u/jammy-rammy

my friend tried to attempt today and she thankfully survived and it brokemy heart into several different pieces. i've never had someone i truly care about pass and if she did i don't know what i would do to myself honestly. she and a few other people in my life are the sole reasons as to why i keep pushing. i dont want them to spiral because of me selfishly committing. i just cant believe she'd i just cant believe she would try that?? i dont know. her year this year have been pretty shit and its not my place to say but man

i know its pretty bad that i rely on other people to actually keep me in check but i just dont want to feel shattered like that. like evr. i can feel tears brimming in my eyes as i can just imagine how i'd have fely if she did pass. i wanted to wait for her after school, walk home and talk a little. i feel like if i did wait for her she wouldnt have done it it just feels like it wad my fault i tried offering to go out with her to maybe like a library or i just go over but she js wants to relax at her house so i might go over anyways holy shit bro how do i actually overcome this shes alive and well i just cant

its not really a vent more so of a rant. i'm also minor which i think is also necessary to mention. sorry for the typos

dont get me wrong i DO love my cousin to a certain extent but i really hate it here. she does a lot of things that tick me off, but i just cant bring it up simply because i dont want to deal with what comes up after.

for starters shes proudly homophobic and transphobic but continously engages in those medias. my whole family is, i dont really care because i cant exactly change them but my cousins weird. she dropped a grieving friend who had lost their brother by unaliving themself. (unsure if i can say this,if i can i'm sorry in advance and please don't take offense i mean no harm). he died to hullying bevause he was gay, and she said that its his sisters fault for putting the "gay ideas" into her brothers mind and then severed ties. which in my opinion is downright wring and inhumane. moreso focusing on the gay part instead of his actual passing.

something else that has gotten me is her obsession with opening my ipad which doesnt seem deep at first but she wants to really look into it like everything i have. online, i'm openly part of the LGBTQ+ and her looking into my ipad would be devastating. as in i'd get disowned and lose everyone. i do acknowledge that this will happen soon but i dont need it happening now, i need a place to live and a tolerable living space. okay sorry for getting emotional i think

another thing is her constant need to talk to me. some people might not think its bad but to me its very overwhelming especially when i'm in a state where i dont want to talk to anyone. in my home, i dont really talk to anyone willingly so this is already pushing me waynout of my comfort zone. i could have headphones, be doing something on my own or playing a game and she'll just... talk to me. i try being respectful and reply as much as i can but sometimes i just flat out ignore her which isnt the greatest. i know this might make me seem like an asshole and i'm sorry but i just cant push myself to talk to people when i'm in a state of wanting to be alone. and when i'm in a house where i cant, it gets increasingly difficult and leads to me shutting down aha.

another thing is food. they call me skinny all the time despite my bmi being very much green? (60~63kg while 172cm). while calling me skinny, they plte up my dish with food enough for two. and the foods to me feel and taste like hell. boiled carrots and peas in rice. and the ratio to one another is very much disproportionate and makes it harder to eat. i seriously spent 10 minutes trying to get a spoonful of that into my mouth. its not as easy for me to eat foods that arent already safe for me, so this was really hard. took me almost an hour to shove it all down to the point i was swallowing it with minimal bites and downing it with sprite. this isnt inherently my cousin's fault, but i dont like being under the assumption that "i should eat more" and plating my food as if i'm severely underweight.
following the idea that i'm "skinny", she also mischaracterise me a lot. i'm a quiet person but she tells all her friends that "i'm a bully that shoves people into lockers" and that i simultaneously have no friends and i'm a loner. both arent true. i have plenty friends in school and i'm generally considered a nice person and wouldnt even think about pushing someone into a locker. i dont even have them in my i dont even have them in my secondary school!!! i know this isnt deep and she's "just joking" but i assure you its genuinely what she thinks.

