u/itz_tamara74

I’ve recently have analyzed myself because of recent events and overall just analyzing how my actions a bit more than I did before. But I’ve started to realise I don’t really care about anything or anyone and yes that includes myself.

I care about other people to an extent but on a logical standpoint more than anything. When people around me get emotional or are going through a hard time a part of me feels bad for them because they’re my friend or family member but especially when people cry it makes me uncomfortable and I just want it to stop because it’s annoying. Listening to others is almost a bore unless it affects me in someway.

I realise I probably sound like a shitty person which is why I don’t really tell people. But it came to me really realizing I was masking concern or empathy when I really couldn’t care less most of the time and just am indifferent to everything. And my family have repeatedly over the years have told me I don’t care about them and only care about myself, and now I’m starting to think they might be onto something. I do care because they are my family and I care for them in my own way but at the same time could care less because it’s all annoying and bothersome and I don’t wanna be apart of it and just stay in my bubble.

I also realized I have a lot in common with a friend of mine who has aspd, we bond over similar traits and feelings and he himself was like “you need to work on your cognitive empathy” that’s when I knew I was cooked 💀 I’m not the best at masking how I feel anymore because I just stopped caring but I still try because I know it will make me seem like a bad person and I’ll lose everyone in my life because I am aware I’m a terrible person to be around.

I’ve had these traits since I was a child, it used to be worse back then of course because I was going through abuse and didn’t have treatment or medication. I was aggressive towards people at school when they bothered me and also because I was being bullied, constantly had violent fantasies, was manipulative and deceitful, homicidal and suicidal, would find pleasure in luring ants on the ground with small food and crush them and make graves for them because I thought it was funny, and had a short shoplifting addiction because I just wanted to feel something other than boredom and emptiness.

My therapist asked me to really analyze myself and see who I am because I’m conflicted upon my apathy and the image I made even myself believe on being an empathetic person because I feel like I am but only when I need to be or if it’s logically really fucked up. But if someone starts talking to me about something stupid and they’re crying over it all I can think about is how I want them to shut up.

I don’t know who I am because it seems I didn’t only trick others but myself as well, or maybe I’m tricking myself again… who knows? If anyone reads this, what do you take from all of this? Cus I sure as hell don’t fucking know.

I’ve recently have analyzed myself because of recent events and overall just analyzing how my actions a bit more than I did before. But I’ve started to realise I don’t really care about anything or anyone and yes that includes myself.

I care about other people to an extent but on a logical standpoint more than anything. When people around me get emotional or are going through a hard time a part of me feels bad for them because they’re my friend or family member but especially when people cry it makes me uncomfortable and I just want it to stop because it’s annoying. Listening to others is almost a bore unless it affects me in someway.

I realise I probably sound like a shitty person which is why I don’t really tell people. But it came to me really realizing I was masking concern or empathy when I really couldn’t care less most of the time and just am indifferent to everything. And my family have repeatedly over the years have told me I don’t care about them and only care about myself, and now I’m starting to think they might be onto something. I do care because they are my family and I care for them in my own way but at the same time could care less because it’s all annoying and bothersome and I don’t wanna be apart of it and just stay in my bubble.

I also realized I have a lot in common with a friend of mine who has aspd, we bond over similar traits and feelings and he himself was like “you need to work on your cognitive empathy” that’s when I knew I was cooked 💀 I’m not the best at masking how I feel anymore because I just stopped caring but I still try because I know it will make me seem like a bad person and I’ll lose everyone in my life because I am aware I’m a terrible person to be around.

I’ve had these traits since I was a child, it used to be worse back then of course because I was going through abuse and didn’t have treatment or medication. I was aggressive towards people at school when they bothered me and also because I was being bullied, constantly had violent fantasies, was manipulative and deceitful, homicidal and suicidal, would find pleasure in luring ants on the ground with small food and crush them and make graves for them because I thought it was funny, and had a short shoplifting addiction because I just wanted to feel something other than boredom and emptiness.

My therapist asked me to really analyze myself and see who I am because I’m conflicted upon my apathy and the image I made even myself believe on being an empathetic person because I feel like I am but only when I need to be or if it’s logically really fucked up. But if someone starts talking to me about something stupid and they’re crying over it all I can think about is how I want them to shut up.

I don’t know who I am because it seems I didn’t only trick others but myself as well, or maybe I’m tricking myself again… who knows? If anyone reads this, what do you take from all of this? Cus I sure as hell don’t fucking know.

I 21(NB) and him 21(M) have been friends since middle school but we stopped being friends for a couple of years because he was being groomed by someone who didn’t like me and made him cut me off. But that’s besides the point. Me and him reunited for me 20th birthday when he messaged me on instagram telling me happy birthday and apologized and stuff and we became friends it was all cool. And overall our friendship was nice and I enjoyed it while it lasted.

Although I have a long history of mental illness. I developed my issues when I was around 11 years old and my current diagnosis is schizoaffective depressive type, ptsd, bpd, and anxiety. He knew this and I told him all about it and he seemed to be understanding. Although I attempted to take my life in February of this year and it took him around 5 days to see me after the fact because he later told me he felt like he had to choose between me and this other friend of his who was dealing with friend drama because “she has no one” she has a husband? And proceeded to say “well you have your mom and your brother” yes I do, although my mom doesn’t understand any of my struggles and doesn’t make an effort to understand, and my brother is 10. I’m not saying he can’t have friends, I’m glad that he does, but if your gonna have multiple friends, you need to learn to balance them more, especially when one of them is struggling a lot and has no one to understand them.

