my dad and want him to be happy, he's a great guy and she seems to make him so. When he told us he wanted to have us all spend christams together, my sister again had an argument, said that christmas with him was supposed to be her safe space, we had memories of us as a family with mom and asked him to hold off. He said yes and I knew he would because ofcourse he wasn't going to risk her not coming.

Meanwhile, when talking to me, my sister has been asking me repeatedly if I think dad is going to marry this woman, I said I don't know but if he wants to then I hope he does. Last weekend on the family groupchat, my sister talked about moving stuff back to his place. Thats when I learned that she was planning on moving back after she graduates in May and my dad had agreed.

I was so annoyed, she's pulling the same thing, this is clearly to monopolize his attention and not let his relationship with his girlfriend proceed further. I said as much in the groupchat, she said she just wants to move back to be with dad and in the house where we have mom's memories. At this I told her to stop weaponizing our mom's death, and pretending like she was the only one affected and that the rest of us loved her less just because we want to look past the grief. That she was being manipulative in moving back when she had no plans prior to learning about his girlfriend. My dad kept texting me to shut up, my sister left the groupchat. She sent me a long text chain essentially calling me an AH and that her relationship with dad is her own. My dad says I crossed a line and should make up with her. AITA? Him taking her side is whats hurting me the most.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

NTA

Your family should seek professional help, in my opinion. She's still grieving the loss of your mother, and she's not letting your family move on in a healthy manner.

Comment 2:

NTA.

Your sister needs major therapy, and your dad needs to stop enabling her.

Comment 3:

Your sister seems to be trying to keep your mother "alive" by freezing the house and your dad the way they were when your mom was alive. In her mind, moving on = killing your mom. That's understandable when the grief is still new and raw, but it's not healthy five years later. Talk to your father about this. Maybe a condition of her staying with him (for a limited period of time) could be that she has to get therapy, and you and/or your dad should be there for the first session to ensure the unbiased truth is established.

She must NOT move in unless and until she starts this therapy. She's guilting your dad and ruining his chances for happiness, and him allowing it isn't good for her.

NTA.

OP (responding to a deleted comment):

Thank you, I just wanted to clarify it was an immediate family groupchat, just the 3 of us. Not an extended family one.

Comment 4 (downvoted):

ESH. You and your sister both need therapy. Her for grief, and you for your thinly veiled jealousy/anger at your sister.

This is not a condemnation. I personally believe that most everyone could benefit from therapy. We live in fucked up times and no one makes it to adulthood unscathed.

OP responds:

Thank you for your comment. I just want to say I'm not jealous of her, if it came across that way. She's my baby sister, I love her to bits, I just think she's in the wrong here and has been for a while. Thats why I said it.

Comment 5:

I'm sure this will get downvoted to hell, because this sub loves reductive, binary thinking, and the idea of a "Golden Child" rather than nuance or compassion, but ...

YTA. And not gently, either.

First of all, YTA for "she's not the only one".

Other than the fact that she's literally never implied that she is the only one, or challenged your way of grieving, it seems you don't comprehend that while you were both very young to lose your mum, and it must have been terrible for you as well, you were a young adult, 24 and already having started to establish yourself and your life outside the home, while your sister was a literal teenager. And not just a teenager, but a teenager at one of the most overwhelming points in a young person's life, on the cusp of adulthood and college and all of those things where we MOST need guidance and support and to feel like we have backup as we figure out the first steps out of childhood and into the world of adults. Your sister lost your mum before she had had a chance to find her footing in the world of adults.

And yet you expect her to have grieved in a similar manner to you and ... what exactly? Gotten over it in a few years because you did? I know adults in their 50s who still wobble occasionally at the loss of their parents and struggle to figure out life without them, 5-7 years later. It's perfectly fucking normal that your sister is still not handling things well, particularly if she didn't have any kind of therapy or grief counseling when all this happened, given that again, she was already in a time of transition and uncertainty and then lost your mum on top of that.

Secondly, and the biggest reason, YTA for infantilising your dad even as you expect your sister to be [your personal idea of] an adult about it, despite the fact that again, she literally was a teenager who didn't have her mother there to help her transition into adulthood, and despite your dad literally telling you point blank that he neither wants nor needs your input on this. The irony is staggering. You've somehow got this whole thing bass-ackwards.

Your sister is correct, her relationship with your dad is theirs, and none of your business.

It doesn't matter if you think she's being manipulative. Do you think your dad is dumber than you are? That he isn't aware of what's happening? Or do you just think that he isn't allowed to want to handle it differently to how you think he should?

YTA. Stop trying to puppeteer other people's relationships. It's ironic that you scornfully talk about your sister as "the baby" of the family (which she literally is, by birth order), but you're being a prototypical controlling older sister who thinks she knows better than anyone.

OP provided a mini-update soon after as an addition to the same post:

Thank you for your comments. I spoke to my dad this morning and brought up tnat she is still in grief and it would be kind to her if we suggested therapy. My dad seemed on the fence about it. He said I should go ahead and suggest it to her if I want, but he's concerned if he says it she'll feel attacked and think she's a problem, as per him.

So I dont know. I don't know how receptive my sister would be at this moment to what I say after what happened. I'll see. I'll try talking to her when she's more receptive.

Also, I appreciate the comments saying the lecture I gave should've come from my dad not me. My dad once drove two hours at night to give her a portable heater because the thermostat in her apartment was acting out and he couldn't have her wait till the morning for maintenance. The lecture wouldn't have come from him. Its why I said it.

Update: - May 24th 2026

Hi, I thought I'd give an update since I'd taken some advice from reddit last time.

I saw my sister the next time when she was home for her spring break and I'd also gone to visit. She had already moved some of her stuff back then. We had gone out to eat with dad, but when we were back and alone I had asked how it had gone when my dad's girlfriend had visited, she said she was over once and like that was it. I had asked how my dad's girlfriend felt about her planning on moving back, she said it didn't come up and basically said she was moving back to her house, why would his girlfriend care, which to me seemed crazy like ofcourse she would have some thoughts about that, she spends time here, has stayed over here, her sons have visited.

