u/jelliesthrowaway

Hi everyone, I've been out of my abusive relationship for a couple of years now, I can't go no contact because occasionally we have to work together, but I don't talk nor interact with him in any way. I would say I'm not totally over it but each day I'm getting close. (I used to shake when I heard his voice in the other room but now it just annoys me)

He never hurt me physically. Never slapped or kicked me. He was sexually cohercitive and emotionally/psychologically abusive. It took me 6 months to understand what was happening.

My therapist told me this relationship shocked me so much because it was my first experience ever with a man. However, I've always had little trust for men, and with this man it was the first time I trusted and loved one. I really thought he was different and that he liked me.

I tried dating again but I've met men who were very immature or I saw abuse signs. My therapist told me I'm the kind of woman abusive men look for.

How much time did it get for you to stop having fear of men?

How to stop meeting abusive men? What should I do?

​

Hi everyone, I have little experience with dating and in the next months I would like to try again. Therefore I need to understand my last short dating situation better because I want to understand if I'm totally doing things wrong.

\_\_

A guy saw me at work, knew nothing about me except where I worked, somehow found me on social media and added me. I appreciated it, and he messaged me, but the conversation kind of died quickly.

About 4 or 5 months later, he saw me again at work and contacted me again. The conversation still wasn’t flowing naturally, but I tried to keep it going and eventually he asked me out. On the first date he was very quiet and reserved, but I still found him interesting. He was good-looking, educated, independent, traveled a lot, and generally had qualities I appreciate. At the end of the date he said “if you want, send me your number on Insta”

I purposely waited a bit after the date because I wanted to see if he would message me first. He never did. The next morning I sent him my number pretending I thought my message hadn’t gone through. (Childish? I just wanted to understand if I made a strong first impression. Answer: NO I didn't)

We kept seeing each other for about a month, but honestly the connection never felt very strong. Still, I wanted to give it a chance because people have different personalities and open up differently, and I liked him.

He kept saying things like “you don’t seem very into me,” but as I said I liked him and wanted to continue seeing him, I was just waiting for him to make me feel secure before opening up more.

At the same time, in an entire month he only took me out for drinks once. We went for a coffee, walks in the park etc. He never planned an actual dinner date or anything thoughtful. I started suggesting free activities to do together like hiking because I thought maybe if he invited me out he would feel obligated to pay for me, and he didn't want to do it...

But in the meanwhile he was spending lots of time with friends, going to restaurants, doing activities, etc with them. He asked me "Would you like to go do X one day?" and I said yeah, but he never actually planned anything.

He also kept inviting me to meet at night after dinner, go for drives, etc. I kept refusing because I wanted at least one real date before sleeping with him.

Eventually I accepted one of these late-night hangouts because it was basically the only kind of invitation he gave me, and I told him my last serious relationship was quite bad, I was disrespected and manipulated and because of that I needed time before becoming intimate with a guy. 5 minutes after that conversation, he still started touching my thighs and trying to escalate physically. So I was like, oh ok, he doesn't give 2 f\*cks... I refused anything sexual, he drove me home, and the next day he asked to see me again.

At that point I already knew he wanted to end things and I was on the same page. We had a conversation and he seemed very conflicted and eventually told me: “Usually when I fall for someone, after a month I’m already in love. That hasn’t happened with you. But I still like you, I think you’re interesting, and I want to keep seeing you.”

I told him no. Because if you’re not in love with me now, I don’t think another month will magically change things. Like, he would probably just find more reasons not to fall for me. I also told him he just wanted sex, so I was not interested in continuing seeing him. He denied that and kept insisting he wanted to continue seeing me. At the very end he suggested seeing each other as friends and still going on walks together. I refused because wtf.

Since then I don't acknowledge him when/if I see him and he looks a bit sad/uncomfortable when he sees me, but he has never contacted me again.

\_

I definitely feel I did something wrong here. My friends told me it's normal to sleep early with someone and then decide if you want to take them seriously or not. I don't think he is a bad guy, maybe just incompatible with me?

So now I’m wondering:

Did I handle this correctly? Was I too harsh?

Hi everyone, I have little experience with dating and in the next months I would like to try again. Therefore I need to understand my last short dating situation better because I want to understand if I'm totally doing things wrong.

__

A guy saw me at work, knew nothing about me except where I worked, somehow found me on social media and added me. I appreciated it, and he messaged me, but the conversation kind of died quickly.

