Being materially successful is so fucking isolating, I wanna fix it but idk how
Just turned 19 yesterday (May 19), or well actually it was 2 days ago now.
To bring some context on the title and what I mean by materially successful (I don’t mean to brag about my success, just hope to give context):
- I just got hired to be an Executive Director at a college prep center. At 19. I am the youngest of the role at my company (we’re a small franchise chain) BY FAR. My starting salary is 82k which for the Bay Area isn’t that good but it’s certainly not bad for my age. I have some additional income from my Roblox games and the occasional freelance project too.
- I just passed 5 figures in my brokerage account, and now with my new job, I’ll probably hit 6 figures in it in a year and half or two.
- I’m a UC Berkeley EECS student, or well was. I’m currently on medical leave because my depression is so bad it is able to be classified as psychologically necessary to be on medical leave to treat it.
I had dinner at a fancy place by myself after work. Drove around some cool spots on Highway 1, took some photos for the gram (duh) and for myself, and I couldn’t help but be so conscious of how isolated I am. I was by myself when I drove down to the restaurant, when I checked in and got seated, and when I ordered my food. Everyone else around me was with at-least one other person.
Last night, I had the opportunity to hang out with a middle school friend, one who I haven’t seen for years but kept in contact with, and I drove us around the old spots from the old days.
I cried a bit while I was driving us. Passing through my old house, middle school, elementary school, the parks me and my friends went to fuck around after school. I felt very nostalgic and an extreme desire to just go back to the good old days.
But upon further reflection, I realized I had these feelings not because I want to be a kid again, god no, I quite enjoy being an adult, you can’t just randomly book plane tickets and a hotel somewhere a few hours away on a whim because you felt like traveling, but back to the point…. I realized I had these feelings because back then, I had so many friends. I was the most social butterfly ever, and pair it with my ADHD, quite the talkative and outgoing one.
Over the years post-COVID, I realize I had been getting more and more introverted, bot because I wanted to, but because I was growing up wanting to be very successful in life. I definitely felt like there was a lot of implicit pressure from my parents to perform, so that I did. In high school, I barely socialized or partied, I studied and studied and studied. I started freelancing when I was 15, and working when I was 16. I graduated high school a year early and did community college for about a year until I transferred to UC Berkeley. During community college, I constantly job hopped from being a Tutor, to a Lecturer, then Tutor again, and now an Executive Director.
In all this, I became increasingly isolated. I realize that I have like maybe 2 close friends. But I don’t even think you could consider them close. They’re the friends I’ve managed to keep around for a long time (10 and 7 years), somewhat talk to often about deep topics, and know on a very personal level.
When I turned 18, I had a mental episode and decided something needed to change. I started trying to try less and spend less time on being successful on paper, so I could try and be more social again. I went on medical leave from uni, dwindled down my freelancing and Roblox hours, and overall tried to isolate my working hours to making money to pay the bills as much as possible.
One year later…. And I still catch myself doing a lot of things by my own, wishing I had more friends, and a girlfriend, and honestly just an overall sense of hopelessness for my social wellbeing. The most progress I’ve gotten to was in springing up conversations with strangers on the train or metro, but those interactions always led to what felt like a transactional relationship instead of a meaningful friendship.
I’m so sick of it. I don’t want to be isolated anymore. I don’t want to keep doing things by myself. I want to start making friends again and eventually find myself a girlfriend who doesn’t just want me for intimacy (although I find that to be an important part of a relationship as well) or my money, and I want to try and tackle the issue of my self worth being tied to my productivity. But I have no clue how to do any of this. How the fuck do I even try to start breaking down this issue of essentially being unable to socialize???