I took stock of the feedback last time, was gentle and understanding, and just said that I was sorry I wasn't here more in the months after mom's passing, and we never really fully got the chance to grieve, and suggested therapy. She was offended by that asked if I was implying she was crazy and was just like she's moving back home whats the big deal. When I spoke to my dad in passing he had mentioned he hadn't gotten the chance to tell his girlfriend yet, because it was still in flux, that my sister's plans weren't certain yet, and seemed like he thought it wouldn't be a problem.

We met again for Easter at my dad's place, his girlfriend and her two sons had also come. I don't recall if she said hi to them but she maybe spoke like a sentence to them that entire time. Just spoke to me and dad, and he was caught between entertaining her vs his gf and her kids. I tried to make them, especially the boys feel comfortable, I even went to my sister and said that like this looks really rude, this is not how we do things and she just said we have no common interests what do you want me to talk about.

I had gotten the advice that at some point while I love my dad and sister, its time to step back, I didn't push anyone but really thought my dad would see that this was a precursor to what it would be like. I don't know if he didn't recognize that, or maybe he did but doesnt want to do anything about it, but either way, my sister has moved back. Her job that she's starting is wfh too (or I think she has to go in occasionally for which she'll make the 1 hour drive she said) but she has moved back. I have no idea what her plan was if she had gotten her job somewhere else and had to go in but it seemed to have worked out for her. I haven't gotten the chance to visit since, I'm going to visit them on Monday but I've just reminded myself what I was told, that it is their relationship, and its my dad's call at the end of the day.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

Oof. I'm so sorry. It seems you've done the best you can, at least for right now, and I agree stepping back a bit sounds like a good idea for your own health.

Best wishes to you. If you're open to it, it might not be a bad idea to find a therapist for yourself, to get advice on managing the new dynamic and setting good boundaries for yourself (should this end up becoming more of a Thing™). Would help down the line too with any therapist talks with sis/dad, if you choose to do so.

Good for you for what you've done thus far!

Comment 2:

RIP to your dads future. As there isnt much there because of your sister.

Comment 3:

Sometimes, you need to let people be messy. I hope your dad comes to his senses sooner rather than later. In an ideal world, he’d make therapy a condition for living with him.

OP:

I hope they both do. I hope my sister understands that we'll get busier with life and dad will want to not be alone and he shouldn't have to be.

Comment 4:

Maybe op you can just have your sister know that seeing a therapist is not a defeat. It's not an acknowledgement of mental distress nor sickness. Maybe try this approach and elaborate on it. I had a friend who had lost her son in an accident. She refused to see someone about it. Her life went on but the burden, the weight of her grief didn't stop.

When I need to fix something I go to a professional. A plumber, a dentist, a car mechanic, an electrician, a fiscalist, etc.

I know for sure that a therapist put my brain back on the right way after my dad's passing and I was 45.

OP:

I don't think she'll be receptive to that. I don't think she sees a problem with whatevers happening.

Comment 5:

Yeah she's going to slowly cause hell for your dads gf. She is going to ignore and be rude to her and her kids, demand your dads time ALLOT so he doesn't spend time with his gf, and like an idiot he's going to do it. He seems to be blind where your sister is concerned. She's going to ruin his relationship.

Latest Update: - May 27th 2026

Just a last update since some people had asked.

Monday was off so I visited my dad's place to spend the day but I ended up staying overnight because we were all watching Supernatural at night on a full stomach and dozed off in front of the couch. I had to go to work in my sister's clothes today from my dad's place.

So my sister is back at their place fully and has settled in. And like I said I was going to not get involved anymore and instead just had a good time there. My dad seems happier that shes there, she is helping with chores, making dinner etc. We went for a walk around the block in the evening, which apparently they have now started to do regularly, which I'm glad for, that my dad is getting physical exercise and keeping fit.

I did ask him how she was doing when we were alone. I hadn’t told him yet that I had suggested therapy to her for help with grief counseling. My dad had been the one who had suggested I broach the subject a while back becuase he didn't want to be the one to do it and have her think that he considers her a problem. I told him about the exchange just so he was aware. He just asked me to drop it, that its fine, she seems to be doing well at least since she's returned. I joked that I should move back in too and accumulate some savings (I definitely won't, it'll be tough with my bf and I like my privacy) and he just joked who's stopping you.

I mean I only came on here because I just wanted my dad to not be alone the way he had been when I was busy and my sister started living at her dorm, and for my sister to not be in grief still either. I had been really busy maybe also as a coping mechanism at the time and felt guilty about dad not having anyone and having not been there to help with my sister. But he seems happier right now with my sister around. I do genuinely think his gf is a good woman for him, and its probably doomed now, but he can make his decisions. I know he won't be able to go through with it if it comes at the cost of my sister being hurt, I know that. I hope in that case, having us is hopefully enough, and hes happy. Thank you to everyone who gave me advice, and detaching myself from the situation was helpful. This is probably my last update, I already know how this is going to end, but I think maybe this is what my dad wants. Thanks.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

I just hope your sister is prepared to step up when your father is old enough to start needing care. 

Beyond that- they're all adults. 

You could move back in to save up if you wanted to, but I think your independence is worth more.

Comment 2:

It’s painful to see people you love hurt. It sounds like you tried your best to bring healing. At least your family is aware now of the sacrifices that your dad is making after you brought it to their e. Your dad sounds like a good man. It’s sad to think he may be giving up a healthy romantic relationship but after all the Reddit stories of dads abandoning their children for a relationship, he stands out as a dad who truly loves his children.

Comment 3:

He can still have a relation with his gf without the expectation of her moving in. They’re all adults and your dad is happy, let it go and just be there for them if there’s a fall out from all of this.

Although I think it would be prudent to suggest to your dad he tries therapy to have a neutral space / person to talk to.

