u/justtomicrowaveramen

I know I need to leave my emotionally abusive husband. He is only abusive when we argue, he yells and insults me, puts me down, makes the fight about my character flaws and tells me its my fault rather than discussing the actual issue. He criticizes everything that is important to me and I always come second to him.

But we share a toddler. I know he will be angry if I leave, he may even show up at my parents house where I'll be moving or call me if I leave without saying. But our last fight he said he would put my things out on the curb and never let me back in our home provided I left. So I feel like I have to pack and just be gone if I want to leave.

I don't even know how to go about this. Especially when he turns so sweet and things feel great when we aren't fighting... it makes me feel like I cannot leave when he is nice to me. I feel bad.

I dont know, has anyone gone through this here and left when things were "good"?

I know I need to leave my emotionally abusive husband. He is only abusive when we argue, he yells and insults me, puts me down, makes the fight about my character flaws and tells me its my fault rather than discussing the actual issue. He criticizes everything that is important to me and I always come second to him.

But we share a toddler. I know he will be angry if I leave, he may even show up at my parents house where I'll be moving or call me if I leave without saying. But our last fight he said he would put my things out on the curb and never let me back in our home provided I left. So I feel like I have to pack and just be gone if I want to leave.

I don't even know how to go about this. Especially when he turns so sweet and things feel great when we aren't fighting... it makes me feel like I cannot leave when he is nice to me. I feel bad.

I dont know, has anyone gone through this here and left when things were "good"?

I've lurked here a long time. I've been wanting to leave for over a year but constantly end up feeling like I am the problem after an arguement.

My husband tells me I get on his nerves or am annoying or argumentative and often wonder if he is right? I do push back on his decisions sometimes, but usually it is because they negatively affect me and I want to be part of the decision-making of my life, too. Or I do say I cannot do things sometimes since I am easy to overwhelm and I get that is annoying. And I can be snappy when I am anxious, but not really in a mean way but in a "clearly I'm getting worked up and nervous".

But no matter the issue with me, he ends up yelling at me, or degrading me, putting me down, saying I should leave, tells me I make his life harder, says I'm the worst thing to happen to him. Last weekend he told me he would put my things on the curb and I would never be allowed back in our home again (that I pay rent for).

Then he tells me its all because I pushed him to that point and that I am the problem. He promises marriage counseling then turns around and says its a waste of time because I am the issue here.

But I dont feel like being a little anxious or asking for a say in things warrants him yelling at me... I have been in therapy for years. My current therapist says he is abusive. My parents say he is abusive. Why am I the only one wondering if I'm actually the problem?

When I don't piss him off, he is so so sweet. But the second I ask for consideration of my time or my autonomy, give my opinion on something he already decided on, or tell him he hurt my feelings its like a switch.

I dont know I just needed to get this out i guess.

I'll give some details of my situation and why I think I want to leave.

When we fight he is often verbally abusive, he yells at me, calls me names, all the things. ​When we don't fight, he is often sweet. He buys me things, talks about everything, hangs out with me. He doesn't help the most with our child (F2) and leaves his son from a prior relationship (M8) with me during the summer when he works for his parenting time despite me being a college student online and working weekends. He says I should watch his son since I'm home with our daughter, but I am so busy all the time with house chores (he doesn't do laundry or dishes, says they are my job​), my college work, and caring for our daughter. His son has really intense ADHD and he rarely gives his medication to him, so his son can be a lot to manage, too.

I feel overwhelmed, I never even agreed to the summer thing, he just said I am stepmom so I have to do it. That's not why I am leaving, just a piece of it. Never being asked, never being considered. If I dare question his decisions about things it turns into a fight, I don't feel like my opinion often matters in my marriage. I dont feel like I can be vulnerable and share things that upset me because they turn into fights.

But when things aren't bad, they're good. If we aren't fighting then they feel fine (usually). He has a tendency to be kind of mean at times and insults me fairly often, even if he means in a teasing way. But he is also the sweetest man at times and I love his company when he is nice.

I am finally just checked out I think. He cheated when I was pregnant, he had an issue talking to other women in the past, though he doesn't behave anything like that anymore, I still struggle to trust. Every time we fight he threatens to divorce me, I think that is part of what is wearing me down, too. I just am not that happy to be here and I always feel like I am just trying to keep the peace rather than existing happily.

But when things are good, I feel like I can't leave. Its like he knows I am pulling away and ramps up being sweet and trying to connect with me. Which then makes it hard to leave.

How do I do it? Do I just randomly break the news even though we are having a good day? Do I suddenly just sit him down? Like it feels impossible to do when things are good ans he is being so nice. But clearly in my head I just can't stay any longer, I am not happy even when its good cause I know I need to leave. So how do I even break the news to leave? I have only ever had past relationships end because of a fight.

Thanks for your advice, sorry for the long drawn-out story.

TLDR: my husband is kind of mean to me often and I am just checked out. I want to leave but struggle when things are good to do so. How do I break the news that I want to leave?

As the title suggests, I'm struggling to know if I am being reactionary or if it is just time to leave. My husband decided that I would be the one at home with SS8 every other week during the summer for our custody time since I am home with our toddler anyways. Im an online college student as well as caring for our toddler all week and I work weekends. He never bothered to discuss this arrangement with me, just told me it was what I would be doing. I have expressed it doesn't feel fair to me. Im extremely busy and SS8 has behavioral issues that he doesn't want me parenting since he wants me to be "cool stepmom". I found an amazing summer program that we could get SS enrolled in at a discounted rate which would get his energy out and take him on field trips, all kinds of great things for him that he wont get at home with me, and husband still told me no, that I am home and I can watch SS with our daughter.

I am so frustrated that my time just is still not being considered, and now he is giving me silent treatment because he "already told me he wasnt doing that".

At what point is enough enough?

This isnt an isolated experience, he often takes on SS extra whenever he can without consulting me even if he is at work and I'll be the only one home with the kids.