He made it seem as if he could be a reliable friend and a shoulder to lean on when things got rough. And he did but not when I TRULY needed it most. It latched onto me and I felt abandoned like I usually do by a lot of people in my life, and I’m not saying I’m perfect, I make lots of mistakes and sometimes I don’t really know if I am a good person. But I try to give all I have to my friends because I care about them deeply, and while I may not have lots of money or means to do much cus I’m broke and don’t have a car, I try to always give my time because my love language in relationships whether it’s platonic or romantic is quality time because money can’t buy time, and it strengthens bonds.

But basically, fast forward to the 4th of July and he had recently been making more friends which again, I’m glad he is I think it’s great he has friends. But it had been the 4th day in a row that he had seen this one friend which is fine but I had told him I felt very alone and just not ok in general and I thought he understood, but I noticed he started getting more distant and I chose to ignore it, thinking I was being paranoid. But in reality I was right, people always leave me in the end because no one at the end of the day can begin to understand what it’s like to live as me, they all think I’m crazy. And shit I probably am but I’m trying my best to get better and I have been ever since we stopped being friends even when I cried non stop for hours because my best friend had betrayed and abandoned me or at least that’s what it felt like in the moment.

I realize I’m not perfect and I did accuse him of sleeping with his coworker who is in his 30’s because he had previously told me he saw some signs as if he was interested in my friend in a sexual manner and since he seemed to be prioritizing that friendship more than mine, I assumed they were sleeping together because a man who openly stares at someone’s ass who is very much younger than you in my opinion is disgusting. Thankfully I ended up being wrong but since he has a previous history of being groomed I decided to do a reading on him. Which I now know was wrong because a friend of mine from inpatient introduced me into tarot and made it seem as if it can have all the answers, so I thought since my schizophrenia and bpd doesn’t let me see the truth then maybe these cards can? But again I was wrong and I admit to that.

I called him out about how I was feeling and I came off more aggressive than intended. I felt especially hurt because well he didn’t know this but on the 4th of July I thought about finally ending it all because my symptoms got worse and so I didn’t talk to anyone for 2 days after seeing a friend I hadn’t seen in awhile to feel less alone even though that never goes away for some reason. I’ve been hallucinating again, I’m terrified and I feel alone and my brain constantly plays tricks on me and because of that it hurts even more knowing that one of the people I confided in a lot thinking he cared, never did. He did in ways, he helped me a lot and I’m grateful I really am. But when it comes to being there when shit hits the fan? Crickets.

He said I ghosted him when in reality I was unsure of what to say because in my head I thought that if he is getting groomed that I should just let him figure it out on his own but then a friend of mine said “you should warn him” and so I did but the threat never existed although I didn’t know that at the time. I decided to set aside my pride and frustration to warn him but instead ended up looking like a complete crazy dumbass. But you know what? Oh fucking well, I will come back stronger from this because if no one gives a fuck about me then I have to try and care about myself even though I hate my guts because I see myself as a failure.

I’ve been going to the ymca and working out almost everyday but these past 3 days I’ve fallen off of it because my schizophrenia symptoms have worsened again but basically I don’t know why I’m posting this here. Apart of me knows he might look at my Reddit because he posted me on his and his comments are filled with people mocking the way I speak and my illness but even if he doesn’t at least someone, even if it’s a stranger, hopefully understands where I’m coming from as I feel very alone.

Also sorry for all the text T-T

So for context I’m 21 now and I’ve had psychotic symptoms since I was around 10-11. Today I have my second appointment with this new psychiatrist I’m seeing for other mental health stuff. Although I am really scared because I struggle opening up about my psychosis because my symptoms are kind of embarrassing, not saying psychosis or schizophrenia is embarrassing but I personally find my issues embarrassing. I’m not diagnosed with schizophrenia but with the extensive research I have been conducting I’m almost certain that is it that or schizoaffective. I’m on meds for psychosis and other things and it has helped for the most part like I no longer hallucinate but I still experience paranoia and delusions. For example yesterday my brain tried convincing me I’m not real and that my body isn’t mine, that I’m an imposter and I don’t belong where I am. It was very scary and painful because I love my family and I want to stay with them. I didn’t call anyone because it also convinced me that no one cares about me and that I’m crazy and a failure. It’s hard living like this which is why I said enough is enough and that I need help. Like I’m grateful meds have made my thoughts a bit clearer but it also means my delusions still have their effect on me because I am able to think the through more. A part of me knows it’s not real but then my brain is working against me and is telling me it is and it makes me not know what is real or not. But basically how should I go about this? I’m scared about carrying a schizophrenia diagnosis for the rest of my life because of the stigma around it. I just wish I didn’t have to deal with all of this shit, I want it all to be over. This is not me asking for a diagnosis but simply guidance on how to go about my appointment today and simply some understanding since it feels as if the people in my life are scared and don’t understand.