Comment 4:

I think you're right to take a step back, and maybe also judge a little less. You make a bunch of assumptions about everyone, but how certain can you really be about all this when you don't seem to have been very involved outside of encouraging your dad to date? Like, do you actually know that his relationship with his girlfriend is doomed? Do you actually know that your sister choosing to live with her dad for a bit fresh out of college means that she's manipulating and controlling him, or that he'll be single forever?

Your best move is to maintain a good relationship with both dad and sister, and to stay out of their choices as adults. If you're going to do anything, encourage your dad to go to therapy. He'll be more receptive to hearing that from you than your sister will be, after the things you've said to her. And if he goes to therapy, he'll be in a better place to make decisions for everyone, and perhaps you can stop feeling the urge to micromanage things, and trust that he knows what he's doing.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is  u/AITAaccnt

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Status: Concluded

Trigger Warning: >!Possible emotional manipulation !<

Mood Spoiler: >!Relieved!<

Original - January 10th 2026

Hello, I wanted to ask about something that has caused friction between my wife and I. We have two daughters, aged 14 and 7. We immigrated from my home country when my oldest was 1.

Last year my cousin's son moved here from our home country for his undergrad. He had spent the first few months in a university dorm studying. He was supposed to have secured a co-op (internship) during that time for the winter. However, due to the terrible job market he hasn't of yet (he's still applying I can see him on his laptop trying), in fact he told me many students in his class are in this position.

I was very close to my cousin growing up. We were the youngest two amongst all the other cousins so naturally we were very close. Before the holidays when she explained his predicament to me and asked if he could stay with us, I had said yes. My wife was on board with it too at the time. He's a very respectful kid, keeps to himself, I get the feeling he tries to make himself scarce which I've asked him not to. And it had been going fine.

He's into his third week over here and the job hunt hasn't yielded results. Last night my wife asked what we were going to do about him. I said we'll support him till he secures a co-op and she said I need to start showing him rentals and setting some sort of deadline. I told her that was a cruel thing to suggest, he's in a new city, he's struggling to get a co-op which means his finances are stretched thin as it is, and that we had both agreed to this when my cousin had first asked. That disrupting him while he's on the job hunt would simply hurt his chances of getting one. She seemed stung on that and said I need to think of the fact I have a 14 year old daughter in the house, I got a bit heated too and said that he keeps to himself, is respectful, and she was just creating reasons when there weren't one. She's been cold with me all day today. I'm trying to do the best for everyone here. AITA?

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

Info: Was she “on board with” him moving in? Or did she acquiesce after you had already told him he could?

OP:

Yes she was. I had brought it up witn her and we agreed to host him while he gets a co-op internship

OP:

When we had talked, it was till he got an internship. We had thought that it would take a few weeks, but our understanding was that we would host him till he gets one.

OP:

he ideally would have gotten one while in school last semester and wouldn't have needed our help. But he didn't and then the holidays started and he's still looking for one that can start now uptill May when his school starts again. And until that happens we had agreed to help him by having him stay

Comment 2:

NTA, what does having a 14-year-old girl in the house have to do with anything? What would happen if you had a son living with you? Would she have the same worry? If the co-op market isn't there, what is he supposed to do? She agreed to it.

Did you have a timeline on when he had to be out before he moved in? If his money is stretched thin, I am assuming he helps out with bills at least a little. Does he help out around the house? I could maybe guess that she might be a little frustrated if he doesn't help out, which I can understand, but it sounds like she is more concerned about an older boy living so close to her daughter.

OP:

We had agreed to host him till he gets his co-op. I think she might have under estimated how bad the market is right now.

He does his dishes after eating or at least volunteers to (we just tell him to leave it usually), and makes his bed in the morning.

Comment 3:

INFO is the nephew legally allowed to work while he’s in whatever country you’re in?. How does your wife expect him to pay rent if she wants him to move out? Has your nephew done anything remotely inappropriate towards your daughter? If she’s just saying he needs to move out because no man should be trusted around a 14-year-old girl then she’s TA.

OP:

Yes, he's allowed to work, it's part of his school program. He hasn't done anything remotely inappropriate, no.

Comment 4:

Isn’t he going back to school after break? Can’t he go back to the dorm? Or talk to the school about other housing options?

OP:

He'll be going back to school in May.

Update: - February 10th 2026

Thanks for the advice in my original post. When I had taken my daughters out with me one day I did ask them if either of them had any issues with my nephew staying. They both said no. I relayed this to my wife who still insisted that this couldn't last till May (which is when he goes back to school) and that it was affecting our daughters.

I pulled as many strings as I could and contacted people I know and sent my resume to them but the job market is really bad. Fortunately though he was able to land one, it wasn’t part of the program he's studying per se, but he was able to get it approved and said that he fortunately has just about enough weeks to have it counted towards his school credentials. He started last week and I helped him move out. They required first and last months rent, so I helped him out and he'll pay me back when he gets paid. I've told him theres no rush, to pay me back whenever he can.

My wife's glad that he was able to secure a co-op too. To her credit, she hasn't let her feelings show in her interactions with him, she was polite to him when he was leaving too. Thanks.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

This comment section is not it. Indefinitely housing the nephew was never the plan. OP went behind his wife’s back and said that his nephew, who does nothing around the house to help out, can stay for longer. He is the asshole. He blindsided his wife and now she has to live with the consequences he has made for her. Without asking or running it by her.

Comment 2:

NTA

Glad it worked out

But remember that’s your wife’s home too. It has to be 2 for a yes.

It doesn’t sound like you had a clear agreement about how long your nephew could stay

Your first and number one responsibility is to your wife and daughters

This is your cousins son - not even really a nephew. Just a guess, did you really want a son ?

Where were the rest of the boys family ? Why didn’t his parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts and uncles, cousins - help ?

Why did you let it all fall on you ?

