u/jtm_92

I'll cut right to it; I'm really fucking lonely.

I'm a 33 year old man, living alone in the Northside of Brisbane, whose only human interaction these days is at work. I've found myself in a place in life where all the friendships I used to have have faded away for various reasons, and I don't have anyone to talk to or hang out with. I'm kind of struggling, to be honest.

I've tried going to social events like timeleft, Meetup groups, Facebook groups, conscious connections, etc...and I don't seem to get anywhere. It's all so performative, and feels much like the dating apps where nobody is really there for genuine reasons.

So, here I am, I guess. It'd be great to just have someone to chat to for a bit of connection, and maybe hang out, go to shows and events and cool activities that just aren't as fulfilling alone.

Some things about me:

- I'm learning guitar, and own more than I really should given my level of ability.

- I have two dogs who drive me nuts, but also keep me going.

- I'm an aerospace engineer, so I'm smart...but not people smart. I also hate talking about work outside of work.

- Day hiking is one of my favourite things to do. Haven't done any overnight hikes yet, but I want to.

- I brew my own ginger beer and mead...but I'm not a big drinker, so give most of it away.

- I used to like doing low'n'slow bbq, but it's a lot of effort that doesn't seem worth it for just me.

- I like to read; Red Rising and Cradle are my two favourite series.

- I have ADHD; I say that not because it's a defining feature of my personality, but because it contributes to some of my difficulties. Rejection sensitivity dysmorphia being one of the big ones. Also oversharing

- I love hearing people's stories, and understanding where they've come from, where they're going, and who they are.

- I can be pretty introverted, but if the vibe is right then you'll struggle to shut me up. Please don't tell me to shut up though...

- filthy socialist who firmly believes that so long as nobody is getting hurt, everybody has the right to live their life how they want, and be who they want. That is to say, homophobes, racists, bigots, one nation voters, etc are NOT my people. The only caveat to this "live and let live" policy is any illegal shit. You do you, but I've worked too hard to risk certain career enablers by associating with that sort of thing. Sorry.

Anyway, if you've made it this far and aren't immediately inclined to downvote, maybe hit me up?

I miss who I was when we were together. But he's gone now. He died, slowly, progressively, over the last 2 years. A little bit when you shut him out and and walked away. Some more when you told him you were in a relationship; something you refused to say about him.

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Another piece when you brushed him away when he came to you, asking for closure. A chunk when Facebook started suggesting your new partner as a connection, and he saw the photos of you two together.

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His heart when he heard you were getting married. And finally, his soul, when you saw each other by chance that May morning, and you looked at him across the path and kept walking like he was nobody.

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He died, and I've forgotten who he was. But I remember how he felt. And I wish I could be him again...be someone who was worthy of your heart. Someone who liked himself, even a little bit. Someone who you looked at with eyes that said nothing else mattered, and held with arms that made the world freeze around us. Someone who was whole.

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But I can't be him, because you took him away, and he died piece by piece until there was nothing left. And you forgot him even before I did.

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And now all that's left is me. And soon I'll be gone too, because I don't really exist anymore either. I'm just a mask; a shell for the void where he used to live, and the dark where you used to bring light.

Preface to say that I know Reddit isn't a substitute for professional care, but I'm running out of options.

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I've suffered with major depression since childhood, attributable to a combination of internal and external factors.

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I've tried a half dozen different therapists/psychologists, 3 different SSRIs, Mirtazapine, bupropion, TMS therapy....and none of it has even made a dent. At this point I've pretty much lost hope that I'll ever escape from this.

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Has anyone had a similar experience and actually found something that helped?

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I know it's selfish, and I have no right to ask this. I know you wouldn't be doing it if he didn't make you happy. I know I'm awful because part of me resents that he does.

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But this isn't right. Yes, it's been a long time. And yes, our time was short. But I have loved you this whole time. I know, in every fiber of my being, that you are the one. I just wish that I was for you. I think I could be.

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Do you remember how it felt when we held each other, and looked into each other's eyes? How the noisiest places went quiet, and the silences were filled with a symphony of feeling?

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When I saw you the other day that sound roared through my soul. When you looked at me from across the carpark, and our eyes locked behind our glasses...I would have given my arm to see your eyes, to know your thoughts in that moment. Did you remember the last time we saw each other? In an instant, I was taken back in time two years, and you were looking up at me. I knew what your eyes were saying then; I knew they were begging me to stay. I wish I had.

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Don't marry him. Please. I want to call you. I want to show up at your front steps and pour my heart out. I want to see you, and for you to see me, the way we once did. But I won't. Because as much as I hate it, and hate myself for that, I know you moved on, and you're happy. And you deserve to be happy.

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I love you. I miss you. I need you.

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Don't marry him.

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This has now happened 5 times today. I've swiped on profiles, it tells me I have a match, and then they don't show up in my match list. One of them was showing up in my discovery feed, and still shows there with the button to start a chat, but when I click it I get an error message saying "Trying to open chat with encrypted ID and without match between users".

It's not a case of the match expiring, because it's instant. Similarly, I really doubt that they instantly unmatched nanoseconds after I matched with them.

I've tried contacting bumble support, but just get the same generic AI messages back. Clearing the cache and reinstalling the app doesn't fix it.

One thing of note is that though they all showed up in my feed, none of them had a location shown on their profile.

What is going on? Is bumble showing me snoozed/deleted profiles that have liked me previously?