well thats basically all i can be bothered to name. thanks for reading i dont know what i aim to get out of this

idk what i'm aiming for in this post

i dont really know where i should even ask this. but does anyone else ever feel as though they don't understand themselves? i feel like a stranger in my own body, i don't exactly know myself all that much. whenever i see something i feel like i relate to, it feels like i'm lying to myself and the only person tht can truly give me that answer is myself. who is that

i just feel so performative in my own skin.

basivally yesterday i went out with my friends to have fun and my parents always talk about how i never go outside and stuff. so i took that opportunity and had a fun day out with them. however, i was out for 6 hours and came home at 8:30PM. i understand thats pretty late and had like everyone and their mums drilling into me for it. because of this, i'm never allowed out with friends again. something about "taking advantage of their kindness" and whatever. i wasn't reallh given a "get home by" time limit for the record. said i'd be home by around 7-8 and i guess going 30 minutes over was really what broke it. yeah i understand i'm in the wrong for that.
i had a tournament in volleyball this sunday and it would be between boroughs. i've been looking forward to this since sort of end of april up until now. well, because of my truancy and disregard for rules whatever i'm not allowed to go i think. i dont know man, volleyball has actually been the only thing thats been pushing me to keep seeing every next week. its like the only thing i could look forward to on an early monday. now it feels like its being taken away from me. maybe i really am just a sucky child and i deserve this. but damn, having something i really love just taken from me just like that hurts a lot. ive been really really really looking forward to this. if i wanted to pursue a career in volleyball, i'm sure this tournament would be the next step in doing so. but you know. cant do that now can i? i wish i had different parents

yesterday i went out with my friends to have fun and my parents always talk about how i never go outside and stuff. so i took that opportunity and had a fun day out with them. however, i was out for 6 hours and came home at 8:30PM. i understand thats pretty late and had like everyone and their mums drilling into me for it. because of this, i'm never allowed out with friends again. something about "taking advantage of their kindness" and whatever. i wasn't reallh given a "get home by" time limit for the record. said i'd be home by around 7-8 and i guess going 30 minutes over was really what broke it. yeah i understand i'm in the wrong for that.

i had a tournament in volleyball this sunday and it would be between boroughs. i've been looking forward to this since sort of end of april up until now. well, because of my truancy and disregard for rules whatever i'm not allowed to go i think. i dont know man, volleyball has actually been the only thing thats been pushing me to keep seeing every next week. its like the only thing i could look forward to on an early monday. now it feels like its being taken away from me. maybe i really am just a sucky child and i deserve this. but damn, having something i really love just taken from me just like that hurts a lot. ive been really really really looking forward to this. if i wanted to pursue a career in volleyball, i'm sure this tournament would be the next step in doing so. but you know. cant do that now can i? i wish i had different parents

my parents think everything revolves around them and it gets on my nerves so much. last week, i was meant to go in for 'an interview' for year 10 work experience cus they wanted to talk to me and my parents knew this. told them days in advance and then they made me sit in their illegally parked car for so long when i was expected to be there by 4. spent 1 hour and 30 minutes in that car for them to pack bags they couldve packed the day before. i dont really know if that makes sense, sorry if it doesnt.

what really ticked me off was today. i went out with my friends at 14:30PM and got back at around 20:30. my dad is angry and yelling at me over the phone questioning why i was out so late and why i didn't answer his calls (they didn't go through, but he just wouldnt understand that) and then he ended up cutting the phone on me. okay, being out for 6 hours may be unreasonable and i get that. but i just wish that he was happy i'm actually home and didnt get kidnapped or worse; died. i almost died on my way to my destination after colliding with my friend on the bike and falling face first onto the road but thats for another day 😣. maybe his anger comes from a llace of worry, but it sure doesnt feel like that. i dont want to be contemplating whether he's going to hit or put his hands on me or not. it just ruins my day.

for the record i hate my parents a lot for things similar or other things entirely thats justbdue to their uobringing. idk. its not their fault i suppose but i really do hate it here and will 100% go no contact for my own mental wellbeing.

ps: sorry for the spelling errors, i'm really tired.