You wanted to help your cousins son and it’s commendable and kind. But I think you got carried away

Comment 3:

Even with the daughters saying there was no issue, sounds like mom saw something concerning. You should have more faith in your wife's instincts and put her first over birth family.

Daughters don't always open up to Dad like they do with mom.

Glad it worked out for you.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Virgo514 

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Previous BORUs

#1 by LucyAriaRose

#2 by u/insafian

#3 by LucyAriaRose

#4 by u/insafian

Status: Concluded

Trigger Warning: >!Emotional Neglect!<

Mood Spoiler: >!optimistic!<

Original (AITA for telling my husband he works for himself not for our family) - Jan 19th 2024

My husband and I have known each other for 6 years and been married for almost 3 years now. We have a one year old, and we're expecting another baby. Our marriage has been full of emotional highs, we love each other and let the other know regularly.

My husband has a 9 - 5 job after which he is also a tutor. He had started this back when we were in college, and it was never an issue, he always had enough time. Even in the years leading up to the marriage and the first year of our marriage, this was never a big issue. However, in the last year or so it's become a big issue, and it's getting worse. He keeps on adding more classes to his schedule. Until last month we had a red line that no classes on Sunday, he would devote that entire time to us. But last month he even added a class on Sunday on the excuse that exams are starting. It started to feel like me and my son weren't a priority to him anymore. Some days he comes home at 11. On other days he's doing it online but that's not much better because he still can't give us any time.

Last Sunday, I finally spoke out and told him he was neglecting his family. He was offended and told me that he doesn't enjoy having to work so hard but he's doing it for our family. This is where I told him that no, I think he does enjoy it, it gives him an excuse to not spend time with us, and that he was doing this for himself not for us. As things currently stand, our collective income is more than enough, there really was no need for him to add more classes on top of his existing ones, he's doing it for himself at this point. He's literally busy Monday - Saturday and now he's trying to cross the red line we established for Sunday.

We've been on bad terms since this fight. He keeps saying he can't believe that I said he works for himself not for us. AITA here?

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1 ( downvoted):
It’s going to be hard and you’re going to have to grit your teeth through it, but if he is working all the time to support his family. Love the man and cherish the little time you get with him. He’s grinding to support yall. 

Would you rather you spend all the time in the world together and living in squalor or on the streets? Please support him while he supports his family. Hell have you told him you’re proud of him working so hard? 

OP:
I have a 9 -5 job too, and like I said our collective income covers our expenses and then some. If that weren't the case ofcourse I wouldn't be angry, I would understand. But given the situation, the fact that he took away the one day we get together just because "it's exam season" really got to me.

I also want to make clear I absolutely appreciate how he provides for us to give us a great standard of living. And I've told him this many times. But now it feels like he's adding more work to disengage.

Comment 2:
Info: Did he grow up lower income? His father may have worked himself to the bone to keep them above water. So it may be all he knows.

OP:
No, both his parents are doctors. That was certainly not the case.

Comment 3:
INFO: I see where you’re coming from but I gotta ask - you sound like you feel secure about your financial situation. But does he? You’re expecting another kid. You have a 1-year old with another on the way. I don’t know where you’re based, but certain regions are more expensive than others for families to live in. Based on just that information alone, there could be plenty of thought put behind whether or not you guys have the financial stability for the future. You clearly think so, but does your husband? Have you ever had that conversation with him, fruitfully, honestly, about the objective truth of your financial stability AND his and your thoughts on it?

OP:
Yes, we had that discussion before. We talked about how since we're already comfortable, there shouldn't be any need to have a class on Sunday. In fact at the time, I also thought he should cut down on his existing classes but relented on the Sunday agreement.

I didn't think the numbers were important, but a lot of comments (not you) seem to doubt my judgement that we're stable. I'm an accountant who makes $70k/year. My husband is a software engineer who makes around over $100k. And based on how many students he teaches and how many classes he has, he makes over $100k from that. Our household income covers our expenses. I'm an accountant, this is kind of my bread and butter.

Update 1 - Jan 20th 2024

Thank you for the feedback in the last post. The comments said that me asking him to adhere to the boundaries we established was reasonable. Some comments also suggested that I should not have implied that he works just to get away, so I was a little apologetic as well. After he came back I decided to talk to him about this.

The conversation was a bit of a trainwreck. I brought up the fact that our income far exceeds ur current and projected expenses. That me and our son were missing him, and needed him to spend more time with us, and I made sure to stress that I appreciated all that he did. It just seemed like we were on completely different wavelengths. He said he kept on taking more lessons and students because he wanted us to have a good standard of living, have better vacations, better schools, a second house. I was dumbfounded. I never knew he felt that way. I stressed our current standard of living was great, we make enough money, and that if he thinks that way there's no end in sight. What if he decided we should also have a third house or something? Right now I needed him with me.

At this point, I kind of lost control and started crying. I didn't mean to, it wasn't something I wanted to do to pressure him or anything, just the fact that we were at an impasse was wrecking me. I told him I'd been feeling unhappy, that I kept compromising and he reneged on it. After some more crying and consoling, my husband agreed that Sunday should have remained off-limits. He gently asked me to give him a pass for one more Sunday, because his students exams end next week, and he would make Sunday untouchable the following semester onwards. He also promised to try to resize his classes in order to be able to come back home for dinner even if it's late dinner. He asked for time to do all this. I've given it to him and I know he loves us enough to do what he promised. Thanks for the feedback to the original post.

Relevant Comments

Comment 1:
You need to tell him that he needs to get right with his family and you right now. Or he might be living in that third house alone. Play him "Cat's in the Cradle" as background music.

OP:
I would like the changes to happen immediately but I want those changes to be permanent. If he does something at a snap right now but has to go back that would suck. So I'm just giving him the time to make those sustainable changes. I'm getting our Sunday back after the next one which is progress. At least we're back to the red line. He said he'd already booked a lot of classes for the next semester, so he just asked for time to discuss and rearrange them since he can't just say no to his students after agreeing. He was earnest, I believe I made it known to him the toll its been taking on me, and he will make the necessary changes.