About 4 or 5 months later, he saw me again at work and contacted me again. The conversation still wasn’t flowing naturally, but I tried to keep it going and eventually he asked me out. On the first date he was very quiet and reserved, but I still found him interesting. He was good-looking, educated, independent, traveled a lot, and generally had qualities I appreciate. At the end of the date he said “if you want, send me your number on Insta”

I purposely waited a bit after the date because I wanted to see if he would message me first. He never did. The next morning I sent him my number pretending I thought my message hadn’t gone through. (Childish? I just wanted to understand if I made a strong first impression. Answer: NO I didn't)

We kept seeing each other for about a month, but honestly the connection never felt very strong. Still, I wanted to give it a chance because people have different personalities and open up differently, and I liked him.

He kept saying things like “you don’t seem very into me,” but as I said I liked him and wanted to continue seeing him, I was just waiting for him to make me feel secure before opening up more.

At the same time, in an entire month he only took me out for drinks once. We went for a coffee, walks in the park etc. He never planned an actual dinner date or anything thoughtful. I started suggesting free activities to do together like hiking because I thought maybe if he invited me out he would feel obligated to pay for me, and he didn't want to do it...

But in the meanwhile he was spending lots of time with friends, going to restaurants, doing activities, etc with them. He asked me "Would you like to go do X one day?" and I said yeah, but he never actually planned anything.

He also kept inviting me to meet at night after dinner, go for drives, etc. I kept refusing because I wanted at least one real date before sleeping with him.

Eventually I accepted one of these late-night hangouts because it was basically the only kind of invitation he gave me, and I told him my last serious relationship was quite bad, I was disrespected and manipulated and because of that I needed time before becoming intimate with a guy. 5 minutes after that conversation, he still started touching my thighs and trying to escalate physically. So I was like, oh ok, he doesn't give 2 f*cks... I refused anything sexual, he drove me home, and the next day he asked to see me again.

At that point I already knew he wanted to end things and I was on the same page. We had a conversation and he seemed very conflicted and eventually told me: “Usually when I fall for someone, after a month I’m already in love. That hasn’t happened with you. But I still like you, I think you’re interesting, and I want to keep seeing you.”

I told him no. Because if you’re not in love with me now, I don’t think another month will magically change things. Like, he would probably just find more reasons not to fall for me. I also told him he just wanted sex, so I was not interested in continuing seeing him. He denied that and kept insisting he wanted to continue seeing me. At the very end he suggested seeing each other as friends and still going on walks together. I refused because wtf.

Since then I don't acknowledge him when/if I see him and he looks a bit sad/uncomfortable when he sees me, but he has never contacted me again.

_

I definitely feel I did something wrong here. My friends told me it's normal to sleep early with someone and then decide if you want to take them seriously or not. I don't think he is a bad guy, maybe just incompatible with me?

So now I’m wondering:

Did I handle this correctly? Was I too harsh?

I want to be completely honest: it's not because of my ex that I have low self-esteem, it's my parents' fault. They always told me I was a stupid child and couldn't do things right.

When I met my ex, I opened up to him because I thought he was a good person. And he was, in the first months, before showing his true nature. Then he started to act exactly like my parents and he too called me dumb and made fun of me for my "stupidity".

(The relationship was abusive in many ways, but the thing that really hurt me was that he thought I was the dumbest chick he ever met).

But this really re-opened an old scar. In the last few months I started being obsessed with taking IQ tests to figure if I was mentally slow or not. Asked to ChatGPT to evaluate me, etcetera.

My self-esteem is oscillating greatly nowadays. I don't know how to get out of this loop. Any thoughts or advice?

I feel like I can attract.

Men I meet at work or through friends ask for my name, chat/flirt a little bit, find me on Instagram and add me.

Sometimes I get their follow request weeks after I've met them, and sometimes we have no followers in common so I guess they tried to find my socials and succeeded?

But then nothing more comes out of it...

Are they expecting me to text first?? All the times I've texted a man first it went horribly so I don't want to do that...

Why don't they ask me out if they are interested?

I've never used dating apps because my wish is to meet someone while I'm out and about... But at least people on dating apps want to meet. Lol

Any advice is much appreciated

I'm still very naive when it comes to dating so I'm being very cautious

I (25F) feel like I can attract.

Men I meet at work or through friends ask for my name, chat/flirt a little bit, find me on Instagram and add me.

Sometimes I get their follow request weeks after I've met them, and sometimes we have no followers in common so I guess they tried to find my socials and succeeded?

But then nothing more comes out of it...

Are they expecting me to text first?? All the times I've texted a man first it went horribly so I don't want to do that...

Why don't they ask me out if they are interested?

I've never used dating apps because my wish is to meet someone while I'm out and about... But at least people on dating apps want to meet. Lol

Any advice is much appreciated

I'm still very naive when it comes to dating so I'm being very cautious