u/jcoons32

Hey everyone,

I don’t really know how to write this in a way that does it justice, but I need to try. I’m 36, and for the last six months I’ve been in what is known as "the dark night of the soul" or the "spiritual void." Two separate psychic-mediums, on different occasions, called it an "initiation." I didn’t go looking for that label, but it found me through these meetings. I still don’t fully understand it. I just know I’m in it, and it’s brutal.

Two years ago I lost my job. That collapse cracked something open in me, and I started what I thought was a genuine awakening and personal growth jounrey. My life began to feel lighter. I set an intention to turn my pain into purpose and help others heal by sharing my story on YouTube. For a while, things truly felt better. I felt connected again, expansive, like I was finally stepping into who I was meant to be.

And then six months ago everything changed. It’s like the lights went out inside me. The pace of old core, primal wounds coming up accelerated fast and hard; self-worth, abandonment, scarcity, all of it. Since then, every day has felt like waking up after a car accident. My jaw is so tight and painful that thinking straight is a struggle. The headaches feel like my skull is going to split. My body hurts everywhere. I wake up around 3am like clockwork, flooded with anxiety, unable to drop into any kind of real sleep.

I can’t access anything that used to anchor me. No intuition. No creativity. No connection to anything spiritual. The other day, I literally said "F*ck you" to the divine, my angels, ancestors, and guides, because they have completely abandoned me and left me all alone. It’s like whatever “operating system” I had is gone. I used to be able to sit in meditation and feel held, or make something and feel alive. Now it’s empty. I feel like a dead person who’s still alive, if that even makes sense. Floating. Existing. Moving through the day because my body keeps going, not because I have any reason to.

I’ve been told I’m in the void. That the void is a gestation space. That this is an initiation. I want to believe that. But to be honest, most days it just feels like everything is lifeless and pointless. I don’t recognize myself. The person who wanted to help others heal feels like a memory from another lifetime. I don’t care about projects I once cared about. I have no motivation or preferences. I don’t have much capacity to be around people. I’m too raw, too sensitive. Small talk feels impossible when I’m holding myself together with thread.

I’m 36, single, working two part-time jobs just to get by. I look around and it seems like everyone else is marrying, building careers, buying homes. I feel like I’m stuck in this endless tunnel with no light. I didn’t choose this. I wanted to share my story to make the world a bit better. I didn’t sign up to have my life and identity stripped down to the studs via an "initiation."

The physical symptoms are relentless. My jaw holds decades of unspoken words and swallowed emotions. My muscles feel like I’ve been bracing for impact since childhood and only now my body is trying to release it all at once. I go to bed tired and wake up exhausted. I try to ground, to breathe, to move gently, but most days it’s like pushing through mud with no traction. I’m told to “surrender,” and I’m doing my very best, but it often feels like being dragged behind a train I can’t stop.

I want to be honest about something; I’ve had thoughts of ending my life. Not because I want to die, but because I can’t see how to keep living like this. The pain feels endless. I do have a safety plan and I’m trying to be smart about it. I’m not writing this to scare anyone, but to be real about where my head goes when another day starts with my jaw locked and my chest tight and it feels like nothing in me wants to get up again. I never would have imagined having these thoughts in my lifetime. But I’m still here. I’m reaching out because some part of me is trying to find a hand in the dark.

I’ve been told to “chop wood, carry water” - to find the sacred in doing ordinary things. Some days the best I can do is a gentle stretch, a shower, making something simple to eat, stepping outside for fresh air. I've been told it’s okay to watch Netflix (which I don't usually watch TV ever), make music, cook, let my body guide me; all with the intention of settling my nervous system down, because it feels like it's plugged into an electrical socket. I’m trying to accept this without drowning in guilt about being “unproductive.” But my mind keeps shouting that I’m wasting time, that I’m falling further behind, that I should be working harder to get out of this. I don’t know how to hold the frequency of who I want to be when I feel this empty. I don’t know how to believe in a future when my present feels like an endless gray hallway.

So I’m writing this to say: this is where I’m at. If any of you have been through a dark night or a void like this; truly this level of physical and emotional collapse, how did you survive it? What helped when nothing helped? If you had jaw and head pain that took over your life, how did you calm your nervous system enough to get a foothold? If you lost all spiritual connection for months on end, did it ever return, and if so, how? What did you do in the long, empty hours when you had no purpose and no spark?

Please don’t feel the need to fix me or give me platitudes. I’m not looking for a quick answer. I’m looking for real experiences, practical things that supported you, and maybe just the relief of knowing I’m not the only one who’s felt this level of emptiness and still made it through. If you’re in your own void right now, you can sit with me here. We don’t have to pretend it’s okay. We can just be honest and breathe.

I didn’t ask for this initiation. I wanted to turn my pain into purpose and help people. I still hope I can someday. But right now I’m just trying to make it to the next hour, the next breath, without abandoning myself. If you’ve got a story, a resource that actually helped, or even just a “me too,” I’d be deeply grateful to hear it.

Thanks for reading.