Comment 2:
OP. You did a good job and took an important first step. I think it would be unrealistic for him to do a complete 180 after this conversation, and this is a necessary stepping stone. I’m usually very negative about relationships, but it disheartened me to see all the top comments being so negative when you took the time to update us and you didn’t need to. I hope things continue to improve for you

OP:
Thank you. I had thought I did good, and then found out a lot of people here disagreed, so I started doubting how I did. I appreciate what everyone is saying, but he's a loving husband, friend, and father, it's just this one issue that's just gotten out of hand, I cant think of packing my bags. I believe he was neglecting us, but during the conversation realized he didn't know the extent to which it was affecting us. The classes issue has been getting bigger and bigger over time, so I realize fixing it will require some time, I'm just going to make sure I see him do it.

Comment 3: Have you guys considered hiring a maid/nanny to help with household duties? If your making enough money it could be worth the investment to reduce your burden

OP: Ya, that came up in the conversation and I'm looking into it. My job is wfh two days of the week so that helps, and my mom lives close by which is super helpful too. Most days I manage the household and child rearing without any issues. Like it's not like I plan to give him a list of errands to run on the days he's in the house, but him just being physically present is something I'm missing now, and he's promised to remedy it as well he can.

Comment 4:
The biggest problem I see is that his self-worth is being validated by his students and classes - more than by his own family. He likes how teaching makes him feel, and he doesn't get the same validation from being just a husband and father. So, he will continue to prefer working as much as he can. And it's a double whammy because he justifies the extra work is for his family, so he feels doubly validated for doing "good" things.

OP:
Your comment stayed with me for some reason, and I kept coming back to it. I asked him yesterday if he enjoyed teaching Physics and Math for hours on end, that he works so long how does he not start hating it. (I didn't bring up the topic of reduced hours or Sunday because we already have an agreement on that for now). He said he does like it. After some more inconspicuous needling he told me he enjoys the fact that so many people trust that he can make them understand stuff and better their grades/future. I didn't go further into it. But your comment really helped give me some insight. Thank you so much.

Update 2 - March 11th 2025

Around a year ago I had been having issues with my husband regarding his tutoring schedule and had come here to know if I was in the wrong. A few people had asked me to let them know if things improve or continue to deteriorate.

We're in a better place now. We've been blessed with a daughter now too. He has become better at handling his workload and tutors primarily online now. I know I had said at the time that that's not much better but it really is. Sundays have become sacrosanct again(with very rare exceptions that he asks my approval for in advance), and Wednesdays are free now too. He does more group tutoring now and so gets done by 8 30 most days too. He also got a new day job which is entirely wfh, which has made things much better because he isn't so burnt out anymore. In the weeks following up to my daughters arrival, he'd been by my side(especially since she arrived during the summer when school is out).I also took some advice from here and hired help to ease the burden which has worked out really well.

I've also learned to embrace the fact that his tutoring gives him joy which maybe his software development job doesn't. He seems to be proud when his students get into good universities, and that it results in even more students. He still claims to do it for purely financial reasons but I know that can't be completely true, because our financial needs really do not require it. So it must be something he enjoys. So I've become more understanding on that front too. I have had to put my foot down a few times though especially in the initial days following our conversation to make sure he understands that I was serious about needing his presence more. I had also confided in his older sister about this issue (which he was NOT happy about at the time and was probably an accidental AH move on my end) but it helped. They had an argument, she straight up told him he was either going to end up working his way into an early grave at the age of 30 or ending up divorced, which helped.

Full disclosure the only time we ever really argue is still about this when I'll want him to be free but he won't be. But it's rare and overall we've come up with a good balance that seems to be working for us. Thank you.

Relevant Comments

Comment 1:
This is so sad. Imagine having to go through all of this to force your spouse to spend time with you and your kid.

It's sad that your idea of "better" is still him barely being around except for one full day a week.

At the end of the day, if the choice was up to him, he would rather spend time tutoring than with you and his own child. That's because he's not doing it for money like he said. He doing it so he doesn't have to be around you guys.

It's so sad that you've accepted it.

Comment 2:
It sounds as if the situation is still sort of a "work in progress," but is getting more positive for both of you and resentment isn't growing on either side. That's good, and congratulations on your daughter.

New post by OP (AITA for telling my husband I'll go on vacation with the kids and my best friend if he's too busy with work) - November 5th 2025

My husband and I have been married for over 4 years. Our son is 3 and our daughter is 16 months old. My husband has a busy schedule, due to both his day job and his business after that and on Saturdays (and sometimes if I'm ok with it, Sundays).

We had planned to go to Spain at the end of December for a couple of weeks. Like we've bought tickets, booked a hotel, talked about how we'll spend our two weeks there. Last weekend he asked if we could postpone our trip to the end of June. Like a literal six months after we're supposed to go. I said no, it was so unfair that he was pulling this at the last minute. He asked me to understand that his business required him to suddenly change his plans, that it was important, that hed been looking forward to this down time as much as I had.

To provide more context this isnt the first time this has been an issue. His business hours had been an issue over the past 2 to 3 years. He'd made changes and organized his hours better and his job had become wfh too, so we had struck a balance that I could be ok with. But his business hours again started infringing on our family time, and he'd been promoted to a managerial role at his day job so he was now going in to work on some days too.

I told him I'd been looking forward to this for so long, counting days till our vacation. I told him I'll be going regardless whether he wants to come or not, and if he doesnt want to come we can get a refund and my best friend can go in his place. Admittedly I was just lashing out I have no idea of the logistics of it.

Yesterday I asked him again what his plan was. He tried to show me messages from his clients to show how busy he was during that period, I told him I don't care. He gave me his word. According to him I'm being unreasonable. I wanted to know AITA here. Also, I dont even know if its logistically feasible and I dont want it to come to it, but would I be the AH if I actually went on vacation and took my best friend along?

Relevant Comments

Comment 1:
INFO: what’s the financial situation? Does he need to be working a second job, and does he really need to please this client this much?

OP:
Our financial situation is well in the green. Tending to These clients during those two weeks won't make or break us.

Comment 2:
He needs to either set the boundary with his clients that he won’t be available those 2 weeks, or do the work remotely from Spain. His business is tutoring students, if he lets them know now, he can plan what’s he’s tutoring them on to get them ready for exams before he goes away. Definitely hold your ground on this. From your previous posts he has a real issue with over-working and not prioritising family. It’s like he feels like he’s failing if he relaxes - and that’s not good for his health long-term, or his marriage.

OP:
Thanks. I agree and maybe thats the compromise I can go with. That he can do it online from there. Its not ideal, I'm not wild about him doing his classes while we're on vacation but at least we'll be together. I'll think about it.

Also, I just realized my profile was available for people to see my previous posts. It sounds wrong but I was trying to keep the business vague rather than mention that its his tutoring business because when that gets mentioned, everyone becomes a lot more sympathetic about the work. But its not a charity he's running, its his business.

Comment 3:

The tutoring thing makes him look worse, honestly. He could easily have told his students he's not going to be available those weeks months ago. And that's even before I peaked your profile and saw you were the one who posted previously about what a workaholic your husband is. If you do delay the vacation, you know he's just going to cancel again, right? He's addicted to working and this is never going to end.

OP:

I'm surprised and honestly relieved that his business being tutoring isn't clouding people's judgement. It definitely does irl. If I ever in passing talk about how busy he is, everyone, including my own mom lol, is like yeah it sucks but also look at how many students future he's securing. At this point I just honestly want to reply with what about our kids. My kids get his undivided attention less than other people's kids. I know it sounds horrible lol

Comment 4:
Knowing what the business is actually makes me more sympathetic about you. It’s not like he’s a contractor and that maybe something unexpected happened and X project got delayed and suddenly he needs the time. If he’s tutoring students, then LITERALLY HE CHOOSES HOW TO FILL HIS AGENDA.

A responsible father/husband would block his agenda for those vacation days, make plans with the students, and would be very clear with his boundaries. Unfortunately, your family is not a priority for him, and doesn’t know how (or doesn’t want to) make you guys a priority.

And besides that, Spain in June is full summer, and the heat is reaaaaaally strong. December yes, it’s winter, but depending where you’re going, it would be a better weather.

Finally, I would bet ANYTHING that if you agreed, you would be having this same conversation in May.

NTA, go on that trip OP and have a great time with your kids.

OP:
Exactly, I know Spain is going to be so hot in the summer, thats why I don't want to delay it. We had planned on being outside and going places and walking in the heat with out kids doesn't sound like fun.

He knows he has to make us a priority and he'd been trying to juggle it well, and doing well with it too. But his classes just get more filled up every semester. I handle the finances so I can see it. I've made the case to him that he should just cap it now but that doesn't go anywhere. And then his new role at his software job also messed up the balance we had.

Comment 5:

Girl, girl. I remember your previous posts now! You are so NTA. Your husband is pulling this crap again??

He literally sets his own schedule. He scheduled these students KNOWING you already had a vacation planned. What is the deal?

He’s not the most important tutor in the world. These kids can find another tutor if he’s full.

If this was totally unexpected or he was like the only doctor in the world who could perform a lifesaving surgery during that week I would feel a little more sympathy.

But he’s literally doing this to himself. And he’s doing it to you. I’m so mad for you.

When is he going to start prioritizing his family?? I mean seriously if you go to Spain by yourself is that really all that different from the life you’re living right now when he’s working all the time?!

OP:

I'm going to bring up the idea of him doing his classes while in Spain (with boundaries). Its not ideal but it should work. I've been really looking forward to this family vacation, so this way we'll get to have that.

Comment 6:
That may be a fix for now but boundaries don’t work when your husband continues to blow thru through them and faces no consequences.

If you divorced right now and your husband had 50/50 custody we would see his kids more. Is this really how you want to continue living?

If you’re fine with how things are right now then that’s fine. But it doesn’t seem like you are happy. Because this keeps coming up again and again. And he continues to not listen to you and then he complains about problems that he created.

This vacation is now an issue between the two of you because he knowingly scheduled people during the vacation time. He had complete control over this situation and scheduled students anyway.

He can’t say no to his students. But he has no problem saying no to you and making you comprise and clean up his mess again and again and again. Are you really okay with that?

OP:
No, I'm not. I would like him to dedicate more of his time to us. And he did make things better but things got out of hand again. Hes a good and loving husband and father otherwise, its just this one issue, and it is what it is ig. But pulling the rug out at the last minute is unacceptable and thats why I dont think I should postpone the vacation. I'm going to push for him doing it online from there, I think that'll be a good compromise.

Comment 7:
INFO

Does he provide all of the income for the household?

How old is his business?

Did he breakdown the difficulties he would be facing with you in pursuing a new business when you married or when he started it?

Is he eventually hoping to turn his business into his full time profession? What is the goal in it?

I ask these questions because it really does determine if he is a AH or not. My business is less then three years old and often a new business can require a lot of work. Like A LOT. Vacations changing is like one of the most common changes a business owner needs to face. I spoke with my husband before pursuing. Did he speak with you?

OP:
No, I also work. I'm an accountant and I have wfh half the week so like on a 2-3 basis. Our income distribution is roughly 75 - 25.

His business is about 7-8 years old now. He started it in college. And the workload wasnt a problem until a few years ago.

I have suggested he make the business his sole work, especially since we'd be comfortable without his day job too. His reasoning has been that because his business hours kind of don't align with a 9-5, he wouldn't be making use of those hours anyway although I have told him that him doing nothing would be the goal.

Comment 8 (downvoted):
Dont make threats or it will harm your marraige. Not enough info here. Do you.work? Are you a trophy wife? Do you provide any financial support to household or does his business pay the bills. As a man he is doing his best to make the business a success and maintain a clientel to give you the life you and he think your family deserves. Support him.

We do not know if your best freind is guy or girl as that matters. If my wife did what you suggested you would do and it was a man the next conversation we would be having is about divorce and custody arraingments.

OP:
Yes I work. And I'm proud of what he's accomplished. But I also want him to be creating these memories with me and our kids. If I thought him forgoing the clients for those two weeks would be critically harmful I wouldn't push him. But we've long passed the point of being fine financially. And I just feel these other aspects of our family life need more attention.

My best friend is a girl. She's been my best friend since we were in school.

Update 4 - November 9th 2025

Hi, thanks a lot for the feedback on my first post. I had decided to suggest he do his tutoring classes online while we were in Spain as a compromise and thats what I was planning on doing.

My husband caught a cold on Thursday though and had been really down and out the last couple of days. He had taken these two days off work (from his day job). Despite my insistence that he rest, he tried to do his tutoring class as scheduled but literally couldn't get through it and canceled those as well. I didn't want to have the conversation while he was this sick so I postponed it. It was great (maybe not the best choice of words as a wife talking about my husband getting sick lol) to kind of just have him do nothing for these two days. He spent time with me and the kids, a few of his friends and some mutual friends of ours also came to our place to see him because they rarely see him outside of important occasions.

Last night I brought up the vacation again. He agreed without too much resistance. He said he'll move around some classes or take them in advance but either way he'll be with us for the vacation. I thanked him and also told him he needs to take it easy its clearly affecting his health. He was like him being sick isn't because of the work its because of the change in weather. I did bring up that we had had an agreement earlier and that he'd kept to it for a while and we'd really struck a good balance but things are back to the way they were prior to that. He said he always asked me before filling up Sundays, and that is true tbf, its just, there's only so many times I can say no. He also mentioned how two people he knows have recently been laid off, that times are bad economically. I told him I don't see why that has to affect him, we're doing well financially, we have more than enough savings, our careers are good, he has a business that has been growing every year, we're secure where we are. He said he was too sick to talk about this, and that right now our kids are young, they need less of him, that his classes are important because students and parents come to him after having heard of him, and that its important for them to get into good universities. I told him our son is old enough that he now wants to spend time with him, and that I can compromise on my needs and wants but not our kids'. He got the point I was trying to make and said that he'll make the necessary changes.

I'm glad our vacation is back on track! I'd really been looking forward to this as a family. Also, I'm glad I told him how he'd been reneging on the balance we'd established earlier and he'll be going back to it. He did do it last time so I'm confident he'll do it again, we both just have to work to make sure we keep it in place. Thanks a lot.

Comment 1:
Glad the vacation is happening (supposedly) but he’s full of crap. He’s made his priorities clear. Young kids need their parents more!

Comment 2:
As soon as you mentioned Sundays I remembered your older posts. I'm glad that the vacation is back on, but honestly your husband needs some sort of Cats in the Cradle, three ghosts visiting him wake up call. He really only stayed with your previous deal for a short amount of time.

I wish I knew some way to get through to him, but I think that's going to be very hard. I'm sorry, I don't think he is going to get better with his time management and it will always be on you to nag him.

If he really doesn't get better, I think in the futre you should just book any vacation you want and if he comes or not that's on him. He needs his eyes opened

Enjoy your vacation and I hope you have great family memories!

OP:
He did get better with it a while back when I had seriously brought it up with him. This was when I was pregnant with my daughter. He just slipped back lately, and the new role in his day job also messed with the balance a bit. I think this vacation will be a good reset.

Update 5 - January 8th 2026

Hi, a few people were kind enough to keep me in their thoughts and wanted to know how our vacation went (if it did at all).So my husband did keep to his word and we had a really good time in Spain (and Portugal too), and he didn't do any classes while we were there. So lately he'd been frequently running fevers and not been well.I'd brought up that his workload was catching up to him, he denied it, we ended up going to our family doctor. His blood pressure had come out 150/110 She asked us questions and also asked him if his day-to-day involved stress and he said no. I was actually stunned when he said that. I unloaded and told her exactly what his schedule looks like. She made it clear that with his family's history of high blood pressure and his workload he was shaving years off his life, and messing up his immunity too.That was my breaking point. I told him I loved him to bits, if anything happened to him I'd be devastated, crazy with grief but I would summon the strength to live. But I will not let him deprive our kids of their father by working himself to death. That I had given him enough chances and he was taking advantage of my love for him by reneging on our established boundaries, if I had to disrupt his late night classes myself I would. He told me to give him time, we had an argument because I was having deja vu of previous conversations. I gave him a week to do what he needed to.He managed to make some really meaningful changes. It was stuff I'd been suggesting for so long but he'd been resisting and not listening to me, I think he thought if he combined into larger groups than he already had, he'd receive some pushback. Well not a single student left nor any parent complained after he did it. He's since managed to have Wednesdays and Sundays completely free, Mondays, Fridays and Saturdays are reasonable, only Tuesdays and Thursdays are bad.

We had a great vacation, he was fully present, and it was the kind of vacation that I had wanted, one where we could decompress. When we were flying back I asked him if he'd had fun, he kind of laughed and said that he's not our kids that I had to check up on him. I told him its not that, I was really happy with the way he'd kept to our established boundaries and I know its a change for him. And that we were both going to make sure we keep those boundaries intact.

I know its just a step in the right direction but I am hopeful we can maintain this. I'm also going to be more forceful about this. I don't care if people around us think I'm holding him back or if these boundaries mean some kids don't get the help from him they need, I will not sacrifice my kids happiness for them. Thanks a lot for all the help and advice.

Relevant Comments

Comment 1:
I'm glad the vacation was great (and actually happened)! Sucks his health is actually in trouble and we can hope this is the wakeup call he needs but god, you had to mom him and tell the doctor his likely cause of stress. That's not a good look for him.

Is he like actively parenting your kids or is he just the family friend/grandparent who pops in to "help" you. Could he take care of the kids if you got in an accident and knows what they like/dislike as well as any allergies or would you need to call in external help to take care of them for him? When is he planning on cutting back so he can spend time with them does he even have a time frame or is it just a nebulous promise?

Like I'm glad he's making changes...again, but his schedule isn't fair to you or the kids. His lack of time lines or concrete goals means he'll always have some excuse. And idk if anyone ever said but be firm on not getting a second house. What's even the point of one if he almost bailed on a simple vacation? It's something you'll have to maintain on top of everything else be it hiring cleaners/yard work or renting it or both, and it'll just be another excuse to work longer and keep pushing back the date he'll step up and actually father his children.

OP:

Since he's changed his schedule and consolidated classes he has been more involved. He plays basketball with our son now in the backyard (we'd had an adjustable hoop put in which is now finally being used) , he is spending time with our daughter too. The new changes have helped.

We have a nanny that comes in and a cleaner too so that helps with the chores. I deliberately don't give him like chores or errands tbh because he's still adjusting, even when he asks if there are any. Really all I want him to do is be in the living room with us, go out with us, and just be present with us which he's doing a lot more of now.

Comment 2:

I think you need to establish a rule that he's no longer even allowed to ask if he can tutor on Sundays. It's not fair to be making you the bad guy who has to say no, and if he was serious about this, he wouldn't be asking in the first place.

OP:

If he asks I will say no now. But thats a good point about even the question being off limits. I'll think about that!

Comment 3:

I'm happy that you got your vacation! Hopefully your husband gets more tests done to narrow down his health issue. The part where you have to veto his "extra work" makes me narrow my eyes a bit. He's making you the bad guy instead of holding himself accountable.

OP:

At this point honestly I'm ok with being the bad guy. I won't let him do what he was doing. I won't let him deprive my kids of their father by working himself to a grave. If it seems like I'm becoming overbearing or "mothering" him, I'm ok with being seen that way now.

Comment 4:

Sorry if this is rude.... but are you not at the same point as a year ago? Nothing really changed. Like..at all its the same update as before. He'll go back to the same stuff, and then you'll be back here. And then you'll update again that you finally found a workaround! And he's free on Wednesday and Sunday!! Then you'll ne back again saying he broke his word again...rinse and repeat.

Again, I'm sorry if this is rude. But nothing is gonna change. He's just going to wait to do the same bs. I'm saying this as this man's daughter. My dad worked like that for most of my life and is trying now to build a relationship with me. I love him, but it's weird.

You are being naive. You have to be strong, or that's gonna be your life. Forever. Really. It does not get better if you don't grow a spine.

OP:

I won't let us go back. Not when going back is affecting his health and by extension our kids. When I said I would disrupt his late night classes, I really meant it at the time.

Update 6 [Final Update] - May 19th 2026

Hi! I thought I'd give an update. It was actually because this weekend my mom was over and had remarked that I look a lot less stressed and that we seem to be all doing much better. I felt pretty happy about that, if a third person can see some improvement we must be doing something right!

I'd been a lot firmer with my husband since his health scare. I'd told him that I'd had two kids with him with the knowledge that they'll have their father and there was no way I was going to let them be deprived of one. He too has been taking organization of his hours more seriously.

I've helped him in handling his schedule and sometimes dealing with students/parents. He almost exclusively does group classes now, I've set it up so his classes end at 7 30 pm on weekdays, and sundays are totally free. Once or twice every couple of weeks there'll be a late weekday but they're sometimes required according to him (he says since its group classes he keeps pace with the school thats going the fastest which means he sometimes has to do an extra class with those students who were behind in school compared to his). Its fine though, its not that often.

He was more reluctant to let me handle some of his communication with parents and students. Honestly, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but some parents can be extremely entitled, like they keep insisting on extra attention or 1-1 classes, act like just offering to pay more will get them whatever. My husband and I talked about it, I told him hardly anyone would leave, if theyre coming off of reputation they won't, and not a single one has.

Based on the doctor's instructions we've been diligently tracking his BP. Its still worrisome, especially with his family history. Its better like 140/85 most recently, so its still worrisome but I'm hoping these changes, less stress, better sleep schedule helps.

Because he's free after at latest 7 30, and all of sunday, he's spending a lot more time with me and our kids. I'm really glad we were able to get to a better place while my daughter is still an infant. I do feel very guilty and feel like I failed our son a bit because he didn't get that time when he was her age, but he's getting it now and I hope that can continue and not change now. Like I think I've said this before too, I don't need to give him chores around the house, all that is fine, really all I needed was him to be present for us like a normal family and I think we've done a good job in that regard of late. Thank you to everyone who helped, some comments stung last time, but maybe I needed that to stop letting things slide so thanks.

Relevant Comments

Comment 1:

Parents can be truly entitled, and they don't stop (I work with college students)!

Glad he's doing better, though 140/85 isn't fantastic, it's still an improvement and a win for you both.

It really sounds as though your entire family is on the right track--hope it stays that way! 💖

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

My girlfriend and I finally watched the movies this weekend (I'd seen them and read the books) , it was her first real intro into the HP universe. At some point I noticed her best reactions were to plot events that came straight from the book faithfully.

And this includes expositional stuff too. She lost her mind at "curiously long life for a garden rat" and that Scabbers had a toe missing in POA. At Lucius Malfoy being in the inner circle in the rebirth scene. The 7 potters scene. Harry's wand acting of its own accord. The way the locket tried to strangle harry when the sword was close by and it trying to psychologically ruin Ron. The concept of everything in Bellatrix's vault multiplying to crush them to death, amongst others.

Voldemort's disintegration/death scene OTOH elicited a meh reaction in comparison.

It just made me wish there could've been the whole Harry/Voldemort conversation that the books had. And so much other stuff that got missed. I think if the show is true to source it should be amazing.